Christmas Eve Terror Alert

I was doing a bit of cleaning up the Command Center for the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security after the recent and rather abrupt departure of the staff.  Apparently these authorities on uncovering secret information finally discovered that their jobs were no longer necessary only three days after I told them so (for the third time).  This Manatee Team of faux covert operations (SEAL was obviously already taken and Manatee fit the staff paradigm more accurately) had an extraction zone pre-arranged, and hung around just long enough to insure that there was 'no bottle left behind'.  What they did leave behind however, was one Cheetos-stained dispatch, apparently forgotten in their hasty departure. 

Now while I thought about not bothering to pass it on, since what follows looks to be far from a complete list; I do so in the spirit of the Holidays, recognizing that perhaps by posting their final effort (and as our politicians are oh so fond of saying),  

"If just one life is saved…."

Egg Nog: Let’s face it folks, considering the cholesterol and calories contained in the full strength version of this beverage, you might as well slather it on like sunscreen rather than drink it. Not only will you save yourself from the ire of the nation's health care providers, but I understand that it serves as an effective SPF-125 sunscreen and does wonders for the complexion. While there are myths that some of the harmful effects of Nog can be somewhat mitigated by thinning it with alcohol (dark rum is a personal favorite), there is nothing but anecdotal evidence to support such claims. (On the other hand, having partaken of it in this fashion, it's unlikely that calories or any other of its deleterious effects will any longer concern you.)

 

Fruit Cake: In spite of the bad wrap that this holiday treat has received over the years, the truth of the matter is that it poses little health risk to most of the population; and can in fact be used beneficially. It’s not the fruit of which it’s 'allegedly' comprised or the way in which it's prepared that makes it healthy; but the fact that it’s so often prepared improperly that it's all but toxic except when consumed in very small portions (even by government standards).  Additional benefits include its use as an emergency escape tool to break car windows in the event of a holiday automotive accident and as a substitute for a truncheon or throwing weapon to drive guests away from other tastier and potentially more deadly treats at the holiday table. 

 

Cookies: These tasty little confections, while around all year in some form, put on their ‘party best’ for the holiday season. Dressed in clever shapes, hued in artificial colorings, and of course clothed sprinkles and glitter (probably manufactured by Exxon), these dietary landmines are camouflaged in a variety of holiday masquerades.  These bakery booby-traps in fact contain most of the major food groups: sugar, chocolate, useless carbs, and unpronounceable chemicals.  (If someone could get red meat or bacon onto them, they'd be perfect.)  Vowing to abstain from future consumption of them and to exercise off the calories gained from them are among the top five of resolutions for each New Year.

 

Cheese: For some reason, cheese has long found a place at our holiday tables, often in rather bizarre forms. Sure you can go with the snooty specialty and European cheeses if what you’re looking for is something in the way of flavor, but the natural ingredients found in such products can expose the consumer to greater risk (including becoming un-American). The true American tradition is much more likely to be defined by cheese balls, cheese logs, and the ever-popular “Cheese Whiz”. As most of us know, the more processed such cheese is, the better it is for you; with the piston cans of "Easy Cheese" being the most healthy of all (since they contain the least cheese). There is nothing like emulsifiers or carrageenan to bring real cheese texture to a dish and nothing like citric acid when it comes to real cheese flavor. While we're at it, let’s not forget all of the wonderful processed products contained in most of the crackers we put this on, leading to an opportunity to add insult to injury (literally and figuratively).

Cocktail Weenies:  No one really knows what animals these tasty little treats come from, let alone what parts of those animals might be involved; and quite frankly (pun intended) no one wants to know.  This ostensible meat product however has become a holiday favorite over the years.  This probably has something to do with fact that it can be served in so many ways.  Drowned in equally toxic sauce and cooked so long that the surrounding liquid congeals to the consistency of paste, or wrapped in a variety of equally mysterious (and probably unhealthy) substances and baked, it can be served as a blue collar staple by the scoop or daintily displayed on the finest upper crust serving-ware  by impaling it upon toothpicks with colorful frills at one end.  Do not be distracted by its innocent appearance however (and be careful to apply the untasseled part of the toothpick to the weenie).  Not only is there little or no actual food value in this diminutive dog, but recent government funded studies have found it to be little more than a gateway food to dependency on its larger brethren:  the Hot Dog, the Brat and Andouille sausage.

Alcohol: The health dangers of exposure to alcohol come in many forms, ranging from what are largely the stealth efforts of rum balls and the aforementioned Egg Nog to the traditional holiday cocktails (like rum punch), and ending with the indulgence in every form of fermented and distilled beverages known to mankind. Let me state for the record that at DJBSS, we approve heartily in such indulgences.  Not only do recent studies continue to show the positive health effects of moderate consumption of such beverages, but with the year all but at its end, it’s probably long past time that as survivors, we celebrated its successful conclusion. 

Overindulgence carries significant long-term health risks however, usually from one’s spouse. The immature, impolite, and downright stupid behavior committed while under the influence of ‘that demon rum’ will no more likely be forgiven in the spirit of the holiday than they would otherwise. The damage can be significant and reputation rehabilitation process can be a long and painful one.

It should also be noted under this section, that driving while intoxicated can be additionally be damaging and expensive. Not only do you risk spending some or all of your holiday in jail and thereby ruining the occasion for the whole family; but the economic and employment repercussions can be devastating for subsequent year’s holiday celebrations.

