When Pigs Fly

Sometimes our government does things so incredibly out there that it makes you realize that literally no one can make this stuff up.  (Well you could, but it would be a lot of hard work and still probably not be as funny.)  So laugh if you will, but if the Department of Transportation gets their way with a recent guidelines update, it may soon be easier for Pigs to fly than for most of the rest of us.  And they will not be the only members of the animal kingdom that might be taking to the skies.

According to the "Nondiscrimination on the Basis of Disability in Air Travel:  Draft Technical Assistance Manual", airlines will be 'helped to comply' (you know, forced by the government under penalty and fine) to allow not only such animals as the pot-bellied version of swine (the pot-bellied human version having been allowed for many years already), but dogs, miniature horses, and monkeys to be allowed in the cabin as service animals to see to the needs of those considered by such regulations to be disabled. 

In these recently released 'regulation updates' (regulations which total some 200 pages) that I spotted in a Fox News piece by Todd Starnes, service animals used by a passenger with an accepted disability must be allowed to accompany such a passenger into the cabin and remain there so long as it doesn't obstruct an aisle.  If space isn't available, the airline is required to speak to passengers (asking them to switch seats if necessary) until the animal is accommodated. 

We all know what a pain in the ass it is these days to go through the rather onerous and time consuming process of security checks and luggage restrictions that passengers must go through in order to get aboard an airplane these days.  The entire system has become such a morass of examination, regulation, and intimidation that many of us simply choose to fly only when no realistic alternative presents itself.  One can only speculate therefore, on what new terminal adventures await the air traveler when sharing the security lines with 'Arnold the Pig', 'Bonzo the Chimp', or a miniature version of of 'Trigger the Wonder Horse'.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm all in favor of those with Special Needs getting a helping hand in enjoying life to the fullest through traveling by air.  Why should we, who require no more special assistance in flying than detailed instructions on how to operate a seat belt, breathe into an oxygen mask if one drops in front of your face, or grab a seat cushion as a flotation device in the unlikely event that your plane attempts a 'water landing' (you know, does a really awful job of trying to imitate a boat) be the only ones willingly to subject ourselves to the gulag-style treatment afforded us by the TSA and the simmering hostility of many current airline employees? (Not that we don't deserve it.) 

Besides, I can't wait to find out what the TSA pat down procedures are going to be for this Noah's Ark of personal assistants.  I'm also looking forward to some vocal and over-the-top demonstrations by members of PETA; not for the use of service animals as personal servants for the disabled (which may be a line that even they will not cross), but for subjecting these 'animals are people too' to the abusive practices of the Mall cops of the TSA.  In fact, if one were to take this to its illogical extreme (a duty for which I am particularly well-suited); one could ask what the ramifications would be if TSA's procedures were to be considered inhumane in the eyes of PETA or the ASPCA (let alone the Humane Society), since they were originally developed for use on humans.

I'm also curious to see how airlines will deal with animal allergy issues that are bound to come up.  Having long ago retreated in the face of the peanut threat, how will they now deal with the potential of their recirculated air carrying animal dander to passengers who may be hypersensitive to such exposure?  How will such sensitivities be determined before boarding, and will the person with the disability (along with the offending service animal) be required to relinquish their seat(s) or will the one with the allergy (which could also be considered a disability) be required to deplane? 

Additionally, what about phobias?  It's not that I personally have any fears in regards to miniature horses or monkeys flying (except of course, for the horrible ones in "The Wizard of Oz"); but then again, I've never been trapped in an airplane at 30,000 feet with a 'My Little Pony' that's got a case of the gallops or a 'Curious George' getting just a bit too curious where I'm concerned.  Will flight attendants be required to learn the additional skills of roping and tying for our four-legged friends, or proper restraint techniques for our simian cousins?

And as for the potential terrorist threat, there's no telling where those who believe that the soles of shoes and underwear are OK places to hide explosives will be able to make of these new regulations.  While I believe that religious proscription will probably maintain the safety of pot-bellied bacon bearers, the rest of the animal kingdom could well come under serious threat as they are added to the list of potential and unknowingly suicidal explosive devices.

Now lest anyone think that the DOT has completely lost its frigging mind, they have at least placed some limitations on service animals, and are allowed to reject some species on these Greyhounds of the air (the buses, not the dogs).  Animals coming into question include, but are not limited to:  "ferrets, rodents, spiders, snakes, and other reptiles" (though with multiple ocular opportunities, certainly a 'seeing eye spider' makes a creepy sort of sense).  It does however beg the question:   

If snakes can be banned, and with them ferrets (a member of the weasel family); will the promotion of these new guidelines cause members of Congress to be banned from returning to their districts by air, even as service animals?

(Hey wait a minute!  I have been confronted for years by my employer with responses for raises that I would see my next one when pigs fly.  It sounds to me like it may well be time to step up and ask for that well-deserved salary increase.)

Fear of Flying

It's only now, having gone through a couple of weeks of intense therapy, that I have recovered sufficiently from the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of the event to begin talking about my recent travel experience.  Of course, the whole thing was my fault.  It was I who decided to attempt to journey from the land of Oz to the Big Apple, I who decided to attempt to use last significant stockpile of frequent flyer miles that I had to make the journey, and I therefore who found myself standing in an airport on Christmas Eve.

