The "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary #43

Thanksgiving is just a few days away, and perhaps in the hopes of being released from their labors for a four-day weekend, the lazy lexicographers here at the "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary have released some new entries for this twisted lexicon.  Now this is rather unusual behavior for a staff that normally has to verbally abused, if not physically beaten, to get them to notice such responsibilities.  

One might suspect that beyond their desire for a better venue from which to watch the Macy's parade and the football games, that they've begun to hear rumors of their impending dismissal and are attempting to work their way back into the good graces of Senior Staff. (Little do they know that the Senior Staff will likewise be 'transitioning to new opportunities').  More like however, is that they're looking for time away from Headquarters to try and polish up their resumes before being cast to the winds to seek their own futures.

Regardless of the petty personnel problems associated with the continued literary production here however, it comes to my attention that many of you reading this have somehow managed to miss previous postings on this subject.  (Shame on you, now go back and search all of the postings under the label of  'Dictionary'). 

For those of you even more woefully unfamiliar with this rather twisted reference effort, the SOS Dictionary is a guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appears to mean something entirely different when looked at through the jaded eyes and rose colored glasses of the SOS Dictionary staff.

Laws:
 

1. Rules included in a City Charter, the Ohio Revised Code, or passed by City Council and/or ratified by the Mayor which apply to the citizens of Toledo, Ohio; but not to the elected officials who voted on them.

(This definition ostensibly applies only within the confines of the Glass City, though it is often marginally modified for use in every city in Ohio, as well as in States across the nation and at Federal levels as well.)

2. Rules written and voted on by legislators at any level of government that have grown increasing incomprehensible and unintelligible to anyone, including those who wrote them, because of their length, their contradictory nature, and their inconsistent enforcement.

(see Regulations)

 
Regulations:

1. Rules written by unelected bureaucrats at any level of government which carry the force of Law; and which have grown increasing incomprehensible and unintelligible to anyone (including those who wrote them) because of their length, their contradictory nature, and their inconsistent enforcement.

2. Government Rules which can be arbitrarily added to, changed, or removed all together by the bureaucracies which created them (and often profit by them) without the knowledge or permission of the Legislators who originally created these unelected fiefdoms or the citizens whose rights are ultimately infringed upon.

(see Laws)

Incomprehensible:

 
1. Something that cannot be known or comprehended.

2. Something which is unintelligible, or in the Biblical sense 'passes all understanding'.

3. Most of what goes on in government at every level.

4. Shutting the down "Just Blowing Smoke" website and dismissing all of the 'so-called' lazy lexicographers of the SOS Dictionary at the end of the year.
(This last definition was included without the prior knowledge or permission of the Senior Editors.)

The "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary #42

The lazy hazy days of summer here in the Midwest are now past and the beautiful fall colors seem to have created a distraction to the lazy lexicographers of the 'Stuck on Stupid' Dictionary.   Either that, or a misguided belief that the recent 'Tin Man' surgery performed on a member of the senior staff left some of these ne'er do wells to believe they could get away with something.  Have no fear however.  We have been promised that order will be swiftly be reestablished with the the swift recovery of our convalescing "Just Blowing Smoke" Disciplinarian.

Regardless of the petty problems associated with the literary production here however, it seem that there many of you reading this who have somehow managed to miss previous postings on this subject (shame on you, now go back and search all of the postings under the label of  'Dictionary').  For those of you thus unfamiliar, the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appears to mean something entirely different when looked at through the jaded eyes and rose colored glasses of the SOS dictionary staff.

Political Apology:


1. An acknowledgment of guilt which blames not the politician who creates a situation through their action or inaction, but instead the citizen whose only fault is a failure to understand the consequences of that politician's most recent effort.

The "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary #38

It seems only fitting that the first post of 2013 should come from the lazy lexicographers of the SOS Dictionary.  After all, their efforts are at best sporadic and at worst all but nonexistent.  Senior Staff has been informed of recently released NLRB (National Labor Relations Board) regulations that appear to prevent them from properly rewarding these staff members for their level of performance (but have no fear, we'll come up with something).

Now there have been some requests over the years for publishing of the ponderous tome better known as the SOS or "Stuck on Stupid" Dictionary, but owing to the work ethic and performance level of the SOS scribblers, it's entirely possible that the current crop will all be taking a dirt nap before a comprehensive volume is available.  It's currently too big for a posting and too small for a printing.  If anyone has any ideas as to how to reconcile these seemingly irreconcilable positions, I will be more than happy to submit suggestion to those in charge.