While Santa is the spirit of the holiday season in many households, there's no reason to attempt to equal his girth as well as his good cheer.  So by all means enjoy your holidays and all the tasty treats of the season; but if for no other reason than the concerns of the DJBSS, please do so in moderation.

Terror Alert: IRS

In a rather rare showing of unasked for enterprise, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security has released a second terror alert during the month of May.  Upon reading the Cheetos-stained scrap of paper that was slipped out from beneath the locked door of their Command Center (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours),  I couldn't help but note the timely nature of their warning.  Well, not exactly timely, unless of course you measure timeliness based on when Congress finally gets off of their fat behinds and tries to do its job about something that everyone else has know about for over a year; but I just figured that like the President, they just finally got around to reading about the issue in the papers.

I guessing that by now some of you may have already figured out what's coming here ... a special alert regarding a group of federal government bureaucrats who are making everyone in this country's life a living Hell.  No, I'm not talking about Department of Homeland Security or the Environmental Protection Agency (though Lord only knows I could be); but instead about pernicious pack of pencil pushers known as the IRS.  Surprisingly enough, this is not to be confused with the Internal Revenue Service (though they are certainly an organization made up of poisonous pond scum ...  Oh crap, now I'm going to get audited), but an even more corrupt crowd within the mindless minions of the unelected elite, the Insidious Reprisal Syndicate.

These deceitful bureaucratic bastards actually have their hooks into most of the federal bureaucracy, and are largely responsible for attacks on citizens in this country who refuse to lie down quietly and do what they are told when instructed by those far wiser than they in government service tell them to.  Drain a mosquito-infested pond to protect you children from blood-sucking parasites (no, not the Internal Revenue Service again) spreading disease and they will be the ones taking you to court to make you refill (and restock) it.  Turn a parking lot into a green space (or vice versa) and they will contact you to perform a site restoration.  Attempt to move jobs to another state (let alone country) in order to provide lower costs goods and services to the public and they will work their will to prevent it.  Seek to create jobs in any state in this country, and they will be the ones reprimanding you over violation of arcane regulations in the massive document known as the Federal Register that prevent you from doing so.  And of course, try to start a tax-exempt group to teach the Constitution written to define and limit the government to a nation that has mostly long since forgotten it and a bureaucracy which simply seeks to ignore it, and they will be there to stall the paperwork.

What's amazing in this particular alert is that the government has already somehow managed to correctly identify the perpetrators in the Internal Revenue Service in this case, as low level employees in the bureaucratic maze who acted in such a horrifying fashion without instruction from management, without written guidelines (in triplicate) to follow, and without the knowledge of managers at any level in their respective bureaucracy.  We know this of course, because no one certainly at the managerial level, the senior staff level, or certainly not at the cabinet level itself, would allow such a blatant violation of the First Amendment, nor an obvious politicizing of the bureaucratic process to knowingly occur ... let alone condone it.  (Sarcasm, you decide.)  In fact, this secret society of depraved drones has once again so successfully managed to work their evil will on Conservative groups, that their efforts have mostly escaped current Congressional inquiry, testimony before Congress by the acting Internal Revenue Service Director (acting in fact, seems to have multiple meaning where this job is concerned), and an internal Inspector General audit (which was only able to conclude that no government funds were misused any more than normal by the departmental employees committing these egregious acts).

Not surprisingly, the DJBSS was unable to provide any identifying characteristics for members of the IRS, which of course is exactly the point of their existence.  Outwardly they are just as inconsiderate, smug, and unproductive as any other nameless, faceless bureaucratic drone, so they are well able hide amongst other innocently bungling brethren at will.  They seldom achieve (by choice) either notoriety or guilt.  Having burned off their fingerprints as part of a particularly gruesome initiation ritual, they never leave evidence behind.  Their particularly destructive actions however, eventually come to light.  (Some say that this is on purpose, and acts as a sort of 'Kilroy Was Here' signature for them.)  Like a rotting corpse, at some point the sickening smell of their misdeeds gives them away.  Strangely however,  their transgressions seldom lead to  anything beyond a few weeks of newspaper headlines and a string of meaningless Congressional investigations that allow the Committee Chairman and a few other members to grab some posturing, camera time, and cheap headlines in the political lull before seeking campaign contributions for their next re-election bid.

Because of the particularly bloody trail that these vile, villainous vandals leave in their wake (sorry, I was having a "V is for Vendetta" moment), the DJBSS is raising the terror threat for the couple of days until the inconsequential hearings in Washington can resume to RED.
        

     

October Terror Alert: DEBATE

October has begun, and while some look forward to putting on decorative costumes and begging for treats at the end of the month, others (far more insidious) are already attempting to disguise themselves as best they can in more traditional attire, while begging instead for votes.  With the big game in the election cycle but a month away and playoff contests long since begun, it's of little surprise that the Department of Just Blowing Security has slid another of their Cheetos-stained notifications from under the door of the DJBSS Command Center.  (They of course must deliver their communiques in such a fashion since we keep the door to this attic room locked at all times ... for their protection as well as ours.)

It's in fact about the potential damage of these purported playoff contests that the DJBSS is attempting to warn us about.  They are talking about of course, about the bombastic battles of political doublespeak known in common parlance these days as a DEBATE.  These current contests of cognitive thought however, should not be confused with historical bouts of magniloquent grandeur like those of the Lincoln / Douglas debates of the late 1850's where issues of sweeping import were contended by articulate statesmen and triumph was achieved by making successful argument based on fact and reasoned opinion; but far more like the Kennedy / Nixon debate of 1960, where manipulation of the thermostat, good lighting, and bad makeup carried far greater impact in the election that followed than the arguments being made by the two candidates that night.