Now lest you fear that these are the ramblings of yet another demented and cranky old bastard (which of course, they are), let me set before you my credentials for service as a Road Warrior.  I began traveling by air as part of my employment back in 1979, and did so on a very regular basis for about 30 years.  During that period, I managed to visit about 46 of the 50 states (oops, I almost said 58 there), all but one province of Canada, and a number of foreign countries in Europe and South America.  There were in fact many years during this period where I flew in excess of 100,000 miles on multiple airlines, achieving a rather exalted level of frequent flyer status.  I have flown in everything from single engine private planes to 747's, and have participated in two emergency landings (one in a 727 when an engine fell off, and another in a Shorts 360 commuter plane when we landed wheels up because the landing gear wouldn't lock).  None of this however, prepared me for the trials and travails of recent travel to visit my daughter's family near NYC.

Of course the ADL (Anti-Destination League) was in full attendance at all of the airports involved. (For further information on this nefarious organization, you can read about them in this previous post.)  Being well-schooled in their tactics however, I was able to strategically position myself in the boarding area and charge forward to the jetway before they were able to properly deploy the boarding gate picket lines.  I was equally successful in evading them in the baggage claim area, as since this was a short trip I had all of my worldly possession tightly grasped in my hands throughout the travel process.  (I was in fact only required to bludgeon three fellow travelers during the entire trip with a backpack which I had lethally prepared for just such a purpose.)   

Regardless of professional preparation however, dealing with fellow travelers whose lack of spacial comprehension convinced them that luggage the size of a sea trunk could be hoisted into the overhead space was a bit off putting. (And BTW, while gate agents are looking at the size of luggage, they might also want to look at the material of construction; and declare that rope handled shopping bags no longer qualify as luggage.)  I was similarly caught off guard by the Christmas cheer of the airline staff, having long ago grown accustomed to the type of surly treatment normally reserved by conductors on Japanese subway cars.  I had somehow likewise forgotten that the seat back that I was attempting to recline on placed this surface well within kicking range of crumb crunchers flying with their progenitors, producing movements far more violent than either of the emergency landings previously mentioned.

Speaking of children, while I have never been a fan of government agencies and their regulations, I would nevertheless encourage OSHA and the EPA to investigate the noise level on today's airlines.  Oh, I'm not talking about that of the engines, which was comforting enough to put me almost immediately asleep, but that of the shrieking children with whom I shared this all too cramped space, and whose hideous screeching soon after takeoff re-awakened me.  I neither remembered nor comprehended that infants and toddlers could produce sounds only slightly below a frequency level that only dogs can hear at a decibel level far beyond that of a newspaper printing press running at 60,000 copies per hour.  It's far past time that flight attendants issued the hearing protection required for such environments. (Which reminds me that I must remember to sue Sony for the failure of their noise cancellation headphones to perform anywhere near what was promised.)    

But of course no tale of the trials of travel would be complete without a description of the performance of those gallant mall cop wanna be's, the agents of the Transportation Security Administration.  What then can we say about the TSA that has not been said before? 

*  That their idea of cost cutting and maintaining work-site cleanliness was to not have me place the shoes that they forced me to take off into their plastic bins, so that they would not have to clean the bins of the dirt that might be on them (Apparently dirt in their X-ray machine was not seen as a concern.) 

*  That their concept of thoroughness was to challenge me when I said that I didn't in fact have a laptop in the backpack that I was carrying (I didn't).

*  That their attention to detail was to berate me for having the 3 oz bottle of shampoo that their rules limited me to in my shaving kit and not in the required zip lock bag (evidently the 3 oz cologne with flammable alcohol in the same shaving kit was of little concern).

*  That with all of their new technology, they are in fact no more efficient than when they had simple metal detectors, let alone X-ray machines; and no more effective than a Big 10 football team in a BCS bowl game.  

Oh it's true that I eventually returned Kansas physically unscathed, as befits its state motto "Ad Astra per Aspera" (to the stars through the rough); but the psychic scars of my recent travel may linger for years to come.  It's strange to comprehend that it's only now after long years of travel and many harrowing experiences that a true fear of flying has begun to grip me.  It's not the technology however that causes my skin to pale and my heart to race as I contemplate future travel in these 'Greyhounds of the air', but the collective insanity of my fellow travelers and the perverse nature and ludicrous methods employed by the government that seeks to 'protect' me while doing so.

TSA: Total Senseless Absudity

Three items in the news recently caught my attention and simply begged to be connected for your reading entertainment. The first occurred a little over a month ago with the release of a YouTube video of a six year-old girl being given an enhanced pat down by agents of the Transportation Security Administration at the New Orleans airport. I found a copy of it on this USA Today piece posted on April 13th. I think that the story speaks for itself. 


