I was doing a bit of cleaning up the Command Center for the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security after the recent and rather abrupt departure of the staff. Apparently these authorities on uncovering secret information finally discovered that their jobs were no longer necessary only three days after I told them so (for the third time). This Manatee Team of faux covert operations (SEAL was obviously already taken and Manatee fit the staff paradigm more accurately) had an extraction zone pre-arranged, and hung around just long enough to insure that there was 'no bottle left behind'. What they did leave behind however, was one Cheetos-stained dispatch, apparently forgotten in their hasty departure.
Now while I thought about not bothering to pass it on, since what follows looks to be far from a complete list; I do so in the spirit of the Holidays, recognizing that perhaps by posting their final effort (and as our politicians are oh so fond of saying),
Cocktail Weenies: No one really knows what animals these tasty little treats come from, let alone what parts of those animals might be involved; and quite frankly (pun intended) no one wants to know. This ostensible meat product however has become a holiday favorite over the years. This probably has something to do with fact that it can be served in so many ways. Drowned in equally toxic sauce and cooked so long that the surrounding liquid congeals to the consistency of paste, or wrapped in a variety of equally mysterious (and probably unhealthy) substances and baked, it can be served as a blue collar staple by the scoop or daintily displayed on the finest upper crust serving-ware by impaling it upon toothpicks with colorful frills at one end. Do not be distracted by its innocent appearance however (and be careful to apply the untasseled part of the toothpick to the weenie). Not only is there little or no actual food value in this diminutive dog, but recent government funded studies have found it to be little more than a gateway food to dependency on its larger brethren: the Hot Dog, the Brat and Andouille sausage.
Overindulgence carries significant long-term health risks however, usually from one’s spouse. The immature, impolite, and downright stupid behavior committed while under the influence of ‘that demon rum’ will no more likely be forgiven in the spirit of the holiday than they would otherwise. The damage can be significant and reputation rehabilitation process can be a long and painful one.
It should also be noted under this section, that driving while intoxicated can be additionally be damaging and expensive. Not only do you risk spending some or all of your holiday in jail and thereby ruining the occasion for the whole family; but the economic and employment repercussions can be devastating for subsequent year’s holiday celebrations.
While Santa is the spirit of the holiday season in many households, there's no reason to attempt to equal his girth as well as his good cheer. So by all means enjoy your holidays and all the tasty treats of the season; but if for no other reason than the concerns of the DJBSS, please do so in moderation.