Halloween Costumes - 2013

While this effort has already been picked up by the Toledo Free Press with both it's local Toledo-oriented entries as well as National suggestions,  I thought that it would be worthwhile however for those who might not understand the local  Glass City references to post only those costume ideas that had national implications here.  Besides, there always seems to be additions to this annual effort as the week of its  creation progresses (as a matter of fact, additions have already been made since this was originally posted.), and the TFP has both space and modification restrictions that must be respected.  If you check back later this week therefore, you're likely to discover additions to this entry that you missed earlier.  

Here is the link to the Toledo Free Press website effort that includes the Toledo specific entries as well as most of the national ones.

Halloween is almost upon us, though there's still plenty of time to choose a costume. For those of you who remain 'costume-challenged' for this all-important candy grab however, we here at “Just Blowing Smoke” have once again come up with our annual list of politically-oriented (and politically incorrect) suggestions that could make you the hit of your neighborhood, if not a viral source of public ridicule on Facebook and YouTube.
 

• Place some orange cones on your driveway and install a flimsy gate across the sidewalk leading to your front door with a broken lock and a newly painted 'Closed' sign hanging from it. Leave your porch light on however to encourage participants to push past these feeble barriers. When revelers ring the bell and say 'Trick or Treat', tell them they shouldn't be there but give them candy anyway. If asked about this apparently contradictory behavior, tell them you're the National Park Service.
• Take a big piece of plastic sheeting and paint a wavy blue line across it.  Wrap it around yourself and fasten it together; then make your neighborhood begging rounds.  When asked, tell them that you're a glass, and you think you're half-empty.  What do they think?
• Wear a nice suit and.Trick or Treat from door to door while weeping and mumbling logically contradictory statements on the state of the nation and laws that should be passed as if nobody is listening (they won't be). When asked, wipe a tear from your eye and stammer 'God bless America', before telling them you are Speaker of the House John Boehner. 
• Trick or Treat from door to door, carrying either a recently minted dog turd or freshly filled diaper to sniff right before the door is answered. When residents note your pinched, rather constipated expression and ask about your costume, tell them you are Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and refuse to accept any candy they offer you.
• Wear a piece of poster board on your chest with the neatly printed words: “We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by ...” as you walk your neighborhood route. When asked, tell them that you are the 'Affordable Healthcare Website', take their candy, and apologize for not being able to give them anything in return; requesting that they try again later (after all, it's settled law) before moving on.
• Trick or Treat from door to door spouting the most wild, illogical, and even insane beliefs about the news at the top of your voice; making sure to periodically blame Republicans as the cause of the world's ills. When asked, tell them you're a show host for MSNBC.
• Trick or Treat the neighborhood and give the normal greeting when the door is answered. When homeowners attempt to speak however, interrupt their attempts to do so as foolish while disparagingly insisting that you know best about everything and insist that you are only taking their candy 'for the folks'. You will, of course, be masquerading as Fox News host Bill O'Reilly; and should be ashamed of yourself for providing him even that much attention.
• Wear whatever you want in while making your Trick or Treat rounds.  When asked who you're supposed to be and what you've done, tell them you're a member of the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW). When they explain that they don't know who that is, tell them that neither does anyone else, but that you're charged with cleaning up the poison gas in Syria and that you haven't actually done much of anything yet ... except for winning this year's Nobel Peace Prize.  
• Come to think of it, if you would like to Trick or Treat your neighborhood in a formal tuxedo with tails and can speak with a Norwegian or Swedish accent (I use the Swedish cook one from Sesame Street), you can go as a member of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee.  When they answer the door, give them one of the little blue ribbons you'll need to carry and explain that these days you're giving out the prize to damn near anyone whether they've ever done anything or not.  
• Wear something business casual and carry a clipboard full of computer printouts, along with your 'Trick or Treat' bag.  When homeowners answer the door, page through the list 'harrumphing', while telling them you're from the NSA and they shouldn't feel obligated to give you a special reward not to release the information they've gathered on you. 
• Kick a can from house to house on your Trick or Treat route and lethargically hold out your bag when the door is answered.  If questioned on your costume or your lousy attitude, tell homeowners you're a member of the new Congressional Budget Conference Committee and you're as optimistic of success in your coming Congressional efforts as you are of getting $20 bills from them for a 'Treat'.
• Drag out that old zombie costume from your 'Thriller' days but carry around a newspaper delivery bag instead of a Trick or Treat bag.  When those on your route ask about your costume, you might have to explain that it's the daily newspaper and not the carrier who's all but dead; but most will get the message. 
• If you want to really scare everyone however, you may dress however you'd like and carry a sign around your neck with the old Ronald Reagan quote about "the nine most terrifying words in the English language":  "We're from the government and were here to help."
• Wear a pair of jeans, flannel shirt, and cowboy hat; while also wearing President Obama masque on your 'Trick or Treat' rounds.  When asked, tell them that you are an out-of-work rodeo clown.  
• Walk your neighborhood in whatever you'd like and when the houses in the neighborhood answer their doors, mumble "Trick or Treat" in a disgruntled voice.  When asked about your attitude and costume (or lack of it), tell them that you are a non-essential federal employee, and were much happier when still at home watching "The View" on the shutdown's paid vacation.
  (By the way those of you actually capable of doing this should be ashamed ... not for enjoying the paid vacation, but of watching "The View".)
• Refuse to dress up, Trick or Treat, or decorate your house for Halloween; but buy a bunch of candy and leave your porch light on to encourage neighborhood participation in the festivities. When Trick or Treaters arrive, smile and engage them pleasantly, but refuse to give them any of the clearly visible candy you possess. When asked about this apparent contradiction, tell them you're a member of Congress and you're intention is to keep all the goodies for yourself.

