Dear Santa: 2013

Santa Claus
c/o North Pole

Dear Santa,

I know that this missive seems to be getting sent off to you later each year; and once again I would like to apologize for my horrible tardiness.   You're not the only one out there that gets really busy around this time of year you know, and with the prospect of shutting things down around here in just a few more days, it's been even more of a madhouse than usual. Thanks, by the way, for telling the Post Office not to drop ALL of those letters at my place this year. The three bags were plenty for use in my column a couple of weeks ago, and the elevator at headquarters only broke down once trying to get them to the third floor.

Before you ask, my family is doing surprisingly well again this year, in spite of having to put up with me.  As usual, anything that you were thinking of getting them from their lists certainly has my advance approval. As for myself, I'd like to tell you that I've been good this year as well, but that would be a bit of an overstatement. (OK, maybe misstatement is more of the correct word.) The truth of the matter however, is that I probably have been better than usual, but I'm told that going through open heart surgery will tend to do that to a person. (Don't worry, I'm sure this temporary spell of good behavior won't last.)

By the way, please note the names of the doctors and nurses that I've added to my personal nice list for your consideration. Anybody who can find a heart in this crusty old bastard, let alone fix it (as they seem to have done) deserves to be on the “Nice” list.  Add in their ability to do without telling me what a sorry, ungrateful #*&$ I am while doing it, and they should probably be near the top of the “Really Nice” list.

Perhaps surprisingly to some, I'm not going to suggest you doing anything regarding Obamacare, Duck Dynasty, or the 2014 elections. I'd like to tell you that I know you don't do that kind of stuff anyway, but the real reason is what little interest I had on these subjects must have slipped out of my pocket and into a snowbank as I leaned against a lamp post to catch the lung I was coughing up while walking to a drugstore to get something to relieve such symptoms from earlier this week during this most recent spate of Global Warming.  

I do have one particularly ironic political request however, for you deliver a lot of lumps of coal to those working for the Environmental Protection Agency.  I severely doubt it, but maybe they'll get the joke (or the hint), but that won't take the fun out of the gesture. 

I know I haven't asked for anything for myself once again this year. Truthfully, I've always felt fortunate over the years that you haven't given me what I truly deserved, and always managed to show up with some pretty great stuff, in spite of my usual misdeeds.  So thanks.  All kidding aside, I know that there are a lot of people out there whose need is far greater than mine, so you would be doing me a big favor to help them out as much as you can instead. (Come to think of it, you might want to get lots of them copies of the “Holiday Wishes 3” through the TFP, which would help twice over.)

Merry Christmas,

Tim

P.S. I will no doubt be up late again this year on Christmas Eve (who sleeps well at our age anyway), and I have laid in a supply of cookies and Egg Nog (yes, the low-fat kind so you can watch your cholesterol), so feel free to stop by as usual. Not that you'll need it, but I'll leave the light on.

Dear Santa - 2012

Santa Claus

c/o North Pole

Dear Santa,

Like always it seems, this missive is being sent rather late this year and I apologize. Apparently you're not the only one out there that gets really busy around this time of year, and it didn't help when you had the Post Office drop all those letters off at my place. By the way, If this was supposed to be some kind of a joke, I have to tell you that everyone around here was laughing their butts off, with the exception of my apartment manager when the sacks were dumped on his desk (somebody must have watched the original “Miracle on 34^th Street). Anyway, I did read through a few of them like your note suggested, and was actually able to use a few of them. Funny Stuff!

I'd like to tell you that I've been good this year, but that would only be adding insult to injury. So if by some mischance I still made the 'Nice List', it's only because I've been bribing a couple of the elves. (You might really want to consider getting some counselors in by the way. Some of those guys have a serious Twinkie addiction; and with all those Hostess bakeries closed, there's got to be some some little Vulcan wannabes with a serious case if the shakes by now.)

Anyway, there's just one thing on my list for you this year:

Could you do something so that the pundits and power brokers let go of the Sandy Hook thing. The people actually involved are already in enough pain with what's happened to them and they don't need a bunch of media vultures asking how they feel during the funerals of their children and those of their friends; nor do they need a bunch of self-serving parasitic politicians trying to make a reputation on their misery. I have a feeling you'll know just how to get an anthracite message across in such a way that they'll remember it.

I'm not going to ask you to do anything for the families themselves, since that's way out of your job description. As someone who lost a family member way too early in their life (and mine for that matter), I know that the only thing that has a chance to help is time.  I had a couple of other thoughts for this year; but in light of recent events, none of them seem worth bothering over.  So don't worry about the small stuff, we can handle it on our own.

Speaking of families …. Before you ask, mine is doing well again this year, and since it appears that we're going to get past this little practical joke on the part of the Mayans, there are some especially good things to look forward to in 2013. I know I haven't asked for anything for myself this year, but I never really seem to ask for anything and you always manage to show up with some pretty great stuff in spite of my annual misdeeds … thanks. I'm especially thankful to you by the way, for whatever you keep giving Michael Miller that convinces him to put my writing efforts up on the Toledo Free Press website.

Besides, I know that there are a lot of people out there whose need is far greater than mine, so you would be doing me a big favor to help them out as much as you can instead. (Come to think of it, you might want to get lots of them copies of the “Holiday Wishes 2” through the TFP, which would help twice over.)

Merry Christmas,

Tim

P.S. I will no doubt be up late again this year (nobody at our age actually sleeps well anyway), and I have plenty of cookies and Egg Nog (yes, the low-fat kind so you can watch your cholesterol), so feel free to stop by as usual. Not that you'll need it, but I'll leave the light on.