Super Terrorist

I found myself flying out of my bed in the wee hours of the morning in my quest for sleep last night. (No, it was not simply my guilty conscience, though you would think that would be cause enough.) The cause of my rude awakening was a nightmare of almost Biblical proportions. Somehow, my subconscious had managed to put 2 and 2 together and come up with a result that was truly frightening. Since I have no scruples where the comfort of others is concerned, let me share this horrific thought with you.

What if you took a socially-progressive liberal, added a healthy does of a rabid environmentalist, and topped the whole thing off with a dash of religious fundamentalism? What would you end up with?

A Super-Terrorist!

Can you imagine what a world with this type of fanatic would look like and the contradictions that would ensue:

1. Hybrid, or at least fuel efficient, car bombs.
   
2. Environmental groups who kill anyone and everyone just to reduce the damage that human beings are doing (in their opinion) "killing the planet".
3. Global warming death squads that attack oil company headquarters, drilling platforms, coal mines, and refineries.
4. The death penalty by beheading for anyone using more than their allotted carbon footprint.
   
5. Solar and wind-powered bomb factories.
   
6. IED's that would no long target military vehicles, but instead blow up SUV's.
   
7. Cities which are riddled with plague as PETA and other nature groups prevent us from killing disease-ridden rats and mosquitoes.
   
8. Suicide bombers who, riddled with guilt over the violence being perpetrated in society, kill not only themselves and their opposition groups, but often die attacking their own group as well.
   
9. Sectarian violence with gangs killing each other using bio-degradable bullets.
   
10. Universal health care for all of those injured in the above described sectarian violence.
    
11. Government mandated weight, blood pressure, and cholesterol levels, with strict diet controls for violators.
    
12. Every child born to be given $5,000.00, with additional matching government funds provided as the child grows. These funds to be used to cover the child's cost of weapons and ammunition.
    
13. Designer scarves for those who need anonymity for their terrorist activities, but are more committed to the money that they are raking in than to the cause that they are fighting for.
    
14. Life in prison without parole for killing a tree, a porpoise, or a whale; but not for killing a person.

If any or all this scares the living bejeezus out of you, you can begin to understand why my night's rest might have been interrupted. Society has become socially conscious, infinitely fragmented, and increasingly intolerant all at the same time. It sometimes appears that it is only a matter of time before this equation adds up to some form of disaster. While I have faith that we will come out on the other side of this apparent insanity, I clearly understand that faith is "believing in something when common sense tells you not to".

There are few times in my life when I am grateful in life for the age that I have reached. The above listed prediction in my rather flawed crystal ball makes me glad that I will probably be taking a dirt nap before they actually occur. For those of you younger than me (and feeling pretty smug about it right up until now, weren't you): Be afraid, be very afraid.

That's Not Right #3 - Candidates

There is a TV commercial currently making the rounds that is put on by the folks at Dividedwefall.org. It's supposed to tug at our heartstrings by using children to tell us what kind of candidates that they would vote for if they were only old enough to vote.  

First of all let me say that once again, a liberal organization is shamelessly using children to promote their agenda, a practice which is truly beginning to sicken me. (though I am not looking for government health care to treat this illness)  

Second, there is little doubt that these are well-coached child actors who would normally not know the first thing about the issues that they are speaking about or be able to voice their opinions so coherently if they were not working off of a script written by someone with an agenda.  

Third, since these are in fact children, with very little exposure to the realities of life, why in heaven's name would I use their opinion (even if I agreed with it) to guide my voting preferences?  

OK, three strikes, you're out! I am really getting tired of any group, liberal or conservative, hiding behind children in order to get their message heard. If you believe in the message, stand behind it yourself and be proud. Don't take a cowards approach of using children as a shield. I am equally tired of the story that the job of elected officials or of the government is to take care of the citizens. 

While it has been a while since I have taken a civics class (hell, they probably don't even call them that any more), it seems to me that I remember that elected officials are sent to represent constituents, and that only. I don't care whether the cause is fixing health care or saving an endangered toad, the government exceeds its authority when it attempts such things. The Constitution defines not only the responsibilities of government, but the limits of it. If the citizens do not like those limits, they have the right and responsibility to change that document; and they have a mechanism (Amending) with which to do so. 

When are we going to recognize that it is not the government's job to supplant the care given by family, friends, or the simple generosity of perfect strangers in caring for each other? 

When are we going to recognize that it has always been the spirit of self reliance and stubborn pride in our own accomplishments that has made this country great?

