Saturday, May 14, 2011

The New Threat

I have warned readers of this blog in the past of the diabolic threat of the ADL (Anti-Destination League), a secretive and nefarious organization bent on delaying travelers at every ticket counter, boarding gate, and baggage claim carousel in this country. It has come to the attention of the DJBSS (Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security) however, that this is not only evil alliance attempting to work its perverse will on the general public.

It is therefore with considerable sarcasm, extensive irony, and tongue planted firmly in cheek that I raise the threat level in this country to "plaid". It seems that though once considered eradicated forever, the dreaded Permanent Regiment for Idiotic Guilt has in fact made a decisive reappearance. These agents are not to be confused with your everyday prig however. It is the goal of these PRIGs in fact, to make everyone (including themselves) feel endlessly guilty for not following rules that most have never heard of, don't understand, and would consider downright silly when and if they did.

Originally known as the Paperwork Enlargement & Enforcement Patrol, these parasites once limited their activities to the creation of endless forms that everyone had to fill out, but no one ever read. This malicious band of malcontents was forced to change its name and ambition however, when their ultimate goal was achieved far in advance of their carefully written, annoyingly ponderous, and massively detailed plans.

Quite frankly, they were considering the name change anyway, since no one could take seriously a group whose members called themselves PEEP's. Their former ID badges (edible in the case of capture) were and still are considered delicious however; and for some strange reason, make an annual appearance every Easter.

Make no mistake that these are simple prudes however, these PRIGs are a dangerous bunch with a puritanical strip a mile wide. They are well-recognized experts in the arts of creating distress in those caught unaware in a web inconsistently interpreted behavioral legalize or misapplied elucidations of antiquated custom. Many's the poor innocent who thought themselves snared by a simple misunderstanding of manners, only to unexpectedly find themselves embarrassed, shamed, and publicly humiliated by an agent of PRIG for doing something that they not only didn't realize was wrong, but hadn't even realized that they'd done.

Cough in your hand instead of the inside of your elbow, and you'll find them at the ready with an expectorated disparagement. Wipe your nose with a handkerchief instead of a disposable tissue and they'll be at the ready with a audible sniff or two of their own. Improperly recycle an aluminum can, plastic bottle, or newspaper and you'll find your self-esteem similarly and improperly disposed of. If by some mischance you should make the fatal error of being caught smoking in any place (public or private), be prepared for their full frontal wrath, and a diatribe the likes of which few have survived. (See, they were right, smoking can be hazardous to your health.)

While there is no escape from these psychotic sycophants of pointless propriety once they get you in their evil clutches, they can in fact be avoided. The key to such subtle subterfuge is early recognition of your enemy. A PRIG can be easily distinguished from those around him by
an unmistakable pinch-faced expression, the stink of false modesty, and a determined and relentless stride. If you see someone who looks like they're sucking on a sour grape, smells like a ripe diaper pail, and walks at a pace only used by someone approaching a cop at a parking meter just as time on it is expiring .... turn at a right angle to their path and make your way quickly and quietly to the nearest exit (windows can and should be included in this category when on the second floor or lower).

PRIGs are not to be taken on lightly and can be challenged directly only at the greatest personal peril. Do not therefore, attempt to confront such a person in single combat; as they are armed with an over-abundance of self-righteousness and armored against retaliation by oblivious conformity. While accepting the challenge of battle (even knowing you will lose) might seem on its face a courageous act; such selfless sacrifice will ultimately prove pointless. It will protect neither your reputation nor that of your companions. Discretion calls for even the heartiest soul to seek salvation in diplomatic cowardice in such cases, while living to fight another day. PRIGs can in fact only hope to be defeated when the odds are greatly in your favor (2:1 is good, but I personally prefer at least 4:1).

While isolated reports of PRIG encounters are occurring already, there is no telling when this will ramp up into a full-fledged pogrom. Any incidents or even encounters with PRIGs can be and should be reported immediately to the DJBSS hotline at: 1-800-RATBUTT (which is the PC way to tell you sorry, "tell someone who give's a rat's ass").

Remember, you have now been formally warned. Keep safe ... and Good Luck!

1 comment:

Roland Hansen said...

EGAD. (Extremely Good Articulatory Diatribe)