On the other hand, there may actually be those of you who reading this who have somehow managed to miss previous postings on this subject (shame on you, now go back and search all of the postings under the label of  'Dictionary'), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appears to mean something entirely different when looked at through the jaded eyes and rose colored glasses of the SOS dictionary staff.

In light of yet another bit of last minute legislative crisis resolution, the following entry was deemed a necessary addition:
 
Comprehensive Law 

1.  Legislation of a large scope or scale; involving or including much.

2.  Legislation about which the only thing that is truly comprehensive is the confusion it engenders. 

3.  Legislation purposely created so as to be so all-encompassing and so full of confusing and contradictory language as to be proof against anyone's attempts to comprehend its nature and purpose, and to further discourage anyone from even attempting to read it in its entirety.

4.  Legislation of an incomprehensible scope and scale which includes vast areas of extraneous nonsense having nothing to do with the original subject, for no better purpose than to hide unpalatable sections that both those proposing and those voting for them would rather remain off the radar screen and hidden from the light of day. 

5. Legislation so onerous and cumbersome that it's impossible to repair or repeal after passage, when the damage that it's going to cause has finally been uncovered.

The "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary #36

As was noted in the previous SOS posting, it was a surprise to discover that it had been some three months since the most recent entry to this tome of tomfoolery used to document the misuse of the English language.  Perhaps in guilty recompense, there were multiple listings in the previous effort, and multiple entries in this effort as well. Being a powerful motivator (almost as powerful as the threats of personal violence), may even account for the multiple efforts this weekend.  

Having thoroughly 'discussed' this ridiculous lack of production with members of the Senior Staff in a way that they are not likely to soon forget, I cannot say I was surprised by their mostly lame attempts at greater productivity.  I expect some level of these increased efforts to continue for at least the next ten minutes (their normal maximum attention span). 

Now for those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this area (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the label of dictionary), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appear to mean something entirely different when looked at through the jaded eyes and rose colored glasses of the SOS dictionary staff.

Mismatch

1.  A contest in which one contestant is unable to compete on an equal basis with another due to an inequality in size, training, or simple ability. While sometimes amusing to watch, such contests are normally viewed as unfair by the inequality of their very nature.

2. The decision of a lawyer or politician to challenge another in public without knowing how that challenge may be responded to.  Lawyers know this as the maxim:  "Never ask a question in open court that you don't already know the answer to."

3. Any attempt by Democratic Toledo City Councilman at-large Steven Steel to challenge or engage Independent Mayor Mike Bell either politically, rhetorically, or even physically; since recent attempts to do so have thus far revealed his shocking inability to compete at this rarefied and more professional level of play.


Religion of Peace

1.  A descriptive term used to designate and demonstrate that a given theology is one which encourages non-violence between believers and non-believers.

2. A descriptive term that cannot be used regarding the religion of Islam; since such such judgments should be made not on the basis of accepted doctrine, but on the actions that result from the application of that doctrine.  Religious Courts, Terrorist acts, and War resulting in the murder, mutilation, and property destruction of non-believers in recent history for no greater fault than non-belief disqualifies followers of this religion.

3.  A descriptive term that cannot be used regarding the religion of Christianity; since such such judgments should be made not on the basis of accepted doctrine, but on the actions that result from the application of that doctrine.  The Crusades in Middle East and the Inquisitions in Europe and the Americas, which were perpetrated as organized campaigns of war, murder, and mutilation of non-believers for no greater fault than non-belief disqualifies followers of this religion.

4. A descriptive term that cannot be used regarding the religion of Judaism; since such such judgments should be made not on the basis of accepted doctrine, but on the actions that result from the application of that doctrine.  The Hebrew Bible (Old Testament in the Christian version) which documents the early history of this religion is itself replete with stories of war, murder, and mutilation of non-believers for no greater fault than non-belief disqualifies followers of this religion.

The "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary #35

Fall is upon us and the election rhetoric (among other things) is heating up around the world.  While we have slacked off on our program of "the beatings will continue until morale improves" where the staff is concerned, the occasional 'head slap' or 'kick in the slats' continues to be a regular practice in motivating the lazy lexicographers working on the "Stuck on Stupid" dictionary.  

