Thursday, October 20, 2011

TFP Column(s): Halloween Costumes 2011 / The Perfect Storm

Well it's that time of year again when demons, zombies, and delusional freaks who believe they are super heroes will once more be walking the streets.  Oh sure, you can say that they're just politicians making last ditch attempts to scare up a few votes for next months elections, but quite frankly they terrify the hell out of me.

Far less alarming however, are this year's suggestions for disguises that can be used for garnering the only handouts that do not come from the government these days.  So it was with recently repaired sarcasm and irony keys on my computer and tongue planted firmly in cheek, that the annual "Halloween 2011" costume recommendations was penned for the TFP. 

Of course it's all a bit of harmless Halloween fun ... you know, like lighting bags of dog crap on fire on people's porches (not that I ever did anything like that of course), and a lot easier to clean off of your shoes.

There were even a few costume additions that limitations on column space and time restrictions did not permit me, that I am now able to add here: 

Stand on the porch of the homes you visit with a shoe (or rubber foot) in your mouth.  When asked, tell them you are VP Joe Biden; then quickly shove the item back into place to before you say something else stupid.

Put on your Sunday best, pin a piece of paper with a "1" on it to your clothes, and wear a demonic mask or makeup.  When queried, respond that you are one of the 'evil rich' and don't they wish that they were too.

Women can paint a black eye on while wearing anything else that they choose.  When asked, tell them you are recently returned from Topeka, Kansas; where misdemeanor domestic violence laws were not being prosecuted (and where existing laws for charging this misdemeanor were dropped by the city council) for a day in a rather sad political budget pissing match. 

Wear something business casual and carry a clipboard full of multicolored forms, a stick pen, and a very stern expression.  When asked about your costume, tell them that you are the most dangerous person in the United States (as defined by Ronald Reagan), "someone from the government who's here to help".

Hey listen!  Since the candy being handed out to children as an integral part of this celebration violates every one of the recommended government dietary requirements, I urge all of you to 'Occupy Halloween' by putting the children in your neighborhood in a sugar frenzy that their parents will not soon forget.

If that concept isn't scary enough for you however, try this one on for size:

What might happen if those in the 'Occupy' movement, keen on taking bankers and Wall Street villains to task, come to realize that it's the government regulations and regulators that are really to blame for rigging the game.  Then add in the righteous (and more well organized) indignation of the TEA Party movement that has likewise come to realize that the enemy, if there is one, is the faceless bureaucrat who regulates their every moment and the legislator who ceded his Constitutionally mandated power to a bunch unelected government courtiers and sycophants.

What it meant to me at least, is the possibility that the best and brightest from the two groups might begin to recognize their power and come together in "The Perfect Storm" thirteen months before the next big election.

Of course what this means is that after an absence of a couple of weeks, you will find not one, but two efforts of mine in this weekend's Toledo Free Press.  (There's even an ugly rumor going around that the Halloween costume bit will appear in the print edition this week as well.)   

As always however, there is far more and far better to be found in the pages of this weekend's edition and some exclusively on the TFP website.  I therefore urge you to spend a little time catching up on everything else that's going on in Toledo and Northwest Ohio this weekend with Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and what's recognized as Ohio's Best Weekly Newspaper, the Toledo Free Press.


No comments: