Time To Ban Thanksgiving

I decided that rather than attempt to come up with something especially fitting, amusing, and /or really original (well, as original as I'm able to anyway); I would instead attempt to foist off on you one of my previous efforts out of sheer laziness.  In my own defense, I did make some changes to this effort, but that's because the original was so poorly written that shame forced me to do so.  Be aware before going on, that considerable sarcasm awaits you!

Thanksgiving will be celebrated tomorrow, as it is on the last  Thursday in November every year (though not the original fourth). In theory, we will commemorate what was three days of feasting with one day of binging, in order to celebrate the voyage of an early group of colonists who traveled nine weeks from Plymouth, England only to coincidentally find themselves in Plymouth, Massachusetts. (Coincidence ... yeah, right.  It's a conspiracy!)  

Many died on the voyage over from disease and hunger, and more still in the harsh winter that followed. (Evidently Al Gore hadn't let them in on Global Warming yet.)  When the spring of 1621 came however, the newcomers planted what they could in land cleared with help of the local indigenous population (who had no idea that's who they were), and with the following fall's harvest they chose to celebrate their good fortune.  Though we now repeat their celebration annually, it was a tradition they themselves never repeated.

Almost 400 years later however, the idea of maintaining a holiday based on the one-time celebration by a bunch of white people seems doomed from the start; and only becomes slightly more palatable (pun intended) if we can give some credit to these 'Pilgrims' for inviting their Native Americans saviors to the party.  (Of course, they probably made them bring most of the food.)  

Consider as well, that while the Waupanoag tribe were largely the architects of this colony's survival; these same Native Americans were, like most others in this country, later driven from their homes and the greater part of their lands by the greedy colonists whose lives they'd saved ... hardly something to remember with pride.  Only adding to the historic difficulty involved with the holiday is finding reasons to celebrate the culture and traditions of the same people who would only 70 years later give us the witch burnings in Salem. 

Speaking of arcane rituals, Thanksgiving has always been considered a semi-religious holiday, since its original purpose for coming into being was to allow these religious refugees from England to thank their GOD for bringing them through the illness and privation of the previous year; and we know how popular religious holidays are in this country.  Adding insult to injury (much like the holiday that follows), the religious nature of this celebration involves thanking only a Christian God; showing a massive insensitivity by ignoring the practices of their Native-American guests, among others. 

Quite frankly, it's amazing that there are not atheist groups across the fruited plain demanding that Pilgrim and Turkey displays on government property be taken down as violations of the separation of Church and State.  (I have more to say on this subject, but not here or today.)   How anyone can consider continuing a national holiday with religious overtones that ignores both the cultural and religious diversity that has become so dear to the progressive ruling elite of this country is beyond me. 

But if all of this typical, well-documented, and disgraceful history were not enough to put this celebration in jeopardy; consider instead the treatment afforded the main course of this so-called holiday ... the Turkey.  Now Turkeys, for those of you who don't know your history, came within a hair (OK, a feather) of becoming the symbol of these United States. They were supported in this effort by no less than Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, who considered the eagle as being little more than a dandified vulture. The turkey is not the brightest of birds however (perhaps adding to its suitability as a national symbol by today's standards), though it does have a couple of rather interesting traits.  Not only does the male seek its mate by showing them its butt (in humans apparently, the trait is reversed), but this bird is also know for being fearless (or stupid) in the face of being shot at.  (Remember however, that these were the days before the 2nd Amendment or gun control.)     

Modern medicine, of course, could easily also demand the end of the Thanksgiving holiday for no other reason than the life-threatening caloric abuses carried out in its name.  The traditional menu in fact exposes the public to a naturally narcotic substance (tryptophan), which often induces sleep in humans. (Much like the speeches in the election season which immediately precedes it.)  This begs the question of how a government attempting to take over healthcare of its citizens can allow them to be exposed to such a toxic substance (turkeys I mean, not politicians).  Any minor compensation for the consumption of turkey (the other, other, white meat) over its more deadly alternative of the red variety is far outweighed (literally and figuratively) by the chemically induced somnolence that follows a morning dedicated to the idleness of endless parade watching, followed by an epoch period of Thursday afternoon quarterbacking.  For many, the only holiday exercise apparently permitted is by thumbs manipulating smart phones for fantasy football league results.  

The fact that a single bird is pardoned each year by the President (Yet another religious symbol if you can you say Barabbas.), should be a source of national shame as PETA stands all but idly by while thousands of our tasty animal friends are disposed of (probably inhumanely and after 'aggressive interrogation') in the name of a holiday devoted to supposedly "thanking" the Deity that put these gentle creatures here in the first place.

