Yet Another Threat (yeah, yeah ....)

Phones at 1-800-RATBUTT were ringing off the wall at the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security last week! OK, maybe not ringing off the walls, but they were REALLY BUSY! Well OK, not really busy, but they were busy. Alright, alright, there were two phone calls the entire week. One was the wrong number and the other person must have had asthma, since all I could hear on the other end of the line was labored breathing. (Hey, wait a minute ...)

With such encouragement, how could I do less than once more delve into the realm of secret and nefarious organizations attempting to assume some level of evil influence in this country. One might even go so far as to say that with the recently formed DJBSS at my disposal, I could now be considered the Geraldo Rivera or John Stossel of such investigations. (Of course, such consideration can be made with the clear understanding that the only similarity between the three of us is that we all have a mustache.)

In this week's startling report, we shine the light of absurdity (the light of truth had already been checked out by Rush Limbaugh and he still hasn't brought the damn thing back) on a cadre of electronic miscreants who have plagued the World Wide Web almost since its inception, otherwise known as the Terrible Responses in Otherwise Legitimate Locations group.

The goal of these TROLLs course, is to disrupt the free flow of ideas on the Internet through the posting of comments that are at a minimum shamefully spelled, at best poorly written, and which usually seem to have nothing to do with the subject at hand.

Their offerings in fact, may be the first form of Internet porn; being often obscene, generally disgusting, and with no redeeming social value. In offering these perverse attacks however, TROLLs often manage to distract the discussion from a legitimately debated topic. Falling into the verbal trap set by these minions of mindless pap, subsequent responders misguidedly attempt to either refute the information provided or lose track of the argument at hand by seeking to berate an agent of disinformation that has long since moved on to another target.

Interestingly enough, this aggregation of electronic evildoers has managed to take their appellation mainstream by way of cover, with the term troll becoming the generic brand for them and their odious offerings; and engendering no more curiosity than does the term JELLO. (Oh the stories I could tell you about JELLO. But perhaps another time ...) Not unlike many malefactors before them, their current nome de guerre was not in fact their first selection. Originally known as the Intermittent Disruption of Internet Operational Transmissions group, they were perhaps more aptly named; but members quickly grew tired of calling themselves IDIOTs and moved to change it.

Regardless of the alias they travel under however, these villains have managed to grow their membership at a rate even greater than the growth of Internet use itself. With recruitment proving a success amongst all major religions and across the political spectrum, TROLLs have become so numerous that they are now often reduced to taking on each other in the comment sections of blogs and newspaper web sites in a form of perverse self-gratification.

TROLLs can usually be distinguished from their fellows on the information superhighway by their bastardization of the English language, their atrocious grammar, and by the serious misuse of the 'Caps Lock' key. They can also frequently be identified by hideous attempts at anonymity through what they consider to be clever screen names, or their even more clever efforts to hide through the use of the screen name 'Anonymous'.

There is no true defense against TROLLs, though those with private blog sites can choose to 'Moderate' their misdeeds out of electronic existence. For the more public sites, while the practice of moderation might seem the more prudent course of action, they in fact secretly enjoy TROLLs efforts. Such distractions often encourage people to return to a site frequently in order to vent their displeasure, driving up hit rates and as a consequence, Internet ad revenues.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES call the DJBSS with reports on TROLLs at 1-800-RATBUTT (OK, go ahead. It's not like we get many calls anyway. But don't expect me to actually answer.) The truth of it is that I don't want to know because I long ago stopped giving a 'rat's ass' about the maunderings of these illiterate and irredeemable electronic lowlifes. Putting up with a TROLL is never pleasant, but is simply part of the price that we pay for being a free society and enjoying the free exchange of information.,

As a consequence of the level of threat engendered on a ongoing basis by TROLLs however, the DBJSS terror threat is being raised to the obvious color of YELLOW.

Be advised ...