The second occurred here in Kansas City and I found the actual photograph posted just yesterday. In KC's case, the story linked here came from the local TV Fox station; and the picture shown was of an eight month old baby being given an enhanced pat down by a different group of TSA Agents. If you didn't find the concept of a six year-old being used as a weapon of mass destruction rather idiotic, perhaps the concept of a 'poop bomb' in the diaper of a young baby might help the process along. 


The third image and story (from an AP bit on the MSNBC website) tells of an actual incident on a airplane occurring when a Yemen native became a little unruly on American Airlines flight 1561 bound for San Francisco. It seems, at least according to prosecutors, that Rageh Al-Murisi should be considered "dangerous and erratic" simply for screaming "God is great" in Arabic and attempting to break into the cockpit. The interesting thing to me about these three travelogues is that while two small children (one unable to walk on its own) were detained for careful scrutiny and 'special attention' from TSA agents; apparently this man carrying, according to the story, "several valid and expired forms of identification from New York and California" was not waylaid on his journey by the dedicated (and soon to be unionized) bastions of airline safety. To the no doubt immense gratitude of his fellow passengers, he was able to make his flight. 


The justification for what should probably be considered little more than three failures on the part of our 'mall cops of the air' is of course that in all of these cases, TSA agents were strictly following the guidelines laid out by the Department of Homeland Security for our travel safety. (I know after reading these stories, I certainly feel safer flying.) 


I don't want to go off on the TSA however, as in this case they are simply too easy a target. I will however use this opportunity to point out that once again, the federal government's attempt at 'one size fits all rules' are a dismal failure, an annoying nuisance, and an expensive boondoggle. I would also like to point out that these guidelines and the minons of the TSA did nothing to keep what was either disturbed or disturbing individual from attempting to interfere with the guys flying the plane. In the end, it was not through state-of-the-art imaging technology, highly trained security personnel, or draconian procedures that make the crossing at 'Checkpoint Charlie' seem simple by comparison that foiled the only actual incident that all of this nonsense is supposed to protect us from. No, once again, the 'gentleman' in question was subdued instead by crew and passengers on the plane. (By the way, where were the 'Sky Marshalls' that have proved equally invisible and unheard of recently.) 


It seems for all of the rules and procedures that our caring government has put in place to secure a safety that they tell us only they are capable of providing, the only true safety and the best protection available to us comes from a flying public that will no longer tolerate this kind of behavior and will rise to the occasion when called for to defend themselves. This is something that the enemies of this country (including those who appear to be serving in government) might wish to take note of. 


There is a point beyond which the citizens of the United States cannot be pushed, and they will rise up to defend their peace, their honor, and their freedom when required ... against any and all threats. All might wish to take note as well, that the actions of the passengers on Flight 1561 have done what no Congressional Committee or government review has been able to do, render the appropriate judgment on TSA; a Total Senseless Absurdity.

On The Road Again

Next week will find me doing the first real traveling that I have done in over a year. In fact, with six flights ahead of me in about as many days, I will probably be doing as much traveling as I want to do for all of 2011. As much as I am looking forward to an opportunity to visit with friends and family during the upcoming period (especially being introduced to my youngest granddaughter Molly), I face the prospect of travel with a fair degree of apprehension. (Oh hell, let's be honest. I'm looking forward to traveling about as much as Sarah Palin would look forward to speaking at a MoveOn.org Convention.) 


I cannot say for example, that my visits with the agents of the dreaded Transportation Security Administration bring me any gratification (or at least no more than would a colonoscopy without anesthetic ... and for perhaps the same reasons). Neither can I say that sitting in a seat only slightly larger than an infant car seat while drinking from a plastic glass holding only slightly more liquid than a jello shot is high on my wish list. I likewise find no entertainment in listening once more to the flight attendant instructing me on the complicated procedure of fastening a seat belt that I am obligated to operate if I ride in a car on the way to the airport. As for the potential of bliss from clutching a seat cushion smelling of beer farts to my chest in order to prevent me from drowning, they have better odds of turning the plane into a pleasure boat during a "water landing". 


Of course I can always occupy myself by attempting to count the peanuts or pretzels in a package served by the employee of an airline almost as unhappy as I am to be on the plane (a process which normally takes up to two minutes), or succumb to the temptation to buy overpriced items that I don't need from a catalogue stuffed in the seat pocket for just such a purpose; but real Road Warriors (and those equally fortunate) usually manage to nod off before the plane ever leaves the ground. The greatest challenge of the coming week however, will be once again pitting my skills and training against the dreaded Anti-Destination League. 


For those of you who have not dealt with the nefarious minions of the ADL (or perhaps have simply failed to realize that you were), these are the people who do everything in their power to prevent anyone from getting anywhere. They slow the security lines by failing to prepare themselves for the personal scan by taking belts or shoes off or their carry-on items for the luggage X-ray, often further amusing themselves by suddenly finding change in their pockets after passing through the scanner twice. 


After doing their worst in the security area, they next attempt impede the progress of passengers by blocking the main aisle of the terminal by simply stopping in the middle of it for no apparent reason while looking about them with the pretense of a vague or idiotic expression on their faces. Having even then failed to prevent travelers from reaching their planes however, they assemble in groups to barricade the gate areas of planes they have no intention of boarding while other people are attempting to do so. 