Of course one might expect little more of something that, while first celebrated by our first president, was not seen as an official national holiday until 1863 as a political expediency to divert attention from the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.  (Apparently no one remembers that Lincoln was, after all, an evil Republican). 

Today of course, it's easy to see now that the rampant gluttony and consumerism it exemplifies to be something typical of capitalism's staunchest supporters. Consumerism's greatest celebration, 'Black Friday', now not only follows, but has expanded so far as to encroach on the holiday itself, making it little more than a day of capitalist celebration, propaganda, and profit taking.  Far too many this year will be pushing themselves back from the table (assuming that they still actually can), only to begin the full contact shopping and unbridled consumerism of Christmas.  Far too many will gleefully abandon family gatherings for no better reason than a deal on a 60" 'smart' TV (with 3D of course) that will find itself under their own tree. 

We must therefore ask ourselves; what in the end has the Thanksgiving holiday in this country become and why should it continue.  Facts seem to indicate that like so much else of what goes on in this country, it's nothing more than a festival featuring the unwarranted murder of our fellow creatures under the guise of celebrating racism, gluttony, and the onset of soul-sucking consumerism.  As such, it no longer has a place in the caring, politically correct, and progressive society that we apparently long to become in this the 21st Century and should be banned for the bane it is. 

And so I say to those of you choosing to celebrate this week anyway with family and friends, gathering around a table to once more give thanks in the year 2013 (a year that may have fewer reasons than usual for doing so):

"Save me one of those drumsticks, will ya?"
 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Is It Time To Ban Thanksgiving?

With family on the way out to visit and the hectic nature of the holiday week, I decided that rather than attempt to come up with something especially fitting, amusing, and /or really original (well, as original as I'm able to anyway); I would instead attempt to blatantly plagiarize, repair, and update one  of my previous efforts on the subject to see if I could get away with it.  Since it's three years old, hopefully most of you will have forgotten about it (or never seen it) and find that it still resonates.  Be aware, before you go on, that considerable irony and sarcasm is awaits you in this effort! 

Thanksgiving will be celebrated again this week, as it is on the fourth Thursday in November every year. In theory, we will commemorate three days of feasting (which seems a bit over the top. by the way) by early colonists who arrived in to this country after voyaging nine weeks from Plymouth, England found themselves ending up in Plymouth, Massachusetts (many choose to call this a simply coincidence, but I'm still skeptical). Many died on the voyage over from disease and hunger, and more still in the winter that followed from much the same causes.  When spring of 1621 came however, with the help of the local indigenous population they planted what they could, and with the following fall's harvest chose to celebrate their good fortune.  Though we now repeat their celebration each year, it was a tradition they themselves never repeated. 

After almost 400 years and in this politically correct society however, the idea of maintaining holiday based on the one-time celebration by a bunch of white people seems doomed on the face of it (you know, like the 4th of July).  It only becomes slightly more palatable (pun intended) if we give them some credit for at least inviting some of the Native Americans who came to their aid and helped keep them alive in those early days to their party. (Of course, they probably made them bring most of the food.)  Consider if you will as well, that while neighboring Native Americans (the Waupanoag tribe) were largely the architects of this colony's survival and were invited to that original celebration; these same Native Americans were, like most others in this country, later chased from their homes and the greater part of their lands by the greed of the very colonists that they saved ... hardly something to commemorate with pride.  Only adding to the historic difficulty is finding reasons to celebrate the culture and traditions of the same people who would some 70 years later be giving us the sham trials and witch burnings in Salem, MA. 

Speaking of arcane rituals, Thanksgiving has always been considered a semi-religious holiday, since its original purpose for coming into being was to allow these colonists to thank their GOD for bringing them through the illness and privation from the previous year; and we know how popular religious holidays are in this country.  Adding insult to injury (much like the holiday that follows), the religious nature of this celebration involved thanking only a Christian God; specifically ignoring the practices of their Native-American guests, among others.  Quite frankly, it's amazing that there are not atheist groups across the fruited plain demanding that Pilgrim and Turkey displays on government property be taken down as violations of the separation of Church and State.  (I have more to say on this subject, but not here or today.)   How anyone can therefore consider continuing a national holiday with religious overtones that ignores the cultural and religious diversity that has become so dear to the progressive ruling elite of this country is simply beyond me. 

