Decide Dammit!

OK quick!  What's the most frustrating thing in the world?  Now for those fence-sitters out there running through the extensive list in your tiny little minds, let me help you out just a bit.  It's You!  And don't try and kid yourself that we haven't noticed who you are while we're standing behind you in the line at McDonalds (not that you'll find me hanging out at 'The Golden Arches' these days), waiting for you to decipher the intricacies of a menu that hasn't seen significant alteration in this millennium.

Don't get me wrong here, I know that there are sometimes tough choices that need to be made out there.  Yoga pants or pajama jeans, the shortest route or the quickest one on your GPS system, and chunky or smooth peanut butter are but a few of the earth shattering determinations that apparently can only be made after lengthy deliberation by someone with your Solomon-like judgment skills.  Of course there are those looking on from the sidelines who would like to see such resolution proceed at a less glacial pace, but certainly we can wait until you've completed proper contemplation on how much foam they should put on your latte (though the restraint required to keep our hands from your throat is almost crippling).

The problem now however, is that 2012 is a presidential election year; and that brings up even more indecision.  The mainstream media cannot decide how far in the tank it's willing to go for Democrats.  Fox News hasn't decided how far it's willing to go to counter the impact of its competitors on Republicans.  Largely irrelevant daily newspapers can't decide, based on their own past bias and increasing loss of credibility, if endorsing a particular candidate will do them more harm than good. 

Around the world, our traditional allies can't decide if more of what they've gotten for the last 3-1/2 years would be worse than what they might get from four years of the new guy.  Inimical governments and terrorist organizations can't decide if taking advantage of the apparent foreign policy weaknesses of the current White House occupant (especially this close to an election) can be used to their own political advantage, or will simply facilitate the election of someone who might be another game-changer for them, like Reagan was after Carter.

Of course all of this indecision inside the media and outside the nation, is because we are once more being told that this year's electoral process will be decided by ... you guessed it .... 'the Undecideds'.  This apparent group of vacuous voters will, according to pundits and other so-called experts, be swayed in the coming weeks by any public (or private) misstep of the candidates, by who makes a better showing in the three presidential debates (or how badly 'Jokin' Joe Biden performs in his one), and by who can raise the most money and run the most TV ads running up to the election.  (And people complained about how the BCS Championship decided the winner of College Football.)

Ostensibly the fate of the electoral process weighs on a group of people who, after over two years of campaigning, cannot now decide on their national leader.  After a campaign whose length seemingly rivaled that of the 100 Years War, they are still unable to commit to a candidate.  Apparently the fate of the nation will ultimately be decided by those who stand in the check out line at the grocery store, incapable of producing a decisive answer to,  "Paper or plastic?"  

Which of course leads me to my own 2012 dilemmas.  I can't decide if I simply pity those who, with all the information out there cannot apparently complete the deliberative process; or if I just hate their guts.  I'm undecided over whether perhaps if a few more people took more interest in learning about the people they vote for than about the lives and back stories of performers on 'American Idol' or on 'Dancing With The Stars', we wouldn't have Congressional gridlock (another form of indecision) and a $16 trillion national deficit.  I am unable to reach a conclusion over whether perhaps there wasn't a two-party stranglehold on the national election process, there wouldn't be so much indecision in the first place.  I am completely flummoxed over whether, if the education process in this nation spent a little more time teaching critical thinking and little less on fostering self-esteem, we'd have less people incapable of decisions on anything more important than whether they'll super-size their fries.

What I do know however is that there is a real pandemic of 'cranial / rectal inversion' occurring in this country; and it's far past time that people started pulling their aggregated heads out of their collective asses and Decide Dammit!

June Terror Alert: DADS

June is already fast upon us, and while the heat of summer begins to climb, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) continues in its tireless efforts to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Though personally I think they're happy to stay locked in their Command Center since we had a new air conditioning unit installed last week.)   And while they continue to be given little in the way of credit for what many consider to be nonsensical labors at best (and even less in terms of financial remuneration), most concede that their efforts have thus far proven as effective, if not more, as threat protection for this nation than their TSA 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country.

The threat assessment slipped out from under the locked door of their Command Center today (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours) is indeed a serious one, and not particularly surprising if you remember that for May. While I was hoping that any danger recognized by the DJBSS would hold off at least long enough for me to celebrate my Irish Twin's birthday; it was obvious once I had read the Cheetos-stained Post-it note that proper notification of the general public was essential.  In fact, with Father's Day just a week away their effort is a particularly timely one indeed, warning of the annual appearance of a rather despicable group of ne'er do wells ... DADS.  

