Saturday, June 9, 2012

June Terror Alert: DADS

June is already fast upon us, and while the heat of summer begins to climb, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) continues in its tireless efforts to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Though personally I think they're happy to stay locked in their Command Center since we had a new air conditioning unit installed last week.)   And while they continue to be given little in the way of credit for what many consider to be nonsensical labors at best (and even less in terms of financial remuneration), most concede that their efforts have thus far proven as effective, if not more, as threat protection for this nation than their TSA 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country.

The threat assessment slipped out from under the locked door of their Command Center today (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours) is indeed a serious one, and not particularly surprising if you remember that for May. While I was hoping that any danger recognized by the DJBSS would hold off at least long enough for me to celebrate my Irish Twin's birthday; it was obvious once I had read the Cheetos-stained Post-it note that proper notification of the general public was essential.  In fact, with Father's Day just a week away their effort is a particularly timely one indeed, warning of the annual appearance of a rather despicable group of ne'er do wells ... DADS.  

Obviously we're not talking about the wise and loving male progenitors that we've long come to know from TV's "Father Knows Best" or "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" (Did anyone else ever wonder about the ramifications of  Eddie's father also being the Hulk?), nor can we really be said to be speaking about the equally loving but far more sarcastic versions typified in "The Cosby Show" or even "Home Improvement".  In fact these reproductive reprobates may be the only people on the planet with less or worse parenting skills that the Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen characters on the original "Two and a Half Men".  

Disinterested Adolescent sperm Donors Society are in fact members a group of malicious malefactors almost as amazing as they are detestable.  One is never certain whether to be more  astonished in the proof that they possess the required hardware necessary for the reproductive act to be consummated, or appalled that they've somehow they've convinced a member of what's usually the more intelligent gender of the species to participate in any act that might result in offspring. 

Often calling their erstwhile partners "baby mommas", they seem as concerned about the results of sharing their seed with these unfortunate females as they would in sharing the flu.  (Not surprising, exposure to these "baby daddies" can result in flu-like symptoms for those involved that include: a light fever, general nausea, upset stomach, vomiting, and diarrhea.)  No one knows what dangers long-term exposure to these double-dealing frauds might result in, as they seldom remain around long enough with the woman in question to provide the option for study.

While these DADS call themselves adolescents, they in fact come in all ages, with the descriptive term having apparently more to do with their inability to grow up and take adult (let alone parental) responsibility for their procreative activities.  And while many feel that DADS cannot be counted on for anything, the facts show that they can usually be counted on to contribute little of nothing in the way of financial support or to participate little if at all in the raising of their often scattered offspring.

Perhaps the only positive that they contribute to posterity is through their standard practice of abandonment, which provides the best hope that none of these traits will be passed on to their male descendants.  Raised in single mother homes (often with the support of other family members) or as part of a later amorous relationship on the part of the mother, the best hope of these children is that the contributor of half of their genetic code will remain long forgotten.   

DADS can be easily identified by:

*  An ego greater than would be expected based on their appearance or intelligence
*  An inflated belief in their sexual prowess
An expensive wardrobe or car (usually purchased with money they refused to spend on the support of their offspring)
A reticence to speak about family, especially with regards to children
A tendency to denigrate the women with which they were in previous relationships with  
*  The number of phone calls they receive from irate women at all hours of the day and night

Since DADS are not so much of a threat as they are a scourge and a taint on the principles of respectable fatherhood, the terror threat for June will therefore only be raised to Yellow.  The DJBSS wanted to use Brown to properly call out these shits (not to be confused with SHITS), but instead settled on the only color which properly describes the cowardice exhibited by these bastards (pun intended) with respect to their parental responsibilities.

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