Christmas Eve Terror Alert

I was doing a bit of cleaning up the Command Center for the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security after the recent and rather abrupt departure of the staff.  Apparently these authorities on uncovering secret information finally discovered that their jobs were no longer necessary only three days after I told them so (for the third time).  This Manatee Team of faux covert operations (SEAL was obviously already taken and Manatee fit the staff paradigm more accurately) had an extraction zone pre-arranged, and hung around just long enough to insure that there was 'no bottle left behind'.  What they did leave behind however, was one Cheetos-stained dispatch, apparently forgotten in their hasty departure. 

Now while I thought about not bothering to pass it on, since what follows looks to be far from a complete list; I do so in the spirit of the Holidays, recognizing that perhaps by posting their final effort (and as our politicians are oh so fond of saying),  

"If just one life is saved…."

Egg Nog: Let’s face it folks, considering the cholesterol and calories contained in the full strength version of this beverage, you might as well slather it on like sunscreen rather than drink it. Not only will you save yourself from the ire of the nation's health care providers, but I understand that it serves as an effective SPF-125 sunscreen and does wonders for the complexion. While there are myths that some of the harmful effects of Nog can be somewhat mitigated by thinning it with alcohol (dark rum is a personal favorite), there is nothing but anecdotal evidence to support such claims. (On the other hand, having partaken of it in this fashion, it's unlikely that calories or any other of its deleterious effects will any longer concern you.)

 

Fruit Cake: In spite of the bad wrap that this holiday treat has received over the years, the truth of the matter is that it poses little health risk to most of the population; and can in fact be used beneficially. It’s not the fruit of which it’s 'allegedly' comprised or the way in which it's prepared that makes it healthy; but the fact that it’s so often prepared improperly that it's all but toxic except when consumed in very small portions (even by government standards).  Additional benefits include its use as an emergency escape tool to break car windows in the event of a holiday automotive accident and as a substitute for a truncheon or throwing weapon to drive guests away from other tastier and potentially more deadly treats at the holiday table. 

 

Cookies: These tasty little confections, while around all year in some form, put on their ‘party best’ for the holiday season. Dressed in clever shapes, hued in artificial colorings, and of course clothed sprinkles and glitter (probably manufactured by Exxon), these dietary landmines are camouflaged in a variety of holiday masquerades.  These bakery booby-traps in fact contain most of the major food groups: sugar, chocolate, useless carbs, and unpronounceable chemicals.  (If someone could get red meat or bacon onto them, they'd be perfect.)  Vowing to abstain from future consumption of them and to exercise off the calories gained from them are among the top five of resolutions for each New Year.

 

Cheese: For some reason, cheese has long found a place at our holiday tables, often in rather bizarre forms. Sure you can go with the snooty specialty and European cheeses if what you’re looking for is something in the way of flavor, but the natural ingredients found in such products can expose the consumer to greater risk (including becoming un-American). The true American tradition is much more likely to be defined by cheese balls, cheese logs, and the ever-popular “Cheese Whiz”. As most of us know, the more processed such cheese is, the better it is for you; with the piston cans of "Easy Cheese" being the most healthy of all (since they contain the least cheese). There is nothing like emulsifiers or carrageenan to bring real cheese texture to a dish and nothing like citric acid when it comes to real cheese flavor. While we're at it, let’s not forget all of the wonderful processed products contained in most of the crackers we put this on, leading to an opportunity to add insult to injury (literally and figuratively).

Cocktail Weenies:  No one really knows what animals these tasty little treats come from, let alone what parts of those animals might be involved; and quite frankly (pun intended) no one wants to know.  This ostensible meat product however has become a holiday favorite over the years.  This probably has something to do with fact that it can be served in so many ways.  Drowned in equally toxic sauce and cooked so long that the surrounding liquid congeals to the consistency of paste, or wrapped in a variety of equally mysterious (and probably unhealthy) substances and baked, it can be served as a blue collar staple by the scoop or daintily displayed on the finest upper crust serving-ware  by impaling it upon toothpicks with colorful frills at one end.  Do not be distracted by its innocent appearance however (and be careful to apply the untasseled part of the toothpick to the weenie).  Not only is there little or no actual food value in this diminutive dog, but recent government funded studies have found it to be little more than a gateway food to dependency on its larger brethren:  the Hot Dog, the Brat and Andouille sausage.

Alcohol: The health dangers of exposure to alcohol come in many forms, ranging from what are largely the stealth efforts of rum balls and the aforementioned Egg Nog to the traditional holiday cocktails (like rum punch), and ending with the indulgence in every form of fermented and distilled beverages known to mankind. Let me state for the record that at DJBSS, we approve heartily in such indulgences.  Not only do recent studies continue to show the positive health effects of moderate consumption of such beverages, but with the year all but at its end, it’s probably long past time that as survivors, we celebrated its successful conclusion. 

Overindulgence carries significant long-term health risks however, usually from one’s spouse. The immature, impolite, and downright stupid behavior committed while under the influence of ‘that demon rum’ will no more likely be forgiven in the spirit of the holiday than they would otherwise. The damage can be significant and reputation rehabilitation process can be a long and painful one.

It should also be noted under this section, that driving while intoxicated can be additionally be damaging and expensive. Not only do you risk spending some or all of your holiday in jail and thereby ruining the occasion for the whole family; but the economic and employment repercussions can be devastating for subsequent year’s holiday celebrations.

While Santa is the spirit of the holiday season in many households, there's no reason to attempt to equal his girth as well as his good cheer.  So by all means enjoy your holidays and all the tasty treats of the season; but if for no other reason than the concerns of the DJBSS, please do so in moderation.

Terror Alert: IRS

In a rather rare showing of unasked for enterprise, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security has released a second terror alert during the month of May.  Upon reading the Cheetos-stained scrap of paper that was slipped out from beneath the locked door of their Command Center (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours),  I couldn't help but note the timely nature of their warning.  Well, not exactly timely, unless of course you measure timeliness based on when Congress finally gets off of their fat behinds and tries to do its job about something that everyone else has know about for over a year; but I just figured that like the President, they just finally got around to reading about the issue in the papers.

