Death Of A Protector?

I fear that I am on the verge of experiencing the passing of one (and perhaps the greatest) of my childhood protectors. I say verge because while this protector is not yet dead, there are certainly signs that it is on life support these days. 

Now while it is true that this protector has been around for a number of years, there were no immediate signs that age would preclude this protector from the performance of its job. It had in fact been outstanding in executing its job of protection since first given the task; protecting my parents and grandparents before assuming its responsibilities in my life. Age had not diminished neither its capabilities, nor had it affected the intelligence of its original design and construction.  As for its need, perhaps at no other time since its creation has that need been greater. The dangers that it guards against have never been so close and their dire consequences so imminent as they are today. 

No, the problem of late has been one more of neglect. We have neglected to maintain this protector and have seemingly done everything in our power to diminish its efficiency. Far too often in recent days, we have neglected to heed its counsel and guidance, and have in fact ignored the warnings that have been provided to us. Like children at play under the umbrella of a caring parent, we have strayed beyond the protection of our guardian, and now risk irreparable harm from our own childish foolishness. Straining in a haze of misinformation and in a misguided attempt to have our own way, we seem to be attempting to break free of the very protection that allows us the freedom to do so. In simple immaturity, we seem desperate ignore the warnings of our protector to instead embrace a danger and a darkness, the likes of which we have no concept. 

I don't know whether or how long my protector will continue to be able to survive if these onslaughts continue, and I have begun to lose confidence that we can get off of this path of destruction. I have hope however, that all of this is simply my own lack of understanding of my protector's condition and that I am simply in error. You should too... For those of you who haven't figured it out already, that protector is The Constitution of the United States.

Holiday Returns

Well the Christmas Holidays are over and like many of you out there I got a few gifts that I really didn't want. Since I am not entirely sure where I received these little treasures from, I am simply going to put them out there to be reclaimed by those happy little givers who left them under my tree:

• 3-5 pounds that seemed to have appeared on Christmas morning. Since these could have nothing to do with the way that I have been cramming items with no food value into my pie hole for the last week, I am asking for whoever dropped them off to come and get them. It's not that they are the wrong size, but that they make me the wrong size.
• A few more white hairs. While it's true that they do go with the ones that I already have, I think that have quite enough of them, so I would like to return these new ones. If you don't mind however, I would like the gray ones back and would not object to a few additional ones as well if it weren't too much trouble.
• A couple of aches and pains. It seems that someone has been giving me this same gift for the last couple of years, though always in different places. I have to tell you that I am quite tired of such gifts and would like to return at least these most recent ones immediately.
• Disposition fermentation. It appears that without my knowledge or permission, someone has been fermenting my disposition. Now I am not normally against the fermentation process in any of its forms (as anyone who knows me can tell you), but feel that in this particular case it may have gone astray. At any rate, my disposition has been a good deal more sour of late, and this is a condition which does not agree with me at all.
• The new glasses I received. I have been wearing the same rose colored glasses for some time now, and though it appears that I sometimes did not see things as clearly as I should have, they fit well and suited me fine. I find that while the new ones provide me with the ability to see much more clearly than before, I can't say that I am pleased with the change (or what I can now see more clearly). I'd like to have the old ones back if it wouldn't too much trouble.

Well, that's all. It isn't a long list, so I don't expect that taking care of it will be too much trouble. As for those of you who gave me these lovely items, shame on your. I would have expected better from those that I thought were my friends. 

Twas the Night Before Christmas

My twisted perspective and warped sense of humor have once again asserted themselves. Unlike previous possessions however, in this particular case I have taken on a rather famous poem (of the above listed title) first printed anonymously, but later credited to Clement Moore. Being dead, he cannot object to such abuse, but may be found spinning in his grave upon the posting of this version. I hope that you enjoy its timely release. 

Twas The Night Before Christmas ... In Toledo  

Twas the night before Christmas, and through Glass City

Not a Creature was stirring, and more was the pity

Red-light cameras were hung, by the stoplights with care

In hopes that new revenues, soon would be there

The people were hiding, like always it seemed

And Council of rubber stamps once again dreamed

But sounds of pure rage from the big office did pour

While workers most wisely just ran for the door

Hizzoner was off on a tantrum again

His target now suburban businessmen

For Take Back Toledo was ready to start

And that can't be good for our old Mayor Cart

His eyeballs were flashing, his fingers were twitching

With radio stations the subject of bitching

He rambled of treatments, both violent and dire

His diatribe dripping brimstone and fire

The lights in the Market, now dimly they glow

But Carty's red face was much brighter you know

He suddenly mellowed in tenor and tone

When finally seeing he wasn't alone

It was me that was trapped with this loony old goat

With hopes that his meds would keep hands from my throat

He glared at me now as if seeing me dead

His coffee cup poised now to throw at my head

I froze in position, a smile stiffly glowing

In hopes that my fear of him wouldn't be showing

I searched for an option, I longed for an exit

I sweated and prayed that I wasn't his target

But just when I thought that I had seen my end He crumpled and folded and started to bend