The very term itself seems to carry a far different meaning these days than that of the classical form, standing now for Dialectic Exercise Blocking Any Thought or Elucidation of issues.  This process, once designed for reasoned discussion, clarification of political issues, and divining a candidate's beliefs and positions has instead become bastardized into one of carefully staged posturing and professionally written obfuscation. Where once the incontestability of the facts in an argument carried the day, such events are now instead a mainstream media event in which candidate arguments are limited to less time than that required for the average bowel movement, and where the only winners are the media themselves.  Where once winners and losers were decided by the logic of their assertions, reasoned argument, and facts used in support of them, we are presented instead with degraded attempts at a series of 'zingers' and 'clever sound bites' that will be endlessly repeated in paid candidate commercials ... not because of their truth, but because 'they're catchy and are easy to remember'.

Limited attendance at such events will probably not have a adverse impact on a person's ability to reason out future decisions logically, but prolonged exposure to these displays of bad manners and even worse behavior can have deleterious effects on the minds of those who expect to exercise their electoral rights and responsibilities.  Attempts to make voting decisions on candidates or issues based on what has become little more than the indecent exposure of public natural fertilizer production can in fact cause .... well, the kind of government that we live with far too often today.

If for some reason, you begin to suffer from depression incurred by attending such toxic events, or feel an indecisiveness that makes you believe that you may have already been over-exposed to this year's political DEBATE process, feel free to contact the DJBSS at 1-800-RAT-BUTT.  While personal ignorance of the dangers is no excuse and will engender little sympathy in those on the phone banks (meaning that they probably won't give a rat's ass about your particular exhibition of poor judgment).  If however, you can catch these normally cranky bastards in a good mood, they might at least recommend a number of products of the brewer's, winemaker's, or distiller's art that have in fact served as a prophylactic measure prior to such exposure, and as a medicinal treatment to minimize the most painful symptoms if taken during or after such encounters. 

They might also let you know that if for some reason the intake of these organic compounds fails to immediately minimize outward manifestations of intellectual infection, continued treatment using various forms of these chemical hydroxyls should be continued until either the evidence of your symptoms begin to dissipate or you realize that you no longer care that you have them.  Successful treatment can normally be recognized when the pronouncements of those participating in such vocal violations of decency are no longer considered inspiring or offensive, but instead only tedious and mildly amusing.

Since this is a Presidential election year, it's expected that such deplorable and disgusting behavior will be going on at the local, state, and national level on a rather grand scale and for most of the month.  The terror threat for October has therefore been raised to brown; the color of the massive quantities of bullshit that will no doubt be produced as part of their efforts.


      

August Terror Alert (Not): RAIN

August is more than half over, and while the heat of summer keeps most of us here at a high simmer, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) continues in its tireless efforts to root out potential threats in this nation. (Though personally I think they're happy to stay locked in their Command Center as long as the air conditioner works.)   And while they continue to be given little in the way of credit for what many consider to be nonsensical labors at best (and even less in terms of financial compensation); most concede that their ludicrous and largely ignored efforts have thus far proven as effective, if not more so, than threat protection provided for this nation by their TSA 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country.

The latest threat assessment slipped out from under the door of their Command Center (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours); can however only be considered a fraud perpetrated by the DJBSS as a payback for cutting their Cheetos rations this month (though they still managed to leave enough residue on the Post-It note they used for their dire pronouncement to prove they still have some left).   

The fact that local television weather fornicators have now joined them in describing this condition, one which must be considered so ridiculous or so dire that it could only be possible as the harbinger of the 'End of Days', should be considered as proof.  Oh we're not talking about earthquakes here.  (We have after all read about California, and our panic about such cataclysms only occurs when someone reminds us how close we live to the 'New Madrid Fault'.)  It likewise goes without saying that we're not talking about tornadoes.  (It's a twister, it's a twister! ... Sorry, I had an "Airplane" moment.)  This is Kansas after all, and such minor weather exhibitions are far too commonplace to draw attention.  

It's becoming increasingly apparent though, that the media acolytes of the weather gods here are talking now about something so extraordinary that I still have trouble even conceiving of it.  For those of you who still cannot understand the dire situation here, we are in fact talking about 'water falling from the sky'! Oh sure, water falls to the ground here all the time (it has something to do with gravity I think), but one could hardly expect less in the constant 100 degree plus temperatures that we've been experiencing and the inevitable perspiration falling from people to pavement (where usually begins to sizzle) or the occasional spilled glass of iced tea.  And yes, we do even have in-ground sprinkler systems attempting to keep local yards from attaining the color of the inside of a baby's diaper; but lately we've considered them as little more than auxiliary cooling systems to hydrate dogs long enough to add their contribution to the unending brown nature of the environment. 

I have it on good authority in fact, from no less an authority than the 'Flat Earth Society', that water comes from faucets and taps; and in rural areas, wells. It's therefore obvious that water comes from the ground and not from the sky.  When there are larger concentrations of it, such that the ground can no longer contain it, it forms rivers to carry away the excess.  These in turn can run together into lakes, and sometimes combine into gigantic formations of water known as oceans.  All of these, I might point out are not out there floating in the air, but are sitting on top of the ground, probably until they can be re-absorbed into the earth they came from. Why the vary notion that water could come from the sky is ludicrous!   

