Time To Ban Thanksgiving

I decided that rather than attempt to come up with something especially fitting, amusing, and /or really original (well, as original as I'm able to anyway); I would instead attempt to foist off on you one of my previous efforts out of sheer laziness.  In my own defense, I did make some changes to this effort, but that's because the original was so poorly written that shame forced me to do so.  Be aware before going on, that considerable sarcasm awaits you!

Thanksgiving will be celebrated tomorrow, as it is on the last  Thursday in November every year (though not the original fourth). In theory, we will commemorate what was three days of feasting with one day of binging, in order to celebrate the voyage of an early group of colonists who traveled nine weeks from Plymouth, England only to coincidentally find themselves in Plymouth, Massachusetts. (Coincidence ... yeah, right.  It's a conspiracy!)  

Many died on the voyage over from disease and hunger, and more still in the harsh winter that followed. (Evidently Al Gore hadn't let them in on Global Warming yet.)  When the spring of 1621 came however, the newcomers planted what they could in land cleared with help of the local indigenous population (who had no idea that's who they were), and with the following fall's harvest they chose to celebrate their good fortune.  Though we now repeat their celebration annually, it was a tradition they themselves never repeated.

Almost 400 years later however, the idea of maintaining a holiday based on the one-time celebration by a bunch of white people seems doomed from the start; and only becomes slightly more palatable (pun intended) if we can give some credit to these 'Pilgrims' for inviting their Native Americans saviors to the party.  (Of course, they probably made them bring most of the food.)  

Consider as well, that while the Waupanoag tribe were largely the architects of this colony's survival; these same Native Americans were, like most others in this country, later driven from their homes and the greater part of their lands by the greedy colonists whose lives they'd saved ... hardly something to remember with pride.  Only adding to the historic difficulty involved with the holiday is finding reasons to celebrate the culture and traditions of the same people who would only 70 years later give us the witch burnings in Salem. 

Speaking of arcane rituals, Thanksgiving has always been considered a semi-religious holiday, since its original purpose for coming into being was to allow these religious refugees from England to thank their GOD for bringing them through the illness and privation of the previous year; and we know how popular religious holidays are in this country.  Adding insult to injury (much like the holiday that follows), the religious nature of this celebration involves thanking only a Christian God; showing a massive insensitivity by ignoring the practices of their Native-American guests, among others. 

Quite frankly, it's amazing that there are not atheist groups across the fruited plain demanding that Pilgrim and Turkey displays on government property be taken down as violations of the separation of Church and State.  (I have more to say on this subject, but not here or today.)   How anyone can consider continuing a national holiday with religious overtones that ignores both the cultural and religious diversity that has become so dear to the progressive ruling elite of this country is beyond me. 

But if all of this typical, well-documented, and disgraceful history were not enough to put this celebration in jeopardy; consider instead the treatment afforded the main course of this so-called holiday ... the Turkey.  Now Turkeys, for those of you who don't know your history, came within a hair (OK, a feather) of becoming the symbol of these United States. They were supported in this effort by no less than Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, who considered the eagle as being little more than a dandified vulture. The turkey is not the brightest of birds however (perhaps adding to its suitability as a national symbol by today's standards), though it does have a couple of rather interesting traits.  Not only does the male seek its mate by showing them its butt (in humans apparently, the trait is reversed), but this bird is also know for being fearless (or stupid) in the face of being shot at.  (Remember however, that these were the days before the 2nd Amendment or gun control.)     

Modern medicine, of course, could easily also demand the end of the Thanksgiving holiday for no other reason than the life-threatening caloric abuses carried out in its name.  The traditional menu in fact exposes the public to a naturally narcotic substance (tryptophan), which often induces sleep in humans. (Much like the speeches in the election season which immediately precedes it.)  This begs the question of how a government attempting to take over healthcare of its citizens can allow them to be exposed to such a toxic substance (turkeys I mean, not politicians).  Any minor compensation for the consumption of turkey (the other, other, white meat) over its more deadly alternative of the red variety is far outweighed (literally and figuratively) by the chemically induced somnolence that follows a morning dedicated to the idleness of endless parade watching, followed by an epoch period of Thursday afternoon quarterbacking.  For many, the only holiday exercise apparently permitted is by thumbs manipulating smart phones for fantasy football league results.  

The fact that a single bird is pardoned each year by the President (Yet another religious symbol if you can you say Barabbas.), should be a source of national shame as PETA stands all but idly by while thousands of our tasty animal friends are disposed of (probably inhumanely and after 'aggressive interrogation') in the name of a holiday devoted to supposedly "thanking" the Deity that put these gentle creatures here in the first place.