And right at that moment he just broke down cryin

Admitting his enemies were Fred and Brian

He sobbed and he stammered, he pulled at his hair He blubbered not caring that any was there He stormed and he stamped as he read off offenses

He steamed as he listed the dire recompenses

I told him his problem just might be bad judgment On Flowers and bike paths, he had been so hell bent
I said there was more to his job than new showers Or than thinking of taxes and fees at all hours
I told him to stand up and admit to the blame Own up to it all and his head hang in shame I pointed out he had not done his job well
He drew himself up and threw out "Go to Hell"
He ran from his office and left me to stare He bypassed the lift and went straight for the stair
He raced down the floors to the lobby below No more would he listen, for I think he did know
He stopped at the exit, and with nostrils flaring, attempted to manage a more regal bearing
He sniffed and he growled as he walked away mumbling He unlocked his car with the keys he was fumbling

He climbed in that car where his dog had been penned

And pulled from a handicap spot once again

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight

“Daggonit that bastard, he just might be right.” 

Merry Christmas everyone! 

Merry Christmas Susie

While I have been known to use this blog site shamelessly in the past (and will probably do so in the future), I would like to take just a moment to make an exception. My cousin Susie Johnson is having a bone marrow transplant tomorrow as part of her ongoing treatments for leukemia. She is currently in remission, having gone through some rather extensive treatments to get to this point, and everything is looking very good for even more progress with the coming procedure. 

Christmas Eve is a lousy time to have to go through such a thing however, and I expect that it probably has her feeling a little low. I believe that the spirit of the holiday, as well as her own strong spirit, will provide her with a much happier new year as a consequence of these efforts. 

My request of you is to keep Susie, her husband Bob, and the rest of her family in your thoughts today as you prepare for your own Christmas festivities. I believe in the power of positive thought and positive attitude (and believe me, if anybody in my life has ever had an attitude, it was Susie). 

Merry Christmas Susie, Santa gonna have a big present for you...

Why Couldn't Al Be Right?

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas ... oh wait, that's what I am looking out my window at. In fact, it appears that most of North America north of the Mason-Dixon line will be looking at it was well. 

From Seattle to Secaucus, there appears to be a blanket of white that has little chance of leaving us before the Holiday. This appears to be assured by the fact that the temperature in this geographic region will not get above 0 degrees Celsius through the end of the week. Don't get me wrong, I find nothing wrong with winter. I love it however the same way a love my relations, something to be taken in small doses (I am sure that any of them reading this now feels much the same). 

Perhaps it is simply the cowardice that comes from the two years that I lived in Georgia. Winter was a much kinder, gentler thing there than it is here in beautiful Toledo. Cold was something that usually went away by noon, and ice was something that you put in a drink because it was relatively warm outside. Perhaps that it is because I'm tired of driving my skateboard of a car on roads better suited to a hockey game. Perhaps it is simply that I am getting older and less tolerant of the cold (and pretty much everything else, but that's another story). 

I find myself however, in the curious position of wondering why those dire predictions of global warming do not seem to have come to pass. Why couldn't we ignore the scientific evidence of sunspot activity pointing towards a global cooling? Why can't we ignore the growing number of scientists who are beginning to question the "irrefutable evidence" of a climate that's warming? Why couldn't we just ignore the global temperature statistics that tell us that the planet is getting cooler? 

Now for those of you who know me, this next is maybe the hardest thing that I have ever asked. Having to give credit or credence to the "inventor or the internet", our former vice-president of the United States is difficult for me. Having to give any credibility to a Nobel Prize winning empty suit is almost more than I can stomach, but here it goes:

Why couldn't Al Gore be right about global warming?

OK, I said it and I won't apologize. Sorry, but I'm freezing my butt off here and I will grasp at any straw to warm up a little. Now if you'll excuse me, I think that I am going to be unwell ... 

The Holiday Diet?

I have been thinking about going on a diet this week. I know that it's close to Christmas, and the temptations will be even greater than usual. I know that there are big dinners ahead for both the Christmas and News Years holidays. I also know that there will be more chocolate and other sweets within reach of my lack of will power than at any other time of the year. 

