Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Emergency Travel Alert

This is a special travel alert for any and all of you who are planning on venturing out during this final bit of the vacation season this summer. There is a malevolent group of individuals out there that is bent on doing unspeakable evil upon you and if you expect to survive your trip, you need to be on the lookout. No, I'm not talking about the guys with the cheese and cell phones or Islamic terrorists. I talking about a far more dangerous group, and one that has carrying out its nefarious schemes far longer. I'm talking about no less than ...

The Anti-Destination League

What, you say that you have never heard of the ADL? Well of course you haven't. This organization, steeped in secrecy since the beginnings of the public transportation, seeks only to make people's lives miserable while travelling. Recruitment methods and initiation rituals continue to remain a mystery (though it appears that having a mean spirit and rotten disposition seems to be considered almost essential for potential membership - you know, government employees). Neither has any successful infiltration of this organization led to revelation of their methods of operation or of the ghastly practices that they perpetrate on an unsuspecting public. It has been said in fact, that they taught the Masons about secrecy and the IRA about retribution.

Come on you say, no such organization could possibly exist and remain so completely unknown. Let me ask you this:
  • Who do you think blocks ticket counters preventing anyone from checking in for flights?
  • Who do you think are the people who block the boarding gates at airports preventing you from getting on a plane, even when they cannot or will not board themselves?
  • Who stands next to the baggage carousel, apparently without bags to pick up, and prevents you from getting to your luggage?
  • Who stops in the middle of a crowded terminal for no apparent reason, blocking your way when you are racing to catch a flight for which you are already late?
  • Who refuses to sit in their seat and fasten their seat belt after boarding a plane, delaying its departure and insuring that you miss your connecting flight?
  • Who do you think really runs the TSA security system?
Ah, only now do you begin to see that what you thought were simple misfortunes or random bad luck were in fact an elaborate strategy. Only now can you begin to conceive of the devious operations perpetrated on an unsuspecting public by this band of evil doers. No my friends, these are not amateurs, but experts in the art of preventing anyone from getting anywhere.

What then, is your defense against them? Can you hope to survive your coming confrontation with these masters of travel mischief. Ladies and gentlemen you can. While they cannot be avoided, their plans for you can be circumvented by following these simple procedures:

  1. Keep a smile on your face and a sunny disposition at all times (it not only infuriates them, but can throw them off their game).
  2. Keep your carry-on luggage close and firmly in your grasp no matter what. (Not only will this action protect the luggage itself, but may provide you a weapon of last resort in the event of a serious confrontation.)
  3. Keep you plans flexible. (After all, no matter how well you plan, they may get to you.)
Good Luck, And Good Travels

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