Halloween Costumes - 2013

While this effort has already been picked up by the Toledo Free Press with both it's local Toledo-oriented entries as well as National suggestions,  I thought that it would be worthwhile however for those who might not understand the local  Glass City references to post only those costume ideas that had national implications here.  Besides, there always seems to be additions to this annual effort as the week of its  creation progresses (as a matter of fact, additions have already been made since this was originally posted.), and the TFP has both space and modification restrictions that must be respected.  If you check back later this week therefore, you're likely to discover additions to this entry that you missed earlier.  

Here is the link to the Toledo Free Press website effort that includes the Toledo specific entries as well as most of the national ones.

Halloween is almost upon us, though there's still plenty of time to choose a costume. For those of you who remain 'costume-challenged' for this all-important candy grab however, we here at “Just Blowing Smoke” have once again come up with our annual list of politically-oriented (and politically incorrect) suggestions that could make you the hit of your neighborhood, if not a viral source of public ridicule on Facebook and YouTube.
 

• Place some orange cones on your driveway and install a flimsy gate across the sidewalk leading to your front door with a broken lock and a newly painted 'Closed' sign hanging from it. Leave your porch light on however to encourage participants to push past these feeble barriers. When revelers ring the bell and say 'Trick or Treat', tell them they shouldn't be there but give them candy anyway. If asked about this apparently contradictory behavior, tell them you're the National Park Service.
• Take a big piece of plastic sheeting and paint a wavy blue line across it.  Wrap it around yourself and fasten it together; then make your neighborhood begging rounds.  When asked, tell them that you're a glass, and you think you're half-empty.  What do they think?
• Wear a nice suit and.Trick or Treat from door to door while weeping and mumbling logically contradictory statements on the state of the nation and laws that should be passed as if nobody is listening (they won't be). When asked, wipe a tear from your eye and stammer 'God bless America', before telling them you are Speaker of the House John Boehner. 
• Trick or Treat from door to door, carrying either a recently minted dog turd or freshly filled diaper to sniff right before the door is answered. When residents note your pinched, rather constipated expression and ask about your costume, tell them you are Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and refuse to accept any candy they offer you.
• Wear a piece of poster board on your chest with the neatly printed words: “We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by ...” as you walk your neighborhood route. When asked, tell them that you are the 'Affordable Healthcare Website', take their candy, and apologize for not being able to give them anything in return; requesting that they try again later (after all, it's settled law) before moving on.
• Trick or Treat from door to door spouting the most wild, illogical, and even insane beliefs about the news at the top of your voice; making sure to periodically blame Republicans as the cause of the world's ills. When asked, tell them you're a show host for MSNBC.
• Trick or Treat the neighborhood and give the normal greeting when the door is answered. When homeowners attempt to speak however, interrupt their attempts to do so as foolish while disparagingly insisting that you know best about everything and insist that you are only taking their candy 'for the folks'. You will, of course, be masquerading as Fox News host Bill O'Reilly; and should be ashamed of yourself for providing him even that much attention.
• Wear whatever you want in while making your Trick or Treat rounds.  When asked who you're supposed to be and what you've done, tell them you're a member of the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW). When they explain that they don't know who that is, tell them that neither does anyone else, but that you're charged with cleaning up the poison gas in Syria and that you haven't actually done much of anything yet ... except for winning this year's Nobel Peace Prize.  
• Come to think of it, if you would like to Trick or Treat your neighborhood in a formal tuxedo with tails and can speak with a Norwegian or Swedish accent (I use the Swedish cook one from Sesame Street), you can go as a member of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee.  When they answer the door, give them one of the little blue ribbons you'll need to carry and explain that these days you're giving out the prize to damn near anyone whether they've ever done anything or not.  
• Wear something business casual and carry a clipboard full of computer printouts, along with your 'Trick or Treat' bag.  When homeowners answer the door, page through the list 'harrumphing', while telling them you're from the NSA and they shouldn't feel obligated to give you a special reward not to release the information they've gathered on you. 
• Kick a can from house to house on your Trick or Treat route and lethargically hold out your bag when the door is answered.  If questioned on your costume or your lousy attitude, tell homeowners you're a member of the new Congressional Budget Conference Committee and you're as optimistic of success in your coming Congressional efforts as you are of getting $20 bills from them for a 'Treat'.
• Drag out that old zombie costume from your 'Thriller' days but carry around a newspaper delivery bag instead of a Trick or Treat bag.  When those on your route ask about your costume, you might have to explain that it's the daily newspaper and not the carrier who's all but dead; but most will get the message. 
• If you want to really scare everyone however, you may dress however you'd like and carry a sign around your neck with the old Ronald Reagan quote about "the nine most terrifying words in the English language":  "We're from the government and were here to help."
• Wear a pair of jeans, flannel shirt, and cowboy hat; while also wearing President Obama masque on your 'Trick or Treat' rounds.  When asked, tell them that you are an out-of-work rodeo clown.  
• Walk your neighborhood in whatever you'd like and when the houses in the neighborhood answer their doors, mumble "Trick or Treat" in a disgruntled voice.  When asked about your attitude and costume (or lack of it), tell them that you are a non-essential federal employee, and were much happier when still at home watching "The View" on the shutdown's paid vacation.
  (By the way those of you actually capable of doing this should be ashamed ... not for enjoying the paid vacation, but of watching "The View".)
• Refuse to dress up, Trick or Treat, or decorate your house for Halloween; but buy a bunch of candy and leave your porch light on to encourage neighborhood participation in the festivities. When Trick or Treaters arrive, smile and engage them pleasantly, but refuse to give them any of the clearly visible candy you possess. When asked about this apparent contradiction, tell them you're a member of Congress and you're intention is to keep all the goodies for yourself.

