TFP Column: "The Crazy Ones" Dropped

(Contrary to logic and reason, I have decided to put new material up on this blog, but only in the form of the columns that I have done for the Toledo Free Press.  This is done for the benefit of those with time to waste, who likewise do not spend their time reading the website of this award winning weekly newspaper, and I will go back and add efforts that were published earlier this year.)

This particular effort was published on 5/26/2014. 

Entertainment, such as it is, invariably comes and goes over time. So it was with little more than a weary sigh that I first saw this headline, one I’d been expecting for some time now. Imagine my surprise however, when I realized it was little more than announcement that the CBS show starring Robin Williams and Sarah Michelle Gellar about an ad agency was not going to be renewed for next season. (As if a show starring Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Mork without Mindy wasn’t doomed to fail from the start.) 

Strangely, it was not until days later that another similar headline led to the discovery that the real “Crazy Ones” was likewise seeing the end of its days. I’m talking, of course, about the Lucas County Board of Elections (BOE), whose irresponsible irrationality and long unpopularity has at long last gathered the critical attention of those in charge.

The Lucas County BOE has, after all, been little more than a rather tedious and shallow reality show, with a poorly hidden (and even more poorly written) script of farcical nonsense — one with far less entertainment value than its coastal rich chick and wrestling counterparts.

Oh sure, there’s been nanoseconds of political intrigue, though only widely spaced in a mindless tedium of vitriol.  No one is going to confuse its efforts with “House of Cards,” however, nor any of its cast of characters with the likes of a Kevin Spacey. Drama there was in plenty, but most of it forced, no doubt produced as an unintended result of the overacting and poor performances of its players. As for suspense, none seemed forthcoming until very recently, when it at last appeared possible that one or more of the cast might fail on a epic enough scale to get voted off of this overworked version of “Survivor: The Island of Misfit Toys.”

If there were ever paid writers for this slapstick comedy masquerading as a bored melodrama, they should have long since been fired (and had their laptops confiscated to prevent further transgressions). If there was ever actually a script involved, it seems to have been long since shredded for use to line a hamster cage somewhere.

As for genuine humor, forget it. The occasional ham-fisted attempts at improvisation by the cast showed far more second tier than “Second City.” If this droll satire of an even more droll bureaucratic function found anything resembling amusement to its storyline, it was immediately trampled in the real life “Barney Fife” comedy of errors portrayed in its daily operation. While a trio of the characters in this sham may have provided a bit of comic relief (no doubt inadvertently), the only real relief for the audience will come with the final and permanent departure from the stage of these Three Stooges.

The recent accidental cliffhanger, however, has fast become a classic, one in which the stalwarts of the BOE seemed all but incapable of counting even the piddling few votes cast (less than 10 percent of those eligible to vote) in the recent primary election without making the process look like “Mystery Science Theater 3000 – The Lost Episodes.” The only things more pathetic than the voter turnout during this tired ritual were the poor performances of the cast, the lack of originality in the sob stories used rationalize their inevitable failure and the instantaneous inculpation of co-workers.

Apparently, however, Ohio’s Secretary of State (and ostensibly Director of Programming) Jon Husted finally had enough from Lucas County’s Gang That Couldn’t Count Straight and is set to put an end to its run. I would caution Mr. Husted and his transparency committee, however, against believing that this latest move may finally resolve the problems. The trick with canceling a bad show is not as simple as getting rid of the old one (which may be difficult enough, knowing the litigious proclivities at least one of the soon-to-be former cast members in particular). The real skill will shown be in helping Northwest Ohio replace this last tired effort with a better one.

As for the current version of “The Crazy Ones” in Lucas County, we must now bid them a fond farewell.  To the relief of most, they have indeed been canceled and the cast duly informed in writing that their days in the spotlight are now numbered. Knowing that, however, one can’t help but wonder if any of those packing up their desks is capable of counting them. 

TFP Column: The Blade Cuts Both Ways

(Contrary to logic and reason, I have decided to put new material up on this blog, but only in the form of the columns that I have done for the Toledo Free Press.  This is done for the benefit of those with time to waste, who likewise do not spend their time reading the website of this award winning weekly newspaper, and I will go back and add efforts that were published earlier this year.)

This particular effort was published on 6/07/2014.  

After years of castigating corporate America for failing to recognize Toledo’s convenient location, to see competitive advantage in its Downtown, or to appreciate its hardworking union workers, it appears that The Blade is about to tuck tail and follow in the footsteps of those they’ve previously chastised. What else can we take from formal notifications to the city and The Blade’s unions that it intends to outsource its production? Such an intention makes it difficult to reconcile the disparity between the claim of being one of the city’s biggest supporters and an apparent unwillingness to invest in its future.