Of course one might expect little more of something that, while first celebrated by our first president, was not seen as an official national holiday until 1863 as a political expediency to divert attention from the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.  (Apparently no one remembers that Lincoln was, after all, an evil Republican). 

Today of course, it's easy to see now that the rampant gluttony and consumerism it exemplifies to be something typical of capitalism's staunchest supporters. Consumerism's greatest celebration, 'Black Friday', now not only follows, but has expanded so far as to encroach on the holiday itself, making it little more than a day of capitalist celebration, propaganda, and profit taking.  Far too many this year will be pushing themselves back from the table (assuming that they still actually can), only to begin the full contact shopping and unbridled consumerism of Christmas.  Far too many will gleefully abandon family gatherings for no better reason than a deal on a 60" 'smart' TV (with 3D of course) that will find itself under their own tree. 

We must therefore ask ourselves; what in the end has the Thanksgiving holiday in this country become and why should it continue.  Facts seem to indicate that like so much else of what goes on in this country, it's nothing more than a festival featuring the unwarranted murder of our fellow creatures under the guise of celebrating racism, gluttony, and the onset of soul-sucking consumerism.  As such, it no longer has a place in the caring, politically correct, and progressive society that we apparently long to become in this the 21st Century and should be banned for the bane it is. 

And so I say to those of you choosing to celebrate this week anyway with family and friends, gathering around a table to once more give thanks in the year 2013 (a year that may have fewer reasons than usual for doing so):

"Save me one of those drumsticks, will ya?"
 

Happy Thanksgiving!

TFP Column: Santa Is Coming ... Beware

 

While experiencing the briefest of mourning periods during the election cycle, I am back once more within the pages of the TFP website this week.  Self-chastised for being consistently wrong about the results of those elections yet again (which is why I don't bet), it seemed only fitting to change my focus from the painful subject of my own abjectly miserable performance and turn instead to the coming holiday season.

I think that you'll find "Santa Is Coming ... Beware" an amusing (if not troubling) effort, dripping with the kind of sarcasm required to put the commercial aspect of the holiday and it's symbolic leader in a slightly different (OK, warped) perspective.  Of course it's not surprising that there should be some contradictions in the secular version of mythical character who ends up being merged over time with a religious figure who actually existed.  Be aware however, that my analysis of someone whose traditional depiction bares a vague similarity to my own does not mean that I have spared my subject in any way, or that we share any of the potential personality quirks that I ascribe to him.

Since it's already a bit past mid-week, you're lucky that the 'Star' edition has already hit the streets to provide more serious counterpoint to my more fanciful offering.  With the weekend edition yet to come, there's plenty more still to look forward to, especially in Toledo and Northwest Ohio.  

What else would you expect however, from Toledo's largest Sunday circulation newspaper, one which has been named by the Ohio Society of Professional Journalism as the Best Weekly Newspaper in Ohio for the last five years running.  I'm speaking of course, of the Toledo Free Press.

Welcome to Holiday Desolation

We may not be even two weeks into the new year, but for those of you who haven't noticed it, we are firmly into the season of Holiday Desolation.  It's not really fair when you come to think of it, especially when you consider that we end each year with four of the biggest holidays.  

Halloween in October is fast becoming the biggest holiday of the year in terms of the decorations that we buy (especially when you add in the personal decorations, better known as costumes).  Add in what we spend on candy for the rug rats, and it's likewise becoming one of the most expensive holidays of the year.

Thanksgiving follows just four weeks later (depending on the vagaries of the calendar and the municipal trick-or-treat rules); and earns its credentials not only through sheer caloric intake, but through bringing families together once a year long enough to remind them of why they don't do so any other time of the year.  Having spent the past couple of weeks gorging ourselves on chocolate confections left over from the previous holiday (mostly because we again forgot to turn the porch light on and let the little beggars know we were open for business), we can now look forward to tryptophan induced somnolence while likewise over-indulging in parades and football games.

Following again just four weeks later is the grandaddy of them all, Christmas.  It's that one that Lucy defines all too aptly in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as:  "You know, Santa Claus and ho-ho-ho, and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls."  It's the holiday upon which greedy capitalism reaches its excessive real-life realization, not through the necessity of buying Lucy her hearts desire; but through those, "He went to Jared's" efforts that a man makes on his way home from the Lexus dealership.  After all, what way is there to celebrate a pagan, religious, and secular holiday than through automobiles and coal (wait, I thought only bad people got that) which gets put through enormous pressure and temperature (kind of like the credit card payments afterwards).  