Should you somehow manage to elude all of this effort and get on your flight, you can bet that when it reaches its final destination you will find them there as well, setting up an effective barrier around the baggage claim belt, appearing to wait for a bag that they never checked in the first place. Of course, having long dealt with the insidious tactics of these evil doers, I am well-skilled in their Dark Side mind tricks and do not so easily fall prey to their schemes. Having not flown in a while however and knowing of the continual adaptation of their evil strategies, I would be a fool not to admit to apprehension as I once more enter the struggle with these villains.


I am likewise convinced that knowing of my past victories against them, they have by now transmitted my reservations out over the internet in their secret code, and my name and picture have been once more been moved near the top of their 'Watch List'. So as I once more prepare for travel, I ask all of you to keep a happy thought for me on Monday (hey, it worked for Peter Pan), in perhaps the vain hope that I will somehow be granted the patience to endure what must be endured and overcome what must be defeated in the timeless struggle that means going back on the road again.

Airport Insecurity

Well the holiday travel season is once more upon us, and with it the latest Transportation Security Administration abuses in the name of airport safety. This year's TSA furor arises over the passenger choice of a full body scan that allows the airport mall cops an intimate picture of you or a full body grope that allows them a pat down procedure that would be considered illegal if perpetrated by anyone other than a government representative. 


As in previous years, these increases in personal privacy abuse have passengers and potential passengers up in arms (and not for the pat down or the scan). We are told that this time travelers have finally had enough and will not put up with such personal abuse. Really? 


I remember as if it were only yesterday having just left an airport in Chicago on September 11, 2001 when we saw what had happened in New York. I remember fears that the Sears Tower or the McCormick Place convention center might be next, and the insistence of fellow employees that my boss and I drive back to Cleveland rather than risk air travel from an industry that had yet to be shut down. I remember another co-worker stranded in Juneau, Alaska for weeks while the airline industry sorted itself in the confusing days afterward. 


In the days since we have put up with an increasing level of abuse in the name of security (or the illusion thereof). X-rays of our luggage, metal detectors for our persons, special liquid containers of less than 3 ounces, and swabbing of our luggage for explosive residue are only some of the things that we have learned to put up with in the name of this questionable safety. 


Just as important however, is the time added to travel as we are herded through the system. It hasn't been so long ago that travelers could arrive at an airport less than 30 minutes before a flight and still expect to be able to board. Now we grudgingly accept that we need to arrive 1-2 hours before to clear security procedures. It likewise hasn't been all that long ago that we were able to enjoy the open air architecture at entrances to gate areas designed to please the eyes. Now we benignly accept roped off mazes that are reminiscent of livestock corrals or slaughterhouses and we the herd are funneled through an onerous and intrusive process of no proven value on our way to the government bureaucratic slaughter. 


And who gave TSA the power to continuously change the rules, treat us as livestock, and impose its will upon us? These are not elected officials who rule with the power of law passed by elected officials; they are bureaucrats who impose their will without popular consent and apparently with little or no oversight. John Pistole in fact told Congress only this week that while he understood the anger and concern of passengers over their most recent procedures, this would have no impact on their imposition. In other words, 'I know you don't like it, but I don't care!' 


Then again, why should he? Each year the abuses, restrictions, and regulations of government increase, and each year we hear the cry that this is finally enough. By the end of each holiday travel season however, the furor has died down and the lowing herd seem once more content in the corral. Even the airlines, whose business has to have been impacted by customers who now look at longer road trips before taking to the air seems to be content with increasing government interference with their profitability (though this may simply be a fear to challenge a government which has long since proven itself willing to pick winners and losers in 'private enterprise'). 


One in fact might well ask what additional deaths will be caused by those taken to unsafe roads to travel in an effort to avoid the safety of airline travel. Beginning with Cuban hijackers (which we almost remember fondly now) and graduating to the current crop of domestic and foreign terrorists, we have seen the freedom to travel in this country change before our eyes. The exceptional mobility of the American citizen has increasingly become a reticence to travel because of these onerous policies, and it doesn't take a tin foil hat to see that the long arm of government bureaucracy over such freedoms is favorably viewed by a ruling elite who believe they know what's best for us. 


It also doesn't take a genius to figure out that a less mobile population willing to accept an ever-growing level of government behavioral abuse is one that's easier to control. I am therefore grateful that I am no longer forced to spend the time in these Greyhounds of the Air in the process of earning a living; just as I feel fortunate that I no longer need to submit myself to the vagaries of this part of the bureaucratic mentality on a regular basis. 


And while I strenuously object to the continuing and increasing abuse of my freedom by yet another faceless bureaucracy, I recognize that I am a voice crying out in the wilderness (sorry for the Biblical reference). I likewise recognize that while the current storm over this year's latest abuse no doubt is genuine, it will die down soon enough as the majority returns to what's really important ... the finalists in "Dancing With The Stars".