It's certainly possible that during the formation of the planet, back in some dim and prehistoric past, something of this nature happened where Kansas is concerned.  The notion of it's happening in modern times was so far-fetched however, that it took me a few minutes just to figure out how to get a result from an attempted Google search of 'Kansas and water from the sky'.  This exhaustive research led to a term I vaguely remembered from my early school science and history classes called RAIN.  Disbelieving my original results, I thought at first that this might be some sadistic and twisted acronym, perhaps for Really Annoying Imaginary Notion.  Additional research however, convinced me that this was in fact a real word (it's even in the Webster Dictionary) describing an event that has actually occurred in places around the world.  Intrigued, I watched a couple of You Tube videos, but afterward couldn't help but wonder if they weren't faked.

The possibilities set me to wondering though.  What would happen if such an event actually occurred?  Would you need protective clothing or devices to keep from getting wet?  Would bits of water that fell from hundreds or thousands of feet in the air cause physical pain if they struck you?  Would the ground be capable of absorbing such water, containing as much as it does already, or would it simply run off into rivers and lakes?  Would people actually be able to drive while such an event were occurring or would they be incapable of seeing or keep from sliding across road surfaces?  Nope sorry, such a thing is just physically impossible; and I refuse to panic local citizenry by spreading such outlandish fables.  (Yeah, like that's stopped me before.)  So in response to a warning which cannot be taken seriously (even with my tin foil hat on), and in honor of the color often used to describe the substance involved, the threat for the rest of the month will be raised to blue.

 

Taking A Holiday

Contrary to popular belief, this isn't how I type

I was torn about how to go about telling the rather twisted, but exceptionally loyal readership of "Just Blowing Smoke" that the editorial staff of this blog recently voted unanimously to take the entire month of July off (especially since it's seldom that any two of them agree on anything).  

Not that it's particularly surprising to me that this group would vote itself a month long holiday, but that's only because I know what slackers they can be when they set their minds to it.  This is the United States of America however (It is, isn't it?), so taking the advice of friends and advisers, I put my foot down (very gently, as I remember) and told them that we needed to limit their shenanigans to a two week period.    

Even at that, my greatest concern with such a break was over having to unlock both the attic Command Center of the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security, and the smaller room in which the lexicographers of the "SOS Dictionary" work with quill and parchment. The ramifications of such an event were so grave that I even seriously considered issuing a 'Terror Alert' without the permission of the DJBSS, knowing the damage that could be realized by turning these hooligans loose on a largely unsuspecting public (not to mention the potential legal actions).  In the end, a decision was made not to issue such an alert, figuring that like Adam Sandler movies, the public-at-large usually gets what it deserves.  We have collected all available liquid assets however (no, not the booze, but the few coins lying about in the sofa cushions), in case we need bail money.

I did want to make sure that we set a specific time frame for this holiday, in the hopes that we wouldn't lose those of you who have been loyally following this site for some time now.  So as we take a break here beginning with July 1st, a return to what constitutes a normal schedule (a word I always hesitate to use regarding this blog) will occur with a new posting on Wednesday, July 18th.  During the interim, one can only hope that the staff manages to recharge their batteries, stay out of jail, and rediscover some of the very limited talent and writing ability that they once had (skills which have diminished significantly since the last such break).  If nothing else, they will hopefully return with a greater enthusiasm than they appear to be exhibiting lately. (No matter how hard we tried, we never seemed to get the staff to buy into "the beatings will continue until morale improves" program that we instituted.)

Knowing this group, it's unlikely that they would have been able to take the entire month off anyway, and that they will gladly return in a couple of weeks; broke, hung over, and grateful to return to the safety of their respective enclaves.  It's possible however that while even this brief holiday lasts, some subject will come up that demands a timely response.  Since I myself don't expect to be leaving headquarters during this period (are you kidding, with that mob out there), I may try to cobble something together on my own in such an event (such efforts normally producing a great deal of amusement for the rest of the staff); so feel free to check in from time to time during this couple of weeks. 

In the meantime, I hope that you find enjoyable pursuits (but not too enjoyable) to substitute for this regrettable but necessary absence.  The smoking lamp is now officially lit, so smoke 'em if you got 'em.

June Terror Alert: DADS

June is already fast upon us, and while the heat of summer begins to climb, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) continues in its tireless efforts to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Though personally I think they're happy to stay locked in their Command Center since we had a new air conditioning unit installed last week.)   And while they continue to be given little in the way of credit for what many consider to be nonsensical labors at best (and even less in terms of financial remuneration), most concede that their efforts have thus far proven as effective, if not more, as threat protection for this nation than their TSA 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country.

The threat assessment slipped out from under the locked door of their Command Center today (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours) is indeed a serious one, and not particularly surprising if you remember that for May. While I was hoping that any danger recognized by the DJBSS would hold off at least long enough for me to celebrate my Irish Twin's birthday; it was obvious once I had read the Cheetos-stained Post-it note that proper notification of the general public was essential.  In fact, with Father's Day just a week away their effort is a particularly timely one indeed, warning of the annual appearance of a rather despicable group of ne'er do wells ... DADS.  

Obviously we're not talking about the wise and loving male progenitors that we've long come to know from TV's "Father Knows Best" or "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" (Did anyone else ever wonder about the ramifications of  Eddie's father also being the Hulk?), nor can we really be said to be speaking about the equally loving but far more sarcastic versions typified in "The Cosby Show" or even "Home Improvement".  In fact these reproductive reprobates may be the only people on the planet with less or worse parenting skills that the Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen characters on the original "Two and a Half Men".  