So for all of you organizations out there trying to influence, cajole, persuade, or threaten me; for all of you groups that have a social agenda to push on me; for all of you who wish to tug on my heartstrings in order to change this country's government into something antithetical to the design of its Founding Fathers; let me tell you that you need not bother. I am after all a conservative, and one with a very libertarian point of view. It should therefore be readily apparent to you that I have no heart.

Gun Control - A Retraction

I wrote a posting back in June on the subject of Gun Control: http://justblowingsmoke.blogspot.com/2007/06/right-to-bear-arms.html I must say that since then, I have done some additional research and a lot of soul searching on the subject, and have come to the conclusion that I was wrong. (Yes, you are actually admitting me hear that I was wrong on something. Write down this date, because it doesn't happen often.) I would therefore like to retract my earlier position.

Don't get me wrong here, this is not to say that I am going out tomorrow to buy some land in Montana, purchase a bunch of automatic weapons, and start to gather a cult following whose uniform involves a lot of camouflage. (Nothing against Montana, but it's just too damn cold and empty out there. Besides, camouflage doesn't go well with my eyes.) Nor is it to say that I am still not concerned with a lot of the guns that are out there. I just don't think that the government has any business interfering with a Constitutionally guaranteed right.

This recent epiphany is not even so much about guns as it is my growing detestation for the insidious, incremental encroachment of the government on the federal, state and local levels on the freedoms that I was guaranteed when the states signed the Constitution. I, like far too many people in this country recently, had been fooled into believing that I could gain some measure of safety from the horrors of life around me if I was only willing to give up a small portion of the personal freedom that the Constitution granted me. Well Benjamin Franklin put it best when he said:

"Those who give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

On the other side of the question, this does not mean that some level of monitoring or licensing is not required. You have to reach a certain age, take certain training, and pass a test in order to get a license to drive. (The truth of the matter is that we require far more from a person to allow them to drive than we do to allow them to vote. Try and figure out that one.) Similar monitoring could be applied where guns are concerned. I would not care to see weapons in the hands of convicted criminals or mentally unstable individuals. Likewise I would prefer not to see machine guns, grenade launchers, or hand-held surface to air missiles in the hands of anyone outside of the military. Some responsibility, balance, and order needs to be discovered and maintained; but that can and should be done with the least government involvement possible.

Few realize that as recently as September of 2005, we saw local law enforcement officers and military personnel confiscating legally purchased and owned firearms from people trying to defend their homes in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. The government imposed its will in strict violation of the 2nd Amendment with no warning, little fanfare, and no outrage from either the national media or the rest of us. If such a gross encroachment on our freedoms can happen once, it can happen again. 

As for me, I still have no intention of ever owning a gun. I don't think that there is anything wrong with them, but I have no desire to be a gun owner. That decision is a free choice that I make, and should time and situation change, it is a decision that I would like to be able to reconsider at any future date. That being said, I am still considering a membership in the NRA for no other reason than to help insure that the 2nd Amendment is protected. I find these days that while I am still afraid of the violence that might be done to me with a gun, I am even more terrified of the "nanny state's" desire to protect me from anything that they feel might be a danger to me, and their confiscation of my liberties in the process.

COSI - Titannic of Toledo

Before the ink is even dry on the tally sheets for the November 6th levy votes, we see that our local elected representatives are choosing to ignore the will of the electorate. A letter was delivered yesterday to the board of COSI, signed by Mayor Finkbeiner, and Commissioners Gerken, Konop, and Skeldon-Wozniak. It urged the board of COSI to keep the doors open while alternate means of financing were being looked at, and with the promised support of those who signed to help achieve that alternate financing for COSI. 

It therefore appears that our elected officials feel the voice of the people, as expressed through the levy vote, is wrong. (People by the way whose current positions are owed to the dubious wisdom of those very same voters.) It is apparent now that to these particular government officials, voters are only to be trusted when they vote to give the government more power and money, and that they should otherwise be ignored. 

It also appears that COSI is the issue that will not die. The voters have spoken twice now to deny COSI access to taxpayer dollars that they never really had a right to in the first place. COSI is a private, non-profit organization whose only access to request levy money was granted by a change in the laws by the state legislature. COSI is an operation who by its own admission, was begun with a failed business plan. That plan included a promise that no further tax dollars would ever be requested or required. We now hear that this promise was either an error (see failed business plan) or a lie. In its current incarnation, COSI functions on $1.00 per year rent and what appears to be utility bills that are being deferred ad-infinitum (forever, for those of you who were never forced to sit through Latin classes). Even with these generous (taxpayer funded) operating costs, additional revenues from private donor contribution, memberships, daily ticket sales, food, and trinkets sold on premises; this science museum is unable to be self-supporting. 