It was a surprise however, to discover that it had been some three months since the most recent entry to this tome of tomfoolery, used to document the misuse of the English language.  For that reason if no other, there will be multiple listings in today's effort.   Senior staff will shortly be receiving a memo to report for their own 'slap and slat' session as well.

For those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this area (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the label of dictionary), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appear to mean something entirely different when looked at through the jaded eyes and rose colored glasses of the SOS dictionary staff.

Now you would think that an establishment created to store and lend some of the greatest literature in the world (along with some really hideous Barney videos) would have a better grasp of the English language.  Like that organization in its choice of words and acronyms of common parlance, you would apparently be wrong.  While they are not alone in self-abusive articulation, they are first on today's list.

SOL

1.  An acronym of common parlance that stands for Shit Outa' Luck, which for those not up on common parlance means that you either had no luck where this situation was concerned, or if you did, you no longer retain it; placing your odds at a successful result in your efforts in the range of dismal.

2. An acronym currently being used by the Toledo Public Library as a marketing slogan in support of their November levy request, and designed to stand for "Save Our Library".

3. The likelihood that that the Library marketing scheme will be remembered, and if remembered, will not be confused with the term of more common parlance.  Its use will probably be sniggered over as an error in judgment at best, and a massive screw up in their levy attempt at worst (see FUBAR).

4.  The likelihood that the Library levy will pass if this is the level of marketing and political savvy possessed by their organization.


Arab Spring

1. A political resistance movement that began in December of 2010, in which oppressive governments in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, and Yemen were overthrown; and in which civil uprisings continue in Syria and Bahrain in the hope of one day replacing their oppressive regimes. 

2. A political resistance movement which appears to be so important to those involved that it's capable of being side-tracked by Cartoons, YouTube videos, and public statements by people who only their neighbors have heard of before. (And now no doubt, by this definition.)

3. A political resistance movement which has largely succeeded in replacing oppressive secular dictatorships and monarchies in the region with oppressive 'democracies' that act far more like the oppressive theocracies which most foreign policy experts insisted could never take control.

4. A political resistance movement which has been largely supported by pronouncements from the US State Department and funds from US Foreign Aid; and which has been rewarded for such support by the killing of a US Ambassador and three other Americans (so far) and millions in damage to US Embassy property.

5. Yet another of the current Administration's foreign policy nightmares marked by inconsistency and apology, in which the US pays protection money to governments run by thugs and terrorists, with little if anything to show for it's investment other than hate, murder, and destruction.  (The President's former minister Jeremiah Wright once previously called this "America's chickens coming home to roost.)


Since I didn't manage to put together a good weekend rant, and because I can still hear the scribes appropriately scribbling behind their locked door (I have the key); it seems likely that there will be yet another SOS posting before the weekend's over.
   

The "Stuck on Stupid" Dictionary #34

The normally lazy lexicographers working on the "Stuck on Stupid" dictionary have decided to become more productive without further physical motivation exercises (ending practices that violated the Geneva Conventions and have mostly been banned by the UN).  Apparently they've decided that the regular release of efforts for the SOS dictionary are far more likely to improve their working conditions and perhaps even rate them a better long-term compensation plan.  (Personally, I just think they're jealous of the Cheetos and AC that we supply to the DJBSS in their attic Command Center.)  Senior staff will continue to evaluate not only the quantity of their efforts, but the quality before re-opening negotiations (Kansas is after all, a right to work state).  Besides, we're already spending more in our Cheetos budget than we can reasonably afford.

Now for those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this area (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the label of dictionary), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appear to mean something entirely different when looked at in a political context, especially to those us who have come to understand the often peculiar vernacular of politics in Toledo, Northwest Ohio ... and sometimes even the nation as a whole.

Campaign Contributions

1.  Money raised for political purposes usually only mentioned these days in conjunction with "Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission".   This was a landmark US Supreme Court case in which, by a 5-4 decision, the Justices essentially held that money and speech could be considered the same thing when it came to campaign expenditure and that according to the First Amendment; the government was therefore prohibited from placing restrictions on such independent expenditures.  The restraint of this prohibition was held to be true whether you were an individual, a corporation, or a union.

2.  Money raised in a particularly evil form of 'election buying' and considered a travesty by the political left about the political right when they are outspent and lose the issue that had been placed before the voters. (ie: The Governor Scott Walker recall vote of 2012 in Wisconsin, where the right apparently outspent the left by a ratio of 7 to 1, though some numbers are in dispute.) 