Lest we think that rest is ahead, exactly one week later we're joined by an old guy thinking he's at a college toga party and a baby wearing a diaper, black tie, and a top hat informing us that it's last call and extolling us to have just one more cocktail in the hopes that we can spend the first day of the new year trying to get someone to bail us out of jail.  Then what?    

After celebrating for the last three months straight, what do we get in January?  Well there's Inauguration Day, but it's a politician's holiday celebrated only by the people who voted for the guy being inaugurated.  The only people who get the day off are politicians in Washington DC; with exception of incoming president, who has to take an oath and give a speech.  Martin Luther King Jr Day makes an appearance on the day after this year (which is curiously also celebrated as Robert E Lee's Birthday in AL, AR, GA, and MS), but as of yet this holiday barely rates a mattress sale.  (It's not a real holiday if there's not a mattress sale.)   But that's it for the month .... nothin'.

It picks up slightly in February with a ridiculous holiday about a weather-predicting rodent in a town in PA that 98% of Americans couldn't spell without looking it up.  If it weren't for Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell effort (and my son's coming nuptials), few if any would care about it now.  Then along comes yet another New Year, the Chinese New Year (after Jan 1 and the Orthodox New Year); followed by Lincoln's Birthday, which was so important that we've recently dropped it like a bad habit to combine it with Washington's birthday in some meaningless thing called 'President's Day'.  Of course there's always Mardi Gras, but only if you happen to be in the right part of the South. over-serve yourself, and trade the beads that we used to be able to buy entire islands for (like Manhattan) for the glandular exposure that we used to see in National Geographic. (Who may have been the same people we bought the islands from.)

Of course there is one possible holiday entrant in February, Valentine's Day.  Originally named for one of the two Catholic saints of the same name (nobody's sure which),  it has now become little more than a 'Hallmark Holiday" of love and romance in which cards, candy, and of course vast quantities of jewelry are purchased by men for women to make up for the really crappy things that they will undoubtedly do the to them rest of the year.  In a rather twisted association, this day of amorous behavior is also remembered for the 1929 massacre of seven mob guys, allegedly by members of Al Capone's social circle who were apparently not all that fond of them.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I must point out that I married my first wife on a Valentines Day.  I deny the conjecture that has since arisen that I did so in order to avoid having to purchase both a Valentine and Anniversary gift annually; and wish to state that I did so only because a was young, innocent, and a sentimental slob at the time.  I can further state for the record that I am no longer .... young.

With that, February has nothing further to contribute.  Neither does March for that matter.  Oh sure some of the more favored celebrate my granddaughters birthday on the same day that they let everybody dress up in green on the 17th to celebrate an Irish saint that was actually English (Ireland was too poor at the time to afford its own saints).  In a twisted US observance, green Budweiser and Miller is consumed in practices which would in fact considered sacrilege on Emerald Isle. (Drinking Budweiser and Miller is only a venal sin, but dying it green in a misguided effort to make it sacramental or palatable in some way however makes such a sin a mortal one indeed.)  It's not until the end of the month when another pagan holiday that's been co-opted by a religious holiday is celebrated as a secular holiday (confusing, isn't it?) that we get our first real break in the month's of long monotony.  It's the end of May however before we once more resume normal holiday observances (I refuse to accept Cinco de Mayo, Arbor Day, or April 15th's Tax Day). 

Personally, I find the whole concept ridiculous.  What better time to reward citizens and improve their state of mind than with holidays during the gray days of winter.  When are breaks from the mindless tedium of everyday existence required more than during the time of year when we are weary from shoveling snow, depressed from the lack of daylight, and all but suicidal from having filled out our income tax forms.  But no, in typically misguided government fashion, we get far more mandated days off when the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the weather is warm.  

You know, perhaps we could get Congress to pass a law mandating a holiday during this period of holiday desolation.  Who better than they to pass something truly pointless for no better reason than to win approval from voters that who think less favorably of them than of head lice (understandable, when you consider that you can get rid of head lice).  How about the:  Half-assed Ordinance to Lighten Individual Drudgery Arbitrarily and Yearly Act?


           

Is It Time To Ban Thanksgiving?