Non-production functions will apparently remain in its Downtown facility, but The Blade appears ready to cease all production at both its Superior Street and Water Street facilities, with more than 130 people losing their jobs. While The Blade has not formally announced where that production will resurface, it’s likely that its plan will require abandoning not only the Glass City but the Buckeye State as well.

In its announcement, The Blade cites the age of the equipment and the challenges of an older building in its decision not to reinvest. Having recently announced that it will finance an almost identical investment for its Pittsburgh newspaper (The Post-Gazette) however, the refusal to bankroll improvement in Toledo might seem almost duplicitous.

From a purely business standpoint this becomes even more curious, considering that The Post-Gazette competes for its market share with another Pittsburgh daily (The Tribune-Review), while no such daily competition exists in Toledo. Does this speak to the market for news in both cities, or simply the red-headed stepchild status of The Blade under the absentee landlord nature of one of its owners?

As “One of America’s Great Newspapers” (self-described), The Blade tells us it lost $8.5 million last year by way of explanation (excuse) for its plan. Some might see this as “how the mighty have fallen,” or perhaps “reaping what you sow”; still others might see it as proof of the adage that “you shouldn’t crap where you eat.” Perhaps however, The Blade simply fell victim to its own stale business plan; like many of its ilk, it could not decide whether it wanted to be an award-winning business that occasionally made a profit or a profitable business that occasionally won an award.

As it now scales back in use, I’m sure some will see the Superior Street site as one that should be on a federal list of historic buildings. Others might agree to its entry on a list, but suggest instead that entry should be on a list of federal Superfund cleanup sites. One cannot help but wonder at the impact of petroleum-based inks, industrial chemicals and lubricants used over time. One might be even more curious about the disposal of decades of solvent-based cleaners used in their cleanup.

The damage of The Blade’s past political attacks may soon become history, but not so quickly whatever may have leeched into the soil and water supply from a facility only blocks from the Maumee River and a stone’s throw from Lake Erie. The toxic treatment of those held in disfavor over the years by The Blade may someday fade away, but not so easily the residue of chemicals used to produce them. As its production equipment is mothballed or removed for eventual sale, let’s hope The Blade makes more of a commitment to the proper remediation of such materials than they have to their Downtown location itself, and that such residue may not prove to be the only long-term legacy it leaves.

The Blade easily deserves one of the stinging rebukes it has been so fond of handing out throughout the years; and the failure in its announcement to promise anything in the way of change shows that its owners have learned nothing.  Some may say it seems a bit unfair to pile on The Blade, but few would argue that it’s undeserved.

Sorry guys, but it’s your turn to be on the firing line for picking up your chips and leaving the game early. After all, the blade cuts both ways.

 

TFP Column: The Best Defense

(Contrary to logic and reason, I have decided to put new material up on this blog, but only in the form of the columns that I have done for the Toledo Free Press.  This is done for the benefit of those with time to waste, who likewise do not spend their time reading the website of this award winning weekly newspaper, and I will go back and add efforts that were published earlier this year.)

This particular effort was published on 6/20/2014.  

One cannot help but wonder if the Blade is adopting a new "best defense is a good offense" playbook in its continuing series on the subject of Glass City blight.  Wracked with well-documented revenue losses and stinging from attacks for outsourcing its production, the timely release of a series Toledo eyesore stories might be seen as the perfect (though rather suspicious) way to deflect attention from its own bad press. 

Taking the side of local YouTube videographer EconCat88, rather than that of the Administration (which it did last time) makes the Blade appear to be on the side of the little guy.  Allying with Councilman Jack Ford (vs supposed Independent Mayor D. Michael Collins) keeps them on the good side of the Democrats who've been in power while all of this blight occurred.  As for indicting a mayor that they've long supported as part of this effort; that's likely to cost them nothing. The mayor was sooner or later going to have to throw the Blade under the bus for their abandonment of downtown, if not for the elimination of union jobs, so the current series could be seen as little more than a preemptive strike. 

Of course the best part of the series is the gift likely to keep on giving for some time. The Blade has presented to City Council a subject not even on the radar screen a month earlier.  Distracting from dismal tax revenue, pot hole problems, and without talking about water and sewer line infrastructure issues that have long since faded from public view; this subject provides new opportunities for meaningless rhetoric, useless legislation, and the potential ability to create another taxpayer-funded study or two that must make it feel like Christmas in June for those is office.

Councilman Ford certainly seems to have discovered his new calling in life, attempting to establish his final legacy by creating another useless city bureaucracy in the form of a 'blight authority' to solve a problem that was just as prevalent when both he and his successor Mayor Finkbeiner were in the Mayor's position (before he attempts to move on to Columbus). After all, there's nothing that can resolve a crisis in short order like another government bureaucrat.