Obviously we're not talking about the wise and loving male progenitors that we've long come to know from TV's "Father Knows Best" or "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" (Did anyone else ever wonder about the ramifications of  Eddie's father also being the Hulk?), nor can we really be said to be speaking about the equally loving but far more sarcastic versions typified in "The Cosby Show" or even "Home Improvement".  In fact these reproductive reprobates may be the only people on the planet with less or worse parenting skills that the Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen characters on the original "Two and a Half Men".  

Disinterested Adolescent sperm Donors Society are in fact members a group of malicious malefactors almost as amazing as they are detestable.  One is never certain whether to be more  astonished in the proof that they possess the required hardware necessary for the reproductive act to be consummated, or appalled that they've somehow they've convinced a member of what's usually the more intelligent gender of the species to participate in any act that might result in offspring. 

Often calling their erstwhile partners "baby mommas", they seem as concerned about the results of sharing their seed with these unfortunate females as they would in sharing the flu.  (Not surprising, exposure to these "baby daddies" can result in flu-like symptoms for those involved that include: a light fever, general nausea, upset stomach, vomiting, and diarrhea.)  No one knows what dangers long-term exposure to these double-dealing frauds might result in, as they seldom remain around long enough with the woman in question to provide the option for study.

While these DADS call themselves adolescents, they in fact come in all ages, with the descriptive term having apparently more to do with their inability to grow up and take adult (let alone parental) responsibility for their procreative activities.  And while many feel that DADS cannot be counted on for anything, the facts show that they can usually be counted on to contribute little of nothing in the way of financial support or to participate little if at all in the raising of their often scattered offspring.

Perhaps the only positive that they contribute to posterity is through their standard practice of abandonment, which provides the best hope that none of these traits will be passed on to their male descendants.  Raised in single mother homes (often with the support of other family members) or as part of a later amorous relationship on the part of the mother, the best hope of these children is that the contributor of half of their genetic code will remain long forgotten.   

DADS can be easily identified by:

*  An ego greater than would be expected based on their appearance or intelligence
*  An inflated belief in their sexual prowess
*  An expensive wardrobe or car (usually purchased with money they refused to spend on the support of their offspring)
*  A reticence to speak about family, especially with regards to children
*  A tendency to denigrate the women with which they were in previous relationships with  
*  The number of phone calls they receive from irate women at all hours of the day and night

Since DADS are not so much of a threat as they are a scourge and a taint on the principles of respectable fatherhood, the terror threat for June will therefore only be raised to Yellow.  The DJBSS wanted to use Brown to properly call out these shits (not to be confused with SHITS), but instead settled on the only color which properly describes the cowardice exhibited by these bastards (pun intended) with respect to their parental responsibilities.

TFP Column: Defining Collateral Damage

While listening to stories about the use of armed drones to attack alleged terrorists (thing time in Yemen), I was struck again by how much of war has become a strategy of 'push button' tactics.  In WWII it was people miles in the sky in airplanes doing the pushing, now it people often hundreds or thousands of miles away pushing the buttons on the airplanes.

While all of this button pushing is going on and targets are being taken out, there are regrettably those that are killed with the target simply as collateral damage.  But they're not the only incidnental results of such strategy.

It's this that I attempt to look at in this week's TFP effort "Defining Collateral Damage", which looks not only at what occurs in foreign lands, but that which occurs in this country as the result of such strategies.

While we're at it you might want to make sure to do a little collateral damage yourself by catching up with everything going on in Toledo and NW Ohio (it is Mother's Day weekend, after all) by reading Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and Ohio's best weekly newspaper for the third year in a row, the Toledo Free Press.

May Terror Alert: MOTHERS

May is hard upon us, and while many look forward to the relaxation of these warmer months, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) continues in its tireless efforts to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Though it appears that they are currently only tireless because they ran out of decaf and had to use the real stuff while making the copious quantities of Irish coffee they continuously consume.)   And while they have been given little in the way of credit for what some consider to be their nonsensical labors (and even less in terms of financial remuneration), it must at least be conceded that their efforts have thus far proven more effective as threat protection for this nation than their TSA 'mall cop' counterparts at airports around the country.

The threat assessment slipped out from under the locked door of their Command Center today (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours) is indeed a serious one, in spite of the fact that it appears to be covered in Cheetos crumbs (they have recently insisted on the 'Flamin' Hot' ones). In fact they are warning us just in time of the impending once a year appearance of a particularly insidious group of miscreants ... MOTHERS. 

Do not be deceived into believing that they are for one moment talking about those wonderful female progenitors who served tirelessly, wiping our butts as babies, our noses and foreheads as children each and every time that illness beset us, and our tears to this very day as life's trials and tribulations attempt to overcome us.  This group is in fact the antithesis of their venerable namesake: Malicious and Obnoxious Troublemakers who Hate Everything Regarding maternal Sentiment.  

