TFP Column: Santa Is Coming ... Beware

 

While experiencing the briefest of mourning periods during the election cycle, I am back once more within the pages of the TFP website this week.  Self-chastised for being consistently wrong about the results of those elections yet again (which is why I don't bet), it seemed only fitting to change my focus from the painful subject of my own abjectly miserable performance and turn instead to the coming holiday season.

I think that you'll find "Santa Is Coming ... Beware" an amusing (if not troubling) effort, dripping with the kind of sarcasm required to put the commercial aspect of the holiday and it's symbolic leader in a slightly different (OK, warped) perspective.  Of course it's not surprising that there should be some contradictions in the secular version of mythical character who ends up being merged over time with a religious figure who actually existed.  Be aware however, that my analysis of someone whose traditional depiction bares a vague similarity to my own does not mean that I have spared my subject in any way, or that we share any of the potential personality quirks that I ascribe to him.

Since it's already a bit past mid-week, you're lucky that the 'Star' edition has already hit the streets to provide more serious counterpoint to my more fanciful offering.  With the weekend edition yet to come, there's plenty more still to look forward to, especially in Toledo and Northwest Ohio.  

What else would you expect however, from Toledo's largest Sunday circulation newspaper, one which has been named by the Ohio Society of Professional Journalism as the Best Weekly Newspaper in Ohio for the last five years running.  I'm speaking of course, of the Toledo Free Press.

Dear Santa 2011

Santa Claus

c/o North Pole

Dear Santa,

Listen, I know that this is kind of late and that you have a lot of letters to read at this time of year (especially with the problems that the Post Office is having getting stuff delivered), so I'll get right to the point.

It seems that there are some people out there who could use a few things, and might forget to put them on their lists. So I thought I would try, on their behalf of course, to help them out. Don't get me wrong Santa, they're not children (though it would be difficult to believe this, based on the way they act much of the time) and I'm sure that more than a few of them are on your 'naughty' list rather than your 'nice' one. You may even find them rather hard to sort out, except by the fact that they've been elected to public office.

Yes that's right Santa, I want you to bring presents to politicians. No don't worry Santa, I haven't gone any crazier than usual. There's just a couple of things that I think you could give politicians right now that might turn out to be gifts for all of us. Yes Santa, I know that we already give politicians too much (when they're not taking more), but these particular selections might be considered vitally important to the national interest (and will probably be as welcome as the rabbit pajamas my grandma gave me when I was seven, and that I still have nightmares about).

Anyway, here's my list:

A new Calculator: Maybe you could find a special one with a really big display that shows all the zeros in a trillion dollars (the regular ones don't). I'm not sure that those in Congress actually understand that, or they wouldn't keep throwing that number around like it wasn't as big as it actually is.

A new Dictionary: Listen Santa, there seems to be some real confusion out there about what constitutes a 'tax', or what the definitions of 'spending cuts','fair share', 'entitlement', and 'rights' are. If you gave them a dictionary, they might look these words up when they get confused before voting on laws (you will note that I didn't say read, as most of the time they appear to vote on them before they read them these days).

A copy of the National Register: Yes Santa, I know that the book listing all federal regulations has 81,405 pages (and maybe more since I wrote this), and that it will be hard to load them into the sleigh; but then that's the point isn't it. Maybe if you block their view of the tree with this monster, they will get the message that what doesn't appear to them as enough is far too much already. If you really want to get the point across, stack a copy of the tax code (71,684 pages and growing) on top of it.

A copy of the Constitution: As long as you are adding to their reading lists, I thought that you might add this one. Yes, I know that they keep a copy on display in Washington Santa; but I'm not sure how many have ever bothered to look at it, even while they “solemnly swear (or affirm) that [they] will support and defend it from all enemies, foreign and domestic, that [they] will bear true faith and allegiance to the same”. I know that they've got these really neat little pocket editions (because I have a couple), so I was thinking that maybe you could use them as stocking stuffers.

I know I haven't asked for anything for myself this year, but I didn't ask for anything last year either, and you still managed to show up with some pretty great stuff … thanks. I'm especially thankful to you by the way, for whatever you give Michael Miller that convinces him to put my writing efforts up in the Toledo Free Press (maybe if you give him a little more, I'll make the print edition more often).