3.  Money raised in a particularly evil form of 'election buying' and considered a travesty by the political right about the political left when they are outspent and lose the issue that had been placed before the voters. (ie: The Ohio "Issue 2" vote of 2011 (also known as SB5) in which the left apparently outspent the right by at least a ratio of over 3 to 1, though some numbers are in dispute.)

4.  Money raised by major party presidential candidates, the amounts of which are only released when they can do the most good to themselves and the most harm to their opponents.  The candidate raising the greater amount attempting to prove (incorrectly) that the ability to raise campaign money equates to the ability to lead.  The candidate raising the lesser amount of money usually thanking contributors for their cash before citing the 'Citizens United' decision as the reason that there is too much money in politics.

5.  Money raised which has apparently led to a great deal more discussion of political issues, candidates, and elections around the country.  It has likewise performed the function of no longer leaving the message delivered on these elections in the hands of representatives of the two major political parties, allowing independent voices from all sides of politics the opportunity to get their own messages across.  While the results of such discussion are far from in, the increased level of discussion has been generally seen as a good thing, and the level of spending on campaigns while increased, has had no demonstrably negative effects on the electoral process.     

The "Stuck on Stupid" Dictionary #33

Apparently the staff disciplinarian here at Just Blowing Smoke has achieved a modicum of success through the occasional beating of the lazy lexicographers working on the "Stuck on Stupid" dictionary.  And though it would be difficult to say that morale has improved, these 'enthusiasm enhancing episodes' appear to do have had at least some impact on the quantity, if not the quality of their efforts.  (Personally, I just think they're jealous of the Cheetos that we supply to the DJBSS in their attic Command Center.)  Senior staff will continue to search for new ways to 'inspire' greater output.

Now for those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this area (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the label of dictionary), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appear to mean something entirely different when looked at in a political context, especially to those us who have come to understand the often peculiar vernacular of politics in Toledo, Northwest Ohio ... and sometimes even the nation as a whole.

Tuition:

1. A sum of money imposed for the purposes of defraying the costs associated with an education annually on a per student basis.

2. A sum of money which is usually considered too low for the purposes of defraying the costs of a K-12 education annually on a per student basis; possibly because the charges carry a 'veil of invisibility' from being spread over property tax payers whether they have children in school or not.  (This is not to be confused with the sum paid for the same K-12 education at private schools, which is usually less, and paid directly to those schools by the parents who use it in addition to the taxes which they otherwise pay.)

3. A sum of money which is usually considered too high when paid to an institution of higher learning for a college education annually on a per student basis; in spite of the fact that it's nearly identical to the sum paid for the K-12 education.  (The difference in how this number is perceived may be due to the fact that it has lost its 'veil of invisibility', is not spread over property tax payers whether they have children in school or not, and must therefore be paid for either by the parents or the students themselves  ... even if they have to borrow the money to do so.)

The "Stuck on Stupid" Dictionary #32

I know that it has been far too long since proper additions to this reference tome have been made, but it appears that the lexicographers in charge of such work managed to conceal the only complete copy of this work in a misguided attempt to get away with what amounts to little more than a case of criminal laziness. While the staff disciplinarian here at Just Blowing Smoke continues to occasionally beat the wretches until morale improves, these 'enthusiasm enhancing episodes' appear to do have little impact on either the quantity or the quality of their efforts.  (Personally, I just think they're jealous of the Cheetos that we supply to the DJBSS in their attic Command Center.)  Senior staff will continue to search for new ways to 'inspire' greater output.

Now for those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this area (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the label of dictionary), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appear to mean something entirely different to those us who have come to understand the often peculiar vernacular of politics in Toledo, Northwest Ohio, and sometimes the nation as a whole.

... gate:

1.  A movable barrier, sometimes on hinges, used to provide access to an area protected by a fence or wall.

2.  A combining form which, when attached to the end of another word, depicts a scandal having to do with that original word; normally used by the mainstream media for no better reason than their own laziness and lack of creativity.

(Few if any remember that the original use of such intellectual shortcuts came from the Watergate scandal in 1972, which was not in fact a scandal about 'Water', but was the name of the Washington DC office complex in which a politically motivated break-in was committed by members of the Nixon re-election campaign team at the Democratic National Headquarters.)