Unfortunately, there have also been a couple of full length mirrors in the hotel rooms that I have been staying in over the last couple of weeks. Without going into detail that might frighten the children and cause the women to faint, I have to tell you that picture reflected in those glass torture devices was frightening on a scale that I have difficulty describing. ("Scale" ... did you catch that clever use of comparative analogy?)

Aside from the pure vanity aspect however, I should point out that my blood pressure is a little high, as is my cholesterol and my blood sugar. My doctor isn't counting me out yet, but she is shaking both her head and her finger at me. If I don't do something soon, my only alternatives will involve medications (none of which contain mood enhancing chemicals dammit).

Just as I was about to embark upon yet one more attempt to lead a healthier lifestyle however, I was stopped in my tracks. Perhaps this was not the best time after all. Perhaps in light of the current financial crisis, I should hold off just a bit longer, while pumping money into the economy through the purchase of mass quantities of snacks with no food value at all. Perhaps, other than my normal lack of will power, there was a more than valid reason to wait before attempting improvement to both my health and appearance. Yes, I will wait just a bit longer before going on the diet that I know is necessary, for while continuing my these bad habits ...

I am too big to fail.

This of course, means that I retain some chance of a government bailout. Heck with Henry Paulson on the job, there is every reason to believe that I might be on a short list. Oh, I'm not really sure that I would take one if offered, but I will never be able to prove that I am above such temptation unless I keep the option open. I guess that the diet will just have to wait until January 20th, when the new team takes the field. So in the meantime, pass the egg nog and the Christmas cookies over here, I'm feeling a bit peckish. 

Have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, and safe and prosperous New Year! 

Three Wise Men

There will apparently be three new wise men (or women in at least one case) heading to a seat of power this Holiday season. These will not be coming from the East to pay homage at the birth of the Messiah however (no matter how often that little chestnut has been roasted during this election season). Rather they will be making a journey to a different kind of seat of power in Washington DC. You see, there are three Senate seats to fill because of the election of 2008:

Senator from New York - since Hilary Clinton has been appointed to the position of Secretary of State

Senator from Delaware - since Joe Biden will be taking the position of vice-president of the United States

and Senator from Illinois - since Barack Obama has been elected President of the United States

Senator Clinton's seat appears to be now coveted by Caroline Kennedy, daughter of former President John F Kennedy and niece to Sen. Ted Kennedy of MA and of Sen. Robert Kennedy who previously held the seat. While Ms. Kennedy has not served in government prior to this, she is a lawyer and has worked behind the scenes in a number of charitable organizations over the years. Besides, with the Kennedy name behind her, there is a great deal of sentiment out there saying that it is an inherited title. It will be difficult for the the NY governor to appoint anyone else if she is truly interested in this position.

Senator Biden's seat looks to be going to Edward Kaufman, his long time chief of staff. Kaufman, aged 69, appears not to be seeking the position in order to be able to run for it again in 2010 from the position incumbent (something rather unusual in itself). Instead, he appears to want to be a placeholder for Beau Biden, the current Senator's son, who would like to run for the office but is currently fulfilling an obligation with the National Guard unit currently deployed in Iraq.

Senator (and now president elect) Barack Obama's seat appears to be for sale, or at least it was until Governor Rod Blagojevich got caught trying to put it up for bid (perhaps he would have done better just putting it up on Ebay). As a consequence of the governors recent arrest on Federal charges, it may in fact be a while before a candidate able to escape the taint of the process emerges for this seat.

I point to these three positions to once again shine a little light on the election of hope and change in 2008. 

Even those of us who didn't vote for the president-elect couldn't help but wish that some part of the promise of hope and change that were the message of Barack Obama would actually be fulfilled. Unfortunately, it appears that government will be business as usual, at least as it applies to filling these positions. Once again, we are treated to the backroom shenanigans of the power brokers in politics, and a healthy does of nepotism, elitism, and cronyism.

Caroline Kennedy may be a good person, but has no prior experience in government before taking one of the highest elected positions in the land. She is only receiving consideration because of the name recognition. Mr. Kaufman gets the nod as a payback for prior service and because apparently he has agreed to step out of the way when Joe Biden's son is ready to run for his father's current office. As for the Illinois situation, it speaks volumes about the politics as usual that know are prevalent on the national level and how they are taken to their most egregious level in the Chicago version.

I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same ...

My Christmas List

Well it's a week before Christmas Eve, and I'll be damned if the Holiday didn't just sneak up on me once again. I know that I am supposed to be prepared for it, being a white bearded guy with an expansive waistline, but I have been spending a lot of time in the south instead of my normal haunts in the north lately and the help up there just isn't what it used to be (elves just don't seem to have the work ethic that they used to ... but at least they haven't organized yet). As a consequence, with just a few days left before the 24th, I am going over some of the names on "The List" a final time (twice just didn't seem to be enough this year) before making the required deliveries. 