There is not enough money to replace or refresh exhibits on a regular basis or to keep the existing ones in good repair. There appears to be a law of diminishing returns to even meet the salary demands of the limited staff required to operate the facility. To the mayor and county commissioners I therefore say this: The ship is going down, and has been for some time. You may put a brave face on this and gamely play on with the orchestra, but please allow the rest of us to enter the lifeboats. 

Do not pour good money over the bad you have already wasted in an effort to keep this Titanic afloat. She may have been a lovely ship at one time, but will sail no longer. Allow her to slip beneath the waves with dignity. While you are at it, please respect the wishes of the people whose confidence you asked for when you ran for election. 

If we were considered smart enough to have our votes count in electing you, we are smart enough to decide what we will support now. Worry about the rest of the fleet (the Erie Market, the Docks, the Arena), which will also sink without your continued attention. In some cases they already are - aka the Erie St Market. We will be watching, and we will remember.

Election - The Aftermath

I wrote this post last night, but only this morning had the courage to post it. Please forgive the apparent time inconsistencies.  

I woke up this morning feeling absolutely terrible. At first I thought that it was simply a general feeling of listlessness and disgust for the choices of my fellow Toledo and Lucas County voters. Then I realized that it was the result of a "Three Dog-Rocket Night". For those of you who do not enjoy savoring a fine cigar, this is a term deriving from the Eskimo's 3-Dog night, a situation when it gets so cold that they sleep surrounded by 3 dogs to maintain their body heat. In the cigar version of this occurrence,(and I know you know what I mean out there Luke), it is when one who appreciates cigars makes the mistaken judgement that it would be OK to smoke 3 cigars while listening to election coverage (or for any other reason for that matter). 

The result, no matter how many times you brush your teeth or gargle, is that you wake up with a taste in your mouth reminiscent of 3 dead dogs. Knowing that my guilt over my own stupidity, and the bad mood that I was in as a consequence of my own misjudgement was affecting my thinking; I decided to wait to say anything regarding Tuesday's election. 

As the day turned into evening, my mood (and the taste in my mouth) improved however. I began to collect my thoughts, get over my disappointments, and at last began to write. It was only then that I realized that like my choice in the quantity of cigars that I smoke, I may have this whole thing wrong (something that I often do). Perhaps the majority of the minority who actually voted knew something that I didn't, voted their well-informed conscience, and put us on the path to a brighter future.

That's it! The well educated, unbiased, and independent voters of Toledo and Lucas County realize that we are on the brink of an economic recovery of heroic proportions. Wages, property values, and the quality of life here are about to soar on an unparalleled scale. Money will be flowing like water from the waste treatment plant that the mayor spoke from today. The additional money that will be removed from our pockets from the 3 levies that passed will be insignificant compared with all of the money that will be coming our way. 

The Board of Education has been on the right path all along, and we need only to give them the time to allow those practices produce the results in our schools that they were designed to do. Wow, we need to call the president and the press and make this joyous news public. 

We have no right to keep such information from the American people. The market will soar, the dollar will improve, and our trade imbalance will disappear. My god, what relief to find that everything is going to be alright after all. Wait a minute, this can't be right. 

Sorry, feelings of euphoria momentarily overcame me. It must be the alcohol from the mouthwash. Please take all of the preceding as irony, or for those of you who never seem to understand irony ... never mind.

Love

I was so disheartened by yesterday's election that I decided to pass on the pleasure and pain of a post-election posting (at least that's my story so far). I decided instead to take on a totally unrelated subject. While part of this had to do with my despondency over the fact that I was unable to change the direction of the misguided choices that my fellow voters made. The rest was just was just my typically perverse nature, and desire to change the subject for no other reason than that I can. I therefore present the following completely unrelated, but equally mystifying topic for your edification: 

One of the few things that I have given up trying to understand about Life is Love. (There are a lot of other ones, but if I told you all of them now, what would I post about in the future?) This is not to say that I am unacquainted with the subject. I have what I hope are loving relationships with my family, my children, and my grandchildren. I even think that I have been lucky enough to have "been in love" a couple of times in my life. 

Even when I was in the midst of a situation where I thought that I was in love however, I have to say that I found myself completely confused most of the time. In this, I do not feel that I have been alone. As I am a voracious reader, I often seek the wisdom of those of a literary point of view on such weighty subjects. 

