The "Stuck on Stupid" Dictionary #37

Just when we thought we had addressed all of the productivity issues (one way or the other) with our crew of rather lackadaisical lexicographers, something beyond the inexcusable occurs; creating the kind of thing that drives the senior editorial staff here at 'Just Blowing Smoke; positively berserk.  (This is a journey which I can assure readers does not add significantly to the carbon footprint of JBS.)

It seems that having recognized that the best way to get back into the good graces of management would be to show some form of exemplary effort where their livelihoods were concerned, this shiftless gaggle of glossarians were attempting to purge their work area of its customary level of filth, when they discovered an entry that had become lost in the flotsam, jetsam, and decaying organic matter that normally keeps the rest of us from entering their work area.  It is therefore with the greatest of apologies (on a number of levels) that we belatedly enter this effort into the SOS lexicon.

For those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this tome of tomfoolery (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the label of dictionary), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but which appear to mean something entirely different when looked at through the jaded eyes and rose colored glasses of the SOS dictionary staff.

Substantially Compliant:

1. Compliance with the essential requirements of a law or statute that satisfies its objective or intent without formally complying with same.

2. The curious claim of City Councilwoman Lindsay Webb during her last re-election bid that written acceptance of her nomination 12 days after being notified is acceptable, in spite of the fact that the City Charter of Toledo requires that such written acceptance be submitted within 5 days (making her argument both weak and a week late).

3. The curious action of the Board of Election in accepting Councilwoman Webb's substantially late paperwork and certifying her for election in spite of being notified by one of its employees of the belated arrival of said documents and the Charter violation involved.

4. The equally belated challenge of her opponent in the election Douglas DeCamp when he filed his paperwork with that same Board of Elections; and the subsequent block of a belated review of this belated paperwork by the Sixth District Court of Appeals.  The result of which left all in substantial compliance with something, but no two in compliance with the same thing.

5. The level of failure shown to good order and discipline by the unintentionally postponed posting of this entire embarrassing episode by the inexcusable retardation of normal activities by the loitering (and littering) behavior of the lexicographers of the SOS Dictionary.  (One cannot help but note however, that this dastardly delinquency does seem curiously appropriate, if not substantially consistent with the whole affair.) 

 

TFP Column(s): Halloween Costumes 2011 / The Perfect Storm

Well it's that time of year again when demons, zombies, and delusional freaks who believe they are super heroes will once more be walking the streets.  Oh sure, you can say that they're just politicians making last ditch attempts to scare up a few votes for next months elections, but quite frankly they terrify the hell out of me.

Far less alarming however, are this year's suggestions for disguises that can be used for garnering the only handouts that do not come from the government these days.  So it was with recently repaired sarcasm and irony keys on my computer and tongue planted firmly in cheek, that the annual "Halloween 2011" costume recommendations was penned for the TFP. 

Of course it's all a bit of harmless Halloween fun ... you know, like lighting bags of dog crap on fire on people's porches (not that I ever did anything like that of course), and a lot easier to clean off of your shoes.

There were even a few costume additions that limitations on column space and time restrictions did not permit me, that I am now able to add here: 

Stand on the porch of the homes you visit with a shoe (or rubber foot) in your mouth.  When asked, tell them you are VP Joe Biden; then quickly shove the item back into place to before you say something else stupid.

Put on your Sunday best, pin a piece of paper with a "1" on it to your clothes, and wear a demonic mask or makeup.  When queried, respond that you are one of the 'evil rich' and don't they wish that they were too.

Women can paint a black eye on while wearing anything else that they choose.  When asked, tell them you are recently returned from Topeka, Kansas; where misdemeanor domestic violence laws were not being prosecuted (and where existing laws for charging this misdemeanor were dropped by the city council) for a day in a rather sad political budget pissing match. 

Wear something business casual and carry a clipboard full of multicolored forms, a stick pen, and a very stern expression.  When asked about your costume, tell them that you are the most dangerous person in the United States (as defined by Ronald Reagan), "someone from the government who's here to help".

Hey listen!  Since the candy being handed out to children as an integral part of this celebration violates every one of the recommended government dietary requirements, I urge all of you to 'Occupy Halloween' by putting the children in your neighborhood in a sugar frenzy that their parents will not soon forget.

If that concept isn't scary enough for you however, try this one on for size:

What might happen if those in the 'Occupy' movement, keen on taking bankers and Wall Street villains to task, come to realize that it's the government regulations and regulators that are really to blame for rigging the game.  Then add in the righteous (and more well organized) indignation of the TEA Party movement that has likewise come to realize that the enemy, if there is one, is the faceless bureaucrat who regulates their every moment and the legislator who ceded his Constitutionally mandated power to a bunch unelected government courtiers and sycophants.

What it meant to me at least, is the possibility that the best and brightest from the two groups might begin to recognize their power and come together in "The Perfect Storm" thirteen months before the next big election.

Of course what this means is that after an absence of a couple of weeks, you will find not one, but two efforts of mine in this weekend's Toledo Free Press.  (There's even an ugly rumor going around that the Halloween costume bit will appear in the print edition this week as well.)   

As always however, there is far more and far better to be found in the pages of this weekend's edition and some exclusively on the TFP website.  I therefore urge you to spend a little time catching up on everything else that's going on in Toledo and Northwest Ohio this weekend with Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and what's recognized as Ohio's Best Weekly Newspaper, the Toledo Free Press.

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TFP Column: How Many Wrongs Make A Right?

After taking a week off to do some training in my chosen profession (well, at least the one that pays me), I found myself writing at a furious pace upon my return.  So it is with some pleasure that I offer this link to what I hope will be the first of two pieces to appear this week on the Toledo Free Press website.