I know that there are a lot of people out there whose need is far greater than mine, so you would be doing me a big favor to help them out as much as you can instead. (Come to think of it, you might want to get lots of them copies of “Holiday Wishes” through the TFP, which would help twice over.)

Merry Christmas,

Tim



P.S. If you want to stop by again this year while making your rounds, you are more than welcome; and the cookies and milk will be on me. Besides, we never did finish that discussion on diets that don't work and the proper care of white beards.

.

Dear Santa

I suddenly realized that it was a week before Christmas and I had yet to write my letter to Santa Claus. Having thus missed the opportunity to send him the proper missive by snail mail, I recognized that the only way that it had any chance to reach him in time would be to send him an email. Of course I'm sure that Santa gets millions of emails (Who can afford the postage these days?), so I began to think about how I could set my letter apart from all the rest.

Then it hit me. Rather than sending a simple email, I could instead write my request in the form of a blog posting. Based on our physical resemblance, our shared smoking habit (though I often prefer cigars to using one of my pipes these days), and the popularity of this website (Hah!); I thought it at least possible that the big guy would might read this in time to do me some good.

Besides, I thought that doing it in this manner would allow me the perfect opportunity to also rant about the tax rate negotiations and those that will now find something under their tree, the omnibus spending bill and all of the gifts that Congress seems to be trying to supplant Santa by delivering to constituencies (though it appears that this may not make a vote in time), and any number of other political pejoratives about the shenanigans that have been going on in Washington in the days leading up to the upcoming holiday that I could think of.

Just as I was getting the keyboard warmed up to deliver this scathing diatribe however, I discovered myself unable to do so. In a true Linus moment, it occurred to me that Christmas is not there for me or anyone else to use as a platform for political commentary, nor is it a time of year that should be used to attack anyone (even if they deserve it).

Whether one follows the religious interpretation of the holiday, the secular version of cheer personified in Dicken's "A Christmas Carol", or even the overblown commercial version lovingly demonized in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"; the day is meant to be one of fellowship, of sharing, and of giving.

That in turn made me take a look at a year all but ended, to see what I might want to put on my gift list for Santa. I found that in spite of being a year of rather more challenges than I expected, 2010 has nevertheless been a pretty good year. I have been granted pretty good health, the opportunity to reinvent myself (something long overdue), and a chance to spend more time with a family in Kansas City that I have seen far too infrequently over the last couple of decades (also long overdue).

I also find in looking about me, that I am blessed with three healthy, happy children; and five grandchildren of equal fitness and cheerfulness (one of which, Molly, is but a recent addition to the clan). Taking all of that under consideration, I find that I have a great deal for be thankful for this year.

This in turn brought me to the realization that I really had nothing that I wanted to ask Santa for this year. My needs and desires for material possessions seems to diminish with every passing year, and I find that the simplicity of such a life agrees with me. 

While I hope to be doing some traveling soon to pay visits to these offspring and their progeny, I am more than capable of handling that on my own, and will be confirming plans for this over the coming days. Even my man-toy list is non-existent this year, since I was forced to replace a computer that achieved room temperature a couple of months ago. While this self-given gift may have been a bit extravagant, it did allow me the guilty pleasure of continuing my literary efforts, both here and in the Toledo Free Press. It even provided what may be an additional opportunity to submit work for publication that I will talk about more in January if anything comes of it. 

Perhaps it's simply that not having trimmed my beard in a couple of months, the face that stares back at me in the mirror is simply too strong a reminder of a guy with eight reindeer (nine in bad weather) and the spirit of the season. I therefore find myself unaccountably filled with that Christmas spirit, and believe that I will simply relax and enjoy the feeling. So as far as that letter goes:        

Dear Santa, 


If you're reading this, don't worry about dropping anything off for me this year, I'm doing just fine. Besides, I'm sure that you have plenty of people out there who actually do need things and have been a lot nicer than me.

Thanks for everything you've brought me in the past by the way. It's all been pretty great.

If you'd like to stop by anyway while making your rounds, please feel free to do so. The cookies and milk will be on me. If nothing else, we can compare notes on diets that don't work and the proper care of white beards. 


Merry Christmas, 


 Tim