TFP Column(s): Halloween Costumes 2011 / The Perfect Storm

Well it's that time of year again when demons, zombies, and delusional freaks who believe they are super heroes will once more be walking the streets.  Oh sure, you can say that they're just politicians making last ditch attempts to scare up a few votes for next months elections, but quite frankly they terrify the hell out of me.

Far less alarming however, are this year's suggestions for disguises that can be used for garnering the only handouts that do not come from the government these days.  So it was with recently repaired sarcasm and irony keys on my computer and tongue planted firmly in cheek, that the annual "Halloween 2011" costume recommendations was penned for the TFP. 

Of course it's all a bit of harmless Halloween fun ... you know, like lighting bags of dog crap on fire on people's porches (not that I ever did anything like that of course), and a lot easier to clean off of your shoes.

There were even a few costume additions that limitations on column space and time restrictions did not permit me, that I am now able to add here: 

Stand on the porch of the homes you visit with a shoe (or rubber foot) in your mouth.  When asked, tell them you are VP Joe Biden; then quickly shove the item back into place to before you say something else stupid.

Put on your Sunday best, pin a piece of paper with a "1" on it to your clothes, and wear a demonic mask or makeup.  When queried, respond that you are one of the 'evil rich' and don't they wish that they were too.

Women can paint a black eye on while wearing anything else that they choose.  When asked, tell them you are recently returned from Topeka, Kansas; where misdemeanor domestic violence laws were not being prosecuted (and where existing laws for charging this misdemeanor were dropped by the city council) for a day in a rather sad political budget pissing match. 

Wear something business casual and carry a clipboard full of multicolored forms, a stick pen, and a very stern expression.  When asked about your costume, tell them that you are the most dangerous person in the United States (as defined by Ronald Reagan), "someone from the government who's here to help".

Hey listen!  Since the candy being handed out to children as an integral part of this celebration violates every one of the recommended government dietary requirements, I urge all of you to 'Occupy Halloween' by putting the children in your neighborhood in a sugar frenzy that their parents will not soon forget.

If that concept isn't scary enough for you however, try this one on for size:

What might happen if those in the 'Occupy' movement, keen on taking bankers and Wall Street villains to task, come to realize that it's the government regulations and regulators that are really to blame for rigging the game.  Then add in the righteous (and more well organized) indignation of the TEA Party movement that has likewise come to realize that the enemy, if there is one, is the faceless bureaucrat who regulates their every moment and the legislator who ceded his Constitutionally mandated power to a bunch unelected government courtiers and sycophants.

What it meant to me at least, is the possibility that the best and brightest from the two groups might begin to recognize their power and come together in "The Perfect Storm" thirteen months before the next big election.

Of course what this means is that after an absence of a couple of weeks, you will find not one, but two efforts of mine in this weekend's Toledo Free Press.  (There's even an ugly rumor going around that the Halloween costume bit will appear in the print edition this week as well.)   