Disinterested Adolescent sperm Donors Society are in fact members a group of malicious malefactors almost as amazing as they are detestable.  One is never certain whether to be more  astonished in the proof that they possess the required hardware necessary for the reproductive act to be consummated, or appalled that they've somehow they've convinced a member of what's usually the more intelligent gender of the species to participate in any act that might result in offspring. 

Often calling their erstwhile partners "baby mommas", they seem as concerned about the results of sharing their seed with these unfortunate females as they would in sharing the flu.  (Not surprising, exposure to these "baby daddies" can result in flu-like symptoms for those involved that include: a light fever, general nausea, upset stomach, vomiting, and diarrhea.)  No one knows what dangers long-term exposure to these double-dealing frauds might result in, as they seldom remain around long enough with the woman in question to provide the option for study.

While these DADS call themselves adolescents, they in fact come in all ages, with the descriptive term having apparently more to do with their inability to grow up and take adult (let alone parental) responsibility for their procreative activities.  And while many feel that DADS cannot be counted on for anything, the facts show that they can usually be counted on to contribute little of nothing in the way of financial support or to participate little if at all in the raising of their often scattered offspring.

Perhaps the only positive that they contribute to posterity is through their standard practice of abandonment, which provides the best hope that none of these traits will be passed on to their male descendants.  Raised in single mother homes (often with the support of other family members) or as part of a later amorous relationship on the part of the mother, the best hope of these children is that the contributor of half of their genetic code will remain long forgotten.   

DADS can be easily identified by:

*  An ego greater than would be expected based on their appearance or intelligence
*  An inflated belief in their sexual prowess
*  An expensive wardrobe or car (usually purchased with money they refused to spend on the support of their offspring)
*  A reticence to speak about family, especially with regards to children
*  A tendency to denigrate the women with which they were in previous relationships with  
*  The number of phone calls they receive from irate women at all hours of the day and night

Since DADS are not so much of a threat as they are a scourge and a taint on the principles of respectable fatherhood, the terror threat for June will therefore only be raised to Yellow.  The DJBSS wanted to use Brown to properly call out these shits (not to be confused with SHITS), but instead settled on the only color which properly describes the cowardice exhibited by these bastards (pun intended) with respect to their parental responsibilities.

May Terror Alert: MOTHERS

May is hard upon us, and while many look forward to the relaxation of these warmer months, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) continues in its tireless efforts to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Though it appears that they are currently only tireless because they ran out of decaf and had to use the real stuff while making the copious quantities of Irish coffee they continuously consume.)   And while they have been given little in the way of credit for what some consider to be their nonsensical labors (and even less in terms of financial remuneration), it must at least be conceded that their efforts have thus far proven more effective as threat protection for this nation than their TSA 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country.

The threat assessment slipped out from under the locked door of their Command Center today (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours) is indeed a serious one, in spite of the fact that it appears to be covered in Cheetos crumbs (they have recently insisted on the 'Flamin' Hot' ones). In fact they are warning us just in time of the impending once a year appearance of a particularly insidious group of miscreants ... MOTHERS. 

Do not be deceived into believing that they are for one moment talking about those wonderful female progenitors who served tirelessly, wiping our butts as babies, our noses and foreheads as children each and every time that illness beset us, and our tears to this very day as life's trials and tribulations attempt to overcome us.  This group is in fact the antithesis of their venerable namesake: Malicious and Obnoxious Troublemakers who Hate Everything Regarding maternal Sentiment.  

Rumor has it that many of the members of this particularly evil little bunch ne'er-do-wells in fact never had mothers of their own and that they were in fact created in a under-funded government research project, performed at a long since de-certified junior college.  (Some hint that it wasn't a junior college at all, but in fact 'The Wanda Trossler School of Beauty'.)  If the bulk of these rumors are in fact correct, their mothers were apparently little more than dirty test tubes manufactured in a factory built on a toxic waste site in China (allegedly right next to where the current I Pad factory is today).  The government of course vehemently denies these claims, stating firmly and for the record that: "There has never been any such thing as a under-funded government research project."

Showing the twisted Jealousy one might expect for those around them not produced as part of yet another of these failed experiments (a project allegedly called 'It Takes A Village'), and provided with years of the kind of efficient mothering that only 24 hour per day government assistance could provide, they have now dedicated their very existence to a program designed to denigrate that which they will never know in methods so twisted that even Stephen King hasn't thought of them (yet).

Of course you've all seen them out there over the years.  They're the ones who always insisted on jumping off the bridge, just because everyone else did.  They're the ones who always put their elbows on the table, stubbornly refused to drink their milk (or Ovaltine or Tang for that matter) and who scoffed at claims that starving children around the world would gladly eat the vegetables that they had turned their noses up at.

They're also the ones, by the way, who spend far too much time these days on the late afternoon talk shows, decrying the role of motherhood as something only fit for women unable or unwilling to pursue a more satisfying professional career (mostly because, male or female, they are those least likely to find someone willing to participate in reproductive behavior with).  They are also those whose career in fact seems to involve writing scripts for what are considered 'hip' sitcoms about women who look down their noses at those they consider 'chained by the bonds of parenthood'.

