Saturday, February 25, 2012

March Terror Alert: IRISH

As I have oft times stated, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) works tirelessly to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (OK, so I lied ...)  So maybe not tirelessly, but they do a pretty fair job when we can actually sober them up and get their heads out of jumbo-sized bags of Cheetos randomly scattered about the attic that we keep them locked in.  Their efforts  have in fact done quite an astonishing job over the years of notifying the public about impending threats from organizations that few, if any, has ever heard of before. (And in spite of the lack of credit that they are given and the  low esteem in which they are held, including by me, they have still proved more effective in threat protection for this country than the TSA.)

For some strange reason, they slipped out an alert last night from under the door to their headquarters / research center (the previously mentioned attic) for March, while February has yet a few days remaining. While advance warning is always a valuable asset, and not that this notification (unlike the last one) couldn't be considered a legitimate report of a potential threat; but once again it presents an uncomfortable situation where the organization in question is concerned.  

For the second time in as many months, the threat in question comes from a group to which I retain a membership.  While there was a brief discussion as to whether an actual warning needed to be issued, in the end the Editorial Staff agreed that they had no authority to subvert the jurisdiction granted to the DJBSS.  (Unlike some organizations that I could name, we at "Just Blowing Smoke" recognize and fully accept the concept of the 'Separation of Powers'.)

Therefore an official terror alert is being issued against the IRISH. Now for those perhaps familiar with the nationality, but unfamiliar with this group; I am speaking of course of the Intoxicated Reprobates Indulging in St Patrick's Honor. 

While normally harmless, this bunch of miscreants does tend to raise a bit of a ruckus during the month of March, especially in the days surrounding the 17th, which to them is a combination of the rites of the Winter Solstice, Chinese New Years, Mardi Gras, the Fourth of July, and Christmas.

While this organization is always about (though most likely only noticeable when gathered in larger groups in Pubs around the country), it tends to become more visible in the month of March, becomes downright hard to miss as the middle of the month approaches, and it becomes damned near impossible to keep from tripping over their alcohol-anesthetized forms on the 16th and 17th.  Have no fear of them however.  They will likely be pursuing their own arcane rituals, which though you may find them occasionally bizarre and completely without logic or reason, pose no immediate threat to you. Most will in fact be preoccupied with other IRISH members, and are likely to be paying you little if any heed. 

(I could of course, attempt to explain the logic and reason behind those rituals, so as to clear up this little problem for you; but doing so would likely cause me to suffer the immediate loss of a membership I treasure for no better reason than your peace of mind.  Not a chance ...)  

You should be aware that while you may run into a number of cells of this organization during this mid-month period, you may also run into groups of look-alike IRISH. While ostensibly carrying the general appearance of  members, they are in fact merely poor copies content to wear silly T-shirts and lighted shamrocks with the names of American beer companies on them in a misguided attempt to pay homage to the spirit of ceremonies that they clearly don't understand.  Since such groups constitute little more than twisted shadows of the original and often have a great number of misconceptions as to the rituals of the true organization, confronting them or participating in the rites of such faux assemblages should be done only at your own risk.
Now while they can be boisterous at times, real IRISH tend to be prone to bouts of lyrical pontification and melancholy singing rather than the fisticuffs of popular legend.  This is especially true later in the day after the 'Indulging' part of their organization's name has been participated in long enough to allow the 'Intoxicated' part to come into full bloom.  While they can be a bit touchy if the subject of the English is brought up in conversation, such danger can usually be averted by quickly offering to buy them a drink.

Do not however:
  1. Attempt to convince them that the green versions of Anheuser Bush or Miller products are in fact 'IRISH Beer'. The Coors product Killian's also falls under this category in spite of its name, and is best not mentioned.
  2. Attempt to buy them one of these beers, or a 'whiskey' made in Scotland, Canada, Kentucky, or Tennessee.  While they might gladly accept such an invitation any other time, partaking of such beverages during these holy days of obligation is a strict violation of rules, and more ... a mortal sin that would damn their souls for eternity.
  3. Attempt to convince them that whiskey was first invented by the residents of  Scotland.
  4. Tell them that you don't like to drink Guinness unless it's "really, really cold". 
  5. Attempt to convince them that the bagpipe is in fact a Scottish instrument, since they know better and may seek to prove it by finding one and playing it.
  6. Ask them if the IRISH are a belligerent race, as carried away in a spirit of holiday giving, they may feel compelled to oblige you, in spite of their better instincts. 
For those of you who feel inclined to report the appearance of one of these cells or any incidents by them that might occur, you're more than welcome to contact the DJBSS at 1-800-RAT-BUTT; but it's likely that you'll have to leave a message. The odds favor the fact that none of the DJBSS staff will be in the office, though some of them will probably be a part of the group that you're trying to report.  (Attempts to report such incidents in person to the DJBSS are likely to meet with the same reaction as bringing up the subject of the English, so if you do so, keep your wallet handy.)   

Therefore, in light of the limited threat that the IRISH pose, and in honor of their upcoming annual celebration, the terror threat for this period will be placed at GREEN.


1 comment:

Brad Reynolds said...

It's amazing how this Hallmark beverage crowd quickly and easily sheds their supposed Irishness for Mexican garb/traditions for some south of the boarder holiday called Cinco de Mayo.