The current Mayor instead would like to deflect a problem that he largely inherited from his predecessors, and instead blame the Toledo Municipal Court and Judge Allen McConnell. Judge McConnell, according to the mayor's recent statement, is dealing with over 500 affidavits filed against blighted properties by the city in just the past year. One cannot help but ask, if the impediment is the Court, why there is no discussion of additional funding and staff for what appears to be an overworked judicial system rather than adding a city bureaucracy. Equally unclear is how the Mayor's proposal of a phone app is going to magically clear the existing judicial backlog.

Wait, this is Toledo (where you'll do better)! Remind me again about how long the 'temporary income tax' has been in place as a way to artificially balance the budget. Tell me again how much were borrowing from the Capital Improvement Budget (far better suited to deal with the issue of blight in the city) and how many years we've been borrowing it.

Better still, tell me why the Blade, already suffering from an image problem on a scale that it never knew existed, hasn't proposed a charity event to raise funds in order to deal with the issue of blight instead of merely reporting on it. Tell me why City Council, having only in the last week rediscovered the issue of blight in the city, hasn't put forth the idea of dealing with the issue on a district level and on a volunteer basis. How about one or more of these elected leaders simply revisiting some of their current budget discussions and making a hard choice as to which is more important to their constituents, swimming pools or blight.

While we're at it, perhaps someone in the editorial department at the Blade might want to do a bit more research on the ownership of 'blighted properties' to make sure that some of those on the list aren't properties owned by … the Blade. While certainly not qualified to preach, I seem to recall a Biblical phrase to the effect of, “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” (Just for the sake of editorial consistency, of course.)

Goodbye

Saying goodbye is always a difficult thing to do; but it sometimes seems necessary.  And so, after 6-1/2 years, it may be long past time to give up what has become the rather time-consuming obsession of "Just Blowing Smoke".  After all, I would hate to discover later that I had hung on past my prime (not that I think I've actually had one); like so many have done in other fields.   

Politics is largely a vulgar and unchanging spectacle of self-aggrandizement by a self-chosen elite for most and an exercise of self-deception for the rest; with little room for logic or reason to exist in the space between.  Any challenge to whatever the current strictly established dogma is, even by those considered the faithful (and maybe especially by it), risks a condemnation for apostasy.  Attempts (almost by necessity) to cloak these efforts in skepticism risk their eventual transformation into examples of perverse cynicism through constant exposure to this toxic environment.  Attempts at irony or sarcasm as an amusing alternative become little more than a jaded form of gallows humor in the end.  

As for the 'perspiration to gain inspiration' required to break through the walls of a largely rigged game, they're often vilified without analysis either because of a lack of properly tenured credentials or their failure to follow ideological protocol for submission.  The heroic effort of dancing in the minefield of political correctness left to anyone trying to achieve any originality often yields little more than a stench of disillusionment and disappointment that no masking fragrance can ever cover.    

This is not to say that the overall experience of creating "Just Blowing Smoke" has been a bad one.  In fact, to say that I'm immensely grateful for the reception it's received, the size of the audience it's somehow manage to gather, and the geography it's covered is a vast understatement.  It was in June of last year for example while noting the 5th Anniversary of the site that I was celebrating 34,000 total pageviews, and as I now close the door a mere 18 months later, that same number has all but reached 78,000.  Unfortunately however, true success in such efforts is measured with levels of participation that are orders of magnitude higher.  Judged by these standards in fact, my own meager numbers will never even appear as a blip on the radar screen.

And since I'm being brutally honest ...

I should admit as well, that much of this effort began as a method to improve my ability to write.  If any such improvement has been been achieved over the years, it seems all but imperceptible; and despite my exalted aspirations in this regard, the only thing that I'll ever share with the likes of literary legends like George Will or Charles Krauthammer is species and gender (OK, gender ...).  Sparing the public the painful duty of acknowledging that rather sad conclusion on a regular basis could be the most decent thing I can do.    

"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterward." - Robert Heinlein

While this departure does not mean that I'll be entering a monastic retreat (the constant kneeling is too humbling and far too painful for these old bones), I expect to be far less visible online and where my literary efforts are concerned.  I will no doubt attempt the occasional tawdry literary effort and send them off to venues willing to accept such submissions for no better reason than to feed an addiction that I can't completely kick.  The world being as fickle as it is however, I expect little more than to become lost in the next 'squirrel moment' and quickly forgotten.  

At any rate, I hate long goodbyes, and this one's already too long by half.  It's time at long last to bid a tragic farewell to the multiple personality disorder made up of the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security, the lexicographers of the Stuck On Stupid Dictionary, and the other ne'er do wells that comprise the JBS Senior Staff as they're returned to the dark corner from which they've emerged over the years.  (Which I suppose is far better than turning them loose on an unsuspecting public.)  Thanks again for your support and your company on what has been a rather strange, often twisted, but occasionally interesting ride.  Who knows, perhaps some day we'll meet again ...  