Welcome to Holiday Desolation

We may not be even two weeks into the new year, but for those of you who haven't noticed it, we are firmly into the season of Holiday Desolation.  It's not really fair when you come to think of it, especially when you consider that we end each year with four of the biggest holidays.  

Halloween in October is fast becoming the biggest holiday of the year in terms of the decorations that we buy (especially when you add in the personal decorations, better known as costumes).  Add in what we spend on candy for the rug rats, and it's likewise becoming one of the most expensive holidays of the year.

Thanksgiving follows just four weeks later (depending on the vagaries of the calendar and the municipal trick-or-treat rules); and earns its credentials not only through sheer caloric intake, but through bringing families together once a year long enough to remind them of why they don't do so any other time of the year.  Having spent the past couple of weeks gorging ourselves on chocolate confections left over from the previous holiday (mostly because we again forgot to turn the porch light on and let the little beggars know we were open for business), we can now look forward to tryptophan induced somnolence while likewise over-indulging in parades and football games.

Following again just four weeks later is the grandaddy of them all, Christmas.  It's that one that Lucy defines all too aptly in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as:  "You know, Santa Claus and ho-ho-ho, and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls."  It's the holiday upon which greedy capitalism reaches its excessive real-life realization, not through the necessity of buying Lucy her hearts desire; but through those, "He went to Jared's" efforts that a man makes on his way home from the Lexus dealership.  After all, what way is there to celebrate a pagan, religious, and secular holiday than through automobiles and coal (wait, I thought only bad people got that) which gets put through enormous pressure and temperature (kind of like the credit card payments afterwards).  

Lest we think that rest is ahead, exactly one week later we're joined by an old guy thinking he's at a college toga party and a baby wearing a diaper, black tie, and a top hat informing us that it's last call and extolling us to have just one more cocktail in the hopes that we can spend the first day of the new year trying to get someone to bail us out of jail.  Then what?    

After celebrating for the last three months straight, what do we get in January?  Well there's Inauguration Day, but it's a politician's holiday celebrated only by the people who voted for the guy being inaugurated.  The only people who get the day off are politicians in Washington DC; with exception of incoming president, who has to take an oath and give a speech.  Martin Luther King Jr Day makes an appearance on the day after this year (which is curiously also celebrated as Robert E Lee's Birthday in AL, AR, GA, and MS), but as of yet this holiday barely rates a mattress sale.  (It's not a real holiday if there's not a mattress sale.)   But that's it for the month .... nothin'.

It picks up slightly in February with a ridiculous holiday about a weather-predicting rodent in a town in PA that 98% of Americans couldn't spell without looking it up.  If it weren't for Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell effort (and my son's coming nuptials), few if any would care about it now.  Then along comes yet another New Year, the Chinese New Year (after Jan 1 and the Orthodox New Year); followed by Lincoln's Birthday, which was so important that we've recently dropped it like a bad habit to combine it with Washington's birthday in some meaningless thing called 'President's Day'.  Of course there's always Mardi Gras, but only if you happen to be in the right part of the South. over-serve yourself, and trade the beads that we used to be able to buy entire islands for (like Manhattan) for the glandular exposure that we used to see in National Geographic. (Who may have been the same people we bought the islands from.)

