Christmas Eve Terror Alert

I was doing a bit of cleaning up the Command Center for the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security after the recent and rather abrupt departure of the staff.  Apparently these authorities on uncovering secret information finally discovered that their jobs were no longer necessary only three days after I told them so (for the third time).  This Manatee Team of faux covert operations (SEAL was obviously already taken and Manatee fit the staff paradigm more accurately) had an extraction zone pre-arranged, and hung around just long enough to insure that there was 'no bottle left behind'.  What they did leave behind however, was one Cheetos-stained dispatch, apparently forgotten in their hasty departure. 

Now while I thought about not bothering to pass it on, since what follows looks to be far from a complete list; I do so in the spirit of the Holidays, recognizing that perhaps by posting their final effort (and as our politicians are oh so fond of saying),  

"If just one life is saved…."

Egg Nog: Let’s face it folks, considering the cholesterol and calories contained in the full strength version of this beverage, you might as well slather it on like sunscreen rather than drink it. Not only will you save yourself from the ire of the nation's health care providers, but I understand that it serves as an effective SPF-125 sunscreen and does wonders for the complexion. While there are myths that some of the harmful effects of Nog can be somewhat mitigated by thinning it with alcohol (dark rum is a personal favorite), there is nothing but anecdotal evidence to support such claims. (On the other hand, having partaken of it in this fashion, it's unlikely that calories or any other of its deleterious effects will any longer concern you.)

 

Fruit Cake: In spite of the bad wrap that this holiday treat has received over the years, the truth of the matter is that it poses little health risk to most of the population; and can in fact be used beneficially. It’s not the fruit of which it’s 'allegedly' comprised or the way in which it's prepared that makes it healthy; but the fact that it’s so often prepared improperly that it's all but toxic except when consumed in very small portions (even by government standards).  Additional benefits include its use as an emergency escape tool to break car windows in the event of a holiday automotive accident and as a substitute for a truncheon or throwing weapon to drive guests away from other tastier and potentially more deadly treats at the holiday table. 

 

Cookies: These tasty little confections, while around all year in some form, put on their ‘party best’ for the holiday season. Dressed in clever shapes, hued in artificial colorings, and of course clothed sprinkles and glitter (probably manufactured by Exxon), these dietary landmines are camouflaged in a variety of holiday masquerades.  These bakery booby-traps in fact contain most of the major food groups: sugar, chocolate, useless carbs, and unpronounceable chemicals.  (If someone could get red meat or bacon onto them, they'd be perfect.)  Vowing to abstain from future consumption of them and to exercise off the calories gained from them are among the top five of resolutions for each New Year.

 

Cheese: For some reason, cheese has long found a place at our holiday tables, often in rather bizarre forms. Sure you can go with the snooty specialty and European cheeses if what you’re looking for is something in the way of flavor, but the natural ingredients found in such products can expose the consumer to greater risk (including becoming un-American). The true American tradition is much more likely to be defined by cheese balls, cheese logs, and the ever-popular “Cheese Whiz”. As most of us know, the more processed such cheese is, the better it is for you; with the piston cans of "Easy Cheese" being the most healthy of all (since they contain the least cheese). There is nothing like emulsifiers or carrageenan to bring real cheese texture to a dish and nothing like citric acid when it comes to real cheese flavor. While we're at it, let’s not forget all of the wonderful processed products contained in most of the crackers we put this on, leading to an opportunity to add insult to injury (literally and figuratively).

Cocktail Weenies:  No one really knows what animals these tasty little treats come from, let alone what parts of those animals might be involved; and quite frankly (pun intended) no one wants to know.  This ostensible meat product however has become a holiday favorite over the years.  This probably has something to do with fact that it can be served in so many ways.  Drowned in equally toxic sauce and cooked so long that the surrounding liquid congeals to the consistency of paste, or wrapped in a variety of equally mysterious (and probably unhealthy) substances and baked, it can be served as a blue collar staple by the scoop or daintily displayed on the finest upper crust serving-ware  by impaling it upon toothpicks with colorful frills at one end.  Do not be distracted by its innocent appearance however (and be careful to apply the untasseled part of the toothpick to the weenie).  Not only is there little or no actual food value in this diminutive dog, but recent government funded studies have found it to be little more than a gateway food to dependency on its larger brethren:  the Hot Dog, the Brat and Andouille sausage.

Alcohol: The health dangers of exposure to alcohol come in many forms, ranging from what are largely the stealth efforts of rum balls and the aforementioned Egg Nog to the traditional holiday cocktails (like rum punch), and ending with the indulgence in every form of fermented and distilled beverages known to mankind. Let me state for the record that at DJBSS, we approve heartily in such indulgences.  Not only do recent studies continue to show the positive health effects of moderate consumption of such beverages, but with the year all but at its end, it’s probably long past time that as survivors, we celebrated its successful conclusion. 

Overindulgence carries significant long-term health risks however, usually from one’s spouse. The immature, impolite, and downright stupid behavior committed while under the influence of ‘that demon rum’ will no more likely be forgiven in the spirit of the holiday than they would otherwise. The damage can be significant and reputation rehabilitation process can be a long and painful one.

It should also be noted under this section, that driving while intoxicated can be additionally be damaging and expensive. Not only do you risk spending some or all of your holiday in jail and thereby ruining the occasion for the whole family; but the economic and employment repercussions can be devastating for subsequent year’s holiday celebrations.

While Santa is the spirit of the holiday season in many households, there's no reason to attempt to equal his girth as well as his good cheer.  So by all means enjoy your holidays and all the tasty treats of the season; but if for no other reason than the concerns of the DJBSS, please do so in moderation.

Dear Santa: 2013

Santa Claus
c/o North Pole

Dear Santa,

I know that this missive seems to be getting sent off to you later each year; and once again I would like to apologize for my horrible tardiness.   You're not the only one out there that gets really busy around this time of year you know, and with the prospect of shutting things down around here in just a few more days, it's been even more of a madhouse than usual. Thanks, by the way, for telling the Post Office not to drop ALL of those letters at my place this year. The three bags were plenty for use in my column a couple of weeks ago, and the elevator at headquarters only broke down once trying to get them to the third floor.

