For the few of you out there still living within the limitations created by Time-Warner's Basic Cable, the holiday season this year has already taken an alarming turn. Recent reductions in the channel offerings available to those of us unwilling to pay a $100.00 plus monthly cable bill has placed many in a rather precarious position; one that even those of us (like me) with long-time subscriptions to 'Netflix' have yet to come up with a suitable solution for. In fact it sometimes seems that the only channel providing reasonable cable cinematic efforts on TV is the Hallmark Channel.
Don't get me wrong here, I really like to watch movies and normally have no real objection to the 'made for TV' type that represent the common fare on Hallmark Channel. The plots on their films are fairly well written (though sometimes horribly formulaic), the obvious Canadian studio production values of these films are solid, and where else could one go to see all of the great character actors from serial TV and old movies since "The Love Boat" and "Love American Style" went off the air. The problem however, is that since I no longer receive AMC, TMC, TNT, or even the "Sharknado" movie on the ScyFy channel from the friendly folks at my cable company; Hallmark's offerings are damn near the only alternatives available on the channels remaining.
I have therefore been plunged in recent days into a world of non-stop Christmas movies through their current "Countdown to Christmas" schedule. This is bad enough for someone who's long been suffering from a near terminal case SCSS (Santa Claus Similarity Syndrome); but making the symptoms even more tortuous lately are the diabetic-destroying sugar levels in the romance and romantic comedy story lines that are woven into Hallmark's holiday offerings.
Listen, I like my 'chick flicks' as much as any other sports-addicted, chest thumping, Neanderthal, but this expanded exposure to the 'Dark Side' of movie making has gotten completely out of hand. My anxiety over the situation has reached a point where I've had to monitor my sleeping habits; lest I drop off with the TV on and find myself being subliminally programmed with an overdose Christmas spirit and more weepy sensitivity than any member of my gender can willing be asked to contain.
The fact that I'm able, and even willing to write about the recent impact of this not-too-subtle re-programming (brainwashing) should indicate to even the least discerning how ghastly my own personal situation has become. The further admission that this recent exposure has probably allowed me to 'grow as a person' should in fact be recognized by the rest of my gender as symptomatic of the terrifying potential harm that this network's offerings represent to the species.
The fact that I'm not currently seeing anyone (and admitting that publicly as well), adds insult to injury by forcing me to watch this "Groundhog Day" programming schedule by myself. The entire situation is serious enough that I've actually begun to fear future retention of my 'Man Card'. Heaven help me, but it's lately gotten so bad as to find me writing down late night tear-stained 'Post-It' notes with the URLs of dating websites in a desperate (and mostly pathetic) search to re-create the happy ending from the most recently viewed cinematic effort. (Fortunately, I come to my senses in the morning; belch, fart, scratch myself, and run such notes through a paper shredder immediately afterward.)
So if you're out there Time-Warner, I'm begging you! Please give me back ESPN or Spike TV and allow me to return to my former (and mostly insensitive) nature. Stop taunting me with the choice between the cable upgrade required to allow me to view the manly TV I long for and the prescription medications that I require to survive. Don't force me to replace the take-out and microwavable high in salt, high in trans fat meals that I usually consume in front of the TV set watching football games with the Dog Food that the government and mainstream media have threatened me with for years as the only way I will have left to make ends meet.
Come to think of it, don't force me to begin a letter-writing campaign to my Congressman or Senator with desperate appeals for greater government regulation in the cable industry at the very least; or better still, Cable TV subsidizing. (Isn't full cable a right in this country, after all!)
While there's more that I'd like to say on the subject, right now I'm feeling a little too emotional to properly express myself. Besides, "The Santa Suit" with former "Hercules" star Kevin Sorbo is about to come on the Hallmark Channel, and (sniff, sniff) I don't want to miss it.
(I know that the weekend rant is a bit late this weekend, but some of this is harder to write that others.)