Of course there is one possible holiday entrant in February, Valentine's Day.  Originally named for one of the two Catholic saints of the same name (nobody's sure which),  it has now become little more than a 'Hallmark Holiday" of love and romance in which cards, candy, and of course vast quantities of jewelry are purchased by men for women to make up for the really crappy things that they will undoubtedly do the to them rest of the year.  In a rather twisted association, this day of amorous behavior is also remembered for the 1929 massacre of seven mob guys, allegedly by members of Al Capone's social circle who were apparently not all that fond of them.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I must point out that I married my first wife on a Valentines Day.  I deny the conjecture that has since arisen that I did so in order to avoid having to purchase both a Valentine and Anniversary gift annually; and wish to state that I did so only because a was young, innocent, and a sentimental slob at the time.  I can further state for the record that I am no longer .... young.

With that, February has nothing further to contribute.  Neither does March for that matter.  Oh sure some of the more favored celebrate my granddaughters birthday on the same day that they let everybody dress up in green on the 17th to celebrate an Irish saint that was actually English (Ireland was too poor at the time to afford its own saints).  In a twisted US observance, green Budweiser and Miller is consumed in practices which would in fact considered sacrilege on Emerald Isle. (Drinking Budweiser and Miller is only a venal sin, but dying it green in a misguided effort to make it sacramental or palatable in some way however makes such a sin a mortal one indeed.)  It's not until the end of the month when another pagan holiday that's been co-opted by a religious holiday is celebrated as a secular holiday (confusing, isn't it?) that we get our first real break in the month's of long monotony.  It's the end of May however before we once more resume normal holiday observances (I refuse to accept Cinco de Mayo, Arbor Day, or April 15th's Tax Day). 

Personally, I find the whole concept ridiculous.  What better time to reward citizens and improve their state of mind than with holidays during the gray days of winter.  When are breaks from the mindless tedium of everyday existence required more than during the time of year when we are weary from shoveling snow, depressed from the lack of daylight, and all but suicidal from having filled out our income tax forms.  But no, in typically misguided government fashion, we get far more mandated days off when the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the weather is warm.  

You know, perhaps we could get Congress to pass a law mandating a holiday during this period of holiday desolation.  Who better than they to pass something truly pointless for no better reason than to win approval from voters that who think less favorably of them than of head lice (understandable, when you consider that you can get rid of head lice).  How about the:  Half-assed Ordinance to Lighten Individual Drudgery Arbitrarily and Yearly Act?


           

Wonderful Time of Year

People always tell me how much they like this time of year ... with pictures of fall leaves to share to prove it.  There are a number of them who go on to regale me with stories of how cute cats are, and especially kittens are.  (Hell, there's an A and E show about puppies and kittens for Cripes sake.) Real life however, seldom if ever meets expectations of any of those cute little pictures.

Now for those of us residing in the Mission, Ks area, fall can be said to have been somewhat of a disappointment.  Annual rainfall this year is down about 14", and even the scattered showers of the last few weeks hasn't been enough to turn most of the mud flats back into lakes, let alone bring out the best in the trees.  As a consequence, Fall lasted from exactly 10:32 AM to 10:44AM on October 22nd this year.  I tried to get some really great pictures of it to share (so I wouldn't have to use this one), but the batteries in my camera were dead and by the time I found new ones and got them changed, it was over.  

As for cats, kittens, or any other form of domestic feline; pictures of them is as close as you will ever see get to them.  I am violently allergic to these pesky little critters in a way that the least amount of exposure brings on something quite akin to anaphylactic shock.  Call them cute if you dare; but as for me, these tiny predators have more than once sent me to a hospital, and have come far too close to ending my life by the simple act of rubbing up against me.

Fall is a grand season however, and one of my favorites.  We discovered it in this part of the world during a 30 degree temperature swing, so I had to seek alternative reasons for such pleasure.  Of course as a news junkie, a political blogger, and a columnist, this is the best part of the pre-election season. one that gives me opportunity to feed most of my addictions.  Who couldn't help but love the final weeks leading up to voting, where campaign travel and stress turn all but the hardiest candidates into gaffe machines, intent on ruining their political careers into the dumper during the very process of promoting themselves.  My current favorite is the Obama campaign's message given by HBO's Lena Dunham that 'Virgins' (first time voters), should be careful picking their 'first' (candidate for president to vote for).  The wealth of material in this as a Democratic subliminal message is incredible whether one looks back at the sexual antics of Bill Clinton or simply points out that most if not all incumbent Presidents have been screwing the whole country for almost four years; an indication that you might want your first to be a little less promiscuous (or at least wear the protection handed out at school).