Rumor has it that many of the members of this particularly evil little bunch ne'er-do-wells in fact never had mothers of their own and that they were in fact created in a under-funded government research project, performed at a long since de-certified junior college.  (Some hint that it wasn't a junior college at all, but in fact 'The Wanda Trossler School of Beauty'.)  If the bulk of these rumors are in fact correct, their mothers were apparently little more than dirty test tubes manufactured in a factory built on a toxic waste site in China (allegedly right next to where the current I Pad factory is today).  The government of course vehemently denies these claims, stating firmly and for the record that: "There has never been any such thing as a under-funded government research project."

Showing the twisted Jealousy one might expect for those around them not produced as part of yet another of these failed experiments (a project allegedly called 'It Takes A Village'), and provided with years of the kind of efficient mothering that only 24 hour per day government assistance could provide, they have now dedicated their very existence to a program designed to denigrate that which they will never know in methods so twisted that even Stephen King hasn't thought of them (yet).

Of course you've all seen them out there over the years.  They're the ones who always insisted on jumping off the bridge, just because everyone else did.  They're the ones who always put their elbows on the table, stubbornly refused to drink their milk (or Ovaltine or Tang for that matter) and who scoffed at claims that starving children around the world would gladly eat the vegetables that they had turned their noses up at.

They're also the ones, by the way, who spend far too much time these days on the late afternoon talk shows, decrying the role of motherhood as something only fit for women unable or unwilling to pursue a more satisfying professional career (mostly because, male or female, they are those least likely to find someone willing to participate in reproductive behavior with).  They are also those whose career in fact seems to involve writing scripts for what are considered 'hip' sitcoms about women who look down their noses at those they consider 'chained by the bonds of parenthood'.

May is normally the peak period of their perfidious activity, being the month in which a holiday exists in celebration of that which they fear and detest most.  Castigating the day of reverence for this most challenging of responsibilities as nothing more than a 'Hallmark Holiday', they can sometimes be found performing curiously contradictory observances.  While acknowledging the existence of the festival, they will undoubtedly seek to glorify the capitalistic perversions of it; attempting to demean its festivities as simply a day to get a great price on a mattress or a set of tires.    

MOTHERS can be recognized fairly easily in public.  Depending on their apparel, they can clearly picked out by scars on elbows and knees that were neither correctly bandaged, nor properly disinfected by a kiss.  If their limbs are covered, they'll be the ones who haven't washed behind their ears.  Unfortunately for those keeping their company, they're also the ones who don't wash their hands before dinner or after they've gone to the bathroom (which paints a particularly disgusting picture if they've done the latter just prior to the former).  Their hair is usually uncombed, their teeth unbrushed, and their faces are unscrubbed.  

Owing to the sheer volume of their nefarious activities over the next week, the DJBSS hotline will be open 24 hours a day until after Mother's Day.  While the call volume at 1-800-RAT-BUTT can likewise expected to be high and some delays are inevitable, please remain on the line and all relevant information regarding their evil enterprises will be taken down for future reprisal.

Because of the particularly disgusting nature of their transgressions (and personal habits) the Terror Threat is being raised to a particularly dirty shade of Gray.

No Terror Threat At All: VISA

The Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) has over the years, worked tirelessly to keep the general public informed on terrorist organizations. Well, maybe not tirelessly, but they do work hard from time to time at gathering information and assessing relative threat levels where … OK, when we can actually sober up members of the DJBSS or get their heads out of jumbo-sized bags of Cheetos randomly scattered about the attic that we keep them locked in, they do a reasonable job of notifying the public about threats from organizations that nobody's ever heard of before. (And in spite of the disparaging remarks made about them, including by me, they have still proved more effective in threat protection than the TSA.)

It was they after all, who outed the travel nemesis known as the ADL (Anti-Destination League), the electronic threat of TROLL's (Terrible Responses in Otherwise Legitimate Locations) in the blogosphere, the forecasting doomsayers better known as WACKO's (Weather Anticipation Crisis Kibitzer Organization), identified the telecommunication onslaught of SHIT's (Society of Harassing Imitation Telemarketers), they who outed the attempted development of a Super Terrorist (a combination of a socially progressive liberal, a rabid environmentalist, and a religious fundamentalist) and of course they who released the new definition of TERRORISM itself (Taxing Evil Rich to Reduce Obligations Resulting from an Immoderate government Spending Movement).

(If you missed any of these earlier alerts, simply do a search in this blog with terrorism as the key word.)

This weekend however, an alert was slipped out from under the door of the DJBSS research center (the aforementioned attic) that was a bit of a surprise. It's a group that has not been hatching plans for lighting the fires of dissent in the nation (and in fact has trouble both lighting fires and making plans), has committed no overt acts against the general populace (though many of them should perhaps, be committed), and poses no risk to anyone's safety (well, other than themselves maybe). More surprising to me however, is that it's an organization that I belong to: the Village Idiot Society of America.