But if this typical, well-documented, and disgraceful treatment of an indigenous population by a white and European invading population were not enough to see this practice ended once and for all (that of bringing disease to the natives while stealing their land), consider instead the treatment of the main course of this so-called holiday ... the Turkey. Now Turkeys, for those of you who don't know your history, came very close to being the symbol of these United States. They were supported in this effort by no less Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, who considered the eagle as being little more than a dandified vulture. The turkey is not the brightest of birds (perhaps adding to its suitability as a national symbol according to today's standards), but it does have a couple of rather interesting traits.  Not only does it seek females for mating by showing them a their butt, but this bird is also know for being too fearless (or too stupid) for its own good to run away properly when being shot at (both seeming counter-intuitive to species survival by human standards).  

If this symbolic destruction were not enough, the Turkey menu of this national holiday exposes the public to a naturally narcotic substance (tryptophan), which often induces the need to sleep in humans. (Much like the speeches in the election season which immediately precedes it.)  This begs the question of how a caring government can allow the exposure of its citizens to such toxins (turkeys I mean, not politicians).  Of course alternatives have been offered over the years, but the slaughter of geese, ducks, or pigs (ham) can hardly be seen as much better and must be viewed as yet another example of the predilection for violence on the part of the American people (probably caused by video games).  And though one bird is pardoned each year by the President himself (two this year, but probably after the poor birds were water-boarded), it passes understanding that even PETA stands all but idly by as thousands of our animal friends are disposed of (probably inhumanely and after 'aggressive interrogation') in the name of a holiday supposedly devoted to supposedly "thanking" the very God that put these gentle creatures by killing them? 

I suppose that one might expect little more of something that was created as an official national holiday in 1863 by a man now considered a national political hero (and current movie star) President Abraham Lincoln (without recognizing that Lincoln was, after all, an evil Republican). The rampant gluttony and consumerism it exemplifies clearly shows it to be something typical of the party of capitalism's so-called champions.  Sure, the celebration of this holiday might stimulate a still mostly depressed airline industry by being the largest travel holiday of the year, but all of the travel involved makes it simultaneously the least green holiday in the nation through all the fossil fuels used for this purpose.  Sure it helps the bottom line of grocery stores and food preparation companies across the country, but this too is counter-balanced by the health-threatening calorie counts of the edibles put on the table.

In fact, one could demand the end of the Thanksgiving holiday for no other reason than the life-threatening caloric temptations that its meal offers.  Any minor compensation to the consumption of turkey over more deadly alternative of red meat is far outweighed (literally and figuratively) by the chemically induced somnolence that follows a morning dedicated to the idleness of endless parade watching followed by an epoch length period of pro football game broadcast observation.  Adding further insult to this injury to national health is that this awful excuse for a holiday has now been turned into the even more egregious  tradition of "Black Friday"; the opening day of greed and capitalism which begins the even more disgusting period of Christmas consumerism. 

We must therefore ask ourselves; what in the end is the Thanksgiving holiday in this country about.  The facts seem to indicate that like so much of what goes on in this country, it's nothing more than a celebration of racism, gluttony (not to mention obesity), the ingestion of potentially dangerous drugs, and the unwarranted murder of our fellow creatures. As such, it has no place in the caring, politically correct, and progressive society that we apparently long to become in this the 21st Century. And so I say to those of you choosing to celebrate this week with family and friends, gathering around a table to once more give thanks in 2012 (a year that may have less reasons than many for doing so):

"Save me one of those drumsticks, will ya?"
 

Happy Thanksgiving

When Pigs Fly

Sometimes our government does things so incredibly out there that it makes you realize that literally no one can make this stuff up.  (Well you could, but it would be a lot of hard work and still probably not be as funny.)  So laugh if you will, but if the Department of Transportation gets their way with a recent guidelines update, it may soon be easier for Pigs to fly than for most of the rest of us.  And they will not be the only members of the animal kingdom that might be taking to the skies.

According to the "Nondiscrimination on the Basis of Disability in Air Travel:  Draft Technical Assistance Manual", airlines will be 'helped to comply' (you know, forced by the government under penalty and fine) to allow not only such animals as the pot-bellied version of swine (the pot-bellied human version having been allowed for many years already), but dogs, miniature horses, and monkeys to be allowed in the cabin as service animals to see to the needs of those considered by such regulations to be disabled. 

In these recently released 'regulation updates' (regulations which total some 200 pages) that I spotted in a Fox News piece by Todd Starnes, service animals used by a passenger with an accepted disability must be allowed to accompany such a passenger into the cabin and remain there so long as it doesn't obstruct an aisle.  If space isn't available, the airline is required to speak to passengers (asking them to switch seats if necessary) until the animal is accommodated. 