As always however, there is far more and far better to be found in the pages of this weekend's edition and some exclusively on the TFP website.  I therefore urge you to spend a little time catching up on everything else that's going on in Toledo and Northwest Ohio this weekend with Toledo's largest Sunday circulation and what's recognized as Ohio's Best Weekly Newspaper, the Toledo Free Press.

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Halloween Costumes 2010

Halloween is once more almost upon us, and in the final days leading up to it I have been asked once again (well,kind of asked anyway) to submit my suggestions for timely, effective, and often inexpensive Halloween costumes for this year's celebrations. Like political commercials designed to influence the undecided (and generally annoy the hell out of people), hopefully the ideas here will indeed infuriate, while helping those who remain yet uncommitted to a final disguise decision.

• (Women) Dress in an orange jumpsuit, get passing out drunk, and tell everyone that you're Lindsay Lohan and have just escaped from rehab again.
• (Men - not to be left out of the fun) Put on a Scottish kilt, a leather jacket, and an army helmet; get stinking drunk, and tell them that you're Mel Gibson and that they are all assholes.
• Dress up as President Obama and tell all of the kids Trick or Treating that the lousy candy that they're getting this year is the fault of George Bush and the Republicans.
• Dress up in a flannel shirt, jeans, and a Canadian Tuque (knit cap). When asked, tell them you are Randy Quaid and that someone's trying to kill you.
• Knock on every door and insist that every person participate in the Halloween festivities whether they want to or not. When they ask, tell them you are Congress and you just passed a law mandating it.
• If you are a senior citizen, dress up in a football uniform with a #4 jersey (Packers, Jets, and Vikings uniforms will all do). When anyone asks, tell them you are Brett Favre, cry a little, and say that you are never going to quit Trick or Treating, ever ... then ask to borrow a cell phone.
• Dress in your Sunday finest and wear the plastic smiling mask from a theater on your face. When asked, tell them you are one of the many Republicans running for office expecting to be swept in on the tidal wave of voter support.
• Women can use the alternative of also using their Sunday best, but adding the plastic frown face masque from any theater. When asked, tell them that you're current Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and just realized that next year you're going to have to go back to flying coach cross-country to get home.
• Wear anything that you like, and Trick or Treat houses in the Toledo area; but refuse all offers of candy, asking for cash instead. If asked (and you will be) simply tell them that you are TARTA (the local bus system) or TPS (the local school system), and once again in financial straits.
• Dress up in an inflatable sumo suit, then cover that with the largest and most hideous suit and tie that you can find (to keep anyone from thinking that you're going as Jabba the Hutt). When anyone asks, you can answer Michael Moore or Dick Morris, depending which side of the political spectrum you find more whorish and detestable. (In Dick's case, perhaps both.)
• For those of you who plan to stay home to greet your costumed guests, I recommend putting on a suit and tie and after greeting your tiny guests, ask them who they are dressed as. When they try to answer, interrupt them before they can finish. When asked about your own costume, you can pick from Fox News analysts Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity.
• If you're Congressional candidate in NW Ohio Rich Iott, don't dress up at all. If you've learned anything in recent days, it's that you shouldn't be playing dress up if you want to run for political office.

I know it's been a bad year this year, but you can still do your part to help the dismal retail numbers out there by buying far more candy than you need for the weekend's festivities. Not only will you be helping the economy by your efforts, but few things can make a person feel better about themselves than the endorphins (chemicals your brain produces) released when you're gorging on huge quantities of chocolate. This method of personal satisfaction will also likely keep you from attempting to steal the required mood swing treats from your childrens' bags.

Have a great Halloween!

Halloween Costumes, 2008

I have been asked once again to use my perverse sense of humor on the subject of Halloween costumes. Not being able to resists such requests, I will try to make some last minute suggestions for those of you unable to come up with suitable raiment for your Holiday parties this weekend. 
  

Nationally

• Put on a suit and carry a bucket of fake money, telling people that you are Henry Paulson (Secretary of the Treasury) and giving handouts on the Bailout Plan.
• Wear anything that you like and tell people that you are Bob Barr, Libertarian candidate for president. Hardly anyone knows what he looks like so you won't have a problem.
• Go from house to house with a clipboard and tell people that you are from ACORN, and trying to sign them up to vote.
• Walk the streets, clinging to a toy gun (please make sure that it looks fake) and a Bible and tell them you are from a small town in the Midwest.
• Also from the Midwest (and a tried and true favorite of mine), is to walk the streets in a Cubs uniform. Sympathy for a team that has now not won a World Series in over 100 years should reap rewards.
• Walk around in either a Tennessee Titans or Dallas Cowboys jersey and try and pick a fight with someone at each house. When they ask why, tell them you are Pacman Jones.
• Go from house to house in a Speedo bathing suit, a warm up jacket (especially in my neck of the woods), and a painful expression. When asked, tell them that you are every swimmer who raced against Michael Phelps in the recent Olympics.

