Sunday, November 17, 2013

Hallmark Channel, You're Killing Me ,,,

For the few of you out there still living within the limitations created by Time-Warner's Basic Cable, the holiday season this year has already taken an alarming turn.  Recent reductions in the channel offerings available to those of us unwilling to pay a $100.00 plus monthly cable bill has placed many in a rather precarious position; one that even those of us (like me) with long-time subscriptions to 'Netflix' have yet to come up with a suitable solution for.  In fact it sometimes seems that the only channel providing reasonable cable cinematic efforts on TV is the Hallmark Channel.

Don't get me wrong here, I really like to watch movies and normally have no real objection to the 'made for TV' type that represent the common fare on Hallmark Channel.  The plots on their films are fairly well written (though sometimes horribly formulaic), the obvious Canadian studio production values of these films are solid, and where else could one go to see all of the great character actors from serial TV and old movies since "The Love Boat" and "Love American Style" went off the air.  The problem however, is that since I no longer receive AMC, TMC, TNT, or even the "Sharknado" movie on the ScyFy channel from the friendly folks at my cable company; Hallmark's offerings are damn near the only alternatives available on the channels remaining. 

I have therefore been plunged in recent days into a world of non-stop Christmas movies through their current "Countdown to Christmas" schedule.  This is bad enough for someone who's long been suffering from a near terminal case SCSS (Santa Claus Similarity Syndrome); but making the symptoms even more tortuous lately are the diabetic-destroying sugar levels in the romance and romantic comedy story lines that are woven into Hallmark's holiday offerings.  

Listen, I like my 'chick flicks' as much as any other sports-addicted, chest thumping, Neanderthal, but this expanded exposure to the 'Dark Side' of movie making has gotten completely out of hand.  My anxiety over the situation has reached a point where I've had to monitor my sleeping habits; lest I drop off with the TV on and find myself being subliminally programmed with an overdose Christmas spirit and more weepy sensitivity than any member of my gender can willing be asked to contain.  

The fact that I'm able, and even willing to write about the recent impact of this not-too-subtle re-programming (brainwashing) should indicate to even the least discerning how ghastly my own personal situation has become.  The further admission that this recent exposure has probably allowed me to 'grow as a person' should in fact be recognized by the rest of my gender as symptomatic of the terrifying potential harm that this network's offerings represent to the species.  

The fact that I'm not currently seeing anyone (and admitting that publicly as well), adds insult to injury by forcing me to watch this "Groundhog Day" programming schedule by myself.  The entire situation is serious enough that I've actually begun to fear future retention of my 'Man Card'.  Heaven help me, but it's lately gotten so bad as to find me writing down late night tear-stained 'Post-It' notes with the URLs of dating websites in a desperate (and mostly pathetic) search to re-create the happy ending from the most recently viewed cinematic effort.  (Fortunately, I come to my senses in the morning; belch, fart, scratch myself, and run such notes through a paper shredder immediately afterward.)

So if you're out there Time-Warner, I'm begging you!  Please give me back ESPN or Spike TV and allow me to return to my former (and mostly insensitive) nature.  Stop taunting me with the choice between the cable upgrade required to allow me to view the manly TV I long for and the prescription medications that I require to survive.  Don't force me to replace the take-out and microwavable high in salt, high in trans fat meals that I usually consume in front of the TV set watching football games with the Dog Food that the government and mainstream media have threatened me with for years as the only way I will have left to make ends meet.  

Come to think of it, don't force me to begin a letter-writing campaign to my Congressman or Senator with desperate appeals for greater government regulation in the cable industry at the very least; or better still, Cable TV subsidizing.  (Isn't full cable a right in this country, after all!) 

While there's more that I'd like to say on the subject, right now I'm feeling a little too emotional to properly express myself.  Besides, "The Santa Suit" with former "Hercules" star Kevin Sorbo is about to come on the Hallmark Channel, and (sniff, sniff) I don't want to miss it.   


1 comment:

Daniel Efosa Uyi said...

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keep up the good work.