Before you ask, my family is doing surprisingly well again this year, in spite of having to put up with me.  As usual, anything that you were thinking of getting them from their lists certainly has my advance approval. As for myself, I'd like to tell you that I've been good this year as well, but that would be a bit of an overstatement. (OK, maybe misstatement is more of the correct word.) The truth of the matter however, is that I probably have been better than usual, but I'm told that going through open heart surgery will tend to do that to a person. (Don't worry, I'm sure this temporary spell of good behavior won't last.)

By the way, please note the names of the doctors and nurses that I've added to my personal nice list for your consideration. Anybody who can find a heart in this crusty old bastard, let alone fix it (as they seem to have done) deserves to be on the “Nice” list.  Add in their ability to do without telling me what a sorry, ungrateful #*&$ I am while doing it, and they should probably be near the top of the “Really Nice” list.

Perhaps surprisingly to some, I'm not going to suggest you doing anything regarding Obamacare, Duck Dynasty, or the 2014 elections. I'd like to tell you that I know you don't do that kind of stuff anyway, but the real reason is what little interest I had on these subjects must have slipped out of my pocket and into a snowbank as I leaned against a lamp post to catch the lung I was coughing up while walking to a drugstore to get something to relieve such symptoms from earlier this week during this most recent spate of Global Warming.  

I do have one particularly ironic political request however, for you deliver a lot of lumps of coal to those working for the Environmental Protection Agency.  I severely doubt it, but maybe they'll get the joke (or the hint), but that won't take the fun out of the gesture. 

I know I haven't asked for anything for myself once again this year. Truthfully, I've always felt fortunate over the years that you haven't given me what I truly deserved, and always managed to show up with some pretty great stuff, in spite of my usual misdeeds.  So thanks.  All kidding aside, I know that there are a lot of people out there whose need is far greater than mine, so you would be doing me a big favor to help them out as much as you can instead. (Come to think of it, you might want to get lots of them copies of the “Holiday Wishes 3” through the TFP, which would help twice over.)

Merry Christmas,

Tim

P.S. I will no doubt be up late again this year on Christmas Eve (who sleeps well at our age anyway), and I have laid in a supply of cookies and Egg Nog (yes, the low-fat kind so you can watch your cholesterol), so feel free to stop by as usual. Not that you'll need it, but I'll leave the light on.

TFP Column: Christmas List Haunted By Christmas Past

Doing an annual Christmas List has been a tradition almost since the beginning of "Just Blowing Smoke".  Moving that effort over to the more widely exposed of the TFP was a simple decision (and no cracks about my desires to be more widely exposed).  Last year's effort in fact saw me get a "Don Lee" cover.  (Which they reprinted again this year as part of the article; and which I am still rather proud of, as you might guess):

When I discussed repeating the effort as best I could this year however, no one was more surprised than I that Editor-in-Chief Michael Miller agreed not only to accept the offer, but to put it in the print edition.  In fact he gave me a bit more space than I normally receive (again, no cracks about the amount of space I require these days, please) in order to take on the rather prodigious list of political miscreants involved. 

In keeping with the holiday spirit, I hope that you will not only read "Christmas List Haunted By Christmas Past", but look forgive any naughtiness that may have leaked into the effort.  I haven't been doing so well in the N&N departments, and can't afford to blow my Christmas this late in the game.

Speaking of afford, I suspect that as always, you won't be able to afford to miss what's going on in Toledo and Northwest Ohio.  If you want to know however, you can't afford to miss Toledo's largest circulation Sunday newspaper, especially when it's also the best weekly newspaper in the State of Ohio for the fifth straight year (at least according to the Ohio Society of Professional Journalists).  So take a little time off from 'Mall Madness' and read the Toledo Free Press.

Hallmark Channel, You're Killing Me ,,,

For the few of you out there still living within the limitations created by Time-Warner's Basic Cable, the holiday season this year has already taken an alarming turn.  Recent reductions in the channel offerings available to those of us unwilling to pay a $100.00 plus monthly cable bill has placed many in a rather precarious position; one that even those of us (like me) with long-time subscriptions to 'Netflix' have yet to come up with a suitable solution for.  In fact it sometimes seems that the only channel providing reasonable cable cinematic efforts on TV is the Hallmark Channel.

Don't get me wrong here, I really like to watch movies and normally have no real objection to the 'made for TV' type that represent the common fare on Hallmark Channel.  The plots on their films are fairly well written (though sometimes horribly formulaic), the obvious Canadian studio production values of these films are solid, and where else could one go to see all of the great character actors from serial TV and old movies since "The Love Boat" and "Love American Style" went off the air.  The problem however, is that since I no longer receive AMC, TMC, TNT, or even the "Sharknado" movie on the ScyFy channel from the friendly folks at my cable company; Hallmark's offerings are damn near the only alternatives available on the channels remaining. 

I have therefore been plunged in recent days into a world of non-stop Christmas movies through their current "Countdown to Christmas" schedule.  This is bad enough for someone who's long been suffering from a near terminal case SCSS (Santa Claus Similarity Syndrome); but making the symptoms even more tortuous lately are the diabetic-destroying sugar levels in the romance and romantic comedy story lines that are woven into Hallmark's holiday offerings.  

Listen, I like my 'chick flicks' as much as any other sports-addicted, chest thumping, Neanderthal, but this expanded exposure to the 'Dark Side' of movie making has gotten completely out of hand.  My anxiety over the situation has reached a point where I've had to monitor my sleeping habits; lest I drop off with the TV on and find myself being subliminally programmed with an overdose Christmas spirit and more weepy sensitivity than any member of my gender can willing be asked to contain.  

The fact that I'm able, and even willing to write about the recent impact of this not-too-subtle re-programming (brainwashing) should indicate to even the least discerning how ghastly my own personal situation has become.  The further admission that this recent exposure has probably allowed me to 'grow as a person' should in fact be recognized by the rest of my gender as symptomatic of the terrifying potential harm that this network's offerings represent to the species.  

The fact that I'm not currently seeing anyone (and admitting that publicly as well), adds insult to injury by forcing me to watch this "Groundhog Day" programming schedule by myself.  The entire situation is serious enough that I've actually begun to fear future retention of my 'Man Card'.  Heaven help me, but it's lately gotten so bad as to find me writing down late night tear-stained 'Post-It' notes with the URLs of dating websites in a desperate (and mostly pathetic) search to re-create the happy ending from the most recently viewed cinematic effort.  (Fortunately, I come to my senses in the morning; belch, fart, scratch myself, and run such notes through a paper shredder immediately afterward.)