Airport Security Restrictions

TSA (the Transportation Security Administration) is rolling out yet another and perhaps even more intrusive security procedure in their continued effort to annoy the flying public in the name of making travel safer. Passengers will now be randomly selected anywhere from the security lines to the gate to have their hands swabbed for the presence of gunpowder residue. Of course this will also mean additional delays to the travel process, government spending (about $39 million for the portable detection devices), and will also call for spending on additional TSA staff to operate them.

On its face, this new level of airport security procedures appears little more than another government spending program and a chance to influence unemployment numbers by the creation of government jobs paid for by taxpayers. There is a more subtle message being handed to the American public however that I believe that few recognize, and it is that the movement of this country's citizens needs to be more controlled.

When I began traveling for a living in the late 70's, there was an unwritten guideline that if the trip was over four hours by car, we should fly to be more efficient. As security procedures increased around the 9/11 attacks, that guideline moved the line from 4 up to 6-7 hours before we went to the airport. Now we are told that with the new security procedures, that we should be at airports at least 3 hours in advance of the flight at a minimum. We are finally told to expect body scans, pat-downs, and these random swabbings in an attempt to make us more safe.

Added to the fact that owing to fuel costs and airline profitability there will be longer travel times to most destinations, what this means to me is that the unwritten rule will now say that spending more than a full day of driving from point to point will be required before considering trying to climb on an airplane. Not only is this counter intuitive to what we are told is the socially responsible thinking on private transportation vs mass transit in this country, but its outcome eventually leads many in this country to conclude that they will decide to travel (other than locally) only when absolutely necessary.

The United States has always been a beacon of freedom in the world in terms of travel, with no "border crossings" when traveling from state to state in a geography far more vast than that of Europe. There has never in fact, been a more mobile society than that in this country. Increasing government influence now forces us to admit that while the cost of gasoline is high, and the cost of airline travel is increasing as well, Americans are now beginning to rethink the mobility that they have long enjoyed in an attempt to avoid the increasingly intrusive government security inspections between the ticket counter and the gate at an airport. 




Amazingly, we allow all of this to go on while most would agree that the lion's share of these procedures do nothing to add to the actual safety of airline travel in this country. Most would likewise agree that the government imposed, politically correct nature of the prosecution of these practices does not effectively target the potential dangers to travelers that exist. We have become so fearful however, and so compliant as a society, that when our leaders tell us that we are in danger we willingly go along with this nonsense in spite of this knowledge. It may place the tin foil hat firmly on my head, but I would suggest that hidden in this apparent drive for safety is an agenda supporting an increasing role for Homeland Security and its TSA police arm that states that a population is easier to keep safe (and to control) if it simply finds it more convenient to stay put. 


Might I also suggest that the continued and gradual increase of these draconian security measures appears more an example of the practices of the old Soviet Union than the country designed by our Founding Fathers. Benjamin Franklin once warned us that: "Those who give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." It appears that we are becoming ever more willing to allow our government to take these liberties from us bit by bit in the name of a such safety while traveling. It also appears that once again, we are going to allow that government to impose new airline security restrictions upon us in the name of the the very freedoms that they take away.

Flying Commando

In light of the recent Christmas Day attempt to blow up a US airliner (Northwest Airlines Flight 253 from Amsterdam), it would seem only common sense to look at the attached image and believe that this is the answer. If only we could have the Arnold Schwarzenegger character from the film "Commando" either in the cockpit or flying as an Air Marshall no one would dare attempt to take over a plane (after all, he did take a bad guy out on the plane in the movie). Certainly we would all feel much safer knowing the character of John Matrix is somewhere out there insuring that all airline passengers arrive safely at their final destination, regardless of the threat.

Remember the "Good Old Days" (I know I shouldn't use that expression, but I can't think of another that fits.) when the worst that could happen to you on an airplane was a short diversion to Jose Marti International Airport, about nine miles southwest of Havana, Cuba? What could you expect but some dirty bathrooms, bad water, and maybe some good cigars that you weren't allowed to bring home. These days however, the problem is much more serious and much more deadly; not only to the people on the plane, but to those on the ground that they are flying over. The only people who don't seem to understand just how serious and how deadly things are these days are the folks Transportation Security Administration (TSA), whose responsibility it is to keep those very airlines safe here in the US.

I have spoken in the past of these "Barney Fife" characters, often referring to them as the "Wal-Mart greeters" of airline security. I now wish to retract that remark and apologize ... to the Wal-Mart greeters. Nothing could be a greater insult to those who at all times act in a friendly manner to each of the people entering their place of business than to compare them to these hide-bound government rentacops.

Of course I do not limit myself to TSA in handing out such palsied praise for government agencies and bureaucracies. The alphabet soup of NSA, CIA, FBI, USDHS (United States Department of Homeland Security), as well as the minions of the State Department can all take pride once again in proving themselves slightly less able than the "Keystone Kops" in their ability to lose, mishandle, and ignore information vital to performing their function in keeping the citizens of this country safe.

I won't bore you with the details of the story, as many other media sources out there have gone over it ad nauseum by now. I just wanted to talk about the potential evolution of airline travel that lies ahead. If we look back the history of Homeland Security and TSA reaction to terrorist threats, I think that we can at least somewhat accurately deduce what that future will hold.