With family on the way out to visit and the hectic nature of the holiday week, I decided that rather than attempt to come up with something especially fitting, amusing, and /or really original (well, as original as I'm able to anyway); I would instead attempt to blatantly plagiarize, repair, and update one  of my previous efforts on the subject to see if I could get away with it.  Since it's three years old, hopefully most of you will have forgotten about it (or never seen it) and find that it still resonates.  Be aware, before you go on, that considerable irony and sarcasm is awaits you in this effort! 

Thanksgiving will be celebrated again this week, as it is on the fourth Thursday in November every year. In theory, we will commemorate three days of feasting (which seems a bit over the top. by the way) by early colonists who arrived in to this country after voyaging nine weeks from Plymouth, England found themselves ending up in Plymouth, Massachusetts (many choose to call this a simply coincidence, but I'm still skeptical). Many died on the voyage over from disease and hunger, and more still in the winter that followed from much the same causes.  When spring of 1621 came however, with the help of the local indigenous population they planted what they could, and with the following fall's harvest chose to celebrate their good fortune.  Though we now repeat their celebration each year, it was a tradition they themselves never repeated. 

After almost 400 years and in this politically correct society however, the idea of maintaining holiday based on the one-time celebration by a bunch of white people seems doomed on the face of it (you know, like the 4th of July).  It only becomes slightly more palatable (pun intended) if we give them some credit for at least inviting some of the Native Americans who came to their aid and helped keep them alive in those early days to their party. (Of course, they probably made them bring most of the food.)  Consider if you will as well, that while neighboring Native Americans (the Waupanoag tribe) were largely the architects of this colony's survival and were invited to that original celebration; these same Native Americans were, like most others in this country, later chased from their homes and the greater part of their lands by the greed of the very colonists that they saved ... hardly something to commemorate with pride.  Only adding to the historic difficulty is finding reasons to celebrate the culture and traditions of the same people who would some 70 years later be giving us the sham trials and witch burnings in Salem, MA. 

Speaking of arcane rituals, Thanksgiving has always been considered a semi-religious holiday, since its original purpose for coming into being was to allow these colonists to thank their GOD for bringing them through the illness and privation from the previous year; and we know how popular religious holidays are in this country.  Adding insult to injury (much like the holiday that follows), the religious nature of this celebration involved thanking only a Christian God; specifically ignoring the practices of their Native-American guests, among others.  Quite frankly, it's amazing that there are not atheist groups across the fruited plain demanding that Pilgrim and Turkey displays on government property be taken down as violations of the separation of Church and State.  (I have more to say on this subject, but not here or today.)   How anyone can therefore consider continuing a national holiday with religious overtones that ignores the cultural and religious diversity that has become so dear to the progressive ruling elite of this country is simply beyond me. 

But if this typical, well-documented, and disgraceful treatment of an indigenous population by a white and European invading population were not enough to see this practice ended once and for all (that of bringing disease to the natives while stealing their land), consider instead the treatment of the main course of this so-called holiday ... the Turkey. Now Turkeys, for those of you who don't know your history, came very close to being the symbol of these United States. They were supported in this effort by no less Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, who considered the eagle as being little more than a dandified vulture. The turkey is not the brightest of birds (perhaps adding to its suitability as a national symbol according to today's standards), but it does have a couple of rather interesting traits.  Not only does it seek females for mating by showing them a their butt, but this bird is also know for being too fearless (or too stupid) for its own good to run away properly when being shot at (both seeming counter-intuitive to species survival by human standards).  

If this symbolic destruction were not enough, the Turkey menu of this national holiday exposes the public to a naturally narcotic substance (tryptophan), which often induces the need to sleep in humans. (Much like the speeches in the election season which immediately precedes it.)  This begs the question of how a caring government can allow the exposure of its citizens to such toxins (turkeys I mean, not politicians).  Of course alternatives have been offered over the years, but the slaughter of geese, ducks, or pigs (ham) can hardly be seen as much better and must be viewed as yet another example of the predilection for violence on the part of the American people (probably caused by video games).  And though one bird is pardoned each year by the President himself (two this year, but probably after the poor birds were water-boarded), it passes understanding that even PETA stands all but idly by as thousands of our animal friends are disposed of (probably inhumanely and after 'aggressive interrogation') in the name of a holiday supposedly devoted to supposedly "thanking" the very God that put these gentle creatures by killing them? 