So if you're out there Time-Warner, I'm begging you!  Please give me back ESPN or Spike TV and allow me to return to my former (and mostly insensitive) nature.  Stop taunting me with the choice between the cable upgrade required to allow me to view the manly TV I long for and the prescription medications that I require to survive.  Don't force me to replace the take-out and microwavable high in salt, high in trans fat meals that I usually consume in front of the TV set watching football games with the Dog Food that the government and mainstream media have threatened me with for years as the only way I will have left to make ends meet.  

Come to think of it, don't force me to begin a letter-writing campaign to my Congressman or Senator with desperate appeals for greater government regulation in the cable industry at the very least; or better still, Cable TV subsidizing.  (Isn't full cable a right in this country, after all!) 

While there's more that I'd like to say on the subject, right now I'm feeling a little too emotional to properly express myself.  Besides, "The Santa Suit" with former "Hercules" star Kevin Sorbo is about to come on the Hallmark Channel, and (sniff, sniff) I don't want to miss it.   

 

TFP Column: Santa Is Coming ... Beware

 

While experiencing the briefest of mourning periods during the election cycle, I am back once more within the pages of the TFP website this week.  Self-chastised for being consistently wrong about the results of those elections yet again (which is why I don't bet), it seemed only fitting to change my focus from the painful subject of my own abjectly miserable performance and turn instead to the coming holiday season.

I think that you'll find "Santa Is Coming ... Beware" an amusing (if not troubling) effort, dripping with the kind of sarcasm required to put the commercial aspect of the holiday and it's symbolic leader in a slightly different (OK, warped) perspective.  Of course it's not surprising that there should be some contradictions in the secular version of mythical character who ends up being merged over time with a religious figure who actually existed.  Be aware however, that my analysis of someone whose traditional depiction bares a vague similarity to my own does not mean that I have spared my subject in any way, or that we share any of the potential personality quirks that I ascribe to him.

Since it's already a bit past mid-week, you're lucky that the 'Star' edition has already hit the streets to provide more serious counterpoint to my more fanciful offering.  With the weekend edition yet to come, there's plenty more still to look forward to, especially in Toledo and Northwest Ohio.  

What else would you expect however, from Toledo's largest Sunday circulation newspaper, one which has been named by the Ohio Society of Professional Journalism as the Best Weekly Newspaper in Ohio for the last five years running.  I'm speaking of course, of the Toledo Free Press.

Welcome to Holiday Desolation

We may not be even two weeks into the new year, but for those of you who haven't noticed it, we are firmly into the season of Holiday Desolation.  It's not really fair when you come to think of it, especially when you consider that we end each year with four of the biggest holidays.  

Halloween in October is fast becoming the biggest holiday of the year in terms of the decorations that we buy (especially when you add in the personal decorations, better known as costumes).  Add in what we spend on candy for the rug rats, and it's likewise becoming one of the most expensive holidays of the year.

Thanksgiving follows just four weeks later (depending on the vagaries of the calendar and the municipal trick-or-treat rules); and earns its credentials not only through sheer caloric intake, but through bringing families together once a year long enough to remind them of why they don't do so any other time of the year.  Having spent the past couple of weeks gorging ourselves on chocolate confections left over from the previous holiday (mostly because we again forgot to turn the porch light on and let the little beggars know we were open for business), we can now look forward to tryptophan induced somnolence while likewise over-indulging in parades and football games.

Following again just four weeks later is the grandaddy of them all, Christmas.  It's that one that Lucy defines all too aptly in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as:  "You know, Santa Claus and ho-ho-ho, and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls."  It's the holiday upon which greedy capitalism reaches its excessive real-life realization, not through the necessity of buying Lucy her hearts desire; but through those, "He went to Jared's" efforts that a man makes on his way home from the Lexus dealership.  After all, what way is there to celebrate a pagan, religious, and secular holiday than through automobiles and coal (wait, I thought only bad people got that) which gets put through enormous pressure and temperature (kind of like the credit card payments afterwards).  

Lest we think that rest is ahead, exactly one week later we're joined by an old guy thinking he's at a college toga party and a baby wearing a diaper, black tie, and a top hat informing us that it's last call and extolling us to have just one more cocktail in the hopes that we can spend the first day of the new year trying to get someone to bail us out of jail.  Then what?    

After celebrating for the last three months straight, what do we get in January?  Well there's Inauguration Day, but it's a politician's holiday celebrated only by the people who voted for the guy being inaugurated.  The only people who get the day off are politicians in Washington DC; with exception of incoming president, who has to take an oath and give a speech.  Martin Luther King Jr Day makes an appearance on the day after this year (which is curiously also celebrated as Robert E Lee's Birthday in AL, AR, GA, and MS), but as of yet this holiday barely rates a mattress sale.  (It's not a real holiday if there's not a mattress sale.)   But that's it for the month .... nothin'.

It picks up slightly in February with a ridiculous holiday about a weather-predicting rodent in a town in PA that 98% of Americans couldn't spell without looking it up.  If it weren't for Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell effort (and my son's coming nuptials), few if any would care about it now.  Then along comes yet another New Year, the Chinese New Year (after Jan 1 and the Orthodox New Year); followed by Lincoln's Birthday, which was so important that we've recently dropped it like a bad habit to combine it with Washington's birthday in some meaningless thing called 'President's Day'.  Of course there's always Mardi Gras, but only if you happen to be in the right part of the South. over-serve yourself, and trade the beads that we used to be able to buy entire islands for (like Manhattan) for the glandular exposure that we used to see in National Geographic. (Who may have been the same people we bought the islands from.)

Of course there is one possible holiday entrant in February, Valentine's Day.  Originally named for one of the two Catholic saints of the same name (nobody's sure which),  it has now become little more than a 'Hallmark Holiday" of love and romance in which cards, candy, and of course vast quantities of jewelry are purchased by men for women to make up for the really crappy things that they will undoubtedly do the to them rest of the year.  In a rather twisted association, this day of amorous behavior is also remembered for the 1929 massacre of seven mob guys, allegedly by members of Al Capone's social circle who were apparently not all that fond of them.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I must point out that I married my first wife on a Valentines Day.  I deny the conjecture that has since arisen that I did so in order to avoid having to purchase both a Valentine and Anniversary gift annually; and wish to state that I did so only because a was young, innocent, and a sentimental slob at the time.  I can further state for the record that I am no longer .... young.