Terrorists attempted to sneak explosives onto airplanes on laptops, hence laptop computers are required to be run through x-ray machines on their own. They then sought to bring explosive chemicals on, hence the current inability to carry on more than 3 oz of fluid in a given container. The infamous "shoe bomber" attempted to set off an explosive device implanted in the soles of his shoes, hence all shoes must be removed now and run through x-ray machines. Now we are looking at a terrorist who has attempted to smuggle an explosive device in his underwear. Can you imagine the terrifying consequences of this action?

But I have a solution that some of you may now be beginning to see (and perhaps smiling). Yes, as the title of this posting implies, I am suggesting the creation of a security system based on one of the alternate definitions of "Commando" (that of not wearing underwear).

Imagine how much more quickly security lines could move if we just created a special line, or better still an airline, for those who instead of worrying about their mother's advice about wearing clean ones when they traveled simply decided to gamble and forgo potential embarrassment. I move that the only way to get airline travel back on track is to "Fly Commando".

Airline Security - Firing With The Safety Off

I have watched in wonder in recent days, the changing position of our government since the failed attack against a US airliner in recent days. I was amazed when Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano initially stated that "the system worked". I was amazed again when less than 48 hours later, the President ordered a review of all of these same procedures because of "a systematic failure". 


What I found truly amazing however, was the bravery shown by passengers in this recent attempt. This is bravery far too often glossed over by government bureaucrats in their vain attempts to seek personal glory or political cover. This is bravery that has nothing to do with the TSA screenings, Homeland Security, or the continuing failure of airline security regulations and procedures in this country. This is bravery perhaps inspired by that of similar passengers on United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed into the fields near Shanksville, PA on 9/11 when terrorists attempted to use it as a weapon targeted at Washington DC. For the situation that we find ourselves in today is as much a part of the horrors of that day as any that have come since. 


The Bush Administration did what was necessary in the days that quickly followed, securing the country and the safety of air travel. It followed up on that success however, by subverting the very freedoms that it was seeking to protect in the name of such safety. The "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001" (USA Patriot Act of 2001) provided the federal government with the weapons for that protection and an equal amount of intrusion into the rights and freedoms of American citizens. 


Created in the same period in history, we saw the passage of the Aviation and Transportation Security Act in November of 2001. This in turn led to the creation of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) to take over airline security from private companies that had previously taken care of it. Though originally part of the Department of Transportation, this government airline security arm was moved under the auspices of the Department of Homeland Security (yet another agency created in the wake of 9/11), as the primary weapon to insure the safety of air travel. 


Eight years later with the Patriot Act well-established and as today's politicians seek continued expansion of the Federal bureaucracy and budget, I have to ask myself whether the creation of and reactive restrictions under TSA and Homeland Security have truly made air travel any safer. We take our shoes off because someone used shoes to smuggle explosives, getting past TSA. We carry smaller bottles of liquids to insure that sufficient combustible chemicals are not contained in our carry-on luggage, because someone got past TSA. This latest attempt involved an explosive device contained in a passenger's underwear, which begs a serious question of what new humiliations could be heaped upon us by TSA as a consequence. (I don't know about you, but I'm not putting my underwear on the belt, even though it would prove to my mother that I wear clean ones when I travel in case of an accident.) 


So as we congratulate ourselves on another unsuccessful terrorist attack on one of our airlines and as our government once more wrings its hands and delivers yet further regulatory abuse to air travel in this country and abroad, perhaps it is time to rethink the process. As even heavier artillery in the government arsenal seek to make the process more cumbersome, more intrusive, and more expensive to the airlines and the taxpayers; perhaps it is time we reconsider the failed path that we have been following. As we witness the continuing failure of the policies used to protect us, perhaps it is we instead who should be afraid of the all too imperfect weapons we continue to use in attempts to thwart this terrorist threat. 


Maybe there is something to be learned from the story of "The Hunt for Red October" (the movie of which has been on recently and struck a chord with me on this), when the V K Konovalov (a Russian attack sub) launched a torpedo at the titled submarine with the safeties off in an attempt to once and for all end its threat. That weapon, having missed both the Red October (its intended target) and another submarine (the USS Dallas) now continued on, searching for any target of opportunity. In the end, it chose those very same people who first sent it on its way. Perhaps we should use it as a teaching moment, when we listen to the words of the first officer as he scolds the captain of that Russian submarine for firing a weapon without understanding where the damage would actually occur:

"You arrogant ass, you've killed us!"

Stop The Madness

As part of the madness that masquerades as every day existence for me, I am periodically subjected to things outside of my control. No, I am not complaining about my lot in life (though if you have a hour or two, I will be happy to). I am talking about the loss of freedom, the physical and mental degradation, and public embarrassment that we subject ourselves to every time that we fly on an airplane. Now I know that I have touched on this before, but these periodic reminders do little harm, and may do you some actual good. I am therefore going to apply some common sense (something that one should never do where government regulations are involved), and comment on some of the madness that are the current TSA security regulations regarding air travel:
 

Liquids cannot not be brought on as carry-on luggage in volumes more than 3 oz.
I have to ask first, what can I do with 4 oz that I couldn't do with 3? Is this some critical mass in chemistry that I was never made aware of? And if I have two different containers with 3 oz of the same fluid, does this too constitute a violation of the regulation, and if it does how would they know?