I suppose that one might expect little more of something that was created as an official national holiday in 1863 by a man now considered a national political hero (and current movie star) President Abraham Lincoln (without recognizing that Lincoln was, after all, an evil Republican). The rampant gluttony and consumerism it exemplifies clearly shows it to be something typical of the party of capitalism's so-called champions.  Sure, the celebration of this holiday might stimulate a still mostly depressed airline industry by being the largest travel holiday of the year, but all of the travel involved makes it simultaneously the least green holiday in the nation through all the fossil fuels used for this purpose.  Sure it helps the bottom line of grocery stores and food preparation companies across the country, but this too is counter-balanced by the health-threatening calorie counts of the edibles put on the table.

In fact, one could demand the end of the Thanksgiving holiday for no other reason than the life-threatening caloric temptations that its meal offers.  Any minor compensation to the consumption of turkey over more deadly alternative of red meat is far outweighed (literally and figuratively) by the chemically induced somnolence that follows a morning dedicated to the idleness of endless parade watching followed by an epoch length period of pro football game broadcast observation.  Adding further insult to this injury to national health is that this awful excuse for a holiday has now been turned into the even more egregious  tradition of "Black Friday"; the opening day of greed and capitalism which begins the even more disgusting period of Christmas consumerism. 

We must therefore ask ourselves; what in the end is the Thanksgiving holiday in this country about.  The facts seem to indicate that like so much of what goes on in this country, it's nothing more than a celebration of racism, gluttony (not to mention obesity), the ingestion of potentially dangerous drugs, and the unwarranted murder of our fellow creatures. As such, it has no place in the caring, politically correct, and progressive society that we apparently long to become in this the 21st Century. And so I say to those of you choosing to celebrate this week with family and friends, gathering around a table to once more give thanks in 2012 (a year that may have less reasons than many for doing so):

"Save me one of those drumsticks, will ya?"
 

Happy Thanksgiving

TFP Column: Thanksgiving

In the spirit of the Thanksgiving holiday, I decided to overindulge (something that I normally reserve for the dinner table for this holiday).  In this case however, the overindulgence involved has nothing either to do with eating or drinking.  Instead, I have overindulged in a bit sarcasm and some truly over-the-top nonsense where the Thanksgiving holiday and its history are concerned.


I have to tell you that writing "Thanksgiving Is No Longer Acceptable" was a lot of fun, though I'm sure that someone will misinterpret my intentions, and the sarcasm key on my computer's keyboard will now requires significant repair, if not replacement. 

I hope that you get to take the time to enjoy my attempted slap in the face of political correctness and those who want to demonize every tradition remaining in this country.  I also hope that you get a chance to enjoy time with friends and family over the Thanksgiving holiday.


Most of all, I hope you get a chance to enjoy all of the efforts put forth in Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and Ohio's Best Weekly newspaper (for three years in a row no less), the Toledo Free Press.

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Warning: Thanksgiving Health Alert

The nation once again faces a pandemic of fantastic proportions that has been largely ignored in what can be seen as little more than a national health scandal.  And while many of you have probably experienced one of these outbreaks, which suspiciously occur on the fourth Thursday of November each year, few have the proper medical training to in fact recognize one when it occurs.

Though anecdotal reports of symptomology have surfaced for many years, both the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control have failed to take these annual scourges with the degree of seriousness that they undoubtedly deserve.  For those of you who may not have heard of this dread affliction and are wondering what all the fuss is about, I am of course talking about:

Personal
Inability to resist
Gorging on 
Outrageous and
Unbelievable amounts of 
Turkey 

More commonly known as 'PIGOUT'; this disease is characterized by an inability to stop consuming vast quantities of such seasonal dishes as turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, and jellied cranberries.  Even when such consumption reaches herculean proportions, causes incredible discomfort, and forces the loosening of clothing at the waistline; sufferers continue attempts to nibble, often picking at the remains of these Bacchanalian feasts while voicing plaintive cries that, "of course I still have room for a slice of pie".  

Apparently overcome by an overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to stuff their 'pie holes' (appropriately named as the disease runs its course); they are now apparently unable to drag themselves away from the table until the sounds of football games can be heard coming from their television sets.  Stuffed far more than the turkeys that they regretfully (and very carefully) abandon, full on a scale that makes even Mr Creosote  seem anorexic (careful, this link contains questionable and disturbing material), and having seemingly waited all day to watch these sporting events, they now find an irresistible urge to sleep off the effects of their hours long binge; missing these long anticipated games almost entirely. (Apparently, a chemical substance known as Tryptophan is released by the bird in question, which contributes in some unknown fashion to the already egregious symptoms.)  

Gradually waking, and ostensibly having recovered from an eating binge that would put Orson Welles and Michael Moore off their feed for a week; they will sometimes nevertheless relapse into symptoms on a somewhat smaller scale, only to once again slip into somnolence.