Many of the best writers in history have attempted to say something on the subject and have done well, but invariably I find myself going back to a science-fiction book called "When Harley Was One" by David Gerrold (most fans of SF know him as the man who wrote the Star Trek episode 'The Trouble With Tribbles'). To paraphrase, he described it as a process with three stages:  

1. The physical attraction between two people 

2. The bond that grows, emotionally and sexually as they learn more about each other 

3. The true loving relationship I also remember another line from the novel (which I have just discovered to my chagrin in writing this, that I have misplaced in process of my recent relocation), where the author talked about love being about "placing another person's welfare above your own".  

On the other hand, Robert Frost used an equally apt, but somewhat selfish description, calling it: "...an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired". Now before we pull out the box of tissues, make a hot cup of tea, and curl up in a blanket; let me also point out that this emotional state has contributed more to silly, ridiculous, and socially suicidal behavior than anything else in the course of human history. 

Here I can speak with some knowledge and experience. In the course of my life, I like many, have probably committed some incredibly idiotic, horribly embarrassing, and potentially fatal acts in the name of this emotion (and I've led a pretty sheltered life). No "Candid Camera" reel or "America's Funniest Home Video" episode could hope to capture the range of demented behavior that I and my fellow man daily commit in order to win the hearts of the ones they love, so I will certainly not try. 

I could probably cite a few of the numerous specific examples from my own past as proof, but I'm not sure if the statute of limitations has run out on all of them, and therefore feel that it might be better if I don't. I will simply say that if this is what Evolution has determined that the male of the species should go through in order to cement the bond required for the mating and reproductive process, we may be on our way out.  

As for what women do and have done, being neither a woman nor the gay friend of one, such information has never been shared with me. The limited information that I have gleaned on this particular subject from overheard conversations however, is terrifying to me on an almost Biblical scale.  

My only conclusion is that maybe in the end, we aren't supposed to be able to figure such things out. Maybe love is a mystery that we are supposed to embrace, rather than solve. Maybe the terror and confusion are an essential part of the joy and excitement that we experience when in love. On the other hand, one has to wonder if there is some lemming DNA hiding in our genetic background and love is simply the cliff that we line up to leap from. (Could this be where the term lover's leap actually came from, maybe?) 

Voting

Well I was out there bright and early this morning to place my vote at the proper polling place. Of course I had to cast a provisional ballot because having been here slightly over a year, the Board of Elections in Lucas County has not properly entered my name on the voting roll yet; but then again, they have had only a year to work with. Voting right as the polls opened, I managed to do so without running into any of the candidates. 

No offense to anyone running for office out there, but you have to realize that by now we are sick of the sound of your voice and of seeing your face. The only thing that might prevent us from voting in fact, would be having to run a gauntlet of candidates in order to do so. I know that all candidates want that last bit of name recognition, but this should be weighed carefully, lest you remind us that you were the one that we wanted to be sure not to vote for. 

I was not alone at getting in to place my vote early (possibly for the same reason). It was gratifying to see that a few of my fellow citizens were braving the dark, the cold, and the snow flurries in order to perform duty as citizens. Looking at the entire process however, I find that I am constantly amazed at the way that we treat this most sacred of America responsibilities. The voting machines themselves looked like reworked projector stands from the grade school that I went to in the 60's. Record keeping is done with pads of paper large enough to be books of spells at Hogwarts Wizard School (Harry Potter, for those of you living in a cave in recent history), a system whose technology was obviously created at the same time of the projector stands. 

The only part of the process that deserves any approbation at all are the poll workers. Their good humor and willingness to do whatever is necessary to make sure that anyone who shows up to vote gets a chance to do so is the one bright spot in the process. Knowing that they do this for a wage not much better than that of a person working a drive through window at a fast food joint makes their efforts and sacrifices even more meaningful.  

With all of the money that we get asked to invest in everything from failed museums to empty buses, maybe what we really need to be investing in is the trappings and technology of the process itself. If voting is a right and a sacred duty, perhaps we need to begin to treat the performance of that duty as if it were being done in a church and not an outhouse. 

When The Levy Breaks

We are facing votes Tuesday on levies for four different organizations, COSI, The Library, MetroParks, and TARTA. There have been postings on a number of sites (Thurber's Thoughts, Glass City Jungle, Wannabe Mayor, Hooda Thunkit's Therapy Blog, and Major Nitpickers) on each of these requests. I would simply like to make an attempt to summarize here.  

