Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Christmas List

Well it's a week before Christmas Eve, and I'll be damned if the Holiday didn't just sneak up on me once again. I know that I am supposed to be prepared for it, being a white bearded guy with an expansive waistline, but I have been spending a lot of time in the south instead of my normal haunts in the north lately and the help up there just isn't what it used to be (elves just don't seem to have the work ethic that they used to ... but at least they haven't organized yet). As a consequence, with just a few days left before the 24th, I am going over some of the names on "The List" a final time (twice just didn't seem to be enough this year) before making the required deliveries. 

There are so many names and gifts however and so little time that I thought I might enlist some help with some of them. So here's a few of my undecideds, perhaps I can get a little affirmation that what I'm doing is the right thing for these particular boys and girls:
  • President-elect Obama - Some new friends to hang out with whose reputations won't have a negative impact on his.
  • John McCain - A spine and a pair of brass ones. He appears to have lost his somewhere between getting the Republican nomination for president and today.
  • Joe Biden - Nope sorry, he already got it. Being vice-president is exactly what he deserves.
  • Sarah Palin - A gallon of industrial strength target remover. She seems to have run out.
  • Governor Rod Blagojevich - A haircut and a double dose of humility. He seems desperately in need of both.
  • Hilary Clinton - A leash
  • Bill Clinton - A collar
  • George Bush - A sunset to ride off into.
  • Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson - A case of Nytol. The only time he doesn't seem to be giving our money away is when he is sleeping, so more is better.
  • The Big 3 Automakers - A no-fault Nevada divorce from the UAW, with no alimony due.
  • The Congress of the United States of America - A full-sized copy of the Constitution for each of them, they seem to have forgotten what was written there.
  • The Newspaper Industry - An Irish wake. If we are to go down in flames, let it be with a bang and not a whimper.
  • Mayor Carlton S. Finkbeiner - Three cases of coffee cups. My understanding is that he likes to throw them when he gets mad and somehow I think he's going to need a few extra going into 2009.
  • Lucas County Commissioner Ben Konop - A copy of the Ohio Revised Code and a book on quilting. Perhaps if he takes up a hobby, he will stop looking for ways to spend the money I pay in taxes on projects that state law makes no provision for.
  • The citizens of Toledo - 25,000 valid signatures on Take Back Toledo recall petitions for Mayor Finkbeiner. No explanation required.
Now I am sure that there are already some out there saying that some on this list might deserve only a rock of coal this year. While this is potentially correct, I am trying to be a greener gift-giver this year and reduce the carbon footprint of my gifts, so anything relating to fossil fuels was out. If however, anyone has alternate suggestions, they should feel free to help me out ... and remember, time is running short.


Antipelagian said...

I'll take most of what's on that list...who's tree should I be looking under?

Uh-oh, I think I just gave Bill Clinton a pick-up line at the Office of the President Elect Christmas Eve party...

Ben said...

I disagree on Biden...I know what you mean, but for him it is great. He will love it.

Tim Higgins said...


Even the big guy can't help but screw up in reverse from time to time, but I have to believe that putting Joe in a position of extreme irrelevance is the best that can be done. The fact that Joe will enjoy being irrelevant is his problem, not mine.

Roland Hansen said...

All I can say is:
Oh woe unto me!