Saturday, July 9, 2011

July Terror Alert

Phones have been relatively quiet at the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security in recent weeks, as the tin-foil hat terrorists that it normally deals with were apparently taking a brief summer hiatus. There have been a number of calls since the 4th of July Holiday however at 1-800-RAT-BUTT (code for 'tell somebody who gives a rat's ass') outlining a potential returning threat.

It seems that yet another insidious organization has resurfaced, and may pose a credible threat to many of you out there. For those of you who have not yet been assaulted by these corrupt communication con artists, the group that I am speaking about is of course the Society of Harassing Imitation Telemarketers.

These SHITs are not only telephonically assaulting hapless innocents in the privacy of their own homes (usually at the dinner hour) through phone calls attempting to sell them something that they don't want or need; but it turns out that many of the items that they are offering during these annoying interruptions of domestic tranquility in fact DO NOT EXIST.

Calls from these SHITs may be recognized by the following insider secret code phrases:

  • How are you this morning (afternoon, evening, today, etc...)?
  • Can I have just a few minutes of your time?
  • Have you heard about ...
  • Are you aware ...
  • (the robotic voice call preface) This call may be recorded ...
  • (or the infamous) I'm not trying to tell you something ...
Don't panic!!! (A statement once made famous as the word's on the cover of classic reference tome, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".) In fact your only defense to these nefarious attacks is aggressive resistance.

Instead of trying to play defense with them (a tactic with which they are all too familiar) you must instead meet these villains head on. Do not be deterred by their apparent single-minded devotion to duty, their well-rehearsed scripts, and their carefully congenial tones. Regardless of how innocent these dastardly dialers may appear to you, their calls are in fact more menacing than an innocent query about how your taxes were prepared by an agent of the IRS.

You must be prepared with a suitable fake name, a fictitious credit card number, and a shipping address in another country. If for some reason, you are still caught unawares by these demons of the dial tone, follow one of these alternate strategies (which can likewise be used on actual Telemarketers):

  • Mention to them that you too are recording this call and ask them for identification for auditing purposes.
  • Tell them you have an emergency call coming in and would they mind being placed on hold for just a moment (then walk away from the phone).
  • Tell them to hold on a minute so that you can call your spouse to the phone so that they too can listen to this exciting offer (and again just walk away from the phone).
  • Ask them if they'd like the phone numbers of some of your friends so that they will not miss out on such an exceptional opportunity.
  • Tell them that you're sorry but you just made a purchase of the same thing from one of their brethren five minutes ago.
  • Explain to them that you'd love to buy something, but the hospital attendants took away your credit cards weeks ago.
  • Offer to buy their entire inventory if they can arrange for overnight shipment by carrier pigeon.
  • Make an immediate purchase, and put it on the aforementioned fictitious credit card. When that number doesn't go through offer another imaginary number. Continue the process until they finally surrender to your superior tactical abilities.
Since there is in fact no escape from these conversational criminals, you might as well use this part of your life that you will never get back to enjoy yourself a little bit at their expense. Who knows, you might even make a new Facebook Friend.

Under no circumstances however, should you report such calls to the DJBSS; as your call will likely be treated as that of a telemarketer and hung up on.

As a consequence of the threat posed by these SHITs, the terror threat (as calculated by the DJBSS) is being raised to BROWN.

( For those of you keeping count, this effort marks yet another milestone for "Just Blowing Smoke", with the achievement of its 750th posting. Of course, if such nonsense as this is to be the measure we use to judge, one might come to believe that quantity and not quality was the goal in the first place.)

1 comment:

Roland Hansen said...

I have seen an exponentially increasing rate of these SHITs and am now seeking an unlimited supply of Kaopectate.