With that, February has nothing further to contribute.  Neither does March for that matter.  Oh sure some of the more favored celebrate my granddaughters birthday on the same day that they let everybody dress up in green on the 17th to celebrate an Irish saint that was actually English (Ireland was too poor at the time to afford its own saints).  In a twisted US observance, green Budweiser and Miller is consumed in practices which would in fact considered sacrilege on Emerald Isle. (Drinking Budweiser and Miller is only a venal sin, but dying it green in a misguided effort to make it sacramental or palatable in some way however makes such a sin a mortal one indeed.)  It's not until the end of the month when another pagan holiday that's been co-opted by a religious holiday is celebrated as a secular holiday (confusing, isn't it?) that we get our first real break in the month's of long monotony.  It's the end of May however before we once more resume normal holiday observances (I refuse to accept Cinco de Mayo, Arbor Day, or April 15th's Tax Day). 

Personally, I find the whole concept ridiculous.  What better time to reward citizens and improve their state of mind than with holidays during the gray days of winter.  When are breaks from the mindless tedium of everyday existence required more than during the time of year when we are weary from shoveling snow, depressed from the lack of daylight, and all but suicidal from having filled out our income tax forms.  But no, in typically misguided government fashion, we get far more mandated days off when the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the weather is warm.  

You know, perhaps we could get Congress to pass a law mandating a holiday during this period of holiday desolation.  Who better than they to pass something truly pointless for no better reason than to win approval from voters that who think less favorably of them than of head lice (understandable, when you consider that you can get rid of head lice).  How about the:  Half-assed Ordinance to Lighten Individual Drudgery Arbitrarily and Yearly Act?


           

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Eve here at 'Just Blowing Smoke' (just like everywhere else), and since I missed a weekend posting, doing one for the holiday almost seemed a requirement.  Things have actually been rather quiet for the last couple of days here at JBS, which probably had a lot to do with the plague symptoms of those who attended the JBS Christmas Party over the weekend, and the ensuing recovery period required for a return to sub-normalcy.    

In fact, all noise production in the facility immediately afterward was reduced to a level lower than the sound of a mouse fart, in hopes of stretching the Advil supply around here far enough for someone to manage to get to their feet long  enough to see to replenishment.  (It was a near thing, let me tell you.)  With most of the troops having recovered as much as they ever do, they were sent their way for the Holidays; their Christmas bonuses clutched tightly in their hands.  (Actually, they were all not-too-politely tossed out the front door and told not to come back until at least next year, if at all.)

All that's left in headquarters today in fact is the Janitorial staff, which requires these seasonal breaks in the madness to more carefully sweep up the piles of empty Cheetos bags and recycle the empty glass bottles that have accumulated since the last Holiday season.  For those of you who have yet to understand the budgeting process here, that means that I'm entirely alone in the building with a couple of over-filled trash bags and a broom so worn that Harry Potter wouldn't be caught flying across Diagon Alley on it. 

Don't get me wrong, as I'm perfectly OK with this situation.  After all, I've turned most of my real problems loose on the public at large for a few days, which is a greater relief than I can tell you.  Besides, this is that time of year which allows me an opportunity for reflection on the year past, and to prepare for some seasonal work that I'll be helping out with presently.  I'm sure that I'll have something to say on some part of 2012's events next week, but if it's OK with everyone (and even if it's not), I'd like to take some time to gather some Christmas spirit before doing so.  (Hey!  I said spirit, not spirits.  Geez, you guys must think that nothing goes on around here except adult beverage consumption.  In fact, there's .... OK, let me get back to you on that.)

If you'll excuse me now, I want go ahead and finish up the cleaning so that I've got some time available to bake some of my favorite Christmas cookies before the evening really gets going.  (So few kids leave snicker-doodles out any more.)  Besides, I have to make sure that there's enough left over from my requisite QC testing process for the visitor that I'm expecting later this evening. 

Meanwhile, I would like to wish all of you

Merry Christmas

By the way Big Guy, if you manage to read this before loading up the sleigh, the picture at the top is in fact a not-so-subtle hint that there are a number of us out here hoping for a 2013 World Series appearance for the Cubbies.  If however, this is something you find unable to deliver this year, don't worry about it.  We've been waiting for 104 years already, so I suppose one more won't hurt.     

TFP Column: Naughty and Nice ....

There's some button busting going on here at "Just Blowing Smoke" (and not just because my latest diet isn't working out as planned).  It's seems that I've not only made the print version of this weekend's TFP with an extended bit of nonsense (a rare enough occurrence with all the great competition out there for column space), but because a Don Lee caricature of yours truly graces the edition's front cover.  

As some might remember, I sometimes get letters from the Post Office that are misdirected from another rather large, white-bearded gentleman this time of year (which this year I believe was done with a purpose).   Since the big guy himself gave me permission to read and use some of these missives to the North Pole "Naughty and Nice ..."  resulted.  The effort, which gave me some insight into gift requests and their likelihood of delivery for some of the members of local government in Toledo, will hopefully prove as much fun for you to read as it did for me to write.

When you're through admiring an image which is far too flattering (though it does get the wrinkles right) and catching up on who's really been naughty and nice in the Glass City, I'm sure that you'll find more than a little Christmas cheer in this weekend's effort to put you in the proper frame of mind for the holiday season. 

So while you're recovering from those workplace Christmas parties and preparing for the imminent arrival of a reindeer-driven sleigh, make sure to keep up with Toledo's holiday happenings in Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and Ohio's best weekly newspaper (for so many years that people are beginning to lose count), The Toledo Free Press.              

Dear Santa - 2012

Santa Claus

c/o North Pole

Dear Santa,

Like always it seems, this missive is being sent rather late this year and I apologize. Apparently you're not the only one out there that gets really busy around this time of year, and it didn't help when you had the Post Office drop all those letters off at my place. By the way, If this was supposed to be some kind of a joke, I have to tell you that everyone around here was laughing their butts off, with the exception of my apartment manager when the sacks were dumped on his desk (somebody must have watched the original “Miracle on 34^th Street). Anyway, I did read through a few of them like your note suggested, and was actually able to use a few of them. Funny Stuff!