The subject of this first effort is the ongoing saga of the misdeeds, misstatements, and mistakes being made in the District 6 City Council primary going on in Toledo.  I remember well my parents telling me that 'two wrongs don't make a right'.  With all of the wrongs being perpetrated in what should, at least in theory be a simple balloting process in Toledo, you have to ask yourself however, "How Many Wrongs Make A Right?"  

Now Editor-in-Chief Michael Miller tells me that this weekend's edition of the TFP is to be a special one.  Of course I believe that they all are (or maybe it's just the ones in which I am included).  My advice however, would be to keep your eyes open both for the mid-week Star edition, and of course for Toledo's largest circulation Sunday and Ohio's Best Weekly Newspaper, the Toledo Free Press.

Odds and Ends

I would like to be able to tell you that the mid-week rant will be an inspiring bit of rhetoric that will undoubtedly move you in ways that you have yet to comprehend.  I would also like to be able to tell you that I am in my mid 30's, am in the best shape of my life, and possess the wisdom and riches of Solomon. Unfortunately, neither of the above statements is true.  

This week's writing efforts have in fact consisted mostly of sitting in front of a keyboard and waiting for inspiration to stop in for a visit.  Since she doesn't appear to have me on her social calendar, it seemed that it might be a great time to 'take out a little trash'; hoping that in doing so, the whole might prove greater than the sum of the parts.

Earthquakes

There have been three earthquakes this week in the US (and another in South America).  All were about the same magnitude, but the ones in Colorado and California were greatly overshadowed by that which was centered between DC and Richmond, VA.  Certainly it's unusual to have an earthquake along the East Coast, but it's equally unusual to hear of one in Colorado.  Perhaps the importance granted to this eastern quake is because like most everything else in this country, something is only important if it happens in Washington or New York.

I would normally be greatly concerned by such events, seeing them in terms of the imminent approach of the Apocalypse (or at least as signs of Global Warming),  especially when coupled with the mass hysteria of the recent London riots; but since I haven't seen any dogs and cats living together, I find that I am in fact less concerned than I probably should be.
 
The East Coast quake did at least provide us with a laugh, as paraphrasing a couple of postings in Facebook: "The Obama Administration, in conjunction with the USGS, today announced that the epicenter of the 5.8 magnitude earthquake near Washington DC may have occurred along one of three rather obscure fault lines, the "Bush's Fault", the "Tea Party's Fault" or the "Not My Fault".  The press release went on to state that this event can be largely attributed to seismic displacement in the area caused by a number of the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves."


A Tangled Webb of Lies

Toledo District 6 City Councilwoman Lindsay Webb is currently embroiled in a rather interesting controversy.  Apparently the incumbent Councilperson failed to turn some required paperwork in to the Lucas County Board of Elections by the required date to be included on the ballot for re-election to her post.  Her opponent, Douglas DeCamp asked that she be removed from the ballot for violating provisions of the City Charter in regards to this paperwork; to which Webb responded that she had mailed it on time from Ann Arbor, MI and that the Post Office had routed the document through Detroit, causing it to be a week late.

An alleged copy of the envelope used for that mailing has surfaced through the news department of 1370 WSPD AM, showing that this piece of mail in fact had a Toledo post mark and was mailed one day before being received by the Board of Elections (which would in fact make it a late filing under both strict and substantive compliance considerations).  These "dog ate my homework" inconsistencies with Lindsay Webb's statements (and excuses) may prove problematic for this candidate, even as a Democrat in Toledo.  The fact that she was placed on the ballot without having the proper paperwork in place may prove equally troubling for a Lucas Country Board of Elections that is already under fire.

This situation is now currently under review by both that same BOE, as well as the 6th District Court of Appeals.  It's likely that there will be a good bit of tap-dancing music being played in the coming days as Ms. Webb attempts to earn a spot on the Olympic back-peddling team (and the final ballot) trying to explain this apparent web of deceit.


Republican Primary Entertainment

We are still months away from any actual voting in Republican primaries, but pollsters are busy a couple of times a week trying to figure out who the leading candidates for the Republican nomination are.  (None of them has yet discovered why we should care who's in the lead this early in the game, but I guess they're not hired for that.)

In between important stories about why we shouldn't vote for Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann, or Mitt Romney; they barely noticed that Ron Paul took second place in the Iowa straw poll, the only official voting (well, kind of official anyway) yet done. Of course Rep Paul is still accused of being on the crazy train for wanting to get us out of Iraq and Afghanistan (you know, like Democrats), for wanting to reduce taxes (like Tea Party members), and for trying to put entitlement programs on a sound fiscal footing (like Republicans in Congress).  It's hard to argue with the concept that this dark horse candidate (no racism intended) may not only be running with the pack, but on the verge of taking a lead.

But it's far too early to  tell any of what's going on, which is why the talking heads are spending so much time trying to do so.  This endless statistical analysis, coupled with the apparent disregard for the actual score of the game leads me to believe that a real opportunity is being overlooked here.  

Perhaps what primary politics needs is a Fantasy League where candidates can be drafted in office pools, twice weekly polling numbers can be compared for points, trades made, and prizes awarded based on who actually makes it to the big game.  

If the Fantasy League thing isn't workable, maybe we could put the whole bunch in a big house with lots of cameras, and film them at each others' throats as a Political Reality Show. (I'm betting the networks would fight over it, and the Republican Party could certainly use the revenues from such a show for the Presidential campaign war chest.  It's the only way that they're going to be able to compete with the amount of money that President Obama is raising.)  As boring as primary season is, perhaps some co-opted form of mindless entertainment might be just the ticket to make the process slightly more bearable until the actual voting begins.