The New Travel Game

For those of you who weren't aware of it, last week's weekend rant was 'Missing in Action' because I was busy with a bit of family business.  It seems that my son had decided that the housewarming for his recently purchased abode provided an excellent excuse to kill two birds with one stone; allowing the opportunity to marry the love of his life Sarah Moglia at the same time.  The opportunity, not to mention necessity of attendance at such an event goes without saying; and Friday I found myself on an airplane for Columbus, Ohio.

Now while I had spent most of the better part of 35 years traveling on these 'Greyhounds of the Air', it had been a couple of years since the last such journey; enough so that most of the residual pain of doing so had worn off.  So it was with little trepidation that I prepared to visit three very familiar airports.  Kansas City's starting point presented few deterrents to travel.   Operating out of three separate and distinct terminals, it presents few obstacles to the regular traveler.  In fact, the obviousness of its conveniences has led city planners, in conjunction with federal authorities, to contemplate a complete redesign of the facility in order to make it more accommodating for TSA mall cops and less so for the traveling public.  (Heaven forbid that Americans should continue to enjoy the process of going where they please without the heavy hand of government to inject at least some minor misery into the process.)

The rest of the day's travel process went without incident (evidently they've finally taken the TSA 'Wanted' poster of me down), and I got to change planes in my former home base of Cleveland with relative ease before the short flight to Columbus (an airport that served as my launching point for over 20 years).  The weekend's festivities came off without a hitch (though I wasn't able to visit with all the folks that I would have liked to), and before I knew it I was once more at the airport, preparing for my return.  

As in many cases however, the apparent ease of the outbound effort was merely a set-up for a double helping of misery on the return.  After arriving earlier than normal for the first flight, I was quickly informed that there would be 3-1/2 hours of delay soon after I reached my gate.  With my original connection now lost however, I was re-booked to an alternate with plenty of layover time to spare.  The flight proved even later than expected however, and like the old days, I found myself racing through the neon tunnel between B and C terminals at O'Hare airport in an attempt to make up the difference.  I discovered that my exertions were needless though, when my arrival there at the next gate came just in time for the announcement of mechanical problems and a departure that would be later still.  After finally arriving home around midnight, I discovered that the result of my journey was that I could have instead driven to Kansas City in the time that it took me to enjoy the more expeditious plan of flying. 

Now those of you have read my offerings for any length of time, know that I am not easily dismayed by the aggravations of airline travel, nor am I easily taken in by the tireless efforts to thwart my travel plans of the ADL.  (For those less well informed, the ADL is the 'Anti-Destination League', a nefarious organization of ne'er-do-wells whose sole purpose in life is to prevent anyone in an airport from getting anywhere.  For additional information on them, search postings under ADL in this blog.)  In fact, I long ago created a game that I use at airports order to distract myself from the misery attendant with their machinations in such stalled efforts.  In this simple enough at some minor entertainment, I simply look around at my fellow passengers, robed in what I assume to be their sartorial splendor.  Understanding after all that my fellow travelers, knowing that they would be in a very public venue, undoubtedly chose their clothes with great care and at some point looked into the mirror to admire the result before their airport departure stating, "Damn, I look good in this!"  

Seeing them as I did (and you probably often have), I'm sure that you might have agreed with some of them.  Others however, might have used some assistance from one of the reality show fashion police, and some probably should have donated their choices to the Salvation Army rather than inflict them upon the rest of the traveling public.  Needless to say, I find that admiring the diversity of such choices the perfect curative for the tedium of such terminal (pun intended) existence and can also prove a vital part of the study of my fellow man in which I regularly participate.  These often endlessly amusing choices are not only a palative, but a constant proof that the ridiculous experience that we call life must be laughed at if it's to be endured at all.  Normally however, my play is forced to end as I board the flight; and I am left with whatever reading material I had brought along or in a pinch, the airline Sky Mall catalogue.  This weekend however, I added on new in-flight version of amusement that I'd like to share with you.   

Now as most of you know, the width of the average coach seat was designed around the size and comfort of the gluteous maximus (butt) of a 12 year-old, and only then, if it was one suffering from anorexia.  Not fitting any part of that description, I am therefore not normally surprised to be somewhat uncomfortable during my time in the air.  While attempting to endure such suffering in silence however, it suddenly occurred to me to wonder who might feel similar discomfort under similar circumstances (or perhaps, even more).  Knowing that most of the people I was thinking of would never be forced to fly coach in fact did nothing to detract from the amusement I felt as I imagined the pain that would be theirs. 