For those of you hormonally imbalanced from eating leftover Halloween candy or too charged with adrenaline from the election results to notice, it has officially become the Holiday season. While many may complain that Thanksgiving gets a rather short shrift in this process, I don't find the couple of weeks accorded to a turkey and the Pilgrims a big problem on our way to the fat guy with a white beard taking center state (and no, the personal resemblance has nothing to do with this attitude .... at least as far as you know).
In fact, I choose to lump this multiple holiday period together into one big "happy happy time" of over-the-top emotions that must be fought with all of the strength that a over weight, gray-haired, stogie-smoking Curmudgeon possesses. After all, the kids are grown and moved away (and the fact that I did as much or more of the moving is besides the point), the grand kids went where the kids did (which for some reason they tend to do), and there is no significant other currently in my life. (This last of course, is a subject on which a posting of its own could be written, but that would in fact be another post and not this one.) So as the holiday season comes into full bloom, it's my hand on the TV remote, with none to complain or compete when it comes to channel selection. As the title of this post suggests, this mastery of my digital world inevitably lead down a path of sentimental pap.
Because in spite of what I at least would consider my nature, I have found myself increasingly and surprisingly dialed in on offerings from the Hallmark Channel. Unlike many other networks who have long abandoned the callings of their network names in favor of low-budget, no-plot reality shows, the Hallmark Channel has remained true to delivering a product in keeping with their line of cards (you know, sentimental crap for all occasions). We are not talking about Cecil B DeMille cinematic efforts of legendary proportion here, but the made-for-TV movies that these are the offspring of. What we see are TV sitcom stars whose careers apparently disappeared when their shows departed returning for efforts in the way they used to for "Love Boat" episodes. All of which are obviously being filmed in Canada with the same cast of supporting players as every other Hallmark movie (and a lot of the non-network dramas) because it's cheaper to film in Vancouver, BC than in NYC in spite of the fact that the exchange rate has gone the other way. The generate a suprising number of offerings with a small book of cookie cutter plots that though formulaic, have not completely lost their appeal.
There are no car crashes except tragic ones that lead to lost loved ones, and no car chases except those to reach an airport or train station before a newly-found or rediscovered loved one departs. There is little violence and less nudity, though the actors are certainly still attractive enough to pull it off. There's always a hint of comedy and a dose of drama on which these tales are based; with the supposed cliffhanger ending being one in which everyone in the the fictional community (and the audience) knows that the star-crossed lovers are going to reunite before they do. In other words it's schmaltz, pure and simple.
And yet it serves its purpose in this crazy world of ours today. This is the entertainment the way most of us my age remember it. It's where family is everything and the good guys always wins. It's where the right guy gets the girl, and where love and the holiday spirit always triumph. Now most of us today are going into a period where we may not be able to be with our families that way that we'd like, where holidays are often a time of greater stress, and where being alone is simply something that must be borne. Aren't these times where such diversions are the true meaning of entertainment? While the knowledge is ever-present that the world can be a bad place and is certainly not as simple as stories we love to watch, isn't their very presence something that helps to give us a little hope and the strength to go on? Isn't an underlying belief in their positive nature something that we hope lies at the heart of every one of us? For even if the world cannot be the these movies portray, isn't it still necessary for us to believe so?
And so as the Holiday Season begins, you will have to forgive me my occasional retreat into "Good Witch" marathons and the all-day Christmas specials already playing in this Norman Rockwell cable TV world. It's hard enough to face today's all-too-harsh realities without allowing one's self to be occasionally diverted by such optimistic fiction. It may be true that underneath this cranky old, stogie smoking Curmudgeon is in fact another one that's even worse; but apparently somewhere deep underneath all of that lies little more that another Sentimental Schmuck.
For the few of you out there still living within the limitations created by Time-Warner's Basic Cable, the holiday season this year has already taken an alarming turn. Recent reductions in the channel offerings available to those of us unwilling to pay a $100.00 plus monthly cable bill has placed many in a rather precarious position; one that even those of us (like me) with long-time subscriptions to 'Netflix' have yet to come up with a suitable solution for. In fact it sometimes seems that the only channel providing reasonable cable cinematic efforts on TV is the Hallmark Channel.