Each of these organizations has laid claim to their "rightful share" of the money that we work hard to earn every day. Each has a noble purpose, and each has an assumption that they deserve this money for the good of the community. None however, have been able to describe an effective business plan for operating in a city of declining population, jobs, and property values. 

COSI admits to a "failed" business plan from the start, which begs the question as to whether they are liars or just simply stupid. From this flawed beginning, having promised us that they would never again ask for money, and with the appearance of no real business plan to move forward; they come cap in hand like Oliver Twist, saying "Please sir, I want some more". My response, "Not today Ollie". You tell me that if you do not get this levy, you will be forced to go ... it was nice knowing you.  

Metroparks is looking for money to take care of the land that they purchased with a different levy. Now that they have the land they don't appear to have the funding to improve it, take care of it, nor to run many of the programs on it. You receive funding from a number of sources in the form of grants and gifts, but apparently that does not meet the needs of your budget. Perhaps money could be raised by selling some of the land or cutting back on some of the programs? But wait - property values are going down and selling real estate in Toledo is a losing proposition, so that won't work. And it appears to be impossible to consider doing 'less as more' for anything run on taxpayer dollars.Perhaps in a time when Toledo is shrinking in so many ways, you should realize that your budget does not need to grow. If you continue to add to our tax burden, there is likely to be plenty of green space (translate as empty land) in Toledo to choose from for future growth. 

The Library is looking for money to maintain their current programs at their current levels, none of which seems to involve books. Those expansions have to do with replacing, improving, and expanding its computer area and Internet access; and of course, adding to their DVD selections. Maybe these are the functions of the library of the future, but they do not need to be taxpayer sponsored. Libraries, by definition, are places of books. If they would like to expand in order to compete with Blockbuster video or an Internet Cafe, I suggest that they look at a mulch-tiered form of library cards, with a fee for DVD rental and Internet access, before asking everyone to finance these 'out of the box' business endeavors.  

TARTA, where do we even begin with you? You appear to run a service that few, if any take advantage of in the metropolitan area. Mayors of outlying cities are already crying over the monopoly you hold, the lack of service you provide, and the dollars that you drain. You have no real idea how many people use your service, and ask us for money to provide more. You must think that our heads are emptier than your buses. The only increase in ridership that you can show is with seniors, and you use that to frighten and intimidate us for money. (In case you hadn't heard, they call that extortion.) Go back and count your riders, give us an honest demographic of them, and present us with an effective plan to serve them before you ask for our generosity. 

It's time at last, for organizations asking for money from levies to be up front and honest with the taxpayers. Combine all of your levies and give us an honest look at the money that you would like from us to fund your endeavors. Face the financial reality of the community that you serve when presenting your requests. Do not attempt to confuse us about what these levies will cost us, whether they are new taxes, or whether they are increases. Present us with facts that justify your requests for money. Show us logical business plans to prove to us that our trust in you, once granted, will not be wasted. For many years, organizations like this have poked a stick in the cage of taxpayers. 

Perhaps it's time that you realize that you have finally made us mad enough to get off of our butts and do something about it. You had better pay attention to the reality of the present before we get to the bars and take a big bite out of you.

 

Ohio - Don't Bet On It

A law was recently raced through the Ohio legislature on an emergency basis, outlawing what were considered gambling machines in which people could win money. (Just for the record, what other kind are there?) For some reason, there seemed to be a great deal of concern that any form of video poker or slot machines were going to undermine the fabric of society in Ohio (you know, the same way that such devices have done in neighboring states Michigan and Indiana). 

Now this is not to say that it is illegal to gamble in Ohio. No, it is in fact perfectly legal to gamble in this state as long as you do it with THE OHIO LOTTERY COMMISSION. Yes that's right, the state is the only bookie that you are allowed to do business with. Not only can you gamble, but I would be willing to bet that right now there are as many versions of Ohio Lottery scratch-off tickets as there are flavors of ice cream at Ben and Jerry's. Tickets cost anywhere from $1 to $20 each, and surprisingly we all seem to exhibit some level of self-control while taking our chances with them at getting rich. 

And let's not forget the big ones, the original Ohio Lottery (currently at $2.6 million) and the Mega Millions game (currently at $75 million). This is where we are all forced to show some further level of self-restraint, while getting to take our chance at reaching for the real gold ring as we travel on the merry-go-round of life. 

Of course we are told that this is different, because all the "profit" from this particular form of gambling is at least supposedly directed at the schools of the state of Ohio. It appears that even an evil like gambling can be excused if we use the magic words "for the children" when speaking about it. Unfortunately, despite the volume of play done on these games of chance, property taxes across the state continue to go up and district budgets continue to be an issue from a lack of funding.