I guessing that by now some of you may have already figured out what's coming here ... a special alert regarding a group of federal government bureaucrats who are making everyone in this country's life a living Hell.  No, I'm not talking about Department of Homeland Security or the Environmental Protection Agency (though Lord only knows I could be); but instead about pernicious pack of pencil pushers known as the IRS.  Surprisingly enough, this is not to be confused with the Internal Revenue Service (though they are certainly an organization made up of poisonous pond scum ...  Oh crap, now I'm going to get audited), but an even more corrupt crowd within the mindless minions of the unelected elite, the Insidious Reprisal Syndicate.

These deceitful bureaucratic bastards actually have their hooks into most of the federal bureaucracy, and are largely responsible for attacks on citizens in this country who refuse to lie down quietly and do what they are told when instructed by those far wiser than they in government service tell them to.  Drain a mosquito-infested pond to protect you children from blood-sucking parasites (no, not the Internal Revenue Service again) spreading disease and they will be the ones taking you to court to make you refill (and restock) it.  Turn a parking lot into a green space (or vice versa) and they will contact you to perform a site restoration.  Attempt to move jobs to another state (let alone country) in order to provide lower costs goods and services to the public and they will work their will to prevent it.  Seek to create jobs in any state in this country, and they will be the ones reprimanding you over violation of arcane regulations in the massive document known as the Federal Register that prevent you from doing so.  And of course, try to start a tax-exempt group to teach the Constitution written to define and limit the government to a nation that has mostly long since forgotten it and a bureaucracy which simply seeks to ignore it, and they will be there to stall the paperwork.

What's amazing in this particular alert is that the government has already somehow managed to correctly identify the perpetrators in the Internal Revenue Service in this case, as low level employees in the bureaucratic maze who acted in such a horrifying fashion without instruction from management, without written guidelines (in triplicate) to follow, and without the knowledge of managers at any level in their respective bureaucracy.  We know this of course, because no one certainly at the managerial level, the senior staff level, or certainly not at the cabinet level itself, would allow such a blatant violation of the First Amendment, nor an obvious politicizing of the bureaucratic process to knowingly occur ... let alone condone it.  (Sarcasm, you decide.)  In fact, this secret society of depraved drones has once again so successfully managed to work their evil will on Conservative groups, that their efforts have mostly escaped current Congressional inquiry, testimony before Congress by the acting Internal Revenue Service Director (acting in fact, seems to have multiple meaning where this job is concerned), and an internal Inspector General audit (which was only able to conclude that no government funds were misused any more than normal by the departmental employees committing these egregious acts).

Not surprisingly, the DJBSS was unable to provide any identifying characteristics for members of the IRS, which of course is exactly the point of their existence.  Outwardly they are just as inconsiderate, smug, and unproductive as any other nameless, faceless bureaucratic drone, so they are well able hide amongst other innocently bungling brethren at will.  They seldom achieve (by choice) either notoriety or guilt.  Having burned off their fingerprints as part of a particularly gruesome initiation ritual, they never leave evidence behind.  Their particularly destructive actions however, eventually come to light.  (Some say that this is on purpose, and acts as a sort of 'Kilroy Was Here' signature for them.)  Like a rotting corpse, at some point the sickening smell of their misdeeds gives them away.  Strangely however,  their transgressions seldom lead to  anything beyond a few weeks of newspaper headlines and a string of meaningless Congressional investigations that allow the Committee Chairman and a few other members to grab some posturing, camera time, and cheap headlines in the political lull before seeking campaign contributions for their next re-election bid.

Because of the particularly bloody trail that these vile, villainous vandals leave in their wake (sorry, I was having a "V is for Vendetta" moment), the DJBSS is raising the terror threat for the couple of days until the inconsequential hearings in Washington can resume to RED.
        

     

TFP Column: We Need A Law

I know that I have been absent from the pages of the TFP for a couple of weeks, and I want you to know that there are reasons for this to have happened.  Most of them involve an admission of sheer intellectual laziness and occasional bouts of creative nonappearance.

That being said, it appears that Editor-in-Chief Michael Miller has once more placed his well-deserved reputation in jeopardy by accepting my latest effort, "We Need A Law".

Please understand that I mean no disrespect to the victims of the recent Boston Marathon tragedy.  That being said, I can't ignore the current government practice of using the despicable behavior of whoever created these bombs to commit additional despicable behavior in their continuing attempts achieve the same goal as terrorists by restricting personal freedom and increasing government control.

On a more positive note, it's only the middle of the week and the TFP "Star" edition is just hitting the streets.  In addition, there will no doubt be a number of far more uplifting written efforts later in the week in Toledo's highest circulation Sunday and Ohio's Best Weekly newspaper for the last four years, the Toledo Free Press. 

Six Months From Benghazi

Well we've past the six month anniversary since the terrorist attack on the Consulate in Benghazi, Libya in which four Americans were killed, including the Ambassador; and we apparently know little more than we knew as it was going on.  

Of course there aren't the media implications and political victories to be won from this tragedy that there are from many others that remain the focus of a great deal of attention.   This is no Sandy Hook or Columbine where the lives of innocent children were cut short by the mentally unbalanced behavior of other misguided children.  There can be no lingering discussion of 2nd Amendment rights and the on again, off again attempts of the national legislature to treat it as something they can interpret without bringing the issue to the people themselves in the form of a Constitutional Amendment.  Neither is this an attack on a politician like Gabby Giffords where we can add the misguided assumptions of impassioned political rhetoric censure to double dip in the Bill of Rights by adding attacks to the 1st Amendment to that of the 2nd.

No, this was a cold-blooded attack on the lives and property of the United States by what turned out to be a well-organized group of terrorists with a well thought out plan.  There is no argument in this para-military assault as to what weapons were used, even though this went beyond whether they were semi or fully automatic; since those involved brought mortars to insure that the compounds walls were not an issue, and its building little or no protection.