First, let me say that VISA has nothing to do with the credit card company using the same name, and we have been around far longer. (There's a rumor that the card's slogan "we're everywhere you want to be" originated with the Village Idiots of VISA, who've said for years, "we're everywhere, whether you want us there or not". No copyright infringement charge for the name or slogan usage has ever been filed however, possibly over concern of interfering with non-member Idiots in the legal profession.)

For those of you who may be concerned about VISA, let me say first that whether you realized it or not, there have long been Village Idiots in each and every community in this country, with larger municipalities having multiple members in proportion to their populations (and some who will remain unnamed, with staggering numbers in proportion to their populations). Having been a card-carrying member in good standing for longer than I can remember, I am pleased to find that I have been welcomed by local Village Idiots and had my membership updated after each relocation that I've made over the years. (In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to say that membership is not defined through the actual possession of a card as such, but something more like an old grocery store receipt with a secret code word scrawled illegibly on the back. You'll never get me to get me to reveal the nature of this word to you however, even under torture.  This is not out of a sense of blind courage, but more that I seem to have misplaced my sales slip somewhere; and even when I had it ... I couldn't read the word.)

Now many assume that the highest concentration of Village Idiots in the US is in Washington DC, and while such an assumption is natural enough, such information is both misleading and incorrect. While there are certainly more Idiots per square mile in Washington DC than in any other location in the US (with the possible exception of the couple of blocks surrounding the UN Building in New York City), few of those in DC (and none in the UN) are certified members of VISA. All in both locations in fact normally find their submitted applications summarily rejected through regular violation of VISA's first rule, “Do no harm”. (Come to think of it, this may be our only rule. We tend not be very good about making rules and often have trouble remembering them.)

Real Village Idiots are much harder to identify than you might think in fact, and are often little discernible from the general public. They can generally be distinguished upon close examination however, by the rather vague expressions that they wear, their apparent lack of focus on the world around them, their complete inability to answer simple questions put to them, and their willingness to smile for no apparent reason. (Wow, now I've probably got them even more confused with politicians …. sorry.)

Unlike their amateur counterparts in politics however, the real thing are much like the Ford Dent character describes Earth in Douglas Adam's “The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy”, “Mostly harmless”. They go their own way, doing their own thing; and occasionally speaking truth to power at the most inconvenient times and in a mostly nonsensical fashion (some of us more than others with that last part). The actual truth and timeliness of such statements often going largely unrecognized until those being spoken to or about get past agreeing that person who made the statement was a rather 'odd sort of person'.

While the position isn't compensated particularly well, we do have some really wonderful Village Idiot conventions, filled with symposiums, lectures, and advanced training in idiotic behavior; interspersed with holding competitions in:

• Who can wear the most things that don't go with any of the other things they're wearing.
• Who can hold a vague expression for the longest period without cracking a smile (I've won this one the last five years running, but I think it's because I only have one expression.)
• Best fall from a sitting position (extra points are awarded for the height of the seat).
• Best response to the question: “What are you, an idiot or something?”

If confronted by a Village Idiot, please feel free to call us at 1-800-RAT-BUTT (the PC code for saying, "Like I give a rat's ass"). While there is no danger in such an encounter, it's nice for those of us in VISA to know where our membership is these days (especially since they don't often know themselves). In fact, try and get an address or phone number if you can before calling, so we can try and get in touch with these Idiots later.

In spite of the apparently dire warnings of the DJBSS (something that we will discuss with them later while delivering more booze and Cheetos to the attic), the editorial staff at “Just Blowing Smoke” is still leaving the terror threat at pink; since it's the most harmless color we can think of.

SOS Dictionary: A New 'Terrorism' Definition

Last week's cross-disciplinary effort was apparently much more fun for the staff than I had realized (or intended, for that matter). Both the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security and the Stuck on Stupid lexicographers asked for an opportunity to try again.  (I originally suspected that sampling a hidden bottle in the attic that they didn't want to share caused this attempt to repeat their effort.  I have since come to believe however, that it has more to do with the flattery advanced by a certain attractive lady from a land far away.)    

In the spirit of benevolent dictatorship, I bowed to this entreaty, knowing that the chances they could equal their last effort were worse than Michelle Bachmann's odds on getting the Republican presidential nomination.  (Of course it might have something to do with the fact that I'm a slacker who sees no reason to write something of my own when someone else volunteers.)  After an extended session in which scrap paper was generated equivalent to the number of trees required to deforest Delaware, I was presented with a result that I had neither looked for, nor expected.  