Silly Bits VIII

The end of the year (and that of 'Just Blowing Smoke') is apparently not one which provides a break for much of the silliness going on in the world today.  So while the calendar is winding down here, I thought it might be amusing to take one last shot at pointing out a rather glaring one.

In the Antarctica, there's a true bit of international silliness going on.  It seems that a Russian ship, the MV Akademik Shokalskiy, became trapped in the ice on Christmas Eve about 185 miles east of the French research station Dumont D'Urville.  A search and rescue mission was mounted, and a Chinese ice-breaking ship, the Snow Dragon; was expected to reach the beleaguered vessel a couple of days ago.  That mission was put on hold however, when the Snow Dragon was unable to reach the Shokalskiy due to ice that was more than ten feet deep.  An Australian ice-breaking vessel, Aurora Australis, is now on the way and closing in on the site in the hopes of completing the rescue mission.

Not to worry for the crew and passengers, who appear to be in good spirits with plenty of supplies on board to keep them content during their icy internment.  Some of the scientific experiments that they set out to complete are ongoing while they wait for their would-be rescuers.  The silliness of this particular situation comes in two parts:

1. The silence of the 'Climate Change' crowd over the stranding of a scientific vessel in an expanding ice pack at a time when the 'Chicken Little' cry is over the melting of such packs and glaciers around the world. 

2. While you're contemplating these 'sounds of silence' on the Global Warming issue, consider further that the Antarctic continent is currently experiencing its SUMMER.


    

Duck Dynasty and Tenure

As I've stated before, the situation surrounding the patriarch of "Duck Dynasty", Phil Robertson, is one that holds little or no interest to me.  In spite of statements by Sarah Palin, this is not a First Amendment issue, nor if the truth were known, is it even a matter of Free Speech.  In point of fact, it's a matter of contract law between Mr. Robertson and the Arts and Entertainment Network. 

I don't know much about the show, since the level of cable that I carry doesn't include this particular network, though I understand that it's well received and has a lot of fans.  (So do the Kardashians, and I've managed to by and large ignore them as well.)  I also understand that some of the things that Mr. Robertson said in his interview with GQ (as well as in other previous statements) regarding gay people and minorities were considered offensive by some and a blow against religious freedom by others.  But what they are in fact doesn't matter to me and shouldn't matter to anyone except in the context of the language of his employment agreement.  (If you're not familiar with specifics of such agreements, by all means feel free to look them up.)

Now personally, I consider GQ offensive by nature as a publication.  No matter what the original purpose of this rag may have been; what's left is devoted to a 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' attitude that's little more than an attempted exploitation of class warfare and the snobbish pursuits of the 1%.  I've resolved my personal problem with this particular bit of obscenity however by failing to subscribe to the outdated bit of tripe in a largely irrelevant industry that it's become.  I wouldn't even bring the subject up if it didn't relate to something I read this morning in the Kansas City Star that many are probably far less familiar with:

"Social media policy from Kansas Board of Regents threatens free speech" by Barbara Shelly.  It seems that, "On Dec. 18, the governing board for the states’ higher education system decreed that campus officials can discipline or fire employees, including tenured professors, for statements they make on social media.
With that move, Kansas became the first state to endanger the career of an academic because of something expressed in a tweet, blog post or Facebook entry." 

Now for those not living between Kansas City and Wichita, this received little media attention, so a bit of explanation is probably necessary.  This policy elucidation resulted from a tweet made by Professor Dr. David Guth of the Journalism Department at the University of Kansas soon after the shootings at the Navy Yard in Washington DC last September that resulted in the deaths of 13 people, and which stated: "#NavyYardShooting The blood is on the hands of the #NRA. Next time, let it be YOUR sons and daughters. Shame on you. May God damn you."  He later apologized for the the posting, stating though he was a 'professional communicator', (Really!  What a clever disguise you've discovered in this epic failure.) and that he didn't do a good job of explaining his position. (No shit Sherlock!)

Ms. Shelly not surprisingly, is shocked at the policy decision made by the Board of Regents, seeing it as little more than caving in to conservative state legislators (who after all, only control University funding).  She would like to have this policy scrapped, since not only didn't they talk to the faculty before implementing it, but they ignored a letter that they got from the Foundation For Rights in Education, a First Amendment Group.  Apparently, tenured professors should be allowed to say what they want behind the protected status of their positions, and ignore the reality that their potentially offensive statements reflect upon the Universities that they work for.  Even if they are objectionable (or actionable against the University), they're made with a good heart.  She points out that the only people the Regents apparently did talk to, unfortunately, were lawyers.  (Well heaven forbid that the Regents would want to insure that a significant policy change was legal!)

