Sunday, December 22, 2013

Dear Santa: 2013

Santa Claus
c/o North Pole

Dear Santa,

I know that this missive seems to be getting sent off to you later each year; and once again I would like to apologize for my horrible tardiness.   You're not the only one out there that gets really busy around this time of year you know, and with the prospect of shutting things down around here in just a few more days, it's been even more of a madhouse than usual. Thanks, by the way, for telling the Post Office not to drop ALL of those letters at my place this year. The three bags were plenty for use in my column a couple of weeks ago, and the elevator at headquarters only broke down once trying to get them to the third floor.

Before you ask, my family is doing surprisingly well again this year, in spite of having to put up with me.  As usual, anything that you were thinking of getting them from their lists certainly has my advance approval. As for myself, I'd like to tell you that I've been good this year as well, but that would be a bit of an overstatement. (OK, maybe misstatement is more of the correct word.) The truth of the matter however, is that I probably have been better than usual, but I'm told that going through open heart surgery will tend to do that to a person. (Don't worry, I'm sure this temporary spell of good behavior won't last.)

By the way, please note the names of the doctors and nurses that I've added to my personal nice list for your consideration. Anybody who can find a heart in this crusty old bastard, let alone fix it (as they seem to have done) deserves to be on the “Nice” list.  Add in their ability to do without telling me what a sorry, ungrateful #*&$ I am while doing it, and they should probably be near the top of the “Really Nice” list.

Perhaps surprisingly to some, I'm not going to suggest you doing anything regarding Obamacare, Duck Dynasty, or the 2014 elections. I'd like to tell you that I know you don't do that kind of stuff anyway, but the real reason is what little interest I had on these subjects must have slipped out of my pocket and into a snowbank as I leaned against a lamp post to catch the lung I was coughing up while walking to a drugstore to get something to relieve such symptoms from earlier this week during this most recent spate of Global Warming.  

I do have one particularly ironic political request however, for you deliver a lot of lumps of coal to those working for the Environmental Protection Agency.  I severely doubt it, but maybe they'll get the joke (or the hint), but that won't take the fun out of the gesture. 

I know I haven't asked for anything for myself once again this year. Truthfully, I've always felt fortunate over the years that you haven't given me what I truly deserved, and always managed to show up with some pretty great stuff, in spite of my usual misdeeds.  So thanks.  All kidding aside, I know that there are a lot of people out there whose need is far greater than mine, so you would be doing me a big favor to help them out as much as you can instead. (Come to think of it, you might want to get lots of them copies of the “Holiday Wishes 3” through the TFP, which would help twice over.)

Merry Christmas,


P.S. I will no doubt be up late again this year on Christmas Eve (who sleeps well at our age anyway), and I have laid in a supply of cookies and Egg Nog (yes, the low-fat kind so you can watch your cholesterol), so feel free to stop by as usual. Not that you'll need it, but I'll leave the light on.

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