Such bounty is not without peril however, as these politicians attempt to bury us under their last minute political commercials.  Oh, it's not as bad here in the wilds of Kansas (a state where even Democrats say they're conservative); but I pity my poor friends in Ohio or any other battleground state for that matter.  My advice to you is to make sure that you have fresh batteries in you TV remotes, and use DVR's whenever possible.

Of course, this is also the time of year when Halloween occurs; a time in which everyday people get to dress up, put on masks, and beg.  (Come to think of it, it really is a lot like political campaign season.)  Having been born and raised in the Chicago area under the first Mayor Daley, I'm one who's long accustomed to the dead rising from the grave at this time of year, walking the streets attempting to find brains, begging for a bit of candy, and finally casting their ballot before being able to 'Rest In Peace' once more (at least until the next election).  

But while some things have remained the same, a lot has changed since those prehistoric days of my youth.  No longer are neighborhood rampages committed by barely pubescent youth; with homeowners trying to remove toilet paper hanging from the trees and scrub the eggs from their windshields, and put out the fires of lighted bags of crap on their front porches.  Groceries are too expensive to be treated as ammunition these days, TP is too expensive even if you buy it in the Mega-rolls, and if you've got something that you can burn that will provide heat, you better save it to cut down on you heating bills. Besides, what kid (or group of them) can afford the gas required to ride around the block, let along the neighborhood.  Even when not planning on wearing a costume, one cannot help but see Halloween as a time of year when an overweight, middle-aged man (I know I'm giving myself a break here) can go to a store and buy four bags of 'Snickers' or 'Kit Kats' without receiving too many sidelong looks at the register.  One can perform this action of gross caloric neglect, muttering some nonsense about 'Beggars Night', secure in the knowledge that the checkout clerks are unaware that the apartment complex does not allow 'trick or treating'.  (As for myself, I merely say that I am stocking up on non-perishable food items that may even become a form or currency after Taxameggedon or the Zombie Apocalypse while I'm taking full advantage of the stockpiling opportunity.)

It also used to be a great time of year to sit down and watch scary movies, but that's become a rather mixed bag these days.  In spite of the fact that there are ten or twenty channels bragging about showing them, most of the Horror movies on them seem to consist of about 5 percent classic horror pictures and 92 percent semi-cheesy zombie flicks.  In the latter, it's hard to tell one from the other, as the zombie makeup all begins to look the same, and the plot consists of a group of people (normally consisting of at least one hot girl, an equally hot guy, a knowledgeable nerd, and a couple of senior citizens or kids) running from the zombies and losing parts of the group as they go along.  Of the classic horror movies, most suffer now by comparison with their Computer Graphic filled descendants.  'Frankenstein' and the Bela Lugosi's 'Dracula' do well enough, but 'The Wolfman' does little but prove that Lon Chaney Jr was not as good an actor as his dad, and the whole 'bats on strings thing' make the rest trying to capitalize on the title look tragically comic rather than frightening at times.

For those of you who didn't take your math classes at public school, you'll notice that the numbers don't add up.  That of course is because they don't ... unless you include the current crop of Vampire Love stories.  Of course Bram Stoker's version of the blood sucker was a bit racy for the time, but Anne Rice's 'Interview With a Vampire' gets credit for the now-popular trend.  Most of today's vampires are seen as tragic characters with pale skin and good hair, doomed to live forever looking like a male model, while being forced to turn down every hot chick that sets eyes upon them. (Can you say Twilight?)  Perhaps rewriting 'Romeo and Juliet' with some fangs thrown in sounded like good to entertainment executives who still think that Will Ferrell's and Adam Sandler's best work is still before them; but I think the difference between today's lovers (living vs undead) might be a bit more complicated than that between the Shakespeare's Montagues and the Capulets.  (And as for the idea of kissing a corpse, no matter attractive a corpse it might be ... Ewwwwwwwwww.)

I can't help but love the season however.  Living in an apartment means that I have no responsibility for the leaves that fell off of the trees faster than anything in a Charlie Brown cartoon.  Anyone brave enough to bring a cat into my presence (jumping through those leaves or otherwise) only does it to see me turn it into 'Wor Su Meow' and served with fried rice.  As for the rest, my intention is to bring the month to a close and open the next one watching as much football as I'm allowed (which is quite a lot actually since being unmarried, I actually do set the TV rules in my home), with some election coverage thrown in during the commercials and at halftime to see who has done something really stupid lately. (Today I found out that the candidates are adjusting their schedules to avoid an incoming storm.  Who knew that they had the sense to come in out of the rain?) When it's too early or late for that, I'm sure that cable TV can be counted on for a few non-zombie / non-vampire love flicks to capture my attention without eating my own brains (that I leave to those in battleground states caught listening to political commercials that escape their remotes).  Oh sure, it may sound a bit boring, but I can always inoculate myself against the pain and suffering by dipping into my Snickers stash.  I wish you equal enjoyment in this wonderful time of year.