I'd like to tell you that I've been good this year, but that would only be adding insult to injury. So if by some mischance I still made the 'Nice List', it's only because I've been bribing a couple of the elves. (You might really want to consider getting some counselors in by the way. Some of those guys have a serious Twinkie addiction; and with all those Hostess bakeries closed, there's got to be some some little Vulcan wannabes with a serious case if the shakes by now.)

Anyway, there's just one thing on my list for you this year:

Could you do something so that the pundits and power brokers let go of the Sandy Hook thing. The people actually involved are already in enough pain with what's happened to them and they don't need a bunch of media vultures asking how they feel during the funerals of their children and those of their friends; nor do they need a bunch of self-serving parasitic politicians trying to make a reputation on their misery. I have a feeling you'll know just how to get an anthracite message across in such a way that they'll remember it.

I'm not going to ask you to do anything for the families themselves, since that's way out of your job description. As someone who lost a family member way too early in their life (and mine for that matter), I know that the only thing that has a chance to help is time.  I had a couple of other thoughts for this year; but in light of recent events, none of them seem worth bothering over.  So don't worry about the small stuff, we can handle it on our own.

Speaking of families …. Before you ask, mine is doing well again this year, and since it appears that we're going to get past this little practical joke on the part of the Mayans, there are some especially good things to look forward to in 2013. I know I haven't asked for anything for myself this year, but I never really seem to ask for anything and you always manage to show up with some pretty great stuff in spite of my annual misdeeds … thanks. I'm especially thankful to you by the way, for whatever you keep giving Michael Miller that convinces him to put my writing efforts up on the Toledo Free Press website.

Besides, I know that there are a lot of people out there whose need is far greater than mine, so you would be doing me a big favor to help them out as much as you can instead. (Come to think of it, you might want to get lots of them copies of the “Holiday Wishes 2” through the TFP, which would help twice over.)

Merry Christmas,

Tim

P.S. I will no doubt be up late again this year (nobody at our age actually sleeps well anyway), and I have plenty of cookies and Egg Nog (yes, the low-fat kind so you can watch your cholesterol), so feel free to stop by as usual. Not that you'll need it, but I'll leave the light on. 

 

Fiscal Cliff ... Phoooey

(Please be aware that the occasional use of sarcasm is likely in this effort.  While I can promise you that it's there, I feel no obligation to specifically point out its use.)

The end of 2012 is almost upon us, and quite frankly there's not much to look forward to. After all, we're just about to see the last date with the same numbers that we're ever going to in our lifetimes (12-12-12).  And if that weren't depressing enough, I just discovered that we won't actually have Dick Clark this year to host "Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve" from Times Square.  I mean sure, he's got a great excuse and all, having achieved room temperature in April; but I'm not sure that gives him the right to mess up a show that still has his name on it.  Now there's nothing to look forward from this mostly awful 'Made-for-TV' event than Ryan Seacrest and a bunch of mostly talentless performers (which actually sounds like an episode of American Idol, but that's another story).

So what do have we got to look forward to.  New Year's Eve is a Monday (not one of your prime drinking days), which probably leads to a mid-week hangover for those who insist on over-indulging despite the poor timing. Then there's a couple of weeks of screwed up checks (at least for those of us who don't pay all of our bills electronically), with the scribbled out corrections of the date, shrugs, and occasional apologies to clerks and grocery check out people who don't give a crap anyway.  Oh yeah, and then there's this pesky Fiscal Cliff thing.  I mean wow, what a fuss!

I suppose I don't want to give more to the government in taxes than the next guy (well, maybe except for that Warren Buffet character), but I figure that if any of us has to pay more, all of us should.  I mean hell, Democrats have been telling us for years that things haven't been the same since Bill Clinton was president anyway (and certainly they wouldn't lie about such a thing).  So being a big fan of "The Good Old Days", I say that we all ought to climb in the 'Wayback Machine' and take a trip back to the Magical tax rates of the 90's.  Of course I'd like to take government spending levels back to the same period as those tax rates, but that's just the kind of nostalgia fan I am.

I'm also a realist however, so I know that the government needs to take more of my money.  After all, without it how could they afford all the hiring that they've been up to again lately? (How else are they going to get the unemployment rate down?)  If not for government, who else could be counted to funnel money into solar energy companies that, when they're not shifting their manufacturing to China, are going bankrupt and sticking us for the money they the got from the feds?  How else could the government afford to pay farmers for crops they aren't growing?  Who else could continue to pay ethanol producers to make a fuel that still isn't affordable (even with the federal subsidies), causes more pollution in its production than the gasoline it replaces, wrecks the cars that attempt to use it, and drives up the price of the crops that the farmers do plant since they're being put in a gas tank instead of someone's pie hole.  Hell, they've got the system so well rigged that they can drive up the price of the fuel by forcing the mandatory use of ethanol, drive up the price of groceries being made with whatever's left; and ignore what it does to the cost of living, since neither fuel nor food count when the government calculates this rather vital number.   

But let's get past the nonsense of government's sad attempts to pick winners and losers in the game of capitalism. (Not that with their record, winners comes up often or that anyone's going to let them pick horses at the track because of their past performance ).  The US government has long sponsored pure science as well as commercial opportunities.  Oh sure, we've abandoned spending most of cash we once put in our space program, and NASA with it; but there's still a lot going on in important pure research.  For example, how else than by spending $3 million would we know how far a shrimp can run on a treadmill, or through a $300K grant learn how humans ride bikes?  (Personally, will all those legs I'd like to see a study with the shrimp on the bikes, but that's just how an inquiring mind like mine works.)  How about the $3 million given to the University of CA at Irvine to play video games, the $700K in government grants the University of New Hampshire is using to study methane emissions from dairy cows, or the $615K in taxpayer funding the University of CA at Santa Cruz got to digitize Grateful Dead T-shirts, tickets, and T-shirts?  Oh but there's more!  There's the $1 million in federal funds used to create poetry to raise environment awareness at the Little Rock, New Orleans, Milwaukee, and Chicago Zoos, or the $442K that the NIH is using to study male prostitutes in Viet Nam to name of few of the thousands in recent budgets.