I can't carry a pocket knife with a 1" blade (or longer) onto a plane.
I understand that a knife can be used as a weapon, but if that's the case, why have airlines gone back from using plastic butter knives to metal ones? If knives are the only issue, then why do the airlines hand out metal forks with 1" tynes? Call me silly, but it seems this eating implement could also easily be used a a weapon. Heck, the handle on a metal spoon can be pretty dangerous used by someone with training.  

I can't have more than (2) boxes of matches in my checked luggage.
(See 3 oz of liquid) What danger are 3 boxes of matches going to pose that 2 didn't? What if I have traveling companions carry some for me? Is there some critical mass at which matches become bombs? Haven't these guys ever heard of collecting matches as souvenirs from restaurants?  

I can't carry a lighter in my checked luggage.  
I can only assume that this is because it might ignite the matches that I or someone else collected from the restaurants. Since it is checked luggage however, this would have to happen spontaneously.

... and here's my favorite after some recent international travel Liquor or perfume purchased at a duty free store out of the country constitute liquids. 

In spite of the fact that they are purchased after you pass through security in a foreign airport, are factory sealed, and that they are not delivered to you until just before you board the plane, they are a violation of TSA rules once you land. Because you must pass through security before boarding your domestic connection, you must put these liquids into your checked luggage (which of course you find out about after you have already rechecked this luggage for the domestic portion of the flight). 

Your options are then to:  

1. Go back and check just the liquids at the counter (because luggage never gets damaged in processing).  
2. Go back to the counter and convince the airline to bring your luggage back up so you can put it in your checked luggage (if you have time).  
3. Allow TSA to confiscate the liquor or perfume that you purchased and allow you to continue on your way. (Good booze and perfume, oh baby. Sign me up for the next TSA office party or work picnic.)  

Listen, I still fly a fair bit and I would like the airlines to be safe. I do not take that safety lightly, but I can't help but take lightly the lunacy that masquerades as security and the Wal-Mart greeters in charge of it. I want to know why they keep hiring the guy who wrote the rules for the IRS to do so for every other agency. I would like to know why it takes 3 people to operate an X-ray machine at an airport, and 1 at a hospital. Actually though, I just really want to know why the government believes that harassing every air traveler will make them safer. 

If this is the only way that we can be safe, then they better pass a law forbidding the construction of any building of more than two stories for fear of earthquakes. The truth of the matter is that it was probably easier to get through Checkpoint Charlie (the crossing point between East and West Berlin when the Wall was still up for you young people), than it is to board an airplane these days in the US. 

TSA's answer to the concept of security is suspect profiling that assumes that everyone is guilty (though some airports will grant you the privilege of the equivalent of an FBI profile to get a card that says that you aren't a threat). Ignoring successful programs in Israel and European countries with far higher threat levels, we instead settle for the gang who couldn't shoot straight and a process right out of bad Marx Brother movie (you know, the ones where Zeppo sang all the time).

And even then like cattle lining up for the slaughter, we calmly cue ourselves up to participate in this farce. Simply a part of the lowing herd, we divest ourselves of jewelery, electronic equipment, and articles of clothing so that we can be processed like the mindless beasts that we allow them to treat us as.  

The only people that TSA will capture under the current system will be more than terrorists, they will be morons. So shame on us all for submitting to an abuse of the very laws that this country was founded on.  

(As a note for personal safety, duct tape is legal as part of carry-on luggage and may be required to keep your head from exploding while dealing with TSA.)

 

Airlines

I was recently asked to travel for business purposes which will necessitate the use of the airline industry. I used to do this quite a bit, and while I am happy to be able to make the trip, I am afraid that my experience with airline travel in the past has left me with the distinct aroma and sour taste in my mouth of natural fertilizer, and an impending sense of dread where future travel is concerned. Since I now have a soapbox on which to recount and complain about these prior experiences, I shall do so here.

Arriving at the Temple of Travel that my hard earned tax dollars have paid to build (and are paying to remodel every other year whether it needs it or not), I get to stand in a long line at a ticket counter, only to have to serve myself in the end. With some luck, the computer that I am dealing with agrees that I have a reservation and that I will not have to sit in a seat between two retired sumo wrestlers (but I'm not holding my breath). 

Now clutching a document that the airlines call a 'Boarding Pass', but which seems more like a certificate reading either "I am an Idiot" or "Please Torture and Abuse Me', I hand my belongings over to the airlines for attempted destruction, and quietly make my way to the security area. My God, these people know as much about real security as I do about nuclear physics! Any relation that the government regulations involved here have to actual security is purely accidental, and the use of common sense is strictly prohibited by this bunch of people who wouldn't qualify as greeters in a Wal-Mart. The experience would be funny as a Monty Python sketch or a scene from a Mel Brooks movie, but when it is happening to you ... not so much. 