Now I'm not a big fan of adding to the world's rules and regulations, but good for them.  Such actions not only reflect clear thinking, but fall well within the libertarian notion that my freedoms end at the point that they affect the freedoms of my neighbor.  Since such very public pronouncements can affect the bottom line of the University; as employers they should have the right to set policy with regard to such controversial or inflammatory statements.  'With great power comes great responsibility'. (I think I read that in a comic book once.)  

Neither of the situations described are First Amendment issues, nor are they subject to the whim of public petition or polling.  Both are situations which are ultimately only between an employer and an employee and their contract together.  Like the Board of Directors at the Arts and Entertainment Network, the University Board of Regents is responsible for setting employee policy and once set, insuring that all such policies be issued in writing.  If they choose to make one regarding statements released in interviews to the mass media, posted on Facebook, or Tweeted on Twitter, that's their privilege.  Many companies are far behind the curve in dealing with social media, their management being of a an age that doesn't understand it in the first place; so it's not surprising that it takes controversy to inspire them to get around to it.  

Once they do get around to setting policy in such situations however and regardless of the motivations for doing so, employees are contractually obligated to follow them or face disciplinary action up to and including termination.  As for all of the rest of us weighing in on the subject, we can all 'shut the hell up'.  

four days and counting ...

 

 

Christmas Eve Terror Alert

I was doing a bit of cleaning up the Command Center for the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security after the recent and rather abrupt departure of the staff.  Apparently these authorities on uncovering secret information finally discovered that their jobs were no longer necessary only three days after I told them so (for the third time).  This Manatee Team of faux covert operations (SEAL was obviously already taken and Manatee fit the staff paradigm more accurately) had an extraction zone pre-arranged, and hung around just long enough to insure that there was 'no bottle left behind'.  What they did leave behind however, was one Cheetos-stained dispatch, apparently forgotten in their hasty departure. 

Now while I thought about not bothering to pass it on, since what follows looks to be far from a complete list; I do so in the spirit of the Holidays, recognizing that perhaps by posting their final effort (and as our politicians are oh so fond of saying),  

"If just one life is saved…."

Egg Nog: Let’s face it folks, considering the cholesterol and calories contained in the full strength version of this beverage, you might as well slather it on like sunscreen rather than drink it. Not only will you save yourself from the ire of the nation's health care providers, but I understand that it serves as an effective SPF-125 sunscreen and does wonders for the complexion. While there are myths that some of the harmful effects of Nog can be somewhat mitigated by thinning it with alcohol (dark rum is a personal favorite), there is nothing but anecdotal evidence to support such claims. (On the other hand, having partaken of it in this fashion, it's unlikely that calories or any other of its deleterious effects will any longer concern you.)

 

Fruit Cake: In spite of the bad wrap that this holiday treat has received over the years, the truth of the matter is that it poses little health risk to most of the population; and can in fact be used beneficially. It’s not the fruit of which it’s 'allegedly' comprised or the way in which it's prepared that makes it healthy; but the fact that it’s so often prepared improperly that it's all but toxic except when consumed in very small portions (even by government standards).  Additional benefits include its use as an emergency escape tool to break car windows in the event of a holiday automotive accident and as a substitute for a truncheon or throwing weapon to drive guests away from other tastier and potentially more deadly treats at the holiday table. 

 

Cookies: These tasty little confections, while around all year in some form, put on their ‘party best’ for the holiday season. Dressed in clever shapes, hued in artificial colorings, and of course clothed sprinkles and glitter (probably manufactured by Exxon), these dietary landmines are camouflaged in a variety of holiday masquerades.  These bakery booby-traps in fact contain most of the major food groups: sugar, chocolate, useless carbs, and unpronounceable chemicals.  (If someone could get red meat or bacon onto them, they'd be perfect.)  Vowing to abstain from future consumption of them and to exercise off the calories gained from them are among the top five of resolutions for each New Year.

 

Cheese: For some reason, cheese has long found a place at our holiday tables, often in rather bizarre forms. Sure you can go with the snooty specialty and European cheeses if what you’re looking for is something in the way of flavor, but the natural ingredients found in such products can expose the consumer to greater risk (including becoming un-American). The true American tradition is much more likely to be defined by cheese balls, cheese logs, and the ever-popular “Cheese Whiz”. As most of us know, the more processed such cheese is, the better it is for you; with the piston cans of "Easy Cheese" being the most healthy of all (since they contain the least cheese). There is nothing like emulsifiers or carrageenan to bring real cheese texture to a dish and nothing like citric acid when it comes to real cheese flavor. While we're at it, let’s not forget all of the wonderful processed products contained in most of the crackers we put this on, leading to an opportunity to add insult to injury (literally and figuratively).