There is no need to call 911 or to seek emergency medical treatment for such an outbreak.  Effective treatments for PIGOUT in fact do not exist, and there is nothing to do for those suffering except to provide them time, patience, and plates of snacks to aid in their recovery.  (There have been rumors for years that this lack of effort in seeking a cure is in fact a conspiracy perpetrated on an unsuspecting public by a cartel of fowl corporations, who have long paid off major pharmaceutical companies to withhold release of possible treatments; but evidence has been difficult to gather and whistle blowers have refused to come forward for Congressional hearings long-delayed during abortive budget debates.)  

While modern medicine seems largely unconcerned over the potentially devastating effects of PIGOUT, we here at 'Just Blowing Smoke' feel it our civic duty to sound the alarm on such potential health hazards.  And while a cure for this debilitating disease remains beyond the grasp of modern medicine, drawing attention to its ravages may be of some assistance as a prophylactic measure.  At the very least, being forewarned of a potential outbreak this far in advance may allow you to prepare for it by wearing loose clothing on the day in question, reinforcing the furniture that may come into use, and in the worst case scenario, keeping a number of buckets handy for proper disposal of what will undoubtedly be material considered a bio-hazard.  

Happy Thanksgiving

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'Unoccupy' Thanksgiving

Tax-paying citizens from New York to Oakland have patted themselves on the back as law enforcement agencies finally moved into parks across the country to at long last oust 'Occupy Wall Street' (OWS) protestors from these downtown venues.  Cries of "About time!" and "Well done!" undoubtedly greet police and politicians alike as city residents take stock of the damage and take the measure of the clean up efforts that will required to put things in order.  Hearty congratulations ring all around as in what curiously seemed an almost organized effort to free downtown venues from the grip of an ill-conceived and unwashed mass of humanity.  (OK, maybe not mass, but more than a gaggle and less than a herd.)

Curiously (or perhaps not so), few wondered at how so many different municipalities, many with divergent political outlooks and party control, managed to have come to the same conclusion all but simultaneously.  Being by nature a cynic and a skeptic however, I was unable to accept this.  I found that I was uncomfortable with and curious about such timing.  Coincidence is a thing of dime detective novels and not the way that cities are run; so there had to be something else.  Then it hit me ... Thanksgiving!

What would the image of NYC be if the Macy's parade were held with the potential specter of OWS protestors appearing amongst the crowd, or (worse yet) on camera during the broadcast?  How many of the normal crowd of onlookers might be persuaded to pass up a trip to Manhattan to avoid running into some of the more odious (and odorous) of the 99%?  How would the image that Mayor Bloomberg and the city desperately wanted to portray as welcome and safe be affected by crowds of the disaffected attempting to get their message across?  And I'm sure that New York is not the only city to have considered this.

How many other cities around the country are having 'Holiday Parades' that they would prefer not to have hampered by these rag-tag and ill smelling protestors?  How many cities fear the effect on downtown tourism in an already bad economy if it were known that an OWS group were on hand somewhere?  How, for example, would Kansas City's famous turning on of the Plaza lights be impacted by the shadow of disreputable, dirty, and foul-smelling people attempting to take center stage (and that's just the politicians).     

I'm sorry to rain (almost quite literally) on the parade of those whose mostly unwritten and unspoken (except in the privacy of their own homes) demands have been to take back their cities from this movement without apparent cause or purpose; but the horrible truth of it is that the right thing has been done in cities across the country once again for no better reasons than municipal vanity and seasonal greed.  

Not only do these cities not want their worst foot put forward when most on public display, but they certainly don't want a hint of impairment to a season of rampant consumerism in the way of holiday parties at expensive downtown hotel and restaurant venues, and seasonal shopping that accounts for the lion's share of profit for retail outlets in an already down economy.  

Making the move when they did allows cities to clear out and clean up the mess left behind by protestors to whom sanitation was yet another word that their expensive educations had not permitted them to grasp.  Plenty of time was left to hose downs parklands and sidewalks, dispose of the make-shift tents and trash, and process the human debris arrested on misdemeanor charges for refusing to move along.  Thanksgiving crowds will likely even find smiling city workers to greet them on their arrival next week; those workers having already given considerable thanks for recent hefty paychecks (including overtime earned during the clean up) that they have received for their disinfecting efforts. 