   

     

TFP Column(s): Halloween Costumes 2011 / The Perfect Storm

Well it's that time of year again when demons, zombies, and delusional freaks who believe they are super heroes will once more be walking the streets.  Oh sure, you can say that they're just politicians making last ditch attempts to scare up a few votes for next months elections, but quite frankly they terrify the hell out of me.

Far less alarming however, are this year's suggestions for disguises that can be used for garnering the only handouts that do not come from the government these days.  So it was with recently repaired sarcasm and irony keys on my computer and tongue planted firmly in cheek, that the annual "Halloween 2011" costume recommendations was penned for the TFP. 

Of course it's all a bit of harmless Halloween fun ... you know, like lighting bags of dog crap on fire on people's porches (not that I ever did anything like that of course), and a lot easier to clean off of your shoes.

There were even a few costume additions that limitations on column space and time restrictions did not permit me, that I am now able to add here: 

Stand on the porch of the homes you visit with a shoe (or rubber foot) in your mouth.  When asked, tell them you are VP Joe Biden; then quickly shove the item back into place to before you say something else stupid.

Put on your Sunday best, pin a piece of paper with a "1" on it to your clothes, and wear a demonic mask or makeup.  When queried, respond that you are one of the 'evil rich' and don't they wish that they were too.

Women can paint a black eye on while wearing anything else that they choose.  When asked, tell them you are recently returned from Topeka, Kansas; where misdemeanor domestic violence laws were not being prosecuted (and where existing laws for charging this misdemeanor were dropped by the city council) for a day in a rather sad political budget pissing match. 

Wear something business casual and carry a clipboard full of multicolored forms, a stick pen, and a very stern expression.  When asked about your costume, tell them that you are the most dangerous person in the United States (as defined by Ronald Reagan), "someone from the government who's here to help".

Hey listen!  Since the candy being handed out to children as an integral part of this celebration violates every one of the recommended government dietary requirements, I urge all of you to 'Occupy Halloween' by putting the children in your neighborhood in a sugar frenzy that their parents will not soon forget.

If that concept isn't scary enough for you however, try this one on for size:

What might happen if those in the 'Occupy' movement, keen on taking bankers and Wall Street villains to task, come to realize that it's the government regulations and regulators that are really to blame for rigging the game.  Then add in the righteous (and more well organized) indignation of the TEA Party movement that has likewise come to realize that the enemy, if there is one, is the faceless bureaucrat who regulates their every moment and the legislator who ceded his Constitutionally mandated power to a bunch unelected government courtiers and sycophants.

What it meant to me at least, is the possibility that the best and brightest from the two groups might begin to recognize their power and come together in "The Perfect Storm" thirteen months before the next big election.

Of course what this means is that after an absence of a couple of weeks, you will find not one, but two efforts of mine in this weekend's Toledo Free Press.  (There's even an ugly rumor going around that the Halloween costume bit will appear in the print edition this week as well.)   

As always however, there is far more and far better to be found in the pages of this weekend's edition and some exclusively on the TFP website.  I therefore urge you to spend a little time catching up on everything else that's going on in Toledo and Northwest Ohio this weekend with Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and what's recognized as Ohio's Best Weekly Newspaper, the Toledo Free Press.

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Halloween Costumes 2010

Halloween is once more almost upon us, and in the final days leading up to it I have been asked once again (well,kind of asked anyway) to submit my suggestions for timely, effective, and often inexpensive Halloween costumes for this year's celebrations. Like political commercials designed to influence the undecided (and generally annoy the hell out of people), hopefully the ideas here will indeed infuriate, while helping those who remain yet uncommitted to a final disguise decision.