We all know what a pain in the ass it is these days to go through the rather onerous and time consuming process of security checks and luggage restrictions that passengers must go through in order to get aboard an airplane these days.  The entire system has become such a morass of examination, regulation, and intimidation that many of us simply choose to fly only when no realistic alternative presents itself.  One can only speculate therefore, on what new terminal adventures await the air traveler when sharing the security lines with 'Arnold the Pig', 'Bonzo the Chimp', or a miniature version of of 'Trigger the Wonder Horse'.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm all in favor of those with Special Needs getting a helping hand in enjoying life to the fullest through traveling by air.  Why should we, who require no more special assistance in flying than detailed instructions on how to operate a seat belt, breathe into an oxygen mask if one drops in front of your face, or grab a seat cushion as a flotation device in the unlikely event that your plane attempts a 'water landing' (you know, does a really awful job of trying to imitate a boat) be the only ones willingly to subject ourselves to the gulag-style treatment afforded us by the TSA and the simmering hostility of many current airline employees? (Not that we don't deserve it.) 

Besides, I can't wait to find out what the TSA pat down procedures are going to be for this Noah's Ark of personal assistants.  I'm also looking forward to some vocal and over-the-top demonstrations by members of PETA; not for the use of service animals as personal servants for the disabled (which may be a line that even they will not cross), but for subjecting these 'animals are people too' to the abusive practices of the Mall cops of the TSA.  In fact, if one were to take this to its illogical extreme (a duty for which I am particularly well-suited); one could ask what the ramifications would be if TSA's procedures were to be considered inhumane in the eyes of PETA or the ASPCA (let alone the Humane Society), since they were originally developed for use on humans.

I'm also curious to see how airlines will deal with animal allergy issues that are bound to come up.  Having long ago retreated in the face of the peanut threat, how will they now deal with the potential of their recirculated air carrying animal dander to passengers who may be hypersensitive to such exposure?  How will such sensitivities be determined before boarding, and will the person with the disability (along with the offending service animal) be required to relinquish their seat(s) or will the one with the allergy (which could also be considered a disability) be required to deplane? 

Additionally, what about phobias?  It's not that I personally have any fears in regards to miniature horses or monkeys flying (except of course, for the horrible ones in "The Wizard of Oz"); but then again, I've never been trapped in an airplane at 30,000 feet with a 'My Little Pony' that's got a case of the gallops or a 'Curious George' getting just a bit too curious where I'm concerned.  Will flight attendants be required to learn the additional skills of roping and tying for our four-legged friends, or proper restraint techniques for our simian cousins?

And as for the potential terrorist threat, there's no telling where those who believe that the soles of shoes and underwear are OK places to hide explosives will be able to make of these new regulations.  While I believe that religious proscription will probably maintain the safety of pot-bellied bacon bearers, the rest of the animal kingdom could well come under serious threat as they are added to the list of potential and unknowingly suicidal explosive devices.

Now lest anyone think that the DOT has completely lost its frigging mind, they have at least placed some limitations on service animals, and are allowed to reject some species on these Greyhounds of the air (the buses, not the dogs).  Animals coming into question include, but are not limited to:  "ferrets, rodents, spiders, snakes, and other reptiles" (though with multiple ocular opportunities, certainly a 'seeing eye spider' makes a creepy sort of sense).  It does however beg the question:   

If snakes can be banned, and with them ferrets (a member of the weasel family); will the promotion of these new guidelines cause members of Congress to be banned from returning to their districts by air, even as service animals?

(Hey wait a minute!  I have been confronted for years by my employer with responses for raises that I would see my next one when pigs fly.  It sounds to me like it may well be time to step up and ask for that well-deserved salary increase.)

TFP Column: Thanksgiving

In the spirit of the Thanksgiving holiday, I decided to overindulge (something that I normally reserve for the dinner table for this holiday).  In this case however, the overindulgence involved has nothing either to do with eating or drinking.  Instead, I have overindulged in a bit sarcasm and some truly over-the-top nonsense where the Thanksgiving holiday and its history are concerned.


I have to tell you that writing "Thanksgiving Is No Longer Acceptable" was a lot of fun, though I'm sure that someone will misinterpret my intentions, and the sarcasm key on my computer's keyboard will now requires significant repair, if not replacement. 

I hope that you get to take the time to enjoy my attempted slap in the face of political correctness and those who want to demonize every tradition remaining in this country.  I also hope that you get a chance to enjoy time with friends and family over the Thanksgiving holiday.


Most of all, I hope you get a chance to enjoy all of the efforts put forth in Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and Ohio's Best Weekly newspaper (for three years in a row no less), the Toledo Free Press.

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