The "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary #31

Recognizing that there are now over thirty entries in the 'SOS Dictionary'. I would like to once again thank Maggie Thurber of "Thurber's Thoughts" for the inspiration to begin this effort over three years ago. Working on these particular posts allows me to walk the tightrope between meaningful perspective and humor, with generous doses of irony and sarcasm thrown in for seasoning.


Ongoing discussions continue between representatives of the legislature and the White House over increasing the Debt Ceiling of this country have mandated that those of us here at the SOS Dictionary continue our emergency sessions. While the effort is proving rather exhausting to our lexicographers, the fact that 'Just Blowing Smoke' is a non-union workplace in a 'Right-to-Work State' means that we can pretty much do whatever we want to the staff with complete impunity.

Now for those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this area (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the title of dictionary, SOS, or Stuck on Stupid), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appear to mean something entirely different to those us who have come to understand the often peculiar political vernacular of Toledo and Northwest Ohio. 


Billion:
 1. A number with 9 zeroes after it ( x,000,000,000). 2. A number which was once unimaginable to contemplate, except as a function of higher mathematics; but which is now considered little more than 'chump change' when speaking about government spending or debt. 3. A number once made famous by Carl Sagan for counting stars "billions and billions". Fortunately Carl passed into the great beyond before the numbers of stars were all but supplanted by those in the national debt. 4. A number which we now toss around in discussions of the federal budget with little or no regard for its value (relative or otherwise) and even less concern. (see Trillion) 


Government Debt:
 1. The money that the federal government borrows in the form of bonds or other promissory notes. 2. The money that the federal government borrows these days to, for the most part, pay off the money that it previously borrowed. 3. A snowball rolling downhill that threatens to take all of us out in the ensuing avalanche. 


Government Debt Ceiling:
 1. The limit of the debt that the government is allowed to incur by law. 
2. The limit of debt that the government is allowed to incur until it threatens Congress with dire consequences and is allowed to borrow even more. 
3. An amount of money which in fact appears to have no real or finite limit, only the ability to feed and grow like the creature in the movie "The Blob" (the original with Steve McQueen, not the silly remake.) 


Government Default:
1. A term used to define the inability or refusal of a government to meet a financial obligation previously incurred. 
2. A term used to motivate media pundits, terrify voters, and aggravate legislators into allowing a government that already owes too much money into borrowing more. 
3. A mostly meaningless term where this country is concerned with absolutely no basis in fact, which is of little use except to frighten those with no clear grasp reality (the aforementioned media pundits, voters, and legislators). 


Trillion:
1. A number with 12 zeroes after it ( x,000,000,000,000). 
2. A number which was once unimaginable to contemplate, except as a function of higher mathematics; but which we now toss around in discussions of the federal budget with little more than a yawn and a wave of the hand when speaking about government spending or debt. (see Billion)


SNAFU and; FUBAR:
1. Terms which the staff at the SOS Dictionary (in a rare exhibition of good taste) were willing to list, but seem adamantly disinclined to define further. 
2. The only terms that the staff seem to agree upon as adequately describing the current state of the Debt Ceiling, the plans being discussed to resolve it, and the likelihood that they will actually do so In order to provide perspective relating to the terminology of the Debt Ceiling, I reference the following chart from the Office of Management and Budget, as provided by Heritage. org

The "Stuck On Stupid" Dictionary #30

Here at the SOS Dictionary, we labor ceaselessly to keep up with new 'Stuck on Stupid' terminology. With only minimal sustenance and even less sleep (and fueled by whiskey of no less than 12 years of aging), SOS lexicographers thanklessly continue their efforts to reduce the level of obfuscation perpetrated on an unsuspecting public by both government and the mainstream media. 


Ongoing discussions continuing over increasing the Debt Ceiling of this country have made these efforts both more difficult and more critical to serious debate in this country. Those at the SOS Dictionary have therefore been called into emergency session in order to reduce the level of fog obscuring the issues. (Fog is a lot like smoke after all, and we here at Just Blowing Smoke take encroachment on our turf seriously.) 


Now for those of you who have somehow managed to miss previous postings in this area (shame on you, now go back and read all of the postings under the title of dictionary, SOS, or Stuck on Stupid), the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appear to mean something entirely different to those us who have come to understand the often peculiar political vernacular of Toledo and Northwest Ohio. 


Closing Tax Loopholes:
1. Equalizing the burden of taxation, regardless of the income, relative influence, or political persuasion of those involved. 
2. Taking away special interest takes breaks with your current proposal that you gave in your previous ones. 3. One of the processes by which government attempts to pick the winners and losers in this country.


Entitlement Programs:
1. Government programs originally designed to help those most in need on a temporary basis. 
2. Government programs that did not even exist in the country for the first 150 years, but which now make up a significant part of the annual government budget. 
3. Government programs that tell some people that they are 'entitled' to money that they have neither contributed nor earned because the government says so. 
4. Code language for wealth redistribution under what is little more than a national 'Ponzi Scheme', a practice which is illegal under Federal Law. 