• (Women) Dress in an orange jumpsuit, get passing out drunk, and tell everyone that you're Lindsay Lohan and have just escaped from rehab again.
• (Men - not to be left out of the fun) Put on a Scottish kilt, a leather jacket, and an army helmet; get stinking drunk, and tell them that you're Mel Gibson and that they are all assholes.
• Dress up as President Obama and tell all of the kids Trick or Treating that the lousy candy that they're getting this year is the fault of George Bush and the Republicans.
• Dress up in a flannel shirt, jeans, and a Canadian Tuque (knit cap). When asked, tell them you are Randy Quaid and that someone's trying to kill you.
• Knock on every door and insist that every person participate in the Halloween festivities whether they want to or not. When they ask, tell them you are Congress and you just passed a law mandating it.
• If you are a senior citizen, dress up in a football uniform with a #4 jersey (Packers, Jets, and Vikings uniforms will all do). When anyone asks, tell them you are Brett Favre, cry a little, and say that you are never going to quit Trick or Treating, ever ... then ask to borrow a cell phone.
• Dress in your Sunday finest and wear the plastic smiling mask from a theater on your face. When asked, tell them you are one of the many Republicans running for office expecting to be swept in on the tidal wave of voter support.
• Women can use the alternative of also using their Sunday best, but adding the plastic frown face masque from any theater. When asked, tell them that you're current Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and just realized that next year you're going to have to go back to flying coach cross-country to get home.
• Wear anything that you like, and Trick or Treat houses in the Toledo area; but refuse all offers of candy, asking for cash instead. If asked (and you will be) simply tell them that you are TARTA (the local bus system) or TPS (the local school system), and once again in financial straits.
• Dress up in an inflatable sumo suit, then cover that with the largest and most hideous suit and tie that you can find (to keep anyone from thinking that you're going as Jabba the Hutt). When anyone asks, you can answer Michael Moore or Dick Morris, depending which side of the political spectrum you find more whorish and detestable. (In Dick's case, perhaps both.)
• For those of you who plan to stay home to greet your costumed guests, I recommend putting on a suit and tie and after greeting your tiny guests, ask them who they are dressed as. When they try to answer, interrupt them before they can finish. When asked about your own costume, you can pick from Fox News analysts Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity.
• If you're Congressional candidate in NW Ohio Rich Iott, don't dress up at all. If you've learned anything in recent days, it's that you shouldn't be playing dress up if you want to run for political office.

I know it's been a bad year this year, but you can still do your part to help the dismal retail numbers out there by buying far more candy than you need for the weekend's festivities. Not only will you be helping the economy by your efforts, but few things can make a person feel better about themselves than the endorphins (chemicals your brain produces) released when you're gorging on huge quantities of chocolate. This method of personal satisfaction will also likely keep you from attempting to steal the required mood swing treats from your childrens' bags.

Have a great Halloween!

Ban Halloween!

How long will it be before a government bent on domination of personal behavior and convinced of the need to protect us from our inability to make good choices for ourselves or our children, ends Halloween as a detriment to public health? How long before the religious implications of the holiday (both Christian and pagan) force this holiday off of school calendars and city observances? How long will the government permit the handing out out high sugar treats to our obese young people as a reward for already tragically bad behavior? 

Far-fetched you say. Well, last year Belleville, IL banned trick or treating for teenagers, apparently to protect residents from these unruly youth. The New York City education department has recently passed a school regulation banning fund raising through bake sales for such sugary treats as cupcakes in order to protect our obese children from the temptation to indulge in such calorically challenging goods. Mayor Bloomberg and his health commissioner Thomas Freiden have separately called for a tax on soda with sugar in it. The Ft Worth Independent School District banned Halloween costumes at football games played that weekend. Dunkard Township in Pennsylvania (near Pittsburgh) has in fact banned Trick or Treating completely, choosing instead to hold a party at a local fire station. 

Now for those of you thinking that we don't need to ban the holiday, but only the type of treats passed out, think again. Justify this conclusion based on the concept that popcorn balls, apples, or fruits and vegetables of some kind might substitute for these sweet treats if you can; but keep in mind the X-ray machines operating in hospitals on Halloween to insure a lack of metal in the goody bags. Watch as parents throw away anything that children bring home that is not hermetically enclosed in its original factory-sealed wrapper. 

No, unless we are talking about the limited selection of pre-packed and dried foods (yeah, I got those little boxes of raisins when I was a kid too), there is little to qualify in this regard. Besides, think of the economic impact to candy companies that could well be considered "too big to fail". You know come to think of it, the only advantage that I can see to this holiday in the eyes of an increasingly intrusive progressive government is that it rewards the behavior of public dependency, better known as begging (something that it increasingly appears that they support). 

The only up side to Halloween behavior is that people (well young people anyway) are trained by this holiday to demand a reward for no other reason than looking like something other than themselves under threat of dire consequences if such reward is not delivered. As for those of an opposite political view, the practice of Halloween Trick or Treating might be viewed by those on the political right as a continuing reinforcement of a system of government behavior modification, intent on creating a dependent society. 

While they may have something on the whole government dependency part, I'm not sure that Halloween is as guilty as a national legislature that sees the continuance of its own privilege being dependent on the handing out of 'treats' to the voting public year round (and without the costumes). Either way you look at it however, the behavior of young people dressing in costume and parading around neighborhood streets in search of mischief or chocolate confections one night a year seems doomed. 