Eventually however, having submitted to a complete loss of dignity (and a body cavity search), I am released from this "Midnight Express" experience and allowed to proceed to the gate. Fighting my way through the ADL in both terminal and gate area (see previous posting "Emergency Travel Alert"), I finally manage to find my seat, only to find it occupied by someone who didn't seem to understand the concept of either the numbers or the alphabet and how they relate to seat assignments. After explaining these concepts to them, I finally manage to sit down in what I realize has mostly become a Greyhound bus with wings, only to find myself crammed into a piece of furniture that would be considered excessive torture during the Spanish Inquisition (which nobody expected, by the way). 

Wedged in and unable to move, I am lectured unceasingly on such esoteric concepts as the operation of a seat belt, how to breathe through a mask, and why I should spend the last minutes of my life sucking old beer farts our of a seat cushion that I erroneously chose as a floatation device in the event of a "Water Landing". (I sometimes ask myself why, if this is a landing, they can't just make the plane float, but never get an intelligent answer.)

Having now lost my will to live, I gratefully accept food served in a portion so small that a United Nations relief effort in a Third World Hell Hole would would be aghast at its distribution; and a beverage portion normally reserved for cowboys drinking 'rot-gut whiskey' in a western movie. (That is of course, assuming that you are served anything at all) 

I point out specifically that you accept these things gratefully because if you do not, the person passing them out (who does not seem to be particularly happy in their job) can have you arrested at the next stop for any lack of cooperation that you show. I finally attempt to fall asleep, hoping that the oblivion of unconsciousness will serve as a release from this nightmare; only to be awakened by a pilot who had seems to have missed his calling as the tour guide for the butter sculpture tent at the state fair, and who feels that my travel experience could only be enhanced by telling me that I was flying over Ft. Wayne, Indiana (it wasn't).

Finally reaching my destination, I bleakly make my way down to the baggage claim area; only to find that my baggage has been lost, stolen, or has become so unrecognizable because of the damage that has been done to it during transit that I am no longer capable of recognizing it. Disheartened, but by now pummeled by the experience to the point that I am only capable of nodding my head vaguely; I disconsolately fill out the proper forms for recompense for my property, knowing that I will probably receive a settlement capable of allowing me to purchase one designer outfit consisting of blue jeans and a tee shirt from the aforementioned Wal-Mart (but only if its on sale). Looking back on the entire experience, I really have to wonder why I am not looking forward to my upcoming trip and why I don't try to do this more often...

Emergency Travel Alert

This is a special travel alert for any and all of you who are planning on venturing out during this final bit of the vacation season this summer. There is a malevolent group of individuals out there that is bent on doing unspeakable evil upon you and if you expect to survive your trip, you need to be on the lookout. No, I'm not talking about the guys with the cheese and cell phones or Islamic terrorists. I talking about a far more dangerous group, and one that has carrying out its nefarious schemes far longer. I'm talking about no less than ...

The Anti-Destination League

What, you say that you have never heard of the ADL? Well of course you haven't. This organization, steeped in secrecy since the beginnings of the public transportation, seeks only to make people's lives miserable while travelling. Recruitment methods and initiation rituals continue to remain a mystery (though it appears that having a mean spirit and rotten disposition seems to be considered almost essential for potential membership - you know, government employees). Neither has any successful infiltration of this organization led to revelation of their methods of operation or of the ghastly practices that they perpetrate on an unsuspecting public. It has been said in fact, that they taught the Masons about secrecy and the IRA about retribution.

Come on you say, no such organization could possibly exist and remain so completely unknown. Let me ask you this:

• Who do you think blocks ticket counters preventing anyone from checking in for flights?
• Who do you think are the people who block the boarding gates at airports preventing you from getting on a plane, even when they cannot or will not board themselves?
• Who stands next to the baggage carousel, apparently without bags to pick up, and prevents you from getting to your luggage?
• Who stops in the middle of a crowded terminal for no apparent reason, blocking your way when you are racing to catch a flight for which you are already late?
• Who refuses to sit in their seat and fasten their seat belt after boarding a plane, delaying its departure and insuring that you miss your connecting flight?
• Who do you think really runs the TSA security system?

Ah, only now do you begin to see that what you thought were simple misfortunes or random bad luck were in fact an elaborate strategy. Only now can you begin to conceive of the devious operations perpetrated on an unsuspecting public by this band of evil doers. No my friends, these are not amateurs, but experts in the art of preventing anyone from getting anywhere.

What then, is your defense against them? Can you hope to survive your coming confrontation with these masters of travel mischief. Ladies and gentlemen you can. While they cannot be avoided, their plans for you can be circumvented by following these simple procedures:

1. Keep a smile on your face and a sunny disposition at all times (it not only infuriates them, but can throw them off their game).
2. Keep your carry-on luggage close and firmly in your grasp no matter what. (Not only will this action protect the luggage itself, but may provide you a weapon of last resort in the event of a serious confrontation.)
3. Keep you plans flexible. (After all, no matter how well you plan, they may get to you.)

Good Luck, And Good Travels