May is normally the peak period of their perfidious activity, being the month in which a holiday exists in celebration of that which they fear and detest most.  Castigating the day of reverence for this most challenging of responsibilities as nothing more than a 'Hallmark Holiday', they can sometimes be found performing curiously contradictory observances.  While acknowledging the existence of the festival, they will undoubtedly seek to glorify the capitalistic perversions of it; attempting to demean its festivities as simply a day to get a great price on a mattress or a set of tires.    

MOTHERS can be recognized fairly easily in public.  Depending on their apparel, they can clearly picked out by scars on elbows and knees that were neither correctly bandaged, nor properly disinfected by a kiss.  If their limbs are covered, they'll be the ones who haven't washed behind their ears.  Unfortunately for those keeping their company, they're also the ones who don't wash their hands before dinner or after they've gone to the bathroom (which paints a particularly disgusting picture if they've done the latter just prior to the former).  Their hair is usually uncombed, their teeth unbrushed, and their faces are unscrubbed.  

Owing to the sheer volume of their nefarious activities over the next week, the DJBSS hotline will be open 24 hours a day until after Mother's Day.  While the call volume at 1-800-RAT-BUTT can likewise expected to be high and some delays are inevitable, please remain on the line and all relevant information regarding their evil enterprises will be taken down for future reprisal.

Because of the particularly disgusting nature of their transgressions (and personal habits) the Terror Threat is being raised to a particularly dirty shade of Gray.

April Terror Alert: RABBITS

As March ends and April begins, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) is once again working tirelessly to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Well kind of, anyway ...)  So maybe tirelessly is too strong a word, but even I admit that they're able to do a pretty fair job now that we've finally sobered them up from their St Patrick's Day activities, performed a cursory cleaning of their headquarters while they were out celebrating, and replaced the empty jumbo-sized bags of Cheetos scattered about the attic that we keep them locked in with full ones.  

And while they have been given little in the way of credit for their labors and are often held in relatively low esteem (even by me), it must be admitted that their efforts have proven far more effective in threat protection for this nation than their 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country, better known as the TSA. 

It is therefore no surprise that the DJBSS has once again slipped a notification and threat assessment out from under the door of their command center (OK, attic) with barely a week for the nation to take appropriate precautions.  I am of course speaking of an imminent Easter holiday threat ... RABBITS.  And believe me when I tell you that we aren't talking about cute little fuzzy creatures who make their way from place to place with a curiously amusing (and rather charming) little hopping gate, but about an organization of criminals and thieves who will stop at almost nothing in perpetrating their heinous and addictive path of petty pilferage upon a sacred rite of spring (though now that I think about it, I suppose they could hop about as well if they wanted to).

Now for those of you who have never heard of this nefarious organization, they are a particularly disgusting bunch of evildoers whose members not only commit depredations on the innocent youth of this nation during the Easter holiday, but are evidently also doomed to pass their seemingly their cursed existence and insufferably immature behavior from one generation to the next.  I am of course speaking of the Ravenous Bunny Butchers Ingesting Tasty and Sugary treats.  In a maniacally clever bit of misdirection, they've even managed to mostly allay fears of the general public regarding their demented and disgusting onslaughts on seasonal confections most in danger by taking the very name of the cute little creature that this holiday is most closely associated with ... the Easter Bunny. 

Here at "Just Blowing Smoke" we recognize that Easter is also a important religious holiday for many of you out there.  After many years of research however, even the lexicographers at the "Stuck On Stupid Dictionary" have been unable to come up with a relationship between those serious religious aspects, a rabbit, a basket, chocolate, boiled eggs, marshmallow baby chickens, or jellybeans that they are willing to share ... even with the editorial staff.  This is probably just as well, since doing so would probably break up the rhythm of the narrative and have nothing to do with the ridiculous point attempting to be made here (much like this interruption has already done). 

While you may never have heard them called out by name, I'm sure that all of you reading this have at one time or another suffered from their dastardly and diabolical attacks on Easter baskets during your youth.  Curiously, the psychotic membership of this candy cabal of reprehensible reprobates is mostly restricted to those of adult age (and with an obvious lack of adult self-control) who have offspring.  There's even limited evidence, obtained from rather suspect government-funded studies, that indicate that these RABBITS in fact commit most if not all of their disgusting acts of domestic terrorism (if not outright child abuse) under the very roofs they live. 

These lightning swift attacks have been perpetrated on the spring treat receptacles across the nation for decades, and membership activities appear to have no respect for age, income, or ethic origin.  Recognizing the evidence of these atrocious acts of domestic dessert assault are easy, and they are often characterized by Easter Baskets suffering from the following depredations:

*  Missing ears from chocolate Rabbits (usually with the appearance of having been ... dare I say it ... bitten off).
*  Curiously insignificant numbers of malted milk eggs
*  Suspiciously empty Reece's Easter Egg packages 
*  Trifling and grossly insufficient numbers of Marshmallow "Peeps", including some that almost appear to have been 'gnawed upon'
* Smeared, and therefore all but unreadable chocolate colored fingerprints on hallways and door frames
*  Trails of jelly beans leading to available habitation exits (or in some cases, the master bedroom)

Members of RABBITS can normally be easily identified by their "shit eating grin", often made all the more apparent by the smeared ring of chocolate found around their disgusting pie holes (and sometimes the back of one wrist), visible in spite of (or because of) their misguided and miserable attempts to wipe the evidence away.By the time that they can normally be properly identified however, their awful acts of intentional ingestion have already unfortunately been committed.  