No matter which point of view you take on the subject or where you stand in the political spectrum, it seems that whoever is in control will eventually have to ban Halloween as an abhorrent practice. (If the arguments presented here do not convince government to close down this despicable practice, perhaps the picture above certainly should.)
 

TFP Column: Halloween Costumes 2009

 
As those of you who follow "Just Blowing Smoke" know, every year around this time I publish a list of humorous Halloween costumes with a slightly political slant. (OK, I find them kind of funny anyway.) 

This year, I decided to try something just a bit different. There will in fact be a posting on Halloween tomorrow, but my costume list this year will instead be my column for the Toledo Free Press. It is something that Michael Miller and I have talked about from time to time, and this year he gave in to me on it (probably in order to make me quit badgering him). 

This is one of the annual efforts that I most look forward to and I hope you enjoy it as well. As always, there is much more of far greater worth in every Toledo Free Press; and with this being the edition before the November election, even more so. 

So tomorrow when you are sitting next to the candy bowl and attempting to find excuses not to dip into it while waiting for those cute little kids to show up on your doorstep (or the mean little buggers that always show up at Casa de la Higgins), keep your copy of the TFP handy to occupy both your mind and your hands. Your waistline will thank you.

The Shopping Days of Halloween

Oh how I love these days leading up to Halloween. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I plan to go out and Trick or Treat the neighborhood (even without a costume, that prospect is simply too frightening to contemplate). No, I am enamored of this period because of the shopping days of Halloween. 

You see, having long ago decided on an annual costume, I am free to peruse other delights. I can wander the aisles endlessly in search of the treasures of Halloween. I can gaze longingly at Snickers, Milky Ways, and Three Musketeers. I can remember with joy the times when I could stuff my face with Nestles Crunch, Butterfingers, and Baby Ruth bars. I can even think back to the days when Popcorn balls and taffy apples could be handed out without handling them with Hazmat suits or run through X-ray machines before consuming them. (I can also sneer at the little boxes of fruit that some still attempt to substitute for the real goodies.) 

Heck, I'll even spend a few minutes noticing the current crop of "decorations made easy" for houses these days, full of inflatable pumpkins and pre-formed spider webs. Finally I will falsely admire the current trends in kiddy costumes and how politically correct they look with massive eyeholes for proper vision and special luminescent colors to insure that they can be seen from space. 

The bottom line however, is that this is the only time of the year when I can run two or three bags of these sugar-filled goodies past the check out staff at the store without getting a raised eyebrow in the direction of my waistline. It is only time that by telling myself that I must prepare for the arrival of cute little munchkins in costume that I can attempt to fool my conscience over their purchase. 

To be brutally honest, it's the only time when I have the excuse of potentially handing these politically incorrect treats out to already obese children that I can replenish my stash of ill-gotten sweets. Of course those who know me well know that the lights will be out on Halloween at my house, and quietly sitting in the dark in the middle of some completely lame horror film festival, amidst a growing pile of empty wrappers, and will be occasionally be unobtrusively and nibbling on these unrequired holiday donations in almost tearful admission of my long standing addiction to these confections. 

Riddled with guilt, I will nevertheless spare those calorically challenged children from the horrors of what I see in the mirror every day. Caught up in a chocolate-filled ecstasy, I will mourn the days of my youth and the thrill of discovering the unknown treats from a hard nights work of begging door-to-door. While there are yet two weeks to go however, I will simply be enjoying the shopping days of Halloween. 
 
(For those of you who just can't stand not knowing, the annual costume hanging in my closet is a monk's robe that I purchased some time back. Not only does it adequately cover all that should be covered, but in my particular case it also perfectly illustrates the life of poverty and chastity that I have been my pitiful lot recently ...)
 

Halloween Costumes, 2008

I have been asked once again to use my perverse sense of humor on the subject of Halloween costumes. Not being able to resists such requests, I will try to make some last minute suggestions for those of you unable to come up with suitable raiment for your Holiday parties this weekend. 
  