In the former cases we have certainly identified the culprits involved, analyzed their life stories in minute detail, and experts have done their best to divine the motivations of their mentally unstable behavior.  In the latter, we've had two potential suspects detained; one of which was subsequently released and another only recently brought in to custody, but not questioned by US law enforcement directly.  The only guy sitting in US custody is the poor bastard who made a YouTube trailer that was at first erroneously blamed for the attack.

In the former we've come to conclusions that perhaps teachers should be trained and armed or that local law enforcement should be placed at schools in the future to prevent the recurrance of such dastardly acts.  In the latter, we have yet to hear from the government that we've beefed up security, if only in troubled areas, to do the same.  (Hell, we haven't even heard that the State Department would have like to beef up security, but can't because of Sequestration ... an error on the part of the Administration if I do say so.)

In the former we've been given the tragic 'life cut short stories' of victims, heard the emotional testimony of some families before Congress while others have had their opinions and feelings detailed in high profile media interviews.  In the latter, the only witnesses have been held incommunicato (heaven forbid that they should be questioned while events are still fresh); and it appears that only a Congressional subpeona will see any first hand information given, even in closed hearings.

As for the things we don't know and will never know on the latter, the list is prpobably far too long to go into; but let me try and hit some of the highlights:

• We don't know whether the Consulate was trying to do weapons swaps as has been rumored, and which might provide some reason for its designation as a target.
• We don't know why a security detail deployed in Libya for the protectio nof the Embassy and its personnel was withdrawn a month before the attack, especially in light of events that occurred at the Red Cross and British Embassy.
• We don't know who was in direct command and control of the situation after Defense Secretary Leon Panetta met with the President for a regular briefing soon after the attack had begun.
• We don't know why there were subsequent briefings to the President as it continued, or apparently to Secretary of State Clinton, whose people were being fired upon.
• We don't know why an unarmed drone was sent to assess the situation when the Administration is so ready to deploy armed ones that might have been able to chase the attackers off in so many other situations. 
• We don't know why none of the military assets that were available to the US government (if only to buzz the site) were not deployed; or why Libyan defense forces were not called up to defend Diplomatic territory that they are obligated to do as specified in international treaty.
• We don't know why the YouTube video was erroneously trotted out as the and stuck with for weeks in spite of the mounting evidence to the contrary.
• We don't know why US officials and spokesmen attempted to play 'bait and switch' with this causation when it fell apart; or why the President himself claimed alternately that both sides were the truth (with tapdance music playing playing) during and after the fact.
• We don't know why the media mostly ignored this story at the time, and continues to see this particular loss of life as either inconsequential or non-newsworthy.
• We don't know if we'll ever get answers to the murder of a US Ambassador and three other staff members.

Empty Words and Empty Suits

It's six weeks since the attack on the consulate in Benghazi, perhaps long enough to gain some perspective on the situation.  Perspective however, is exactly what seems to be lacking where Benghazi is concerned.  Instead we have firebrands on the left insisting that patience is required to get to the truth on something that's only a story because of politics, and firebrands on the right demanding answers from the White House as to what actually happened before voters go to the polls.  Apparently lost in all of the potential political hype of course is that four Americans are dead, including an Ambassador.

But I guess we've become rather blase about the murder of a mere four people.  After all, soldiers get killed in the two wars we are still fighting overseas and they barely rate a footnote at the end of the Sunday news talk shows.  Perhaps even worse, soldiers are also killed in training accidents while in the process of maintaining readiness to serve their country and that often doesn't rate the news at all.  But it's not just soldiers that die, people are killed in this country every day: on work-sites, in shopping malls, and on city streets.  Some are innocent, some are guilty, and some just find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Unless the media can find a way to make these senseless killings part of an pre-disposed personal agenda that they have on gun control, societal violence caused by movies and video games, or left vs right partisanship however, these senseless deaths are soon relegated to a back page line or two so that we can talk about Lindsay Lohan's most recent court appearance.

So what is it about Benghazi?

Well perhaps because the killing of diplomatic personnel is an issue of a national prestige that seems to be suffering rather badly these days from everything from a loss of international primacy to having to go cap in hand to borrow money from those we only recently considered one of our bitterest enemies.  Americans after all do like to feel exceptional and don't much care for being part of the pack, let alone at the mercy of it.  Part of it might be from seeing this as an apparent failure to control and utilize the technologies that we have pioneered.  Satellite telephones, emails on the Internet, and real-time pictures taken by aerial drones did nothing to prevent, let alone stop what was happening to our people. 

Most of it I think however, may be from the sorry realization that we have once again become victims of the 'empty suits and empty words' that plague our bureaucratically driven government.  For it appears that once again lives have been needlessly placed in jeopardy (and ultimately lost) due to political agendas, CYA rhetoric, and bureaucratic morass that seeks not calm deliberation, but over-cautious lassitude in its dealings with the rest of the world. "The bureaucratic mentality is the one constant in the universe," according to Dr. Leonard McCoy (yeah, the one from Star Trek).  And while taking wisdom from a sci-fi movie seem ridiculous, anyone exposed to government quickly recognized that it's nevertheless true.  In fact this is common and non-partisan malady of bureaucracy, where the recurrence and severity of advanced manifestations can and will be influenced by whoever the current tenant of the White House is. Those symptoms decrease significantly with a powerful personality in the Executive Mansion, but are equally susceptible to Analysis Paralysis setting in with a timid resident who would prefer to 'lead from behind'.   

While there's a lot of rumor and misinformation out there, what we do know about Benghazi however is that (as with many of the other senseless terrorist acts that have been committed against this country), there were plenty of warning signs that it was going to happen.  Not surprisingly, there were empty suits with their empty words on the scene; evaluating information and undoubtedly cautioning against appearing too provocative in protecting our people by making our diplomatic compounds more safe.  There were other empty suits as well, busy recommending strategic errors in not only failing to increase the protection of a diplomatic mission in what was and is clearly an unstable country, but in fact reducing it significantly instead in the days leading up to the anniversary of a terrorist success story of 9/11.  

