October Terror Alert: DEBATE

October has begun, and while some look forward to putting on decorative costumes and begging for treats at the end of the month, others (far more insidious) are already attempting to disguise themselves as best they can in more traditional attire, while begging instead for votes.  With the big game in the election cycle but a month away and playoff contests long since begun, it's of little surprise that the Department of Just Blowing Security has slid another of their Cheetos-stained notifications from under the door of the DJBSS Command Center.  (They of course must deliver their communiques in such a fashion since we keep the door to this attic room locked at all times ... for their protection as well as ours.)

It's in fact about the potential damage of these purported playoff contests that the DJBSS is attempting to warn us about.  They are talking about of course, about the bombastic battles of political doublespeak known in common parlance these days as a DEBATE.  These current contests of cognitive thought however, should not be confused with historical bouts of magniloquent grandeur like those of the Lincoln / Douglas debates of the late 1850's where issues of sweeping import were contended by articulate statesmen and triumph was achieved by making successful argument based on fact and reasoned opinion; but far more like the Kennedy / Nixon debate of 1960, where manipulation of the thermostat, good lighting, and bad makeup carried far greater impact in the election that followed than the arguments being made by the two candidates that night.

The very term itself seems to carry a far different meaning these days than that of the classical form, standing now for Dialectic Exercise Blocking Any Thought or Elucidation of issues.  This process, once designed for reasoned discussion, clarification of political issues, and divining a candidate's beliefs and positions has instead become bastardized into one of carefully staged posturing and professionally written obfuscation. Where once the incontestability of the facts in an argument carried the day, such events are now instead a mainstream media event in which candidate arguments are limited to less time than that required for the average bowel movement, and where the only winners are the media themselves.  Where once winners and losers were decided by the logic of their assertions, reasoned argument, and facts used in support of them, we are presented instead with degraded attempts at a series of 'zingers' and 'clever sound bites' that will be endlessly repeated in paid candidate commercials ... not because of their truth, but because 'they're catchy and are easy to remember'.

Limited attendance at such events will probably not have a adverse impact on a person's ability to reason out future decisions logically, but prolonged exposure to these displays of bad manners and even worse behavior can have deleterious effects on the minds of those who expect to exercise their electoral rights and responsibilities.  Attempts to make voting decisions on candidates or issues based on what has become little more than the indecent exposure of public natural fertilizer production can in fact cause .... well, the kind of government that we live with far too often today.

If for some reason, you begin to suffer from depression incurred by attending such toxic events, or feel an indecisiveness that makes you believe that you may have already been over-exposed to this year's political DEBATE process, feel free to contact the DJBSS at 1-800-RAT-BUTT.  While personal ignorance of the dangers is no excuse and will engender little sympathy in those on the phone banks (meaning that they probably won't give a rat's ass about your particular exhibition of poor judgment).  If however, you can catch these normally cranky bastards in a good mood, they might at least recommend a number of products of the brewer's, winemaker's, or distiller's art that have in fact served as a prophylactic measure prior to such exposure, and as a medicinal treatment to minimize the most painful symptoms if taken during or after such encounters. 

They might also let you know that if for some reason the intake of these organic compounds fails to immediately minimize outward manifestations of intellectual infection, continued treatment using various forms of these chemical hydroxyls should be continued until either the evidence of your symptoms begin to dissipate or you realize that you no longer care that you have them.  Successful treatment can normally be recognized when the pronouncements of those participating in such vocal violations of decency are no longer considered inspiring or offensive, but instead only tedious and mildly amusing.

Since this is a Presidential election year, it's expected that such deplorable and disgusting behavior will be going on at the local, state, and national level on a rather grand scale and for most of the month.  The terror threat for October has therefore been raised to brown; the color of the massive quantities of bullshit that will no doubt be produced as part of their efforts.