... ocracy:

1.  From the Greek 'kratia' - meaning strength or to rule (govern)

2.  A combining form used to designate the group of people given the power to govern.  Examples of such types of rule are:  Aristocracy (an elite group), Meritocracy (a group of those with special or superior ability), Mediocracy (a group with no special ability), Bureaucracy (a group with the ability to find non-elected government jobs - see Mediocracy) Democracy - (a group which has the ability to vote ... in this country, normally a very small group).

3. A sub-category of the combining form where terms are created to be used as an effective insult to define those currently attempting (and usually failing miserably) to govern.  Examples of such types of rule are:  Ineptocracy (a group of people with no special ability except that to fail), Idiocracy (a group of those considered Idiots, but not Village Idiots ), Kakocracy (a group of people considered 'natural fertilizer'), Congress (while not ostensibly ending in 'ocracy', a nevertheless effective comparison when using the standard set out in #3)

Capitalism Run Amok

I've been having a little trouble sleeping nights lately (and no, it's not the result of a guilty conscience ... unfortunately).  While much of the TV on late at night makes pretty bad look pretty good if you don't have cable, some of the 'Commercials for Insomniacs' are actually quite amusing.  I am learning more a about American popular culture from these examples of Capitalism than I do from watching the news.

Did you know that that there are elastic waistbands that women can buy to get the layered look without the layers?  While no one has explained to me why women want to look layered without being layered, I was able to grasp that one of the reasons for the purchase of this extra 12" waist band was so that when a woman bent over she didn't expose her waist, or worse yet, the exterior of her posterior.  While I can certainly see the desirability of limiting the display of 'Plumber's Syndrome", I was nevertheless struck that the same could be accomplished (without spending the $20, plus shipping and handling) by not purchasing shirts cut so high and tight they rode up and pants so low-cut and tight that they rode down.  (This is undoubtedly why I am neither an expert on fashion, nor a rich inventor/entrepreneur.)

Did you likewise know that you can buy devices that make slicing, dicing,and chopping far easier than it would be with an ordinary knife?  (Of course you did, since such devices, in one form or another, have been around for years.)  I can't really poke too much fun at this one, as I found myself purchasing one of these technological wonders many years ago in order to be able to fragment vegetables more efficiently ... and create Julienne fries 'in a snap'.  (The fact that I had never heard of Julienne fries before buying this device, and therefore didn't even know if I wanted them, seemed inconsequential at the time.)  While I must admit that the device did in fact slice potatoes, carrots,and onions admirably, and far faster than I could do in manually with a knife (even one of those fancy new knives that slice empty cans of refried beans before creating wafer thin tomato slices), I was still somewhat dubious of the process.  Of course after you added in time required for assembly, tear down, and cleaning; neither method actually proved faster than the other.  

Over succeeding years, I found that by the time I dragged the damn thing out, figured out how to reassemble it, found the proper cutting blades, and finally began to cut, I had lost interest in the vegetables requiring dis-assembly (and sometimes the will to live); so I parted with it through donation to a charitable organization (tax-deductible recycling).  I still have one of those 'slap choppers' collecting dust in the back of a cabinet, but seldom use it.  It likewise did nothing to truly expedite the vegetable dissection process and the memories of the sore hand that I got using it further remind me of why it too should be recycled.

But these forays into personal consumerism and rampant capitalism are educational as well.  I have recently learned that the only way that I'm going to get eight golf balls or a bowling ball out of my carpeting is to buy a $500 vacuum cleaner.  This model of modern carpet cleanliness is capable of maneuvering around furniture that I don't own, getting under tables that I don't posses, and is capable of vacuuming around corners by turning on a dime.  Of course, I like to vacuum in straight lines so I get those 'clean lines' in the finished carpet, and if the power it contains is half of what it brags about, I suspect that it would suck the dime up long before turning on it. I'm also told that it's very easy to carry up and down stairs, but since I live in a one-bedroom apartment, this ability seems of little practical benefit.

Then again, if the vacuum cleaner didn't make me a big enough sucker (and I suspect it would), I could always add to the volume of air movement in my residence by buying one of those massive air cleaners.  According to the nice lady on the infomercial, they exchange the air in a room at least three times an hour (though no one ever seems to explain what they're exchanging it with).  In fact, these devices confuse me.  While I'm trying to live a bit 'greener', dedicating myself in small ways to cleaner air, I can't help but wonder if such a unit wouldn't exchange the air before I had done my efficient best to use it.  Additionally, I'm not sure of the trade off between the pollution generated in order to power the unit with electricity vs the promise of cleaning the air with it is a fair exchange.  I fear I will not be able to reach a logical conclusion to this dilemma until presented with properly documented fact one way or the other.