If such agenda-driven inertia from the gutted garments in charge was not enough of a recipe for disaster, this situation was also burdened with the apparent silent somnolence of other career bureaucrats.  Bureaucratic drones, whose greatest danger has been from paper cuts, gave themselves and their fellows a seven hour Reality TV show from aerial drones and consulate cameras instead of responding.  In spite of the horror I'm sure they felt during this high tech marathon of mayhem, I suspect that there was little more dialogue in the room than those four empty and infamous word, "Let's wait and see".  Unless there are strategic moves that have yet to come to light (something hardly likely) what we saw as their response was: no planes were sent to fly air cover or close ground support for those in danger, no rescue teams were dispatched to those in need, no ships currently deployed in the Med were move closer in case their Marines were needed, and in fact no effort was made even to reinforce an embassy in Tripoli that was being warned it might also be facing imminent attack.  The empty words of empty suits apparently ruled the day once more and four who honorably served this nation were little more than served up for martyrdom by them.

I don't much care whether this helps or hurts the incumbent or his opponent.  I don't really care about what the theories for Ambassador Steven's visit to the Consulate in the first place might or might not be.  What I do care about however, is the pencil pushers in Washington are supposed to be defending the people who defend this nation, regardless of how it looks or whose agenda it inconveniences, did next to nothing.  Every bit of information that continues to leak out to the public about this attack on our diplomatic mission in Libya in fact points out how many empty words from empty suits that we've already gotten, not only as it was going on, but in the days that followed.

I'm sure that the days ahead will be full of additional information coming out in bits and pieces; along with the inevitable rumor, innuendo, and conspiracy theories as to the 'facts' of the situation.  I'm sure as well, that those same empty suits are working harder now to get their stories straight than they did then to help those in real danger.  I'm absolutely certain however, that when we look back after all the intelligence agency investigations and Congressional hearings are completed and the reports have long since been filed away, all that will remain is a dirty little secret that will remain unwritten and unrecognized.  That secret, unfortunately, is that American lives have once again been needlessly lost.  They were put at ultimate risk by the mouthings of empty words coming these empty suits, and few of those who will put in their twenty years and retire from the safety of Washington DC will even remember their names in the end, having never similarly risked their empty little lives.  

Please note that nowhere in this effort have I accused anyone of lying, though quite frankly the effort has blood running from my mouth.  I am however, getting rather tired of the continued parsing of previous statements.  Sure it's easier to 'Monday Morning Quarterback' and make these decisions now; but the only thing worse that the so-called professionals backpedaling on the strategies that they've executed (or in this case, failed to) is them playing the "that depends on the definition of is" games about the statements previously made with regard to these failures.  It not only doesn't rise to the level of responsibility that's goes with the authority granted their positions, but it dishonors the memory of those who gave their lives as a result of them.

October Terror Alert: DEBATE

October has begun, and while some look forward to putting on decorative costumes and begging for treats at the end of the month, others (far more insidious) are already attempting to disguise themselves as best they can in more traditional attire, while begging instead for votes.  With the big game in the election cycle but a month away and playoff contests long since begun, it's of little surprise that the Department of Just Blowing Security has slid another of their Cheetos-stained notifications from under the door of the DJBSS Command Center.  (They of course must deliver their communiques in such a fashion since we keep the door to this attic room locked at all times ... for their protection as well as ours.)

It's in fact about the potential damage of these purported playoff contests that the DJBSS is attempting to warn us about.  They are talking about of course, about the bombastic battles of political doublespeak known in common parlance these days as a DEBATE.  These current contests of cognitive thought however, should not be confused with historical bouts of magniloquent grandeur like those of the Lincoln / Douglas debates of the late 1850's where issues of sweeping import were contended by articulate statesmen and triumph was achieved by making successful argument based on fact and reasoned opinion; but far more like the Kennedy / Nixon debate of 1960, where manipulation of the thermostat, good lighting, and bad makeup carried far greater impact in the election that followed than the arguments being made by the two candidates that night.

The very term itself seems to carry a far different meaning these days than that of the classical form, standing now for Dialectic Exercise Blocking Any Thought or Elucidation of issues.  This process, once designed for reasoned discussion, clarification of political issues, and divining a candidate's beliefs and positions has instead become bastardized into one of carefully staged posturing and professionally written obfuscation. Where once the incontestability of the facts in an argument carried the day, such events are now instead a mainstream media event in which candidate arguments are limited to less time than that required for the average bowel movement, and where the only winners are the media themselves.  Where once winners and losers were decided by the logic of their assertions, reasoned argument, and facts used in support of them, we are presented instead with degraded attempts at a series of 'zingers' and 'clever sound bites' that will be endlessly repeated in paid candidate commercials ... not because of their truth, but because 'they're catchy and are easy to remember'.

Limited attendance at such events will probably not have a adverse impact on a person's ability to reason out future decisions logically, but prolonged exposure to these displays of bad manners and even worse behavior can have deleterious effects on the minds of those who expect to exercise their electoral rights and responsibilities.  Attempts to make voting decisions on candidates or issues based on what has become little more than the indecent exposure of public natural fertilizer production can in fact cause .... well, the kind of government that we live with far too often today.

If for some reason, you begin to suffer from depression incurred by attending such toxic events, or feel an indecisiveness that makes you believe that you may have already been over-exposed to this year's political DEBATE process, feel free to contact the DJBSS at 1-800-RAT-BUTT.  While personal ignorance of the dangers is no excuse and will engender little sympathy in those on the phone banks (meaning that they probably won't give a rat's ass about your particular exhibition of poor judgment).  If however, you can catch these normally cranky bastards in a good mood, they might at least recommend a number of products of the brewer's, winemaker's, or distiller's art that have in fact served as a prophylactic measure prior to such exposure, and as a medicinal treatment to minimize the most painful symptoms if taken during or after such encounters. 