What are the odds, for example, of any female member of the Kardashian family could even get in or out of one of the poly-whatever Chinese finger puzzle that masquerades as commuter airline seat I was now calling home? (A thought which by itself, almost made my own agony bearable.)  How about the picture of Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce trying to get their famous and more-than-generous 'booties' into one of these less-than-generous chair offerings?  Could these transport torture devices finally give actors John Goodman and Dan Aykroyd the payback for inflicting upon us the Blues Brothers sequels?  As for the thought of Michael Moore's whining ass wedged in with his blue-collar brethren, it might well become a cinematic effort worthy of not only documentary award, but perhaps even of pay-per-view fees. 

As for our nation's leaders ...  

Oh sure, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid might manage getting his 'Gollum butt' in what I'm convinced has long been a govt. issued seat design anyway, but I've got 3 to 1 odds that the better part of the House and Senate would have a bit a difficulty fitting in his place.  The President looks to be able to make the effort without much of one, but I suspect the First Lady might be less than amused with the opportunity of trying.  I might even suggest that avoidance of commercial air travel may be one of the few truly bi-partisan efforts inside the Beltway these days.  One might even go so far as to wonder whether the UN should be asked to step in to label the average seating experience on an airplane as a violation of the Geneva Conventions on the treatment of prisoners (which inevitably we are).

Oh sure, now safely at home, I recognize that the processes involved in such shoddy amusements are not only politically incorrect, but could probably be considered 'just plain mean'. I'm OK with that however, because it's my amusement after all, and these mental pictures were funny.  Maybe in fact, it's that very 'meanness' that appeals to the inner Curmudgeon in me (one that's surround by an increasingly larger 'outer curmudgeon' BTW).  While I am occasionally dismayed that to discover that I'm enough of a twisted Torquemada to be able to deal with my own discomforts by somewhat gleefully imagining those of others; it's nice to know that airline travel can still be used as an educational and inspirational experience.  And in spite of my misgivings over using such tacky mental distractions as a form of personal amusements, you will find this new entertainment added to my repertoire of travel games.

(Take that, ADL!)

The New Threat

I have warned readers of this blog in the past of the diabolic threat of the ADL (Anti-Destination League), a secretive and nefarious organization bent on delaying travelers at every ticket counter, boarding gate, and baggage claim carousel in this country. It has come to the attention of the DJBSS (Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security) however, that this is not only evil alliance attempting to work its perverse will on the general public.

It is therefore with considerable sarcasm, extensive irony, and tongue planted firmly in cheek that I raise the threat level in this country to "plaid". It seems that though once considered eradicated forever, the dreaded Permanent Regiment for Idiotic Guilt has in fact made a decisive reappearance. These agents are not to be confused with your everyday prig however. It is the goal of these PRIGs in fact, to make everyone (including themselves) feel endlessly guilty for not following rules that most have never heard of, don't understand, and would consider downright silly when and if they did.

Originally known as the Paperwork Enlargement & Enforcement Patrol, these parasites once limited their activities to the creation of endless forms that everyone had to fill out, but no one ever read. This malicious band of malcontents was forced to change its name and ambition however, when their ultimate goal was achieved far in advance of their carefully written, annoyingly ponderous, and massively detailed plans.

Quite frankly, they were considering the name change anyway, since no one could take seriously a group whose members called themselves PEEP's. Their former ID badges (edible in the case of capture) were and still are considered delicious however; and for some strange reason, make an annual appearance every Easter.

Make no mistake that these are simple prudes however, these PRIGs are a dangerous bunch with a puritanical strip a mile wide. They are well-recognized experts in the arts of creating distress in those caught unaware in a web inconsistently interpreted behavioral legalize or misapplied elucidations of antiquated custom. Many's the poor innocent who thought themselves snared by a simple misunderstanding of manners, only to unexpectedly find themselves embarrassed, shamed, and publicly humiliated by an agent of PRIG for doing something that they not only didn't realize was wrong, but hadn't even realized that they'd done.

Cough in your hand instead of the inside of your elbow, and you'll find them at the ready with an expectorated disparagement. Wipe your nose with a handkerchief instead of a disposable tissue and they'll be at the ready with a audible sniff or two of their own. Improperly recycle an aluminum can, plastic bottle, or newspaper and you'll find your self-esteem similarly and improperly disposed of. If by some mischance you should make the fatal error of being caught smoking in any place (public or private), be prepared for their full frontal wrath, and a diatribe the likes of which few have survived. (See, they were right, smoking can be hazardous to your health.)

