Saturday, November 19, 2011

Warning: Thanksgiving Health Alert

The nation once again faces a pandemic of fantastic proportions that has been largely ignored in what can be seen as little more than a national health scandal.  And while many of you have probably experienced one of these outbreaks, which suspiciously occur on the fourth Thursday of November each year, few have the proper medical training to in fact recognize one when it occurs.

Though anecdotal reports of symptomology have surfaced for many years, both the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control have failed to take these annual scourges with the degree of seriousness that they undoubtedly deserve.  For those of you who may not have heard of this dread affliction and are wondering what all the fuss is about, I am of course talking about:

Inability to resist
Gorging on 
Outrageous and
Unbelievable amounts of 

More commonly known as 'PIGOUT'; this disease is characterized by an inability to stop consuming vast quantities of such seasonal dishes as turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, and jellied cranberries.  Even when such consumption reaches herculean proportions, causes incredible discomfort, and forces the loosening of clothing at the waistline; sufferers continue attempts to nibble, often picking at the remains of these Bacchanalian feasts while voicing plaintive cries that, "of course I still have room for a slice of pie".  

Apparently overcome by an overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to stuff their 'pie holes' (appropriately named as the disease runs its course); they are now apparently unable to drag themselves away from the table until the sounds of football games can be heard coming from their television sets.  Stuffed far more than the turkeys that they regretfully (and very carefully) abandon, full on a scale that makes even Mr Creosote  seem anorexic (careful, this link contains questionable and disturbing material), and having seemingly waited all day to watch these sporting events, they now find an irresistible urge to sleep off the effects of their hours long binge; missing these long anticipated games almost entirely. (Apparently, a chemical substance known as Tryptophan is released by the bird in question, which contributes in some unknown fashion to the already egregious symptoms.)  

Gradually waking, and ostensibly having recovered from an eating binge that would put Orson Welles and Michael Moore off their feed for a week; they will sometimes nevertheless relapse into symptoms on a somewhat smaller scale, only to once again slip into somnolence.

There is no need to call 911 or to seek emergency medical treatment for such an outbreak.  Effective treatments for PIGOUT in fact do not exist, and there is nothing to do for those suffering except to provide them time, patience, and plates of snacks to aid in their recovery.  (There have been rumors for years that this lack of effort in seeking a cure is in fact a conspiracy perpetrated on an unsuspecting public by a cartel of fowl corporations, who have long paid off major pharmaceutical companies to withhold release of possible treatments; but evidence has been difficult to gather and whistle blowers have refused to come forward for Congressional hearings long-delayed during abortive budget debates.)  

While modern medicine seems largely unconcerned over the potentially devastating effects of PIGOUT, we here at 'Just Blowing Smoke' feel it our civic duty to sound the alarm on such potential health hazards.  And while a cure for this debilitating disease remains beyond the grasp of modern medicine, drawing attention to its ravages may be of some assistance as a prophylactic measure.  At the very least, being forewarned of a potential outbreak this far in advance may allow you to prepare for it by wearing loose clothing on the day in question, reinforcing the furniture that may come into use, and in the worst case scenario, keeping a number of buckets handy for proper disposal of what will undoubtedly be material considered a bio-hazard.  

Happy Thanksgiving


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