They might also let you know that if for some reason the intake of these organic compounds fails to immediately minimize outward manifestations of intellectual infection, continued treatment using various forms of these chemical hydroxyls should be continued until either the evidence of your symptoms begin to dissipate or you realize that you no longer care that you have them.  Successful treatment can normally be recognized when the pronouncements of those participating in such vocal violations of decency are no longer considered inspiring or offensive, but instead only tedious and mildly amusing.

Since this is a Presidential election year, it's expected that such deplorable and disgusting behavior will be going on at the local, state, and national level on a rather grand scale and for most of the month.  The terror threat for October has therefore been raised to brown; the color of the massive quantities of bullshit that will no doubt be produced as part of their efforts.


      

When Pigs Fly

Sometimes our government does things so incredibly out there that it makes you realize that literally no one can make this stuff up.  (Well you could, but it would be a lot of hard work and still probably not be as funny.)  So laugh if you will, but if the Department of Transportation gets their way with a recent guidelines update, it may soon be easier for Pigs to fly than for most of the rest of us.  And they will not be the only members of the animal kingdom that might be taking to the skies.

According to the "Nondiscrimination on the Basis of Disability in Air Travel:  Draft Technical Assistance Manual", airlines will be 'helped to comply' (you know, forced by the government under penalty and fine) to allow not only such animals as the pot-bellied version of swine (the pot-bellied human version having been allowed for many years already), but dogs, miniature horses, and monkeys to be allowed in the cabin as service animals to see to the needs of those considered by such regulations to be disabled. 

In these recently released 'regulation updates' (regulations which total some 200 pages) that I spotted in a Fox News piece by Todd Starnes, service animals used by a passenger with an accepted disability must be allowed to accompany such a passenger into the cabin and remain there so long as it doesn't obstruct an aisle.  If space isn't available, the airline is required to speak to passengers (asking them to switch seats if necessary) until the animal is accommodated. 

We all know what a pain in the ass it is these days to go through the rather onerous and time consuming process of security checks and luggage restrictions that passengers must go through in order to get aboard an airplane these days.  The entire system has become such a morass of examination, regulation, and intimidation that many of us simply choose to fly only when no realistic alternative presents itself.  One can only speculate therefore, on what new terminal adventures await the air traveler when sharing the security lines with 'Arnold the Pig', 'Bonzo the Chimp', or a miniature version of of 'Trigger the Wonder Horse'.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm all in favor of those with Special Needs getting a helping hand in enjoying life to the fullest through traveling by air.  Why should we, who require no more special assistance in flying than detailed instructions on how to operate a seat belt, breathe into an oxygen mask if one drops in front of your face, or grab a seat cushion as a flotation device in the unlikely event that your plane attempts a 'water landing' (you know, does a really awful job of trying to imitate a boat) be the only ones willingly to subject ourselves to the gulag-style treatment afforded us by the TSA and the simmering hostility of many current airline employees? (Not that we don't deserve it.) 

Besides, I can't wait to find out what the TSA pat down procedures are going to be for this Noah's Ark of personal assistants.  I'm also looking forward to some vocal and over-the-top demonstrations by members of PETA; not for the use of service animals as personal servants for the disabled (which may be a line that even they will not cross), but for subjecting these 'animals are people too' to the abusive practices of the Mall cops of the TSA.  In fact, if one were to take this to its illogical extreme (a duty for which I am particularly well-suited); one could ask what the ramifications would be if TSA's procedures were to be considered inhumane in the eyes of PETA or the ASPCA (let alone the Humane Society), since they were originally developed for use on humans.

I'm also curious to see how airlines will deal with animal allergy issues that are bound to come up.  Having long ago retreated in the face of the peanut threat, how will they now deal with the potential of their recirculated air carrying animal dander to passengers who may be hypersensitive to such exposure?  How will such sensitivities be determined before boarding, and will the person with the disability (along with the offending service animal) be required to relinquish their seat(s) or will the one with the allergy (which could also be considered a disability) be required to deplane? 

Additionally, what about phobias?  It's not that I personally have any fears in regards to miniature horses or monkeys flying (except of course, for the horrible ones in "The Wizard of Oz"); but then again, I've never been trapped in an airplane at 30,000 feet with a 'My Little Pony' that's got a case of the gallops or a 'Curious George' getting just a bit too curious where I'm concerned.  Will flight attendants be required to learn the additional skills of roping and tying for our four-legged friends, or proper restraint techniques for our simian cousins?

And as for the potential terrorist threat, there's no telling where those who believe that the soles of shoes and underwear are OK places to hide explosives will be able to make of these new regulations.  While I believe that religious proscription will probably maintain the safety of pot-bellied bacon bearers, the rest of the animal kingdom could well come under serious threat as they are added to the list of potential and unknowingly suicidal explosive devices.

Now lest anyone think that the DOT has completely lost its frigging mind, they have at least placed some limitations on service animals, and are allowed to reject some species on these Greyhounds of the air (the buses, not the dogs).  Animals coming into question include, but are not limited to:  "ferrets, rodents, spiders, snakes, and other reptiles" (though with multiple ocular opportunities, certainly a 'seeing eye spider' makes a creepy sort of sense).  It does however beg the question:   

If snakes can be banned, and with them ferrets (a member of the weasel family); will the promotion of these new guidelines cause members of Congress to be banned from returning to their districts by air, even as service animals?

(Hey wait a minute!  I have been confronted for years by my employer with responses for raises that I would see my next one when pigs fly.  It sounds to me like it may well be time to step up and ask for that well-deserved salary increase.)

June Terror Alert: DADS

June is already fast upon us, and while the heat of summer begins to climb, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) continues in its tireless efforts to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Though personally I think they're happy to stay locked in their Command Center since we had a new air conditioning unit installed last week.)   And while they continue to be given little in the way of credit for what many consider to be nonsensical labors at best (and even less in terms of financial remuneration), most concede that their efforts have thus far proven as effective, if not more, as threat protection for this nation than their TSA 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country.