While there is no escape from these psychotic sycophants of pointless propriety once they get you in their evil clutches, they can in fact be avoided. The key to such subtle subterfuge is early recognition of your enemy. A PRIG can be easily distinguished from those around him by an unmistakable pinch-faced expression, the stink of false modesty, and a determined and relentless stride. If you see someone who looks like they're sucking on a sour grape, smells like a ripe diaper pail, and walks at a pace only used by someone approaching a cop at a parking meter just as time on it is expiring .... turn at a right angle to their path and make your way quickly and quietly to the nearest exit (windows can and should be included in this category when on the second floor or lower).

PRIGs are not to be taken on lightly and can be challenged directly only at the greatest personal peril. Do not therefore, attempt to confront such a person in single combat; as they are armed with an over-abundance of self-righteousness and armored against retaliation by oblivious conformity. While accepting the challenge of battle (even knowing you will lose) might seem on its face a courageous act; such selfless sacrifice will ultimately prove pointless. It will protect neither your reputation nor that of your companions. Discretion calls for even the heartiest soul to seek salvation in diplomatic cowardice in such cases, while living to fight another day. PRIGs can in fact only hope to be defeated when the odds are greatly in your favor (2:1 is good, but I personally prefer at least 4:1).

While isolated reports of PRIG encounters are occurring already, there is no telling when this will ramp up into a full-fledged pogrom. Any incidents or even encounters with PRIGs can be and should be reported immediately to the DJBSS hotline at: 1-800-RATBUTT (which is the PC way to tell you sorry, "tell someone who give's a rat's ass").

Remember, you have now been formally warned. Keep safe ... and Good Luck!

Emergency Travel Alert

This is a special travel alert for any and all of you who are planning on venturing out during this final bit of the vacation season this summer. There is a malevolent group of individuals out there that is bent on doing unspeakable evil upon you and if you expect to survive your trip, you need to be on the lookout. No, I'm not talking about the guys with the cheese and cell phones or Islamic terrorists. I talking about a far more dangerous group, and one that has carrying out its nefarious schemes far longer. I'm talking about no less than ...

The Anti-Destination League

What, you say that you have never heard of the ADL? Well of course you haven't. This organization, steeped in secrecy since the beginnings of the public transportation, seeks only to make people's lives miserable while travelling. Recruitment methods and initiation rituals continue to remain a mystery (though it appears that having a mean spirit and rotten disposition seems to be considered almost essential for potential membership - you know, government employees). Neither has any successful infiltration of this organization led to revelation of their methods of operation or of the ghastly practices that they perpetrate on an unsuspecting public. It has been said in fact, that they taught the Masons about secrecy and the IRA about retribution.

Come on you say, no such organization could possibly exist and remain so completely unknown. Let me ask you this:

• Who do you think blocks ticket counters preventing anyone from checking in for flights?
• Who do you think are the people who block the boarding gates at airports preventing you from getting on a plane, even when they cannot or will not board themselves?
• Who stands next to the baggage carousel, apparently without bags to pick up, and prevents you from getting to your luggage?
• Who stops in the middle of a crowded terminal for no apparent reason, blocking your way when you are racing to catch a flight for which you are already late?
• Who refuses to sit in their seat and fasten their seat belt after boarding a plane, delaying its departure and insuring that you miss your connecting flight?
• Who do you think really runs the TSA security system?

Ah, only now do you begin to see that what you thought were simple misfortunes or random bad luck were in fact an elaborate strategy. Only now can you begin to conceive of the devious operations perpetrated on an unsuspecting public by this band of evil doers. No my friends, these are not amateurs, but experts in the art of preventing anyone from getting anywhere.

What then, is your defense against them? Can you hope to survive your coming confrontation with these masters of travel mischief. Ladies and gentlemen you can. While they cannot be avoided, their plans for you can be circumvented by following these simple procedures:

1. Keep a smile on your face and a sunny disposition at all times (it not only infuriates them, but can throw them off their game).
2. Keep your carry-on luggage close and firmly in your grasp no matter what. (Not only will this action protect the luggage itself, but may provide you a weapon of last resort in the event of a serious confrontation.)
3. Keep you plans flexible. (After all, no matter how well you plan, they may get to you.)

Good Luck, And Good Travels