Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Shopping Days of Halloween

Oh how I love these days leading up to Halloween. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I plan to go out and Trick or Treat the neighborhood (even without a costume, that prospect is simply too frightening to contemplate). No, I am enamored of this period because of the shopping days of Halloween. 

You see, having long ago decided on an annual costume, I am free to peruse other delights. I can wander the aisles endlessly in search of the treasures of Halloween. I can gaze longingly at Snickers, Milky Ways, and Three Musketeers. I can remember with joy the times when I could stuff my face with Nestles Crunch, Butterfingers, and Baby Ruth bars. I can even think back to the days when Popcorn balls and taffy apples could be handed out without handling them with Hazmat suits or run through X-ray machines before consuming them. (I can also sneer at the little boxes of fruit that some still attempt to substitute for the real goodies.) 

Heck, I'll even spend a few minutes noticing the current crop of "decorations made easy" for houses these days, full of inflatable pumpkins and pre-formed spider webs. Finally I will falsely admire the current trends in kiddy costumes and how politically correct they look with massive eyeholes for proper vision and special luminescent colors to insure that they can be seen from space. 

The bottom line however, is that this is the only time of the year when I can run two or three bags of these sugar-filled goodies past the check out staff at the store without getting a raised eyebrow in the direction of my waistline. It is only time that by telling myself that I must prepare for the arrival of cute little munchkins in costume that I can attempt to fool my conscience over their purchase. 

To be brutally honest, it's the only time when I have the excuse of potentially handing these politically incorrect treats out to already obese children that I can replenish my stash of ill-gotten sweets. Of course those who know me well know that the lights will be out on Halloween at my house, and quietly sitting in the dark in the middle of some completely lame horror film festival, amidst a growing pile of empty wrappers, and will be occasionally be unobtrusively and nibbling on these unrequired holiday donations in almost tearful admission of my long standing addiction to these confections. 

Riddled with guilt, I will nevertheless spare those calorically challenged children from the horrors of what I see in the mirror every day. Caught up in a chocolate-filled ecstasy, I will mourn the days of my youth and the thrill of discovering the unknown treats from a hard nights work of begging door-to-door. While there are yet two weeks to go however, I will simply be enjoying the shopping days of Halloween. 
(For those of you who just can't stand not knowing, the annual costume hanging in my closet is a monk's robe that I purchased some time back. Not only does it adequately cover all that should be covered, but in my particular case it also perfectly illustrates the life of poverty and chastity that I have been my pitiful lot recently ...)


Anonymous said...

Too funny - I just returned from the store with 3 bags of minis, with the very same motivation!!

Roman said...

...I resemble all of these remarks, and I too remember the time that your parents did not have to worry about some warped mind doing something truly nasty to your treats.

I invested in a couple bags of treats today, favorites of mine to be sure, and even cast an eye to a "smoke machine", trying and failing to find some reason to purchase it.

Tim Higgins said...

Ah, the guilty adult pleasures of a children's holiday ...