The threat assessment slipped out from under the locked door of their Command Center today (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours) is indeed a serious one, and not particularly surprising if you remember that for May. While I was hoping that any danger recognized by the DJBSS would hold off at least long enough for me to celebrate my Irish Twin's birthday; it was obvious once I had read the Cheetos-stained Post-it note that proper notification of the general public was essential.  In fact, with Father's Day just a week away their effort is a particularly timely one indeed, warning of the annual appearance of a rather despicable group of ne'er do wells ... DADS.  

Obviously we're not talking about the wise and loving male progenitors that we've long come to know from TV's "Father Knows Best" or "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" (Did anyone else ever wonder about the ramifications of  Eddie's father also being the Hulk?), nor can we really be said to be speaking about the equally loving but far more sarcastic versions typified in "The Cosby Show" or even "Home Improvement".  In fact these reproductive reprobates may be the only people on the planet with less or worse parenting skills that the Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen characters on the original "Two and a Half Men".  

Disinterested Adolescent sperm Donors Society are in fact members a group of malicious malefactors almost as amazing as they are detestable.  One is never certain whether to be more  astonished in the proof that they possess the required hardware necessary for the reproductive act to be consummated, or appalled that they've somehow they've convinced a member of what's usually the more intelligent gender of the species to participate in any act that might result in offspring. 

Often calling their erstwhile partners "baby mommas", they seem as concerned about the results of sharing their seed with these unfortunate females as they would in sharing the flu.  (Not surprising, exposure to these "baby daddies" can result in flu-like symptoms for those involved that include: a light fever, general nausea, upset stomach, vomiting, and diarrhea.)  No one knows what dangers long-term exposure to these double-dealing frauds might result in, as they seldom remain around long enough with the woman in question to provide the option for study.

While these DADS call themselves adolescents, they in fact come in all ages, with the descriptive term having apparently more to do with their inability to grow up and take adult (let alone parental) responsibility for their procreative activities.  And while many feel that DADS cannot be counted on for anything, the facts show that they can usually be counted on to contribute little of nothing in the way of financial support or to participate little if at all in the raising of their often scattered offspring.

Perhaps the only positive that they contribute to posterity is through their standard practice of abandonment, which provides the best hope that none of these traits will be passed on to their male descendants.  Raised in single mother homes (often with the support of other family members) or as part of a later amorous relationship on the part of the mother, the best hope of these children is that the contributor of half of their genetic code will remain long forgotten.   

DADS can be easily identified by:

*  An ego greater than would be expected based on their appearance or intelligence
*  An inflated belief in their sexual prowess
*  An expensive wardrobe or car (usually purchased with money they refused to spend on the support of their offspring)
*  A reticence to speak about family, especially with regards to children
*  A tendency to denigrate the women with which they were in previous relationships with  
*  The number of phone calls they receive from irate women at all hours of the day and night

Since DADS are not so much of a threat as they are a scourge and a taint on the principles of respectable fatherhood, the terror threat for June will therefore only be raised to Yellow.  The DJBSS wanted to use Brown to properly call out these shits (not to be confused with SHITS), but instead settled on the only color which properly describes the cowardice exhibited by these bastards (pun intended) with respect to their parental responsibilities.

TFP Column: Defining Collateral Damage

While listening to stories about the use of armed drones to attack alleged terrorists (thing time in Yemen), I was struck again by how much of war has become a strategy of 'push button' tactics.  In WWII it was people miles in the sky in airplanes doing the pushing, now it people often hundreds or thousands of miles away pushing the buttons on the airplanes.

While all of this button pushing is going on and targets are being taken out, there are regrettably those that are killed with the target simply as collateral damage.  But they're not the only incidnental results of such strategy.

It's this that I attempt to look at in this week's TFP effort "Defining Collateral Damage", which looks not only at what occurs in foreign lands, but that which occurs in this country as the result of such strategies.

While we're at it you might want to make sure to do a little collateral damage yourself by catching up with everything going on in Toledo and NW Ohio (it is Mother's Day weekend, after all) by reading Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and Ohio's best weekly newspaper for the third year in a row, the Toledo Free Press.

May Terror Alert: MOTHERS

May is hard upon us, and while many look forward to the relaxation of these warmer months, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) continues in its tireless efforts to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Though it appears that they are currently only tireless because they ran out of decaf and had to use the real stuff while making the copious quantities of Irish coffee they continuously consume.)   And while they have been given little in the way of credit for what some consider to be their nonsensical labors (and even less in terms of financial remuneration), it must at least be conceded that their efforts have thus far proven more effective as threat protection for this nation than their TSA 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country.

The threat assessment slipped out from under the locked door of their Command Center today (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours) is indeed a serious one, in spite of the fact that it appears to be covered in Cheetos crumbs (they have recently insisted on the 'Flamin' Hot' ones). In fact they are warning us just in time of the impending once a year appearance of a particularly insidious group of miscreants ... MOTHERS. 

Do not be deceived into believing that they are for one moment talking about those wonderful female progenitors who served tirelessly, wiping our butts as babies, our noses and foreheads as children each and every time that illness beset us, and our tears to this very day as life's trials and tribulations attempt to overcome us.  This group is in fact the antithesis of their venerable namesake: Malicious and Obnoxious Troublemakers who Hate Everything Regarding maternal Sentiment.  

Rumor has it that many of the members of this particularly evil little bunch ne'er-do-wells in fact never had mothers of their own and that they were in fact created in a under-funded government research project, performed at a long since de-certified junior college.  (Some hint that it wasn't a junior college at all, but in fact 'The Wanda Trossler School of Beauty'.)  If the bulk of these rumors are in fact correct, their mothers were apparently little more than dirty test tubes manufactured in a factory built on a toxic waste site in China (allegedly right next to where the current I Pad factory is today).  The government of course vehemently denies these claims, stating firmly and for the record that: "There has never been any such thing as a under-funded government research project."

Showing the twisted Jealousy one might expect for those around them not produced as part of yet another of these failed experiments (a project allegedly called 'It Takes A Village'), and provided with years of the kind of efficient mothering that only 24 hour per day government assistance could provide, they have now dedicated their very existence to a program designed to denigrate that which they will never know in methods so twisted that even Stephen King hasn't thought of them (yet).