Looking at this effort now, I can't help but be amazed at their exhaustive research (which I assume from the periodic snoring that came from upstairs) in identifying a previously known, but unrecognized core group of nefarious characters plotting against this nation.  I found this group to be not only a credible threat, but insidiously clever in calling themselves by the very name that describes their activities.  

This 'hiding in plain sight' mentality is an excellent form of misdirection; but unfortunately for them, one that proved not entirely successful when subjected to the scrutiny of a group of miscreants who are themselves well-schooled in the art of not being noticed when they don't want to be.  I therefore present the following addition both as a terror alert and as a new definition for the Stuck on Stupid (SOS) Dictionary.

Terrorism:

Taxing the
Evil
Rich to 
Reduce
Obligations
Resulting from an
Immoderate government
Spending 
Movement

1.  The efforts of 'Tax and spend' true believers in Congress and the White House who seek to mitigate their profligate spending through the forced confiscation of the abundance of those they deem affluent.

2.  The misguided attempts of followers of the 'Robin Hood' theory of economics (like Paul Krugman) that justifies giving the poor that which they have not earned and don't deserve by taking it from an alleged 'evil rich' who have committed no crime except succeeding at life through their own hard work.

3.  The misguided tactics of a guerrilla government to balance its books by robbing Peter to pay Paul.  The inherent failure of their tactics comes from the fact that Peter can never have enough taken from him to make Paul happy.

4.  Grand Inquisitors of Keynesian economics using WMD's (Weapons of Mass Distraction) to so poison the intellect of the electorate that they believe that although the top 1% of wage earners pay 38% and the top 10% pay 70% of the taxes in this country, they are not paying their 'fair share'.  (statistics are from The Heritage Foundation)

5.  The activities of suicide bombers like Warren Buffet and Ron Howard who misuse a combination of wealth and celebrity to destroy economic growth in this country through the use of 'Media Explosive Devices' (MED's) that maim rich and poor alike when detonated in public places. 

6.  The actions of elected officials (mostly rich themselves) who believe that it's alright to take money from other rich people as long as the 'servants of the people' are left alone with their lavish pensions and exceptional medical care. 

7.  The strategies of subversive left-wing social planners, with an army of IRS enforcers at their back, who have managed to create an aura of fear wherever and whenever the concept of personal success rears its ugly head in this country.

8.  The stunts performed by adversaries of free market capitalism who have pronounced a jihad on those who believe in the principle of the 'pursuit' of happiness, rather than government-enforced egalitarianism.

9.  The enterprises of insurgents that hand money that isn't theirs (and exists only as government debt) to Wall Street brokers and 'too big to fail' bankers by the wheelbarrow full, only to later feign attacks on them for the purpose of disingenuous propaganda; all the while appropriating funds to continue to do so from the innocent bystanders they claim to be defending.

10.  Seditionist strategies by elements of society that claim to be attempting to free the people of this country through an unrelenting program of tax slavery.

11.  The activity of those who see themselves best suited to pick the winners and losers in life by attacking the most successful on behalf of the least able.


Those who have somehow missed previous Terror Alerts or entries in the "Stuck on Stupid" Dictionary may find them by typing 'terrorism' or 'dictionary' into the search function on the left tab.


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Religions of Peace

This posting may be the most controversial that I have ever written, and is probably capable of more misinterpretation than any that I have yet put on paper. It's something that I have been carrying around in my head for quite a while however (there is plenty of unused space up there after all), and realizing that the Wednesday rant this week would be my 600th posting on the site made it seem as good a time as any to trot it out.

Condemn me as an apostate if you will, but I ask that you at least read it through (and carefully) before making any judgment of me. This offering is not intended as denigration of any religious belief including my own, but instead of the acts that have been perpetrated in the name of such belief.      

There are many today using the attacks of Muslim extremists around the world to vilify the Islamic religion. They point out that while the tenets of this religion are ones of peace, those committing these violent attacks on civilian populations today do so in the name of such beliefs. They further make the case that these attacks are not limited to populations of non-believers (those believing in other religions), but that many of the attacks committed are by Shiite Muslims attacking Sunni Muslims, and vice versa (and yes, I do understand that their are differences between the two).     

One can hardly help but notice however that the current crop of terrorism in the world does seem to come from such contradictory beliefs and practices held under the religion of Islam. One can also say that believers in Islam seem to have cornered the market on such actions in recent years. To my knowledge there are no current Christian, Jewish, Hindu, or Buddhist terrorist groups currently operating on any scale around the world.   

This is not to say however, that the Islamic faith is the only one guilty of such inconsistency, or of acts of unspeakable violence and depravity, and that as a consequence, that many other religions have their share guilt to atone for. Jesus too preached a religion of peace some 2000 years ago, and yet some of the most violent and terrible acts in the time since have been done in His name.   