Yes, it seems likely that rather than the praise that we would like to heap on our local government, we may be forced to settle for measured disdain.  Altruism probably had little or nothing to do with the ultimate decision have those of OWS move along.  Instead it was invariably political expediency, vanity, and greed that motivated those ostensibly in charge to do what we all knew must be done some time ago.  We may nevertheless take some consolation, as we occupy prime seats for these holiday celebrations, that the unwashed part of the 99% has 'Unoccupied' Thanksgiving.

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What I'm (Not) Thankful For

There will undoubtedly be many who will write in the next couple of days about all of the wonderful things in this world that they are thankful for. The love of family and friends will likely make all lists, but others will share feelings on their health, their country and those serving it around the world, and the freedom that we enjoy. 


While I share all of these sentiments, I would not be fulfilling my duties if I succumbed to such maudlin sentimentality every time a government-mandated holiday came along. In order to execute those responsibilities therefore, I have decided to list some of the things that I am not thankful for on this day before we celebrate the Pilgrims traveling from Plymouth to Plymouth.

• I'm not thankful for the excellent cooking that I will be sampling on this day dedicated to over-eating, which will not only leave me feeling extremely uncomfortable that day; but will also ruin my self-image for many days ahead when I look down at the scale with guilt to see what my gluttony has done.
• I'm not thankful for retail outlets that will be open all day Thanksgiving and long before the crack of dawn on 'Black Friday'; proving that while cash may be short in this country's economy, there is no shortage of exploitation and greed.
• I'm not thankful for the pornography of body scans and pat downs masquerading as security in airports. (Though in the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit to being extremely thankful that I'm not flying this week.)
• I'm not thankful for a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade which stopped being about floats, marching bands, and Santa Claus and started being about the promotion of Broadway shows in NYC, every lame TV show that needs a plug, and a procession of lip-syncing pop stars performing their latest offerings in the hopes of salvaging their failing careers.
• Speaking of self-promotion, I'm not thankful for halftime shows during Thanksgiving football games by Keith Urban and Kid Rock to promote their latest albums, tours, or ... whatever. Give me the scores and the highlights at halftime and then let's get back to the game.
• As to the games themselves, while I'm thankful that there will once again be football played on turkey day, I am far less thankful for the teams playing it. Detroit and New England ought to be a game for about 10 minutes, as will Dallas and New Orleans. As for the Bengals vs the Jets ... I can only hope that by the time that this third lame effort occurs, crammed into the schedule in the name of TV ratings, it will find me passed out from turkey tryptophan.
• I'm not thankful for the ads that I'm already being bombarded with this shopping season telling me that I can only make people in my life happy at Christmas by buying them jewelery or a car. (though if someone wants to exercise such extravagance for me ...)
• I'm not even sure that I'm thankful for the Republican victory in the recent election, as they seem to be forgetting why they were sent to replace those in office almost as quickly as the Democrats who lost office forgot why they were asked to leave.
• I'm not thankful for the cold weather that I have to deal with this time of year. While we all make noises about liking the change of seasons, the brisk chill of the winter air, and snow; it's all much prettier and more fun in a movie or on a Christmas card than it actually is while standing in it or shoveling snow.
• Come to think of it, I'm not sure that I'm thankful for getting together with all of my friends and family for the holidays. Don't get me wrong, they're all wonderful; but getting together with some of them reminds me of all of those I will not see over this period and forces me to deal with that guilt and sadness that comes with that realization.

While there are certainly more that I could list, I think that you've gotten the idea without me listing more (though you are welcome to add to the list if you would like to). In the end, let me say that I'm sorry if any of this may have taken you a little out of your holiday spirit (though hopefully it made you chuckle a little), but I'd be lying. This after all is my self-assigned vocation as both Curmudgeon and Village Idiot ... and one that I appear to be well-suited, and indeed truly thankful for.

Thanksgiving Banned (?)

This another is a series of public service posts on holidays here in the United States. The first of these, Ban Halloween, sought to warn the public of the dangers on both sides of the problem to a bunch of costume wearing candy beggars. Today however, we take on a more serious issue, Thanksgiving.

Warning: Be aware that considerable irony and sarcasm will follow! 

Thanksgiving is the holiday traditionally celebrated on the fourth Thursday in November. It commemorates three days of feasting by early colonists to this country who after nine weeks of voyaging from Plymouth, England ended up in Plymouth, Massachusetts (coincidence, I think not). Having barely survived their first winter in this new land, they chose to celebrate that following fall. It is, in fact a tradition never repeated by them after the original gathering in 1621. 