Of course you've all seen them out there over the years.  They're the ones who always insisted on jumping off the bridge, just because everyone else did.  They're the ones who always put their elbows on the table, stubbornly refused to drink their milk (or Ovaltine or Tang for that matter) and who scoffed at claims that starving children around the world would gladly eat the vegetables that they had turned their noses up at.

They're also the ones, by the way, who spend far too much time these days on the late afternoon talk shows, decrying the role of motherhood as something only fit for women unable or unwilling to pursue a more satisfying professional career (mostly because, male or female, they are those least likely to find someone willing to participate in reproductive behavior with).  They are also those whose career in fact seems to involve writing scripts for what are considered 'hip' sitcoms about women who look down their noses at those they consider 'chained by the bonds of parenthood'.

May is normally the peak period of their perfidious activity, being the month in which a holiday exists in celebration of that which they fear and detest most.  Castigating the day of reverence for this most challenging of responsibilities as nothing more than a 'Hallmark Holiday', they can sometimes be found performing curiously contradictory observances.  While acknowledging the existence of the festival, they will undoubtedly seek to glorify the capitalistic perversions of it; attempting to demean its festivities as simply a day to get a great price on a mattress or a set of tires.    

MOTHERS can be recognized fairly easily in public.  Depending on their apparel, they can clearly picked out by scars on elbows and knees that were neither correctly bandaged, nor properly disinfected by a kiss.  If their limbs are covered, they'll be the ones who haven't washed behind their ears.  Unfortunately for those keeping their company, they're also the ones who don't wash their hands before dinner or after they've gone to the bathroom (which paints a particularly disgusting picture if they've done the latter just prior to the former).  Their hair is usually uncombed, their teeth unbrushed, and their faces are unscrubbed.  

Owing to the sheer volume of their nefarious activities over the next week, the DJBSS hotline will be open 24 hours a day until after Mother's Day.  While the call volume at 1-800-RAT-BUTT can likewise expected to be high and some delays are inevitable, please remain on the line and all relevant information regarding their evil enterprises will be taken down for future reprisal.

Because of the particularly disgusting nature of their transgressions (and personal habits) the Terror Threat is being raised to a particularly dirty shade of Gray.

The Cost of Victory

On the first anniversary of the day that Usama bin Laden was killed, the President made a surprise trip to Afghanistan where he signed a historic treaty with that nation. Please note that this was an agreement and not a 'treaty', in spite of the fact that as that "defines a new kind of relationship between our nations" (according to the Fox News transcript).  Now normally such an Agreement between nations would have required Senate approval before having any legal meaning, but let's set that aside to consider the subject at hand.  

From Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan, the President spoke both to the troops assembled, to the world at large, and just as prime in the US began; saying that, "The goal that I set – to defeat Al Qaeda, and deny it a chance to rebuild – is within reach." 

He went on to say, "In coordination with the Afghan government, my Administration has been in direct discussions with the Taliban. We have made it clear that they can be a part of this future if they break with Al Qaeda, renounce violence, and abide by Afghan laws. Many members of the Taliban – from foot soldiers to leaders – have indicated an interest in reconciliation. A path to peace is now set before them."  

And continued later with, "The Iraq War is over. The number of our troops in harm’s way has been cut in half, and more will be coming home soon. We have a clear path to fulfill our mission in Afghanistan, while delivering justice to Al Qaeda."

If in fact all of this is an honest assessment of the world situation in the fight against Terrorism (and I am willing to concede, at least for the sake of argument, that the President is better informed on such things than I am), then this means that for all intents and purposes, the War on Terror is all but over.  

While I have been thus far willing to concede points, my concession speech is now over, and I must say that all of this one gives me pause for doubts.  Nevertheless, if we are to believe that this is true and not just a political stunt pulled in an election year to win votes (a practice which all first term Presidents are certainly capable of), I for one have a few questions for this Administration:

• Why are we still permitting the draconian (and mostly failed) procedures and methods of the TSA to provide what passes for Airport Security in this nation?  If tensions are in fact easing, why are we still doing pat downs on 80 year-old women in wheel chairs, aggressive pat downs of seven year-old girls with cerebral palsy, and four year-old girls who run to their grandmothers?  Don't these practices contradict the statements being made on the international stage?
• Why do we need the recently passed National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), which suspends the right of habeus corpus (something of questionable Constitutional authority which has only been done previously during periods of war), and permits the government to indefinitely detain suspects without charges or trial, even if they are American citizens?  The president himself stated that he was reluctant to sign the bill in the first place.  Why then can't we see one of those famous 'executive orders' rescinding the Constitutionally questionable portions of legislation which shouldn't have been passed in the first place?
• Why must we continue to cede to the government the use of National Security Letters, which permit the FBI to do wire taps, searches of telephone and financial records, and email history without a court order, through the renewed provisions of The Patriot Act passed just under a year ago?  If this battle is winding down, surely this nation no longer requires the extreme and again Constitutionally questionable practices ceding the basic rights of its citizens guaranteed in the Bill of Rights to the government
• Why are we still discussing the deployment of unmanned (and at least according to the government unarmed) drones to perform what must in light of these changing circumstances, be considered little more than an unnecessary bit of 'routine surveillance' of the civilian population in this country?  If tensions are in fact easing, surely we don't need Big Brother watching over us quite so closely (and probably illegally) any longer?

The cynic in me cries out at the curious coincidence of timing in such an announcement so close to the November elections (like Leroy Jethro Gibbs, I don't believe in coincidence).  Certainly we expect there to be the usual amount of grandstanding, selective fact recognition, and creative story telling this time of year. The safety of this nation is not a game to be played or something to be trifled with for the sake of two, four, or six more years (depending on which office you're running for); and woe betide the politicians who attempt to play fast and loose in doing so. 

The political pundit in me is likewise suspicious of events which turn the public's attention away from critical domestic issues and towards the nonsense of a non-treaty treaty; one which in turn will be followed by another non-treaty treaty that will come later in Chicago. Such events often prove to be media events staged more for political ends than real agreements of regional peace; especially in an area that has not seen such a thing for thousands of years.