And of course the government needs money to pay the 535 legislators that approve all of this money being spent on such worthy efforts in the first place.  House Speaker John Boehner's making $223K, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's right behind by pulling down a little over $193K, and all the rank (pun intended) and file legislators are knocking back $174K.  (And boy, they're worth it, aren't they?)  How can we expect to be able to afford such high-priced talent if we all don't redistribute a little wealth to those that are making far more than the rest of us (but just under the $250K line used to designate 'the two percent')?  And now that so many of them are retiring because of the toxic atmosphere they've created in Washington DC, there's some pretty fat pensions that have to paid to those who've made millions trading on the inside legislative and regulatory information they've gathered while in office.

So I say Phoooey to the current nonsense and worry being spewed about driving off the Fiscal Cliff in 2013.  I say that when we see that cliff, let's punch the gas and make a Dukes of Hazard, General Lee effort at the jump!  It's time to stand up and be counted for a government that's doesn't appear to be doing so well in the polls and fro some reason seems a bit short of cash. This is the Christmas season after all and our government needs us.  (Oops, did I just violate Jefferson's principle of the 'Separation of Church and State' by mentioning a religious holiday and government in the same sentence?  Sorry ....)  I say we all show the spirit of giving that Americans are famous for (even evil Republicans) and put some of that money we were going to use for holiday charitable donations (no doubt for no better reason than so we could write them off our taxes) and presents for the kids and put it instead where it can do the most good; in the hands of our trusted and respected politicians.  After all, who better than they would know what's best for us.  Besides, with just a little bit of luck, they might give a little bit of it back to us.  
  
             

TFP Column: Conservative Christmas List

I had been absent from sending appropriate efforts to Editor-in-Chief Michael Miller of the Toledo Free Press for no good reason.  Quite frankly, with the election over and the season of holidays upon us, politics was probably not as much on my mind as it should have been.  The fact that no original ideas were rattling around in the empty head of mine (much as they failed to make their presence known in Washington DC's recent discussions) might also have had a bit to do with my absence.

I sent an apology to Michael for my shortcomings and lack of worthwhile ideas, he replied with a suggestion in keeping with the Christmas spirit which should now be upon all of us.  This spark of creativity on his part in turn led not only to this week's late breaking effort:  "Conservative Christmas List"; but to a further effort that I am working on for next week (and maybe even more).

Fortunately, Michael need not count on my productivity in order to produce a newspaper that keeps the Glass City not only informed, but entertained.  So if you're looking to be either as you work your way through the holiday shopping season, you could not do better than to pick up this week's edition (or spend some time on the website of) Toledo's largest circulation Sunday, and Ohio's best weekly newspaper (yet again); the Toledo Free Press.

 

Holiday Health Alert

Christmas is once more upon us and in the spirit of the season’s traditions, Just Blowing Smoke is once more issuing a holiday alert. While many are concerned rampant consumerism that the claim that Christmas has degenerated into, our staff long ago realized that it was rampant consumption that was the greatest threat during the holiday season. While the list below is incomplete, it’s hoped that by its posting, it will aid some in restraint of the dangerous behavior that many are about to participate in. (And as our politicians are oh so fond of saying, if just one life is saved….)

Egg Nog: Let’s face it folks, considering the cholesterol and calories imbued in this beverage produced especially for the holidays, you might as well slather it on like sunscreen rather than drink it. Not only will you spare yourself endless hours on the treadmill, but I understand that it does wonders for the complexion. While there are tales that the deleterious effects of Nog can be somewhat mitigated by mixing it with alcohol (dark rum is a personal favorite), there is nothing but anecdotal evidence to support such claims. (On the other hand, having partaken of it in this fashion, it's unlikely that calories or any other coherent thought will be of much concern to you.)

 

Fruit Cake: In spite of the bad wrap that this treat has received over the years, the truth of the matter is that it poses little health risk to most of the population; and can in fact be used beneficially. No, it’s not the fruit of which it’s comprised or the way in which it's prepared that makes it healthy; but the fact that it’s so awful that it’s usually consumed in very small portions which limit exposure to its toxic effects. Fruitcake carries the additional benefit of having left over sections that can be used as a substitute for a truncheon or throwing weapon to drive guests away from other tastier and potentially more deadly treats at the holiday table. 

 

Cookies: These tasty little confections, while around all year in some form, put on their ‘party best’ for the holiday season. Dressed in clever shapes, colored icings, and of course sprinkles and glitter, the confections have been effectively camouflaged in every variety of holiday masquerade.  These deadly little delicacies however will challenge even the most dedicated of diets, and in spite of their danger, do in fact contain most of the major food groups: sugar, chocolate, useless carbs, and unpronounceable chemicals.  (If someone could get red meat or bacon onto them, they'd be perfect.)  They are considered the most accessible of temptations, since they can normally be crammed into one's pie hole all at once; minimizing the risk of discovery and disguising the damage they're doing. (Be careful to make sure that you've brushed the crumbs off though, as they are a dead giveaway.)  Vowing to abstaining from future consumption of them and to exercise the calories gained from cookies are among the top five of resolutions for each New Years.

 

Cheese: For some reason, cheese has long found a place at our holiday tables, often in rather bizarre forms. Sure you can go with the snooty specialty and European cheeses if what you’re looking for is something in the way of flavor, but the natural ingredients found in such products can expose the consumer to greater risk. The American tradition is much more likely to be defined by cheese balls, cheese logs, and the ever-popular “Cheese Whiz”. As most of us know, the more processed such cheese is, the better for you it probably is; with the piston cans of “Easy Cheese’ being the most healthy (and containing the least cheese) of all of the products available. There is nothing like emulsifiers or carrageenan to bring real cheese texture to a dish and nothing like citric acid when it comes to real cheese flavor. While we're at it, let’s not forget all of the wonderful processed products that are in most of the crackers we put this on, in an opportunity to add insult to injury (literally).

Cocktail Weenies:  No one really knows what animals these tasty little treats come from, let alone what parts of those animals might be involved; and quite frankly (pun intended) no one wants to know.  This ostensible meat product however has become a holiday favorite over the years.  This probably has something to do with fact that it can be served in so many ways.  Drowned in equally toxic sauce and cooked so long that the surrounding liquid congeals to the consistency of paste, or wrapped in a variety of equally mysterious (and probably unhealthy) substances, it can be served as a blue collar staple by the scoop or daintily displayed on the finest serving-ware, impaled upon toothpicks with colorful frills at one end.  Do not be distracted by its innocent appearance however (and be careful to use on the untasseled part of the toothpick).  Not only is there little or no actual food value in this diminutive dog, but government funded studies have found it to be extremely habit-forming and a gateway food to Brat and Andouille sausage addiction.