As for women's undergarments, let me only say that I had no idea that so much scientific development was going into them; or that women could talk about them for hours on end in spite of the fact that they used to be called 'unmentionables'.  It seems that women are willing to buy articles of clothing that manipulate their bodies in ways that would surely get the average man arrested, even if he was married to the one in question.  The parts that aren't being pushed up are being pushed in.  Whatever real or imagined body parts or body faults that a woman has, according the show's hosts, should be quickly surrounded by elasticized material, manipulated, and re-displayed through methods that have already been outlawed as torture by the United Nations.  

And while corsets seem to have for the most part been done away with (except decoratively of course), most of the functionality of women's undergarments seems to have been taken over by the scientists that created the Ace Bandage, and with much the same material.  Perhaps most intriguing in this meat manipulation process (sorry ladies, but that's what it is) is that it's done in a mostly misguided attempt to gain the ability to wear styles of clothing that no one, let alone supposedly mature women, should wear.  While I have always been fascinated with women, like the making of sausages and laws; I suspect that this is a process probably better not viewed too closely, too often, and certainly not on television late at night.

(I am coming to believe that like many other areas of scientific study, women's underwear falls into two schools of thought.  The 'Victoria's Secret'  school of undergarment design holds that "less is more", and charges more for the less that they provide.  The 'Ace Bandage' school on the other hand, believes that "covering more showing less" is the answer, and charges far less than the Victoria's school for the more making it appear that there is in fact less being covered.  It's not a perfect theory, but it's a working one that works for me.)

I may be an unreconstructed capitalist, but some of this scares even me.  The fact that there are multiple channels dedicated to consumerism on such a scale is bad.  The fact that in these tough economic times, there appears to be a great many people with a day pass on the crazy train with 'disposable' income to buy this carnival crap is worse, and may in fact prove that Capitalism has finally run off the rails.  I'm not sure whether to give the process a standing ovation, or pull the covers over my head so I don't have to watch any more.

But if you'll excuse me now, I need to get back to the the show I was watching.  The electronics hour starts in 15 minutes and I have my eye on a deal on a 73" HD, 3D, surround sound TV that if I pull the trigger on it, they probably won't be able to get through my front door anyway.

The New Definition of Govt "STIMULUS"

In perhaps the finest example of cross-disciplinary cooperation in the history of "Just Blowing Smoke", the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security and the lexicographers of the "Stuck on Stupid" Dictionary have combined their talents to produce this weekend's effort. Senior staff at JBS, understanding that potential jurisdictional disputes could create unnecessary friction; or worse, incite the staff to seek organization under a union, spared no expense in securing the full cooperation of the respective personnel.  

Of course this meant that we had to send out for a pizza with real Italian Sausage from "Italian Delight" and serve it with a choice of Leinenkugel Red or Dos Equis Amber.  ( A few disgruntled scribblers complained about the lack of Guinness as a selection, until it was explained that such nectar can only be served on tap and threatened the removal of alcohol choices entirely as an alternative.)

Setting aside the minor effort at insurrection by this bunch of minimum wage, minimum IQ, and minimum accomplishment slackers; I must admit that this effort is an interesting addition to the growing legends (in their own minds, at least) of both departments.

Government STIMULUS:

Statesmen 
Trying to 
Interfere with 
Monetary policy 
Using 
Larceny, 
Usury, and 
Subterfuge

1.  An attempt by the government to jump start a failing or stagnate economy by an infusion of capital, a program of incentives, or both.

2.  The transference of money from one person (or group of people) to another, so that they can use such cash to stimulate the economy.  Invariably such a transference hurts those it takes from, does not reach those it was designed to, and is not used in the fashion originally intended if by mischance it actually does arrive.  In the process however, more than a little of the cash allocated is siphoned off by the useless drones of government bureaucracy to perpetuate or increase the size of their fiefdoms. 

3.  A misguided misreading of the principles of economics that leads some to believe that the laws of supply and demand will not invariably do a faster and much better job of  returning stability to a nation's economy that any artificial attempts to do so.  

4.  Asinine attempts by politicians to provide a quick fix for the economic malaise using principles that they understand about as well as they understand those of particle physics.  (No wait, not even that well ...)