You can of course, feel free to contact the DJBSS at 1-800-RATBUTT to report the iniquitous activities of these RABBITS; and I promise you that their names and likenesses will in turn be turned over to the Department of Homeland Security for possible further prosecution (Sorry, but it's a settlement that we've reached with the government for all the abuse that we've heaped upon the TSA).  Please remind the person answering the phone to wipe the chocolate and yellow marshmallow off of the receiver before replacing it back on the cradle.  (It makes the phones so sticky!)

In order to highlight the despicable deeds of these confectionery criminals, the DJBSS is raising the terror threat (as you might have already guessed) to PINK, in honor of those cute little eyes on the real Easter Bunny.

March Terror Alert: IRISH

As I have oft times stated, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) works tirelessly to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (OK, so I lied ...)  So maybe not tirelessly, but they do a pretty fair job when we can actually sober them up and get their heads out of jumbo-sized bags of Cheetos randomly scattered about the attic that we keep them locked in.  Their efforts  have in fact done quite an astonishing job over the years of notifying the public about impending threats from organizations that few, if any, has ever heard of before. (And in spite of the lack of credit that they are given and the  low esteem in which they are held, including by me, they have still proved more effective in threat protection for this country than the TSA.)

For some strange reason, they slipped out an alert last night from under the door to their headquarters / research center (the previously mentioned attic) for March, while February has yet a few days remaining. While advance warning is always a valuable asset, and not that this notification (unlike the last one) couldn't be considered a legitimate report of a potential threat; but once again it presents an uncomfortable situation where the organization in question is concerned.  

For the second time in as many months, the threat in question comes from a group to which I retain a membership.  While there was a brief discussion as to whether an actual warning needed to be issued, in the end the Editorial Staff agreed that they had no authority to subvert the jurisdiction granted to the DJBSS.  (Unlike some organizations that I could name, we at "Just Blowing Smoke" recognize and fully accept the concept of the 'Separation of Powers'.)

Therefore an official terror alert is being issued against the IRISH. Now for those perhaps familiar with the nationality, but unfamiliar with this group; I am speaking of course of the Intoxicated Reprobates Indulging in St Patrick's Honor. 

While normally harmless, this bunch of miscreants does tend to raise a bit of a ruckus during the month of March, especially in the days surrounding the 17th, which to them is a combination of the rites of the Winter Solstice, Chinese New Years, Mardi Gras, the Fourth of July, and Christmas.

While this organization is always about (though most likely only noticeable when gathered in larger groups in Pubs around the country), it tends to become more visible in the month of March, becomes downright hard to miss as the middle of the month approaches, and it becomes damned near impossible to keep from tripping over their alcohol-anesthetized forms on the 16th and 17th.  Have no fear of them however.  They will likely be pursuing their own arcane rituals, which though you may find them occasionally bizarre and completely without logic or reason, pose no immediate threat to you. Most will in fact be preoccupied with other IRISH members, and are likely to be paying you little if any heed. 

(I could of course, attempt to explain the logic and reason behind those rituals, so as to clear up this little problem for you; but doing so would likely cause me to suffer the immediate loss of a membership I treasure for no better reason than your peace of mind.  Not a chance ...)  

You should be aware that while you may run into a number of cells of this organization during this mid-month period, you may also run into groups of look-alike IRISH. While ostensibly carrying the general appearance of  members, they are in fact merely poor copies content to wear silly T-shirts and lighted shamrocks with the names of American beer companies on them in a misguided attempt to pay homage to the spirit of ceremonies that they clearly don't understand.  Since such groups constitute little more than twisted shadows of the original and often have a great number of misconceptions as to the rituals of the true organization, confronting them or participating in the rites of such faux assemblages should be done only at your own risk.
 
Now while they can be boisterous at times, real IRISH tend to be prone to bouts of lyrical pontification and melancholy singing rather than the fisticuffs of popular legend.  This is especially true later in the day after the 'Indulging' part of their organization's name has been participated in long enough to allow the 'Intoxicated' part to come into full bloom.  While they can be a bit touchy if the subject of the English is brought up in conversation, such danger can usually be averted by quickly offering to buy them a drink.

Do not however:

1. Attempt to convince them that the green versions of Anheuser Bush or Miller products are in fact 'IRISH Beer'. The Coors product Killian's also falls under this category in spite of its name, and is best not mentioned.
2. Attempt to buy them one of these beers, or a 'whiskey' made in Scotland, Canada, Kentucky, or Tennessee.  While they might gladly accept such an invitation any other time, partaking of such beverages during these holy days of obligation is a strict violation of rules, and more ... a mortal sin that would damn their souls for eternity.
3. Attempt to convince them that whiskey was first invented by the residents of  Scotland.
4. Tell them that you don't like to drink Guinness unless it's "really, really cold". 
5. Attempt to convince them that the bagpipe is in fact a Scottish instrument, since they know better and may seek to prove it by finding one and playing it.
6. Ask them if the IRISH are a belligerent race, as carried away in a spirit of holiday giving, they may feel compelled to oblige you, in spite of their better instincts. 

For those of you who feel inclined to report the appearance of one of these cells or any incidents by them that might occur, you're more than welcome to contact the DJBSS at 1-800-RAT-BUTT; but it's likely that you'll have to leave a message. The odds favor the fact that none of the DJBSS staff will be in the office, though some of them will probably be a part of the group that you're trying to report.  (Attempts to report such incidents in person to the DJBSS are likely to meet with the same reaction as bringing up the subject of the English, so if you do so, keep your wallet handy.)   