Alcohol: The health dangers of exposure of alcohol come in many forms, ranging from what are largely the stealth efforts of rum balls and the aforementioned Egg Nog to the traditional holiday cocktails (like rum punch), and ending with the indulgence in every form fermented and distilled beverages. Let me state for the record that here at JBS, we approve heartily in such indulgences. Not only are recent studies showing the positive health effects of moderate consumption of such beverages, but with the year all but at its end, it’s probably long past time that as survivors, we celebrated its successful conclusion. 

Overindulgence carries significant long-term health risks however, usually from one’s spouse. The immature, impolite, and down stupid behavior committed while under the influence of ‘that demon rum’ will no more likely be forgiven in the spirit of the holiday than it would otherwise. The damage can be significant and reputation rehabilitation process can be a long and painful one.

I should also note under this section, that driving while intoxicated can additionally be damaging and expensive. Not only do you risk spending some or all of your holiday in jail and thereby ruining the occasion for the whole family; but the economic and employment repercussions can be devastating for subsequent year’s holiday celebrations. 

__________________

 

While Santa is the spirit of the holiday season in many households, there's no reason to attempt to equal his girth as well as his good cheer. While the fact that the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world is less than twelve months away, there's no reason to expedite the process on a personal scale by overindulgence at the end of this one. So by all means enjoy your holidays, and by all means enjoy the tasty treats of the season; but if for no other reason than my concern for you, please do so in moderation. (Besides, the use of such intelligent behavior will undoubtedly leave more for me…)

Recognized

The time of year has once again brought its own set of personal annoyances to be dealt with.  Apparently it's not enough for me to have to deal with the normal perils and pitfalls Christmas shopping in crowded malls and big box stores; fighting the maddening herds of ill-behaved shoppers, dealing with the constant disappointment out-of-stock merchandise, and contemplating the mounting debt caused by my purchases like everyone else.  I am additionally beset with trials and tribulations that I have neither sought, nor encouraged.

For some strange reason, children that I don't know and have never in my life met seem to believe that they recognize me.  Often racing up to greet me and grabbing me tightly by the leg (making it damned hard to get some of the stains out, I might add), they seem convinced that we have in fact known each other for years and have been communicating on a regular basis.  Try as I might to convince these smiling little faces that I have never before had the pleasure of their acquaintance, they not only refuse to be persuaded and persist in believing that I'm wrong, but seem amused at my repeated contentions of ignorance over recognition of their identity.  Insistent on convincing me of their good behavior and wanting to know if I received their latest personal missive, they refuse to let go in spite of any and all protestations on my part.

Don't get me wrong, there are children in this world that I'm rather attached to (my offspring); though I suppose that at their respective ages, they are no longer considered children by anyone but their mother and me.  I am also rather taken (and I believe appropriately so) with their offspring, who are in fact still children.  Most of the rest I am able to deal with well enough, so long as they realize that unlike their parents, I am not there for their constant and immediate gratification.  In light of some of the recent accusations, trials, and convictions regarding the clerics of the Catholic Church and some sports coaches around the country however, you might well understand the panic that I feel when confronted by such diminutive displays of affection by strange children in places public or private.  

Interestingly enough, the parents of these little carpet crawlers (a term that I use with the utmost affection), seem mostly unconcerned by these astonishing displays of attachment to what they must realize is a complete stranger; while likewise appearing to be either unable or unwilling to persuade their offspring of this case of mis-identification.  In fact, they seem patently amused at the spectacle and merely smile at my continued protestations of innocence.

While age continues to diminish a memory that was never the best to begin with, I continue to believe that I am correct in believing that these are cases of mistaken identity and not the early onset of senility (though there is ample evidence to the contrary).  I have to say however, that these diminutive displays of unwarranted and undeserved devotion continue to be disconcerting to say the least.  Not that I have anything against displays of affection where I'm concerned you understand; but if I'm to suffer such demonstrations of undying devotion from strangers, I would prefer to have some choice in the demographic involved (Victoria's Secret Supermodels comes to mind as an example, and single women within my own age group would likewise be acceptable). 

Fortunately, we are now about half way through the four week period of juvenile madness during which these bizarre occurrences seem to be most prevalent, one that begins in late November and ends late in December.  I grow increasingly anxious for the abatement of whatever conditions seem to cause this temporary madness though, and I long for the day when I will once again be allowed to return to my normal and perhaps preferred state of public anonymity.  Meanwhile like it or not, I get recognized ...

(A tip of the hat by the way, to this old Stephen Bishop tune from the days of my youth; which helped to put a hook on some random thoughts trying to become a blog post.)

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'Unoccupy' Thanksgiving

Tax-paying citizens from New York to Oakland have patted themselves on the back as law enforcement agencies finally moved into parks across the country to at long last oust 'Occupy Wall Street' (OWS) protestors from these downtown venues.  Cries of "About time!" and "Well done!" undoubtedly greet police and politicians alike as city residents take stock of the damage and take the measure of the clean up efforts that will required to put things in order.  Hearty congratulations ring all around as in what curiously seemed an almost organized effort to free downtown venues from the grip of an ill-conceived and unwashed mass of humanity.  (OK, maybe not mass, but more than a gaggle and less than a herd.)

Curiously (or perhaps not so), few wondered at how so many different municipalities, many with divergent political outlooks and party control, managed to have come to the same conclusion all but simultaneously.  Being by nature a cynic and a skeptic however, I was unable to accept this.  I found that I was uncomfortable with and curious about such timing.  Coincidence is a thing of dime detective novels and not the way that cities are run; so there had to be something else.  Then it hit me ... Thanksgiving!

What would the image of NYC be if the Macy's parade were held with the potential specter of OWS protestors appearing amongst the crowd, or (worse yet) on camera during the broadcast?  How many of the normal crowd of onlookers might be persuaded to pass up a trip to Manhattan to avoid running into some of the more odious (and odorous) of the 99%?  How would the image that Mayor Bloomberg and the city desperately wanted to portray as welcome and safe be affected by crowds of the disaffected attempting to get their message across?  And I'm sure that New York is not the only city to have considered this.