Cocktail Weenies:  No one really knows what animals these tasty little treats come from, let alone what parts of those animals might be involved; and quite frankly (pun intended) no one wants to know.  This ostensible meat product however has become a holiday favorite over the years.  This probably has something to do with fact that it can be served in so many ways.  Drowned in equally toxic sauce and cooked so long that the surrounding liquid congeals to the consistency of paste, or wrapped in a variety of equally mysterious (and probably unhealthy) substances and baked, it can be served as a blue collar staple by the scoop or daintily displayed on the finest upper crust serving-ware  by impaling it upon toothpicks with colorful frills at one end.  Do not be distracted by its innocent appearance however (and be careful to apply the untasseled part of the toothpick to the weenie).  Not only is there little or no actual food value in this diminutive dog, but recent government funded studies have found it to be little more than a gateway food to dependency on its larger brethren:  the Hot Dog, the Brat and Andouille sausage.

Alcohol: The health dangers of exposure to alcohol come in many forms, ranging from what are largely the stealth efforts of rum balls and the aforementioned Egg Nog to the traditional holiday cocktails (like rum punch), and ending with the indulgence in every form of fermented and distilled beverages known to mankind. Let me state for the record that at DJBSS, we approve heartily in such indulgences.  Not only do recent studies continue to show the positive health effects of moderate consumption of such beverages, but with the year all but at its end, it’s probably long past time that as survivors, we celebrated its successful conclusion. 

Overindulgence carries significant long-term health risks however, usually from one’s spouse. The immature, impolite, and downright stupid behavior committed while under the influence of ‘that demon rum’ will no more likely be forgiven in the spirit of the holiday than they would otherwise. The damage can be significant and reputation rehabilitation process can be a long and painful one.

It should also be noted under this section, that driving while intoxicated can be additionally be damaging and expensive. Not only do you risk spending some or all of your holiday in jail and thereby ruining the occasion for the whole family; but the economic and employment repercussions can be devastating for subsequent year’s holiday celebrations.

While Santa is the spirit of the holiday season in many households, there's no reason to attempt to equal his girth as well as his good cheer.  So by all means enjoy your holidays and all the tasty treats of the season; but if for no other reason than the concerns of the DJBSS, please do so in moderation.

Dear Santa: 2013

Santa Claus
c/o North Pole

Dear Santa,

I know that this missive seems to be getting sent off to you later each year; and once again I would like to apologize for my horrible tardiness.   You're not the only one out there that gets really busy around this time of year you know, and with the prospect of shutting things down around here in just a few more days, it's been even more of a madhouse than usual. Thanks, by the way, for telling the Post Office not to drop ALL of those letters at my place this year. The three bags were plenty for use in my column a couple of weeks ago, and the elevator at headquarters only broke down once trying to get them to the third floor.

Before you ask, my family is doing surprisingly well again this year, in spite of having to put up with me.  As usual, anything that you were thinking of getting them from their lists certainly has my advance approval. As for myself, I'd like to tell you that I've been good this year as well, but that would be a bit of an overstatement. (OK, maybe misstatement is more of the correct word.) The truth of the matter however, is that I probably have been better than usual, but I'm told that going through open heart surgery will tend to do that to a person. (Don't worry, I'm sure this temporary spell of good behavior won't last.)

By the way, please note the names of the doctors and nurses that I've added to my personal nice list for your consideration. Anybody who can find a heart in this crusty old bastard, let alone fix it (as they seem to have done) deserves to be on the “Nice” list.  Add in their ability to do without telling me what a sorry, ungrateful #*&$ I am while doing it, and they should probably be near the top of the “Really Nice” list.

Perhaps surprisingly to some, I'm not going to suggest you doing anything regarding Obamacare, Duck Dynasty, or the 2014 elections. I'd like to tell you that I know you don't do that kind of stuff anyway, but the real reason is what little interest I had on these subjects must have slipped out of my pocket and into a snowbank as I leaned against a lamp post to catch the lung I was coughing up while walking to a drugstore to get something to relieve such symptoms from earlier this week during this most recent spate of Global Warming.  

I do have one particularly ironic political request however, for you deliver a lot of lumps of coal to those working for the Environmental Protection Agency.  I severely doubt it, but maybe they'll get the joke (or the hint), but that won't take the fun out of the gesture. 