So it appears to be that the State of Ohio is not afraid of our inability to show self-control with regards to gambling, as long as it is going to a good and worthy cause. They are merely worried that they won't control it and get their percentage of the proceeds. In their hurry and zeal to protect their monopoly on something that they deem dangerous to the public on some level however, they came very close to doing away with bowling, dart, and pool leagues in the State of Ohio (though for some reason, they were right on top of the concept of protecting Bingo). 

Now I have trouble wrapping my head around how a dart or bowling league could represent a serious challenge to the morals of the state's residents, though having just seen "The Music Man" on cable, I can see how the evil things that go on in a pool hall could be a threat. Quite frankly the surprising thing to me is that the state of Ohio did not choose to take on the vicious bingo hall lobby. I guess that they found a mob of angry senior citizens with bingo card markers clutched firmly in hand too daunting a prospect to face.

This effort to prevent or limit gambling is not a new one for the state. Special interest groups in Ohio have been waging war for years to prevent casinos from opening on both the rivers and the Lake (Erie), in spite of the fact that other states have operated such pleasure palaces successfully just down the river, or up the chain of lakes from our fair shores for years. Now I have heard that this is all done to protect us from a organized criminal element who might strong-arm us, cheat us, and steal our money; but the only one that I can think that fits that picture currently is (wait for it) ... The State of Ohio.

This isn't really a big deal for me, as I'm not a big gambler. I believe that I work far too hard for the money I earn to throw it at a things that spin, blink, and makes annoying noises at me (that's what I thought children were for). I simply resent the fact that the state can't seem to keep it's nose out of my business, and is constantly seeking to find new ways to intrude itself. 

Government has invaded enough in my life and that of my fellow citizens, and there seems bent on exhibiting a serious Puritanical streak that seeks to remove any source of amusement from the lives of those governed. Smoking first, and now non-state sponsored gaming. How long will we have to wait before government begins to look at the consumption of alcoholic beverages again (because prohibition worked so well the first time), or maybe the mating rituals of its citizens (sex, for those of you who might be a little obtuse)? In what other areas of our lives will our fire and brimstone preaching state decide that it should make decisions on, in order to protect us from ourselves?

Now just to prove that Ohio is not the only state that's aggravating me where this is concerned, I am equally upset with the state of Michigan, who's annoying commercials about returning to a spirit of play by gambling in Native American casinos has long since earned my ire. http://justblowingsmoke.blogspot.com/2007/10/thats-not-right-1.html 

I have already voiced my displeasure on this subject however, and see no need to re-hash information previously supplied for those too lazy to click on the link listed.

In the long run, I have to wonder as to the wisdom of adopting this position on gaming though. As we all know, states compete with each other for businesses, jobs, and residents. It appears however, that in the competition for the revenue that games and gambling can provide a state (and the casinos in Detroit have earned more than $120 million in tax revenue this year already) that the states of Michigan and Ohio have slightly different philosophies. While Michigan says "Go Out and Play", the state of Ohio responds with: "No Playing Allowed".

That's Not Right #2- Santa Gone Wrong

Those of you who haven't paid attention to my picture on the blog page may not have noticed that both my hair and beard have gone from their natural color (which I realize now that I have forgotten) to gray, and thence to white. Having attained the stature (translate as sheer bulk) that I have achieved in my life, it begs the question about the opportunities to play Santa Claus at local stores at this time of the year.  

While my appearance has made such possibilities obvious, I have managed to resist the temptation up to this point. I have been presented with one that may be beyond my capacity to resist in recent days however. It has been suggested that I would make a great Santa Claus at a Victoria's Secret store.  

Now my knowledge of ladies undergarments, lingerie, or perfumes might be severely limited by the fact that I am neither a cross-dresser, nor gay; but the opportunity to have the typical shopper at Victoria's Secret sit on my lap before making their personal selections presents some interesting potential as a way to make extra cash during the Holiday season.  

I'm sorry if this idea offends anyone, but at my age one should never discount any opportunity that involves young, attractive women sitting in your lap for any reason (no matter how small that lap seems to have become). I don't know if the position is open, or even if it exists; but I have to admit that the possibility intrigues me. Being a red-blooded American male (though a rather senior one), I have therefore decided to stop trimming my beard until the facts of the situation can be ascertained. (... for any of you reading this who happen to work for Les Wexner, you can let him know that I am available) I will let you know what I discover.