Thursday, May 23, 2013

Terror Alert: IRS

In a rather rare showing of unasked for enterprise, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security has released a second terror alert during the month of May.  Upon reading the Cheetos-stained scrap of paper that was slipped out from beneath the locked door of their Command Center (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours),  I couldn't help but note the timely nature of their warning.  Well, not exactly timely, unless of course you measure timeliness based on when Congress finally gets off of their fat behinds and tries to do its job about something that everyone else has know about for over a year; but I just figured that like the President, they just finally got around to reading about the issue in the papers.

I guessing that by now some of you may have already figured out what's coming here ... a special alert regarding a group of federal government bureaucrats who are making everyone in this country's life a living Hell.  No, I'm not talking about Department of Homeland Security or the Environmental Protection Agency (though Lord only knows I could be); but instead about pernicious pack of pencil pushers known as the IRS.  Surprisingly enough, this is not to be confused with the Internal Revenue Service (though they are certainly an organization made up of poisonous pond scum ..Oh crap, now I'm going to get audited), but an even more corrupt crowd within the mindless minions of the unelected elite, the Insidious Reprisal Syndicate.

These deceitful bureaucratic bastards actually have their hooks into most of the federal bureaucracy, and are largely responsible for attacks on citizens in this country who refuse to lie down quietly and do what they are told when instructed by those far wiser than they in government service tell them to.  Drain a mosquito-infested pond to protect you children from blood-sucking parasites (no, not the Internal Revenue Service again) spreading disease and they will be the ones taking you to court to make you refill (and restock) it.  Turn a parking lot into a green space (or vice versa) and they will contact you to perform a site restoration.  Attempt to move jobs to another state (let alone country) in order to provide lower costs goods and services to the public and they will work their will to prevent it.  Seek to create jobs in any state in this country, and they will be the ones reprimanding you over violation of arcane regulations in the massive document known as the Federal Register that prevent you from doing so.  And of course, try to start a tax-exempt group to teach the Constitution written to define and limit the government to a nation that has mostly long since forgotten it and a bureaucracy which simply seeks to ignore it, and they will be there to stall the paperwork.

What's amazing in this particular alert is that the government has already somehow managed to correctly identify the perpetrators in the Internal Revenue Service in this case, as low level employees in the bureaucratic maze who acted in such a horrifying fashion without instruction from management, without written guidelines (in triplicate) to follow, and without the knowledge of managers at any level in their respective bureaucracyWe know this of course, because no one certainly at the managerial level, the senior staff level, or certainly not at the cabinet level itself, would allow such a blatant violation of the First Amendment, nor an obvious politicizing of the bureaucratic process to knowingly occur ... let alone condone it.  (Sarcasm, you decide.)  In fact, this secret society of depraved drones has once again so successfully managed to work their evil will on Conservative groups, that their efforts have mostly escaped current Congressional inquiry, testimony before Congress by the acting Internal Revenue Service Director (acting in fact, seems to have multiple meaning where this job is concerned), and an internal Inspector General audit (which was only able to conclude that no government funds were misused any more than normal by the departmental employees committing these egregious acts).

Not surprisingly, the DJBSS was unable to provide any identifying characteristics for members of the IRS, which of course is exactly the point of their existence.  Outwardly they are just as inconsiderate, smug, and unproductive as any other nameless, faceless bureaucratic drone, so they are well able hide amongst other innocently bungling brethren at will.  They seldom achieve (by choice) either notoriety or guilt.  Having burned off their fingerprints as part of a particularly gruesome initiation ritual, they never leave evidence behind.  Their particularly destructive actions however, eventually come to light.  (Some say that this is on purpose, and acts as a sort of 'Kilroy Was Here' signature for them.)  Like a rotting corpse, at some point the sickening smell of their misdeeds gives them away.  Strangely however,  their transgressions seldom lead to  anything beyond a few weeks of newspaper headlines and a string of meaningless Congressional investigations that allow the Committee Chairman and a few other members to grab some posturing, camera time, and cheap headlines in the political lull before seeking campaign contributions for their next re-election bid.

Because of the particularly bloody trail that these vile, villainous vandals leave in their wake (sorry, I was having a "V is for Vendetta" moment), the DJBSS is raising the terror threat for the couple of days until the inconsequential hearings in Washington can resume to RED.


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