I know I haven't asked for anything for myself once again this year. Truthfully, I've always felt fortunate over the years that you haven't given me what I truly deserved, and always managed to show up with some pretty great stuff, in spite of my usual misdeeds.  So thanks.  All kidding aside, I know that there are a lot of people out there whose need is far greater than mine, so you would be doing me a big favor to help them out as much as you can instead. (Come to think of it, you might want to get lots of them copies of the “Holiday Wishes 3” through the TFP, which would help twice over.)

Merry Christmas,

Tim

P.S. I will no doubt be up late again this year on Christmas Eve (who sleeps well at our age anyway), and I have laid in a supply of cookies and Egg Nog (yes, the low-fat kind so you can watch your cholesterol), so feel free to stop by as usual. Not that you'll need it, but I'll leave the light on.

Conservative Pension Inconsistencies

Congress is racing to get the Ryan - Murray Budget deal passed before taking some more time off.  (And believe me when I tell you that I for one, have nothing against our national legislature taking time away from their labors on behalf of the People.)   The House already passed it, Senate is poised to do so, and the President seems likely to sign it.  (He can always change things later if it doesn't work out, right?)  Neither side seems particularly pleased with the compromise reached, which not only pleases me, but makes sense when you consider that the two groups are supposed to be fundamentally, diametrically, and ideologically opposed; with the only thing that they can seemingly agree on (amongst themselves, at least) is that things would be better if their party were in complete charge.

The timing on the passage of this bi-partisan spending agreement is curiously compelling this year however, since it comes at the same time of the release of Senator Tom Coburn's annual report on government waste.  In it, the Oklahoma Senator details some $28 billion in 2013 government spending on things he calls "questionable or lower-priority programs".  One that particularly caught my eye however was that on the part of the military to junk a lot of the equipment used in Iraq and Afghanistan. "The military has decided to simply destroy more than $7 billion worth of equipment rather than sell it or ship it back home," Coburn said. 

It did so because one of the most hotly disputed bits included in this week's bi-partisan compromise is a provision to achieve a $6.3 billion reduction in federal spending through a one percent reduction in cost of living benefits for retirees under age 62.  This should of course lead one to question who the budget rocket scientists were who approved an amount for senseless equipment destruction that they refused retirees.  (Personally, I would have thought that we're so loved in that part of the world that we could have sent over a box of sledge hammers and set up a booth to charge locals for the privilege of helping us out with the process.  Maybe we could have even filmed it and turned it into a reality show.) 

Not surprisingly however, this particular spending cut has military and veterans groups up in arms in what's described as an attack on those who have already faithfully served their country.  Draconian budget cutting Conservatives seemed to rise to the attack as well on what could be considered a mere 'cost of living increase' modification on such pensions, which in turn got me thinking ...

Now perhaps it's simple jealousy on my part, that someone has managed to hold down a job with same employer for 20 years and could conceivably retire at the age of 38.  Even someone hanging one for the full 30 could therefore find themselves on the porch by 48.  Don't get me wrong, I respect and honor anyone who makes that choice for themselves; and can grant that those who have faithfully served their country might feel that such a reward is their due. 

As one working in the private sector however, I now see no escape from Congressional reform of the Social Security retirement age that will see it raised from 65 to 70 long before I reach either.  I've long since reconciled myself to passing quietly while sitting in a corner behind an unnoticed desk at some age beyond that (assuming they'll let me work that long) so that I won't be a drain on the nation.  I can't help but wonder over the huge reaction to even a minor modification for retirees as part of a greater discussion of public sector pensions.   

I wonder that many of the Conservatives crying the loudest over the mere proposed of cost of living adjustment to such pensions appear to be the very same ones crying over the crippling costs of police and firefighter pensions for those performing dangerous labors in their municipalities.  Isn't it the concept of making government pensions 'untouchable' that has many of those same Conservatives outraged with the very concept of public sector pensions?  Isn't the mountain of underfunded plans at local levels the major part of debt that has bankrupted Detroit, MI, as it did earlier to Stockton and San Bernadino, CA before?  Aren't both Illinois and California doing little more than bookkeeping tricks to hide their own massive burdens in underfunded state pensions plans?   

Now I'm sure that all of this already has me in trouble with many 'loyal American Conservatives' out there, who see my stance an attack on our gallant troops.  It isn't.  I'm not even saying that I approve of the the COLA adjustment, though I'd love to see House and Senate members who are up for election openly debate its inclusion rather than insert it through a backroom maneuver.  One must recognize however, that no one can hold back the future.  

Lifetime pensions are an endangered species in this country; even the ones long associated with government service like the military.  The courts are now only just beginning to sort out the contractual mess involved with deciding between the rights and obligations of a citizen as a government employee versus the rights and obligations of every other citizen not so employed.  It will take someone far wiser than most of us to reach a 'just' decision as to where these rights lie.  My advice however, before weighing in too heavily on one side of the argument or the other (or spouting out only when it's your ox being gored) is to make sure that you're attempting to judge each situation with the consistency that it deserves. 