There are so many names and gifts however and so little time that I thought I might enlist some help with some of them. So here's a few of my undecideds, perhaps I can get a little affirmation that what I'm doing is the right thing for these particular boys and girls:

• President-elect Obama - Some new friends to hang out with whose reputations won't have a negative impact on his.
• John McCain - A spine and a pair of brass ones. He appears to have lost his somewhere between getting the Republican nomination for president and today.
• Joe Biden - Nope sorry, he already got it. Being vice-president is exactly what he deserves.
• Sarah Palin - A gallon of industrial strength target remover. She seems to have run out.
• Governor Rod Blagojevich - A haircut and a double dose of humility. He seems desperately in need of both.
• Hilary Clinton - A leash
• Bill Clinton - A collar
• George Bush - A sunset to ride off into.
• Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson - A case of Nytol. The only time he doesn't seem to be giving our money away is when he is sleeping, so more is better.
• The Big 3 Automakers - A no-fault Nevada divorce from the UAW, with no alimony due.
• The Congress of the United States of America - A full-sized copy of the Constitution for each of them, they seem to have forgotten what was written there.
• The Newspaper Industry - An Irish wake. If we are to go down in flames, let it be with a bang and not a whimper.
• Mayor Carlton S. Finkbeiner - Three cases of coffee cups. My understanding is that he likes to throw them when he gets mad and somehow I think he's going to need a few extra going into 2009.
• Lucas County Commissioner Ben Konop - A copy of the Ohio Revised Code and a book on quilting. Perhaps if he takes up a hobby, he will stop looking for ways to spend the money I pay in taxes on projects that state law makes no provision for.
• The citizens of Toledo - 25,000 valid signatures on Take Back Toledo recall petitions for Mayor Finkbeiner. No explanation required.

Now I am sure that there are already some out there saying that some on this list might deserve only a rock of coal this year. While this is potentially correct, I am trying to be a greener gift-giver this year and reduce the carbon footprint of my gifts, so anything relating to fossil fuels was out. If however, anyone has alternate suggestions, they should feel free to help me out ... and remember, time is running short.

On The Other Foot

For those of you who somehow missed it, Iraqi TV journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi through his shoes at President Bush during a press conference held as part of a surprise visit to that city. A surprisingly nimble Bush dodged the shoe, sustaining no injury, and got on with the event. The reporter, not surprisingly, was detained by the Iraqi authorities.

The point of mentioning this is not that the Secret Service detail did not exactly perform its assigned duties in the most stellar fashion. (Oh that had to be a fun employee evaluation for a couple of people afterward.) It is also not a political comment on the President's standing in the Arab community in general, and Iraq in particular (though some would like to make it so). The point of mentioning this story is to point out the complete loss of objectivity in the press these days.

Not content to slant stories to a particular point of view while supposedly telling them objectively, no longer willing to simply tell the stories that illustrate a particular point of view, no longer happy to advance their own agendas rather than report the facts; reporters now feel the need to become the story, using action instead of argument to make their point. You might legitimately call this an isolated incident (so far) and believe this is not something generally expected from the press, but Abdel-Bari Atwan, editor of the London-based newspaper A-Quds Al-Arabi rather than condemn the act, wrote that it was "a proper goodbye for a war criminal". Other members of the press in a show of support are calling for his immediate release.

If the mainstream media would like to know why their audience is deserting them, if they would like to know why they are held in increasing lower respect, if they would like to know why everything that they put forth is now questioned they have only to look at this incident. The line between journalism and editorializing has been further blurred. The truth of the matter is that line may have faded away completely, erased by those who were its guardians. But for today the story is not the press conference but the press itself, and the shoe is on the other foot (or at least it was until he threw it).

 

The "Stuck On Stupid" Toledo Dictionary #14

Once again, we turn our attention to the curious tome known as the Stuck on Stupid Dictionary of Toledo. This growing piece of ... reference material (almost got you, didn't I) contains words nominally part of the English language, but which have special meaning in Toledo, Ohio.



Suburban:

1. The residential area outside of a city or large town.  
2. A pejorative expression that the mayor uses to describe a resident of such a residential area disagreeing with him or taking opposing view. 
3. A person of apparently no standing, intelligence, or class who likewise has no reason to be poking their nose into the affairs of the city of Toledo whether they do business in or pay taxes to that municipality or not.