The Crusades for example, are often romanticized as heroic knightly deeds done in defense of the Holy Land; but the truth is far less appealing. Not only was a great deal of savagery and torture perpetrated by these Christian knights in their looting and pillaging of lands not their own in the name of greed (not their God), but far too often they pillaged their Christian allies as well on the road to what were considered ripe pickings in the lands around Jerusalem. 

No one who has studied history will likewise be able to ignore the acts of barbarism, torture, and murder that were committed during The Inquisition(s). History in fact defines four separate Inquisitions, the first beginning in the 12th century and the last going on until around 1860. One of the most notorious, The Spanish Inquisition, spread this reign of terror from Europe to the new world, torturing and murdering innocent native populations in the Americas who would not accept what these conquerors considered "the true faith". 

Even the suffering that occurred in the "Troubles" of Ireland, while attempting to deal with long-standing issues of a brutal occupation and national sovereignty, carried a religious component within the British Isles. 

If we want to look further back, we need only study the Old Testament of the Bible. Here we can read the chronicle of that same God (for members of both the Christian and Jewish faith at least) similarly putting unbelievers to the sword at various times. The Canaanites, the Midianites, and the Philistines all found this original Jewish state more than willing to take up the sword (and pretty successfully according to the accounts) in the name of their Deity when necessary. Those living in many of those same lands today (and still fighting the same battles, according to some) have found the current Jewish state an equally formidable opponent. 

The Old Testament further tells us that these acts were considered both righteous and Godly, and well in keeping with the behavior of a Supreme Being of peace who was not above committing an act of violence in the name of religious retribution Himself (Can you say "The Flood" or "The Tower of Babel"?). So while it must be admitted that believers in Jewish faith have, down through history, far too often been the target of such inexcusably brutal behavior (and continue to be today), their own past is not entirely unblemished. 

Some early civilizations of course, like the Romans and Greeks, simply gave in to the violence in human nature and religion by having a god of war on which they could blame such human activity. In the Americas, the Aztecs, Toltecs, and Mayans likewise had no problem reconciling the concept of religion and violence. Their belief system did nothing more to excuse such acts as being justified by religion, but did at least save them from the potential moral schizophrenia inherent in trying to follow a peaceful dogma while committing horribly violent acts. 

None of this of course, is an excuse for the current acts of terror and barbarism going on in the world today, and any moral justification for committing such acts by claiming that they are "the will of God" is little more than a cheap form of self-delusion. These actions are beyond deplorable regardless of any attempted moral justification, and those that commit them deserve no reward in whatever heaven they claim to believe in (or any other for that matter). That being said, it must be admitted that much of the violence perpetrated by one human being on another throughout history has been done in the name of belief in a purportedly peaceful Supreme Being. While there appear to be limited exceptions to this (some of the eastern religions come to mind), few of them can attempt to assume the moral high ground on the subject if they look closely enough at their own past. 

As for those committing these senseless and unsuccessful acts, they cannot even claim credit for being the inventors of violence in the name of such belief, merely the latest in a long line of disreputable perpetrators. (I call them unsuccessful since while they have proved tactically successful, they have consistently failed to achieve the hoped for strategic objectives for which they were committed.) They prove little more than the fact that vestiges of envy, hatred, and barbarism remain part of the what we choose to call the 'human condition'.

History, if it chooses to remember them at all, will hopefully do so as little more than failed villains. It's likewise to be hoped that their acts will have little if any lasting effect on the long course of societal evolution. If history can be said in fact to have taught us anything however, it is that no one has ever been entirely safe from those following religions of peace.

Flying Commando

In light of the recent Christmas Day attempt to blow up a US airliner (Northwest Airlines Flight 253 from Amsterdam), it would seem only common sense to look at the attached image and believe that this is the answer. If only we could have the Arnold Schwarzenegger character from the film "Commando" either in the cockpit or flying as an Air Marshall no one would dare attempt to take over a plane (after all, he did take a bad guy out on the plane in the movie). Certainly we would all feel much safer knowing the character of John Matrix is somewhere out there insuring that all airline passengers arrive safely at their final destination, regardless of the threat.

Remember the "Good Old Days" (I know I shouldn't use that expression, but I can't think of another that fits.) when the worst that could happen to you on an airplane was a short diversion to Jose Marti International Airport, about nine miles southwest of Havana, Cuba? What could you expect but some dirty bathrooms, bad water, and maybe some good cigars that you weren't allowed to bring home. These days however, the problem is much more serious and much more deadly; not only to the people on the plane, but to those on the ground that they are flying over. The only people who don't seem to understand just how serious and how deadly things are these days are the folks Transportation Security Administration (TSA), whose responsibility it is to keep those very airlines safe here in the US.