Therefore, in light of the limited threat that the IRISH pose, and in honor of their upcoming annual celebration, the terror threat for this period will be placed at GREEN.


 

No Terror Threat At All: VISA

The Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) has over the years, worked tirelessly to keep the general public informed on terrorist organizations. Well, maybe not tirelessly, but they do work hard from time to time at gathering information and assessing relative threat levels where … OK, when we can actually sober up members of the DJBSS or get their heads out of jumbo-sized bags of Cheetos randomly scattered about the attic that we keep them locked in, they do a reasonable job of notifying the public about threats from organizations that nobody's ever heard of before. (And in spite of the disparaging remarks made about them, including by me, they have still proved more effective in threat protection than the TSA.)

It was they after all, who outed the travel nemesis known as the ADL (Anti-Destination League), the electronic threat of TROLL's (Terrible Responses in Otherwise Legitimate Locations) in the blogosphere, the forecasting doomsayers better known as WACKO's (Weather Anticipation Crisis Kibitzer Organization), identified the telecommunication onslaught of SHIT's (Society of Harassing Imitation Telemarketers), they who outed the attempted development of a Super Terrorist (a combination of a socially progressive liberal, a rabid environmentalist, and a religious fundamentalist) and of course they who released the new definition of TERRORISM itself (Taxing Evil Rich to Reduce Obligations Resulting from an Immoderate government Spending Movement).

(If you missed any of these earlier alerts, simply do a search in this blog with terrorism as the key word.)

This weekend however, an alert was slipped out from under the door of the DJBSS research center (the aforementioned attic) that was a bit of a surprise. It's a group that has not been hatching plans for lighting the fires of dissent in the nation (and in fact has trouble both lighting fires and making plans), has committed no overt acts against the general populace (though many of them should perhaps, be committed), and poses no risk to anyone's safety (well, other than themselves maybe). More surprising to me however, is that it's an organization that I belong to: the Village Idiot Society of America.

First, let me say that VISA has nothing to do with the credit card company using the same name, and we have been around far longer. (There's a rumor that the card's slogan "we're everywhere you want to be" originated with the Village Idiots of VISA, who've said for years, "we're everywhere, whether you want us there or not". No copyright infringement charge for the name or slogan usage has ever been filed however, possibly over concern of interfering with non-member Idiots in the legal profession.)

For those of you who may be concerned about VISA, let me say first that whether you realized it or not, there have long been Village Idiots in each and every community in this country, with larger municipalities having multiple members in proportion to their populations (and some who will remain unnamed, with staggering numbers in proportion to their populations). Having been a card-carrying member in good standing for longer than I can remember, I am pleased to find that I have been welcomed by local Village Idiots and had my membership updated after each relocation that I've made over the years. (In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to say that membership is not defined through the actual possession of a card as such, but something more like an old grocery store receipt with a secret code word scrawled illegibly on the back. You'll never get me to get me to reveal the nature of this word to you however, even under torture.  This is not out of a sense of blind courage, but more that I seem to have misplaced my sales slip somewhere; and even when I had it ... I couldn't read the word.)

Now many assume that the highest concentration of Village Idiots in the US is in Washington DC, and while such an assumption is natural enough, such information is both misleading and incorrect. While there are certainly more Idiots per square mile in Washington DC than in any other location in the US (with the possible exception of the couple of blocks surrounding the UN Building in New York City), few of those in DC (and none in the UN) are certified members of VISA. All in both locations in fact normally find their submitted applications summarily rejected through regular violation of VISA's first rule, “Do no harm”. (Come to think of it, this may be our only rule. We tend not be very good about making rules and often have trouble remembering them.)

Real Village Idiots are much harder to identify than you might think in fact, and are often little discernible from the general public. They can generally be distinguished upon close examination however, by the rather vague expressions that they wear, their apparent lack of focus on the world around them, their complete inability to answer simple questions put to them, and their willingness to smile for no apparent reason. (Wow, now I've probably got them even more confused with politicians …. sorry.)

Unlike their amateur counterparts in politics however, the real thing are much like the Ford Dent character describes Earth in Douglas Adam's “The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy”, “Mostly harmless”. They go their own way, doing their own thing; and occasionally speaking truth to power at the most inconvenient times and in a mostly nonsensical fashion (some of us more than others with that last part). The actual truth and timeliness of such statements often going largely unrecognized until those being spoken to or about get past agreeing that person who made the statement was a rather 'odd sort of person'.

While the position isn't compensated particularly well, we do have some really wonderful Village Idiot conventions, filled with symposiums, lectures, and advanced training in idiotic behavior; interspersed with holding competitions in:

• Who can wear the most things that don't go with any of the other things they're wearing.
• Who can hold a vague expression for the longest period without cracking a smile (I've won this one the last five years running, but I think it's because I only have one expression.)
• Best fall from a sitting position (extra points are awarded for the height of the seat).
• Best response to the question: “What are you, an idiot or something?”

If confronted by a Village Idiot, please feel free to call us at 1-800-RAT-BUTT (the PC code for saying, "Like I give a rat's ass"). While there is no danger in such an encounter, it's nice for those of us in VISA to know where our membership is these days (especially since they don't often know themselves). In fact, try and get an address or phone number if you can before calling, so we can try and get in touch with these Idiots later.

In spite of the apparently dire warnings of the DJBSS (something that we will discuss with them later while delivering more booze and Cheetos to the attic), the editorial staff at “Just Blowing Smoke” is still leaving the terror threat at pink; since it's the most harmless color we can think of.