Locally In Toledo

• Put on a suit and a fake halo and tell people that you are Ben Konop (Lucas County Commissioner). Carry a bucket of fake money with you and tell those that ask that the money is for their job training.
• Walk the streets pulling wagon loaded with a stuffed dog locked in a cage (Note: the wagon must be left out on the sidewalk while you go to the door without it.) and tell them that you are Mayor Finkbeiner. (If you want to add an extra touch of realism to the costume, you can occasionally throw a coffee cup at someone.)
• Go from house to house the day after Halloween and ask for candy anyway. You can tell them that you are Jon Stainbrook, head of the Lucas County Republican Party, and you have a history of doing things a little late.
• Go from house to house with bag of worn out, broken junk and tell people that you are COSI.
• Carry a marionette from house to house, making your puppet dance from time to time, and tell them that you are John Robinson Block, publisher of the Toledo Blade.
• Get two friends and go from house to house as the "crowd" from an event at the Erie Street Market.
• Attach some fake flowers to your clothes and go as the Reynolds Road entrance to Southwyk Mall.
• The simplest of costumes is always the best, and here locally that is simply to hang a piece of plywood in front and behind you, and tell people that you are a downtown building.

OK, go out there and have some fun; but be careful...

 

Halloween Costumes 2007

As I have previously pointed out in an earlier post "Run and Hide, The Candidates Are Coming", Halloween is just around the corner. That means that many of you may be having trouble deciding on costumes for this last of the pagan holidays. While I claim no expertise in this area; common sense, some degree of insight, and a twisted and perverse sense of humor means that I may have a few suggestions for some of you undecided out there:  

Here In Toledo:

• Any member of City Council (or that of a Lucas County Commissioner for that matter). Such a costume will allow you to take as much as you wish from any household that you visit, since 93% of them don't seem to give a damn who you are or how much you take anyway.
• Mayor Finkbeiner's dog Scout. Walking around with your tongue hanging out and panting, you should engender a great deal of sympathy and might even get something interesting to drink. (Do not wear this costume near city hall however, or you may end up locked in the back of the mayor's car.)
• Bill Dillard, the majority owner of Southwyck Mall. Be careful with this costume, as someone may try and take away your "Trick or Treat" bag through Eminent Domain.
• A downtown storefront. Hey, it's not a great costume, but it is a simple one. All you need is a sheet of plywood in front.
• Larry Dillin, developer. This one is easy. Just do your Trick or Treating at city hall and they will give you millions.

For Those of You Outside the Friendly Confines of My Hometown:

• A Cubs uniform. There ought to be a great deal of sympathy out there for any team that hasn't reached their championship in almost 100 years.
• Rex Grossman, former starting quarterback of the Bears. People will give you all kinds of candy, but you will probably throw it away before you get home.
• Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House. (see Toledo City Council) This costume will also allow you take as much as you want. If anyone questions you, just tell them it's for poor children.
• A "poor child" (Sorry, I know this one is wrong, but I couldn't resist). This costume goes with the Pelosi costume. You may not get any candy, but you will get free health care.
• Bill Gates of Microsoft. You don't have to go out and Trick or Treat in this costume. You already own all of the candy.
• Any second tier presidential candidate. You won't get much out there, but the advantage is that you can look like anything that you want and no one will recognize you anyway.
• Bill Clinton. Everyone will like you and give you something, but you probably won't be allowed to do your rounds near anyone's wife or daughter.
• A smoker. This is actually a version of a martyr's costume. You probably will not get anything in this costume, and won't even be allowed to stand near the doors of the houses you go to. (I didn't say it was a good costume, did I?)
• Hilary Clinton, presidential front-running candidate. This may be the scariest costume of the season, but should allow you to get candy from houses that you haven't even been to through bundling. The only trick to this one is that you have to say "Trick or Treat" and then cackle in a demented fashion.

Just in case you were wondering, I will be the guy out there in the Monk's robes. The life of poverty and chastity that I live these days demands it, and it does allow me to sip a bit of Irish Whiskey during my rounds to keep out the cold.