We're Sorry For The Slight Delay ...

Years of travel for work involved a considerable amount of time spent in airports; and while part of that involved getting from place to place, damn near as much involved dealing with the inevitable delays involved in the process.  The holidays, with their high volume of traffic and potentially inclement winter weather were especially troubling where this was concerned.

"We're sorry for the slight delay," was a gate area death knell sounded all too frequently over the years.  One which was inevitably followed by a plethora of somewhat plausible, but often feckless statements like:

• The airport (though not necessarily the one you're at) is under delay or closed due to weather 
• Your incoming aircraft has been delayed
• We're experiencing a mechanical problem with your aircraft

It didn't matter what this moderately pleasant voice was trying to tell you however, since airline gate agents are well-schooled in misstating, misleading, and misrepresenting any semblance of the truth if it means maintaining the peace amongst a largely barbarian hoard of travelers.  (Those with advanced degrees often later became political spokespeople or press secretaries.)   

When a lack of additional information (accurate or not) began to fray nerves and raise tempers, bringing the palpable level of tension at the gate to a level that would normally snap a bowstring, equally distressing information was dribbled out in tone that now seemed not only less compassionate, but wholly unrepentant:

• We've discover the problem with the aircraft, but are now waiting on a part
• The weather's opening up at the airport, but incoming flights await their own ATC (Air Traffic Control) release   
• The incoming aircraft finally departed, but our airport is now below minimums and your flight will be circling the airport if and when it gets here
• The aircraft has been repaired, but must now be refueled/de-iced before we can even hope to board  

As continued delay and obfuscation finally wore down the spirits of a once raging throng, they became little more than a dispirited and wretched mob that was now dropping to their knees in tearful supplication to whatever Deity they believed in for deliverance from their airline oppressors.  Undaunted and unrelenting in their misery disbursement, these tormentors sought to inflict a final bit of auditory suffering to a now utterly cowed collective of traveling human debris:

• The aircraft you're waiting for has finally arrived, but instead of here at A-4, it will now be departing out of G-22
• Our aircraft is now ready to depart, but unfortunately the delay incurred means that the original crew is now being placed on forced rest and we must await the arrival of a new crew before we can begin to board 
• We're awaiting final paperwork, but if it doesn't reach us in the next five minutes, we'll miss the only departure window currently available and will have to wait for the next one 

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I'm reminded of those days of abuse and sadism a lot lately as I watch Kathleen Sebelius, Jay Carney, the 'Waiver Granter-in-Chief' tap dance their way through recent press conferences and Congressional hearings on the Affordable Healthcare Act.  Accurate information on the ACA seems harder to come by these days than were details on the Manhattan Project during WWII.  It would probably be easier to hack personal information out of the system than it is to get a straight numbers from anyone with a government-issued microphone on something as simple as how many have successfully completed the sign up process and made their first payment.  (Where's Julian Assange or Edward Snowden when you need the creepy little bastards?)

The information that has been released to date is so full of obvious evasion and equivocation as to be next to useless (though most seem so happy to get it that no one seems to mind).  Any 'facts' or 'numbers' handed out carry more caveats than the sales contract warranty coverage used at 'Fly By Night Motors'.  The closest we come to anything resembling 'facts' as opposed to government issued 'truth' is when Secretary Sebelius or the President announce a waiver or delay in implementation; which at least tells us that that some part of the law either doesn't work properly yet, greatly offends a powerful special interest group, or would produce politically detrimental press coverage before the 2014 election.

Unfortunately, the strategy that the government has learned from the airlines has proved far too successful these days with a largely uninformed public.  Constantly lied to and recognizing that we've long since lost control of this situation (and the future), most now placidly await the next tidbit of disinformation with the same vague expression that the have for the next divorce announcement or plastic surgery attempt going on in the Kardashian family.  Fed up with months of inactivity, many get so caught up in seeing any movement of the queue that they forget to look down and notice that it's pushing them ever closer to the cliff's edge.  So desperate are they to get even bad news, that they gladly swallow the rosy interpretations and 'glass half-full assurances' delivered with them, and refuse to look beyond the sophistry and deception contained in the absurd pronouncements being made.   

The only thing missing of course, is government adopting airline language itself (and maybe a version of that's next):

"We're sorry for the slight delay in the implementation of the Affordable Healthcare Act due to circumstances that should have been well within our control, but which we mostly believe are none of your damn business.  We're sorry for the inconvenience, but since there's nothing you can really do about it now ... not so much.  We expect no change in the situation soon and little more than bad news to pass on to you; so sit back, relax your crack, and we'll get around telling you what we want you to hear when we damn well feel like it."