We knew going into the War on Terror that the price of failure would be a heavy one indeed, both in terms of the potential loss of life and that of damage to this nation.  The lesson of 9/11 taught both of those lessons to us the hard way. We knew going to war in Iraq and Afghanistan would likewise take their toll on this nation in lives and treasure, and we were not wrong.  We may have some idea of the financial burden we incurred, but it will be many decades before we learn what the real human cost of these conflicts are in the shattered lives and shattered families that we are only now beginning to count.

What none of us forecast over ten years ago however, is what the 'Cost of Victory' would be.  Oh sure, we recognized that putting this country on a domestic war footing with an enemy that was more than willing to bring the battle to our soil was going to have a financial cost; most of it in terms of bureaucracy created to deal with this new world we were confronted with.  Few if any however, recognized the price that we would be paying in personal freedom; or in the aggressive power-seeking mentality that we were creating in government.  Few indeed foresaw the runaway train of government growth, fed by a mind-set that was apparently perfectly willing to sacrifice the liberty that's at the foundation of this country for a illusory security that never existed before and never will.

I sometimes fear that the cost of this victory has already been a far greater one than we ever realized, and one that we may not be prepared to bear in the years ahead.

 

April Terror Alert: RABBITS

As March ends and April begins, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) is once again working tirelessly to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Well kind of, anyway ...)  So maybe tirelessly is too strong a word, but even I admit that they're able to do a pretty fair job now that we've finally sobered them up from their St Patrick's Day activities, performed a cursory cleaning of their headquarters while they were out celebrating, and replaced the empty jumbo-sized bags of Cheetos scattered about the attic that we keep them locked in with full ones.  

And while they have been given little in the way of credit for their labors and are often held in relatively low esteem (even by me), it must be admitted that their efforts have proven far more effective in threat protection for this nation than their 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country, better known as the TSA. 

It is therefore no surprise that the DJBSS has once again slipped a notification and threat assessment out from under the door of their command center (OK, attic) with barely a week for the nation to take appropriate precautions.  I am of course speaking of an imminent Easter holiday threat ... RABBITS.  And believe me when I tell you that we aren't talking about cute little fuzzy creatures who make their way from place to place with a curiously amusing (and rather charming) little hopping gate, but about an organization of criminals and thieves who will stop at almost nothing in perpetrating their heinous and addictive path of petty pilferage upon a sacred rite of spring (though now that I think about it, I suppose they could hop about as well if they wanted to).

Now for those of you who have never heard of this nefarious organization, they are a particularly disgusting bunch of evildoers whose members not only commit depredations on the innocent youth of this nation during the Easter holiday, but are evidently also doomed to pass their seemingly their cursed existence and insufferably immature behavior from one generation to the next.  I am of course speaking of the Ravenous Bunny Butchers Ingesting Tasty and Sugary treats.  In a maniacally clever bit of misdirection, they've even managed to mostly allay fears of the general public regarding their demented and disgusting onslaughts on seasonal confections most in danger by taking the very name of the cute little creature that this holiday is most closely associated with ... the Easter Bunny. 

Here at "Just Blowing Smoke" we recognize that Easter is also a important religious holiday for many of you out there.  After many years of research however, even the lexicographers at the "Stuck On Stupid Dictionary" have been unable to come up with a relationship between those serious religious aspects, a rabbit, a basket, chocolate, boiled eggs, marshmallow baby chickens, or jellybeans that they are willing to share ... even with the editorial staff.  This is probably just as well, since doing so would probably break up the rhythm of the narrative and have nothing to do with the ridiculous point attempting to be made here (much like this interruption has already done). 

While you may never have heard them called out by name, I'm sure that all of you reading this have at one time or another suffered from their dastardly and diabolical attacks on Easter baskets during your youth.  Curiously, the psychotic membership of this candy cabal of reprehensible reprobates is mostly restricted to those of adult age (and with an obvious lack of adult self-control) who have offspring.  There's even limited evidence, obtained from rather suspect government-funded studies, that indicate that these RABBITS in fact commit most if not all of their disgusting acts of domestic terrorism (if not outright child abuse) under the very roofs they live. 

These lightning swift attacks have been perpetrated on the spring treat receptacles across the nation for decades, and membership activities appear to have no respect for age, income, or ethic origin.  Recognizing the evidence of these atrocious acts of domestic dessert assault are easy, and they are often characterized by Easter Baskets suffering from the following depredations:

*  Missing ears from chocolate Rabbits (usually with the appearance of having been ... dare I say it ... bitten off).
*  Curiously insignificant numbers of malted milk eggs
*  Suspiciously empty Reece's Easter Egg packages 
*  Trifling and grossly insufficient numbers of Marshmallow "Peeps", including some that almost appear to have been 'gnawed upon'
* Smeared, and therefore all but unreadable chocolate colored fingerprints on hallways and door frames
*  Trails of jelly beans leading to available habitation exits (or in some cases, the master bedroom)

Members of RABBITS can normally be easily identified by their "shit eating grin", often made all the more apparent by the smeared ring of chocolate found around their disgusting pie holes (and sometimes the back of one wrist), visible in spite of (or because of) their misguided and miserable attempts to wipe the evidence away.By the time that they can normally be properly identified however, their awful acts of intentional ingestion have already unfortunately been committed.  

You can of course, feel free to contact the DJBSS at 1-800-RATBUTT to report the iniquitous activities of these RABBITS; and I promise you that their names and likenesses will in turn be turned over to the Department of Homeland Security for possible further prosecution (Sorry, but it's a settlement that we've reached with the government for all the abuse that we've heaped upon the TSA).  Please remind the person answering the phone to wipe the chocolate and yellow marshmallow off of the receiver before replacing it back on the cradle.  (It makes the phones so sticky!)

In order to highlight the despicable deeds of these confectionery criminals, the DJBSS is raising the terror threat (as you might have already guessed) to PINK, in honor of those cute little eyes on the real Easter Bunny.