I have spoken in the past of these "Barney Fife" characters, often referring to them as the "Wal-Mart greeters" of airline security. I now wish to retract that remark and apologize ... to the Wal-Mart greeters. Nothing could be a greater insult to those who at all times act in a friendly manner to each of the people entering their place of business than to compare them to these hide-bound government rentacops.

Of course I do not limit myself to TSA in handing out such palsied praise for government agencies and bureaucracies. The alphabet soup of NSA, CIA, FBI, USDHS (United States Department of Homeland Security), as well as the minions of the State Department can all take pride once again in proving themselves slightly less able than the "Keystone Kops" in their ability to lose, mishandle, and ignore information vital to performing their function in keeping the citizens of this country safe.

I won't bore you with the details of the story, as many other media sources out there have gone over it ad nauseum by now. I just wanted to talk about the potential evolution of airline travel that lies ahead. If we look back the history of Homeland Security and TSA reaction to terrorist threats, I think that we can at least somewhat accurately deduce what that future will hold.

Terrorists attempted to sneak explosives onto airplanes on laptops, hence laptop computers are required to be run through x-ray machines on their own. They then sought to bring explosive chemicals on, hence the current inability to carry on more than 3 oz of fluid in a given container. The infamous "shoe bomber" attempted to set off an explosive device implanted in the soles of his shoes, hence all shoes must be removed now and run through x-ray machines. Now we are looking at a terrorist who has attempted to smuggle an explosive device in his underwear. Can you imagine the terrifying consequences of this action?

But I have a solution that some of you may now be beginning to see (and perhaps smiling). Yes, as the title of this posting implies, I am suggesting the creation of a security system based on one of the alternate definitions of "Commando" (that of not wearing underwear).

Imagine how much more quickly security lines could move if we just created a special line, or better still an airline, for those who instead of worrying about their mother's advice about wearing clean ones when they traveled simply decided to gamble and forgo potential embarrassment. I move that the only way to get airline travel back on track is to "Fly Commando".

Trying Terrorists in NYC

I don't want to make it seem that I am accusing Attorney General Eric Holder of political machinations in attempting to bring accused 9/11 terrorist Khalid Sheik Mohammed and other alleged terrorists to trial in New York City (though in fact I might be), but I can't help but wonder if the nation's top prosecutor sees this as a no-lose situation for both himself and the Administration politically. 


If he achieves a guilty verdict in this trial, he can claim that his choices (and that of the Administration) were correct all along and take full credit for a job well done on both the local and world stage. If he fails to achieve such a verdict in spite of his department's herculean efforts, he can blame the failed result on the treatment and questioning of these accused terrorists under the rules of interrogation sanctioned by the Bush Administration before he went to trial. 


In other words ladies and gentlemen: "Heads I win. Tails you lose." I am sure that such ideas were given little or no consideration by the Administration in the decision to bring these self-avowed warriors of radical Muslim philosophy to trial in civilian court. [sarcasm off] 


What may have been given some serious consideration however, is that these trials are likely to captivate the media and the electorate for years to come. They will therefore provide a ready source of fodder for 24 hour cable news networks, political pundits, and high profile out-of-work lawyers who will analyze the coming judicial process in the most minute and annoying detail for all of us. 


They will likewise provide an abundant source of daily media distractions to a self-styled ruling elite that has already proved itself as savvy as any before it in the legerdemain of day-to-day media managed politics. I don't want to put a tin foil hat on here people, but I believe that it would be foolish not to consider this decision as yet another tool of distraction for an Administration that has already proven that it has a decidedly Progressive agenda that may well need one from time to time.

Super Terrorist

I found myself flying out of my bed in the wee hours of the morning in my quest for sleep last night. (No, it was not simply my guilty conscience, though you would think that would be cause enough.) The cause of my rude awakening was a nightmare of almost Biblical proportions. Somehow, my subconscious had managed to put 2 and 2 together and come up with a result that was truly frightening. Since I have no scruples where the comfort of others is concerned, let me share this horrific thought with you.

What if you took a socially-progressive liberal, added a healthy does of a rabid environmentalist, and topped the whole thing off with a dash of religious fundamentalism? What would you end up with?

A Super-Terrorist!

Can you imagine what a world with this type of fanatic would look like and the contradictions that would ensue:

1. Hybrid, or at least fuel efficient, car bombs.
   
2. Environmental groups who kill anyone and everyone just to reduce the damage that human beings are doing (in their opinion) "killing the planet".
3. Global warming death squads that attack oil company headquarters, drilling platforms, coal mines, and refineries.
4. The death penalty by beheading for anyone using more than their allotted carbon footprint.
   
5. Solar and wind-powered bomb factories.
   
6. IED's that would no long target military vehicles, but instead blow up SUV's.
   
7. Cities which are riddled with plague as PETA and other nature groups prevent us from killing disease-ridden rats and mosquitoes.
   
