Halloween Costumes 2007

As I have previously pointed out in an earlier post "Run and Hide, The Candidates Are Coming", Halloween is just around the corner. That means that many of you may be having trouble deciding on costumes for this last of the pagan holidays. While I claim no expertise in this area; common sense, some degree of insight, and a twisted and perverse sense of humor means that I may have a few suggestions for some of you undecided out there:  

Here In Toledo:

• Any member of City Council (or that of a Lucas County Commissioner for that matter). Such a costume will allow you to take as much as you wish from any household that you visit, since 93% of them don't seem to give a damn who you are or how much you take anyway.
• Mayor Finkbeiner's dog Scout. Walking around with your tongue hanging out and panting, you should engender a great deal of sympathy and might even get something interesting to drink. (Do not wear this costume near city hall however, or you may end up locked in the back of the mayor's car.)
• Bill Dillard, the majority owner of Southwyck Mall. Be careful with this costume, as someone may try and take away your "Trick or Treat" bag through Eminent Domain.
• A downtown storefront. Hey, it's not a great costume, but it is a simple one. All you need is a sheet of plywood in front.
• Larry Dillin, developer. This one is easy. Just do your Trick or Treating at city hall and they will give you millions.

For Those of You Outside the Friendly Confines of My Hometown:

• A Cubs uniform. There ought to be a great deal of sympathy out there for any team that hasn't reached their championship in almost 100 years.
• Rex Grossman, former starting quarterback of the Bears. People will give you all kinds of candy, but you will probably throw it away before you get home.
• Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House. (see Toledo City Council) This costume will also allow you take as much as you want. If anyone questions you, just tell them it's for poor children.
• A "poor child" (Sorry, I know this one is wrong, but I couldn't resist). This costume goes with the Pelosi costume. You may not get any candy, but you will get free health care.
• Bill Gates of Microsoft. You don't have to go out and Trick or Treat in this costume. You already own all of the candy.
• Any second tier presidential candidate. You won't get much out there, but the advantage is that you can look like anything that you want and no one will recognize you anyway.
• Bill Clinton. Everyone will like you and give you something, but you probably won't be allowed to do your rounds near anyone's wife or daughter.
• A smoker. This is actually a version of a martyr's costume. You probably will not get anything in this costume, and won't even be allowed to stand near the doors of the houses you go to. (I didn't say it was a good costume, did I?)
• Hilary Clinton, presidential front-running candidate. This may be the scariest costume of the season, but should allow you to get candy from houses that you haven't even been to through bundling. The only trick to this one is that you have to say "Trick or Treat" and then cackle in a demented fashion.

Just in case you were wondering, I will be the guy out there in the Monk's robes. The life of poverty and chastity that I live these days demands it, and it does allow me to sip a bit of Irish Whiskey during my rounds to keep out the cold.