Nationally

• Put on a suit and carry a bucket of fake money, telling people that you are Henry Paulson (Secretary of the Treasury) and giving handouts on the Bailout Plan.
• Wear anything that you like and tell people that you are Bob Barr, Libertarian candidate for president. Hardly anyone knows what he looks like so you won't have a problem.
• Go from house to house with a clipboard and tell people that you are from ACORN, and trying to sign them up to vote.
• Walk the streets, clinging to a toy gun (please make sure that it looks fake) and a Bible and tell them you are from a small town in the Midwest.
• Also from the Midwest (and a tried and true favorite of mine), is to walk the streets in a Cubs uniform. Sympathy for a team that has now not won a World Series in over 100 years should reap rewards.
• Walk around in either a Tennessee Titans or Dallas Cowboys jersey and try and pick a fight with someone at each house. When they ask why, tell them you are Pacman Jones.
• Go from house to house in a Speedo bathing suit, a warm up jacket (especially in my neck of the woods), and a painful expression. When asked, tell them that you are every swimmer who raced against Michael Phelps in the recent Olympics.

Locally In Toledo

• Put on a suit and a fake halo and tell people that you are Ben Konop (Lucas County Commissioner). Carry a bucket of fake money with you and tell those that ask that the money is for their job training.
• Walk the streets pulling wagon loaded with a stuffed dog locked in a cage (Note: the wagon must be left out on the sidewalk while you go to the door without it.) and tell them that you are Mayor Finkbeiner. (If you want to add an extra touch of realism to the costume, you can occasionally throw a coffee cup at someone.)
• Go from house to house the day after Halloween and ask for candy anyway. You can tell them that you are Jon Stainbrook, head of the Lucas County Republican Party, and you have a history of doing things a little late.
• Go from house to house with bag of worn out, broken junk and tell people that you are COSI.
• Carry a marionette from house to house, making your puppet dance from time to time, and tell them that you are John Robinson Block, publisher of the Toledo Blade.
• Get two friends and go from house to house as the "crowd" from an event at the Erie Street Market.
• Attach some fake flowers to your clothes and go as the Reynolds Road entrance to Southwyk Mall.
• The simplest of costumes is always the best, and here locally that is simply to hang a piece of plywood in front and behind you, and tell people that you are a downtown building.

OK, go out there and have some fun; but be careful...

 

Halloween Costumes 2007

As I have previously pointed out in an earlier post "Run and Hide, The Candidates Are Coming", Halloween is just around the corner. That means that many of you may be having trouble deciding on costumes for this last of the pagan holidays. While I claim no expertise in this area; common sense, some degree of insight, and a twisted and perverse sense of humor means that I may have a few suggestions for some of you undecided out there:  

Here In Toledo:

• Any member of City Council (or that of a Lucas County Commissioner for that matter). Such a costume will allow you to take as much as you wish from any household that you visit, since 93% of them don't seem to give a damn who you are or how much you take anyway.
• Mayor Finkbeiner's dog Scout. Walking around with your tongue hanging out and panting, you should engender a great deal of sympathy and might even get something interesting to drink. (Do not wear this costume near city hall however, or you may end up locked in the back of the mayor's car.)
• Bill Dillard, the majority owner of Southwyck Mall. Be careful with this costume, as someone may try and take away your "Trick or Treat" bag through Eminent Domain.
• A downtown storefront. Hey, it's not a great costume, but it is a simple one. All you need is a sheet of plywood in front.
• Larry Dillin, developer. This one is easy. Just do your Trick or Treating at city hall and they will give you millions.

For Those of You Outside the Friendly Confines of My Hometown:

• A Cubs uniform. There ought to be a great deal of sympathy out there for any team that hasn't reached their championship in almost 100 years.
• Rex Grossman, former starting quarterback of the Bears. People will give you all kinds of candy, but you will probably throw it away before you get home.
• Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House. (see Toledo City Council) This costume will also allow you take as much as you want. If anyone questions you, just tell them it's for poor children.
• A "poor child" (Sorry, I know this one is wrong, but I couldn't resist). This costume goes with the Pelosi costume. You may not get any candy, but you will get free health care.
• Bill Gates of Microsoft. You don't have to go out and Trick or Treat in this costume. You already own all of the candy.
• Any second tier presidential candidate. You won't get much out there, but the advantage is that you can look like anything that you want and no one will recognize you anyway.
• Bill Clinton. Everyone will like you and give you something, but you probably won't be allowed to do your rounds near anyone's wife or daughter.
• A smoker. This is actually a version of a martyr's costume. You probably will not get anything in this costume, and won't even be allowed to stand near the doors of the houses you go to. (I didn't say it was a good costume, did I?)
• Hilary Clinton, presidential front-running candidate. This may be the scariest costume of the season, but should allow you to get candy from houses that you haven't even been to through bundling. The only trick to this one is that you have to say "Trick or Treat" and then cackle in a demented fashion.

Just in case you were wondering, I will be the guy out there in the Monk's robes. The life of poverty and chastity that I live these days demands it, and it does allow me to sip a bit of Irish Whiskey during my rounds to keep out the cold.