Of course basing a holiday on a celebration by old white people seems doomed on the face of it, especially when one considers the recent treatment of our Founding Fathers. Neither can I find any great need to celebrate the traditions of the same people who gave us the sham trials and witch burnings in Salem, MA only some 70 years later. If this were not enough, Thanksgiving was in fact considered a religious holiday, its original purpose allowing these colonists to thank GOD for bringing them through the previous winter. What's more, the religious nature of this celebration involved thanking only a Christian God; ignoring the practices of any other religion. 


How anyone can therefore consider having a national holiday with religious overtones that ignores the cultural and religious diversity that has become so dear to the ruling elite is simply beyond me? Consider if you will as well, that while neighboring Native Americans (the Waupanoag tribe) were the architects of this colony's survival and were invited to that original celebration; that these same Native Americans were, like most others in this country, later chased from their homes and the greater part of their lands by the very greedy colonists that they saved ... hardly something to commemorate with pride. 


If this typical treatment by a European, white, invading population were not enough to see this practice ended once and for all, consider if you will the treatment of Turkeys as the centerpiece of the menu on this so-called day of thanksgiving. Turkeys, for those of you who didn't know, were once very close to being the national symbol of the United States. They even found support in this effort by Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, the eagle being considered little more than a glorified vulture by this early patriot. While perhaps not the brightest of birds, the turkey nevertheless can offer a great display and a substance that it produces (tryptophan), induces the need to sleep in humans. (Come to think of it, turkeys seem a lot like politicians, don't they?) How then can any holiday be celebrated by the murder, butchering, and consumption of such a national icon (turkeys I mean, not politicians)? 


And they are not alone! Along with turkey, many families in this country will serve goose, duck, and even ham (another political reference?) at these celebratory meals. How can PETA stand idly by as thousands of our animal friends are disposed of (probably inhumanely) in the name of a holiday devoted to "thanks" in this country? Is this in fact how we choose to celebrate the bounty of Mother Nature? 


The only redeeming thing that this holiday may in fact offer is that it was created as a national holiday in 1863 by progressive political hero President Abraham Lincoln. Other than that, the only thing that it has going for it is its stimulation of a depressed airline industry as the largest travel holiday of the year, that it provides a platform for the non-stop watching of parades and football games on television (providing yet further opportunity for laziness and gluttony), and of course that it is followed by "Black Friday" the traditional opening day of Christmas consumerism. 


We must therefore ask ourselves; what in the end is the Thanksgiving holiday in this country about? It appears to this writer as nothing more than a celebration of racism, gluttony (not to mention obesity), and the murder of our fellow creatures on the planet. As such, it has no place in the caring, politically correct, and progressive society that we apparently long to become. And so I say to those of you choosing to celebrate tomorrow with family and friends, gathering around a table to once more give thanks in 2009 (a year that may have less reasons than many to do so):

"Save me one of those drumsticks, will ya?"

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving

I will once again be celebrating Thanksgiving this year in Kansas City again. Doing this brings mixed feelings this year, as the joy of being with family is tinged with some sadness, revisiting a rather sad anniversary for the Higgins clan. You see, it was right before Thanksgiving last year that my father passed away. That single event will forever change that nature of this holiday for me, but does not in any way take away the point of the day, or the concept and need of giving thanks in my life. You see:

• I am thankful that I was able to get back to speak with him one last time before the end.
• I am thankful for the inspiration that he provided to me on both a personal and professional level.
• I am thankful for all of the things that both he and my mother taught me about the truly important things in life.
• I am thankful that I will able to get back to KC and be with my mother, sisters (and their families), and one of my sons for this year's holiday.
• I am thankful for the health and prosperity of my family and friends this year.
• I am thankful for the opportunities that have opened up for me in the last year.

There are of course, a few things of a less serious nature that I am likewise thankful for:

• I am thankful that the election is over and that my future expenses in duct tape will be reduced (at least until January).
• I am thankful that I live in a country capable of surviving the choices that it makes each Election day.
• I am thankful that the newspaper industry has survived yet another year (though not by much).
• I am thankful that Michael Miller has not recovered his senses and continues to print the columns that I write.
• I am thankful that one of my sister Maureen will be responsible for cooking Thanksgiving dinner. (While I am capable of doing so, I am also honest enough to admit to being lazy and dodge the responsibility.)

I am also thankful for all of you out there reading this blog. It has become rather an obsession for me over time, and has contributed to some of the opportunities that I spoke about. Without the support, help, and feedback from many of you, there is no telling how far down the path of degradation it and I would have otherwise gone.
 

Happy Thanksgiving