How many other cities around the country are having 'Holiday Parades' that they would prefer not to have hampered by these rag-tag and ill smelling protestors?  How many cities fear the effect on downtown tourism in an already bad economy if it were known that an OWS group were on hand somewhere?  How, for example, would Kansas City's famous turning on of the Plaza lights be impacted by the shadow of disreputable, dirty, and foul-smelling people attempting to take center stage (and that's just the politicians).     

I'm sorry to rain (almost quite literally) on the parade of those whose mostly unwritten and unspoken (except in the privacy of their own homes) demands have been to take back their cities from this movement without apparent cause or purpose; but the horrible truth of it is that the right thing has been done in cities across the country once again for no better reasons than municipal vanity and seasonal greed.  

Not only do these cities not want their worst foot put forward when most on public display, but they certainly don't want a hint of impairment to a season of rampant consumerism in the way of holiday parties at expensive downtown hotel and restaurant venues, and seasonal shopping that accounts for the lion's share of profit for retail outlets in an already down economy.  

Making the move when they did allows cities to clear out and clean up the mess left behind by protestors to whom sanitation was yet another word that their expensive educations had not permitted them to grasp.  Plenty of time was left to hose downs parklands and sidewalks, dispose of the make-shift tents and trash, and process the human debris arrested on misdemeanor charges for refusing to move along.  Thanksgiving crowds will likely even find smiling city workers to greet them on their arrival next week; those workers having already given considerable thanks for recent hefty paychecks (including overtime earned during the clean up) that they have received for their disinfecting efforts. 

Yes, it seems likely that rather than the praise that we would like to heap on our local government, we may be forced to settle for measured disdain.  Altruism probably had little or nothing to do with the ultimate decision have those of OWS move along.  Instead it was invariably political expediency, vanity, and greed that motivated those ostensibly in charge to do what we all knew must be done some time ago.  We may nevertheless take some consolation, as we occupy prime seats for these holiday celebrations, that the unwashed part of the 99% has 'Unoccupied' Thanksgiving.

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Merry Christmas

The scene depicted above is one that is iconic for Kansas City, the lights of the Plaza District put up every year to celebrate the season.

In one of those strange coincidences, Christmas falls this year on a day that I normally post every weekend. In the spirit of the holiday, there is perhaps no greater gift that I can give on this day than to take it off and refrain from doing so (after all, even White Castle is closed on Christmas). Do not expect such largess to continue indefinitely; as I am not after all, the government. I am sure that after digesting the rather impressive quantities of food that I have / will consume on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I will find the strength to return to this blog to its normal level of nonsense.

Merry Christmas

Dear Santa

I suddenly realized that it was a week before Christmas and I had yet to write my letter to Santa Claus. Having thus missed the opportunity to send him the proper missive by snail mail, I recognized that the only way that it had any chance to reach him in time would be to send him an email. Of course I'm sure that Santa gets millions of emails (Who can afford the postage these days?), so I began to think about how I could set my letter apart from all the rest.

Then it hit me. Rather than sending a simple email, I could instead write my request in the form of a blog posting. Based on our physical resemblance, our shared smoking habit (though I often prefer cigars to using one of my pipes these days), and the popularity of this website (Hah!); I thought it at least possible that the big guy would might read this in time to do me some good.

Besides, I thought that doing it in this manner would allow me the perfect opportunity to also rant about the tax rate negotiations and those that will now find something under their tree, the omnibus spending bill and all of the gifts that Congress seems to be trying to supplant Santa by delivering to constituencies (though it appears that this may not make a vote in time), and any number of other political pejoratives about the shenanigans that have been going on in Washington in the days leading up to the upcoming holiday that I could think of.

Just as I was getting the keyboard warmed up to deliver this scathing diatribe however, I discovered myself unable to do so. In a true Linus moment, it occurred to me that Christmas is not there for me or anyone else to use as a platform for political commentary, nor is it a time of year that should be used to attack anyone (even if they deserve it).

Whether one follows the religious interpretation of the holiday, the secular version of cheer personified in Dicken's "A Christmas Carol", or even the overblown commercial version lovingly demonized in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"; the day is meant to be one of fellowship, of sharing, and of giving.

That in turn made me take a look at a year all but ended, to see what I might want to put on my gift list for Santa. I found that in spite of being a year of rather more challenges than I expected, 2010 has nevertheless been a pretty good year. I have been granted pretty good health, the opportunity to reinvent myself (something long overdue), and a chance to spend more time with a family in Kansas City that I have seen far too infrequently over the last couple of decades (also long overdue).

I also find in looking about me, that I am blessed with three healthy, happy children; and five grandchildren of equal fitness and cheerfulness (one of which, Molly, is but a recent addition to the clan). Taking all of that under consideration, I find that I have a great deal for be thankful for this year.

This in turn brought me to the realization that I really had nothing that I wanted to ask Santa for this year. My needs and desires for material possessions seems to diminish with every passing year, and I find that the simplicity of such a life agrees with me. 

While I hope to be doing some traveling soon to pay visits to these offspring and their progeny, I am more than capable of handling that on my own, and will be confirming plans for this over the coming days. Even my man-toy list is non-existent this year, since I was forced to replace a computer that achieved room temperature a couple of months ago. While this self-given gift may have been a bit extravagant, it did allow me the guilty pleasure of continuing my literary efforts, both here and in the Toledo Free Press. It even provided what may be an additional opportunity to submit work for publication that I will talk about more in January if anything comes of it. 

Perhaps it's simply that not having trimmed my beard in a couple of months, the face that stares back at me in the mirror is simply too strong a reminder of a guy with eight reindeer (nine in bad weather) and the spirit of the season. I therefore find myself unaccountably filled with that Christmas spirit, and believe that I will simply relax and enjoy the feeling. So as far as that letter goes:        

Dear Santa, 


If you're reading this, don't worry about dropping anything off for me this year, I'm doing just fine. Besides, I'm sure that you have plenty of people out there who actually do need things and have been a lot nicer than me.

Thanks for everything you've brought me in the past by the way. It's all been pretty great.

If you'd like to stop by anyway while making your rounds, please feel free to do so. The cookies and milk will be on me. If nothing else, we can compare notes on diets that don't work and the proper care of white beards. 


Merry Christmas, 


 Tim