8. Suicide bombers who, riddled with guilt over the violence being perpetrated in society, kill not only themselves and their opposition groups, but often die attacking their own group as well.
   
9. Sectarian violence with gangs killing each other using bio-degradable bullets.
   
10. Universal health care for all of those injured in the above described sectarian violence.
    
11. Government mandated weight, blood pressure, and cholesterol levels, with strict diet controls for violators.
    
12. Every child born to be given $5,000.00, with additional matching government funds provided as the child grows. These funds to be used to cover the child's cost of weapons and ammunition.
    
13. Designer scarves for those who need anonymity for their terrorist activities, but are more committed to the money that they are raking in than to the cause that they are fighting for.
    
14. Life in prison without parole for killing a tree, a porpoise, or a whale; but not for killing a person.

If any or all this scares the living bejeezus out of you, you can begin to understand why my night's rest might have been interrupted. Society has become socially conscious, infinitely fragmented, and increasingly intolerant all at the same time. It sometimes appears that it is only a matter of time before this equation adds up to some form of disaster. While I have faith that we will come out on the other side of this apparent insanity, I clearly understand that faith is "believing in something when common sense tells you not to".

There are few times in my life when I am grateful in life for the age that I have reached. The above listed prediction in my rather flawed crystal ball makes me glad that I will probably be taking a dirt nap before they actually occur. For those of you younger than me (and feeling pretty smug about it right up until now, weren't you): Be afraid, be very afraid.

Airline Security & Political Correctness

I am getting ready to travel by air again for business (an experience that I compare to having hemorrhoid surgery without an anesthetic). This time it looks like my trip will be to a foreign land, which adds a flavor to the experience that can only properly be achieved by the sprinkling on of a little natural fertilizer. 

As I contemplate that future (and suicide by paper cut), I have to tell you that I have completely had it with the airport security procedures that lie ahead of me. Waiting in line, stripping down my luggage, taking off my shoes, and having my laptop swabbed down for explosive residue make me want to chew my own leg off. 

Well, like the character Howard Beale in the movie Network, I want to yell: "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take this any more!" Instead, I want to make a radical and politically incorrect suggestion here to correct the situation; but before I do I would like to play a little game with you. I would like to have you look at this as a "Final Jeopardy" question. The following events have what in common?

• The attempted attack on American Flt 63 by a man with bombs in his shoes.
• The hijacking of United Flt 175 and American Flt 11 for the attack on the World Trade Center on 9/11.
• The hijacking of American Flt 77 for the attack on the Pentagon on 9/11.
• The hijacking of United Flt 93, which eventually crashed into a field in Somerset County, PA on 9/11.
• The bombing of the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania.
• The setting off of a car bomb (OK, it was a truck) outside an Air Force housing complex in Saudi Arabia.
• The 1st bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993.
• The bombing of Pan Am Flight 103.
• The bombing of a discotheque in West Berlin that was frequented by US servicemen.
• The hijacking of the cruise ship, Achille Lauro.
• The bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut .
• The bombing of the US embassy in Beirut.
• The attack on the US embassy in Iran and the kidnapping of the embassy staff.

Can you hear the "Final Jeopardy" music playing? Is your brow furrowed as you ponder the difficult nature of the question? Are your palms sweating because you are unsure of the answer? No! The truth of the matter is that you had the answer long before you finished reading the question (and don't worry, I won't make you phrase it in the form of a question).

All of these were acts of terrorism committed by Muslim extremists.

In fact, 100% of the terrorist attacks on commercial airlines based in America for the last 20 years have been committed by Muslim Extremists.

(Now here is where the part comes in that illustrates what a cold-hearted, mean-spirited, and politically incorrect person I really am.) 

Why aren't we focusing on the only group of people who have been attacking us? Why do we harass old people in wheelchairs and walkers, pat down salesmen, and make small children cry as we force them to walk through metal detectors without their parents? Why is our politically correct society's answer to the question of how to insure our safety to treat us all as if we were suspected terrorists.

I know, I know, this is racial profiling and this is a practice that is simply wrong. Or is it? Would you watch your children more closely if they were playing in a park next to a church picnic or a homeless man in a dirty overcoat? Would you feel more comfortable walking down the hallway of an upscale hotel or the hallway of a cell block in a jail? 

We all make informed judgements based on visual cues and experience everyday to insure our own safety and that of those we care about. We do this almost without thinking. Why can't we ask our government (who is used to functioning without thinking) do the same thing? Have we become so politically correct that we will inconvenience everyone for fear of offending some?


Listen, you can say what you want about the fairness of the concept of racial profiling; but in this case I'm not sure that you could argue with its potential effectiveness. Doing so may actually be no more than what Captain Renault sought to do in the movie Casablanca, "rounding up the usual suspects".