5.  Ludicrous, nonsensical proposals for economic recovery made by those attempting to run for or keep elected office which are used as little more than a bully  pulpit from which to demonize their political opponents.

6.  A government program which trades failed short-term solutions for long-term stagnation caused by its very interference.

7.  An opportunity for elected officials to line the pockets of selected constituents, lobbyists, and especially donors in the name of 'sharing the burden' of a sagging economy.

8.  Attempts by the public sector to pick winners and losers in the private sector.  In doing this job poorly and indiscriminately, they often decimate such private sector businesses in the process, whether chosen to reap the benefits of such an attempt or not.

9.  Misguided efforts by those who have mostly never run businesses (or held jobs other than in government) to decide how those attempting to do so should be 'helped'.  Not surprisingly, they either cannot or simply refuse to hear the pleas of their intended victims attempting to tell them that in order to do so, they need merely: "Get out of the way!"

10.  Government wealth transfer programs in which some funds are misappropriated, others are misapplied, and still others are simply missing.

11.  An attempt by a government to spend money it doesn't have, on programs it doesn't need, to solve problems it cannot fix.

.

The "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary #31

Recognizing that there are now over thirty entries in the 'SOS Dictionary'. I would like to once again thank Maggie Thurber of "Thurber's Thoughts" for the inspiration to begin this effort over three years ago. Working on these particular posts allows me to walk the tightrope between meaningful perspective and humor, with generous doses of irony and sarcasm thrown in for seasoning.


Ongoing discussions continue between representatives of the legislature and the White House over increasing the Debt Ceiling of this country have mandated that those of us here at the SOS Dictionary continue our emergency sessions. While the effort is proving rather exhausting to our lexicographers, the fact that 'Just Blowing Smoke' is a non-union workplace in a 'Right-to-Work State' means that we can pretty much do whatever we want to the staff with complete impunity.

Now for those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this area (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the title of dictionary, SOS, or Stuck on Stupid), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appear to mean something entirely different to those us who have come to understand the often peculiar political vernacular of Toledo and Northwest Ohio. 


Billion:
 1. A number with 9 zeroes after it ( x,000,000,000). 2. A number which was once unimaginable to contemplate, except as a function of higher mathematics; but which is now considered little more than 'chump change' when speaking about government spending or debt. 3. A number once made famous by Carl Sagan for counting stars "billions and billions". Fortunately Carl passed into the great beyond before the numbers of stars were all but supplanted by those in the national debt. 4. A number which we now toss around in discussions of the federal budget with little or no regard for its value (relative or otherwise) and even less concern. (see Trillion) 


Government Debt:
 1. The money that the federal government borrows in the form of bonds or other promissory notes. 2. The money that the federal government borrows these days to, for the most part, pay off the money that it previously borrowed. 3. A snowball rolling downhill that threatens to take all of us out in the ensuing avalanche. 


Government Debt Ceiling:
 1. The limit of the debt that the government is allowed to incur by law. 
2. The limit of debt that the government is allowed to incur until it threatens Congress with dire consequences and is allowed to borrow even more. 
3. An amount of money which in fact appears to have no real or finite limit, only the ability to feed and grow like the creature in the movie "The Blob" (the original with Steve McQueen, not the silly remake.) 


Government Default:
1. A term used to define the inability or refusal of a government to meet a financial obligation previously incurred. 
2. A term used to motivate media pundits, terrify voters, and aggravate legislators into allowing a government that already owes too much money into borrowing more. 
3. A mostly meaningless term where this country is concerned with absolutely no basis in fact, which is of little use except to frighten those with no clear grasp reality (the aforementioned media pundits, voters, and legislators). 


Trillion:
1. A number with 12 zeroes after it ( x,000,000,000,000). 
2. A number which was once unimaginable to contemplate, except as a function of higher mathematics; but which we now toss around in discussions of the federal budget with little more than a yawn and a wave of the hand when speaking about government spending or debt. (see Billion)


SNAFU and; FUBAR:
1. Terms which the staff at the SOS Dictionary (in a rare exhibition of good taste) were willing to list, but seem adamantly disinclined to define further. 
2. The only terms that the staff seem to agree upon as adequately describing the current state of the Debt Ceiling, the plans being discussed to resolve it, and the likelihood that they will actually do so In order to provide perspective relating to the terminology of the Debt Ceiling, I reference the following chart from the Office of Management and Budget, as provided by Heritage. org