Fair Share:
1. An equal amount, determined by dispassionate consideration, as defined by philosopher John Rawl's 'Veil of Ignorance' where: "no one knows his place in society, his class position or social status; nor does he know his fortune in the distribution of natural assets and abilities, his intelligence and strength, and the like ..."
2. Telling those paying the most to the government in the way of taxes that they must give even more in order that those giving nothing at all may take more. 
3. Code language for wealth redistribution. (See Revenue Enhancement) 


Revenue Enhancement:
1. Something designed to add income sources to those already used to the fund government's operation or increase the monies generated by such existing sources to the same ends. 
2. Raising taxes! (See Fair Share) 


Spending Cuts:
1. To decrease the amount of money spent on something. 
2. A reduction or elimination in the amount of spending increase (usually mandated by some arcane formula) spent by the government for a program that it runs. 
3. Something which will only be proposed by the political left under extreme conditions, usually to be redacted before actually taking effect. 
4. Something which will be compromised by the political right at the first sign of resistance, with much of the remainder to be redacted before actually taking effect. 
5. A practice that will be portrayed by its opponents in politics and the media as leading to hardship, death, destruction, and the end of democracy as we know it. (See Draconian)

(As it appears that the level of purposeful misinformation out there on this subject is taking on staggering proportions, this effort will take more than one update.)

July Terror Alert

Phones have been relatively quiet at the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security in recent weeks, as the tin-foil hat terrorists that it normally deals with were apparently taking a brief summer hiatus. There have been a number of calls since the 4th of July Holiday however at 1-800-RAT-BUTT (code for 'tell somebody who gives a rat's ass') outlining a potential returning threat.

It seems that yet another insidious organization has resurfaced, and may pose a credible threat to many of you out there. For those of you who have not yet been assaulted by these corrupt communication con artists, the group that I am speaking about is of course the Society of Harassing Imitation Telemarketers.

These SHITs are not only telephonically assaulting hapless innocents in the privacy of their own homes (usually at the dinner hour) through phone calls attempting to sell them something that they don't want or need; but it turns out that many of the items that they are offering during these annoying interruptions of domestic tranquility in fact DO NOT EXIST.

Calls from these SHITs may be recognized by the following insider secret code phrases:

• How are you this morning (afternoon, evening, today, etc...)?
  
• Can I have just a few minutes of your time?
• Have you heard about ...
• Are you aware ...
  
• (the robotic voice call preface) This call may be recorded ...
• (or the infamous) I'm not trying to tell you something ...

Don't panic!!! (A statement once made famous as the word's on the cover of classic reference tome, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".) In fact your only defense to these nefarious attacks is aggressive resistance.

Instead of trying to play defense with them (a tactic with which they are all too familiar) you must instead meet these villains head on. Do not be deterred by their apparent single-minded devotion to duty, their well-rehearsed scripts, and their carefully congenial tones. Regardless of how innocent these dastardly dialers may appear to you, their calls are in fact more menacing than an innocent query about how your taxes were prepared by an agent of the IRS.

You must be prepared with a suitable fake name, a fictitious credit card number, and a shipping address in another country. If for some reason, you are still caught unawares by these demons of the dial tone, follow one of these alternate strategies (which can likewise be used on actual Telemarketers):

• Mention to them that you too are recording this call and ask them for identification for auditing purposes.
• Tell them you have an emergency call coming in and would they mind being placed on hold for just a moment (then walk away from the phone).
• Tell them to hold on a minute so that you can call your spouse to the phone so that they too can listen to this exciting offer (and again just walk away from the phone).
• Ask them if they'd like the phone numbers of some of your friends so that they will not miss out on such an exceptional opportunity.
• Tell them that you're sorry but you just made a purchase of the same thing from one of their brethren five minutes ago.
• Explain to them that you'd love to buy something, but the hospital attendants took away your credit cards weeks ago.
  
• Offer to buy their entire inventory if they can arrange for overnight shipment by carrier pigeon.
• Make an immediate purchase, and put it on the aforementioned fictitious credit card. When that number doesn't go through offer another imaginary number. Continue the process until they finally surrender to your superior tactical abilities.

Since there is in fact no escape from these conversational criminals, you might as well use this part of your life that you will never get back to enjoy yourself a little bit at their expense. Who knows, you might even make a new Facebook Friend.

Under no circumstances however, should you report such calls to the DJBSS; as your call will likely be treated as that of a telemarketer and hung up on.

As a consequence of the threat posed by these SHITs, the terror threat (as calculated by the DJBSS) is being raised to BROWN.


( For those of you keeping count, this effort marks yet another milestone for "Just Blowing Smoke", with the achievement of its 750th posting. Of course, if such nonsense as this is to be the measure we use to judge, one might come to believe that quantity and not quality was the goal in the first place.)

TFP Column: Feeling Uncharitable

Congress, in its apparently never-ending quest to increase the debt limit on the national charge account, is considering closing some loopholes in the tax code. (Of course they ought to consider scrapping the tax code and closing the IRS instead, but that's an effort for another day.) 


Among the many suggestions not being taken off the table, is one that will end the tax deduction for charitable contributions. Apparently, like mail delivery, the government would like a monopoly at providing philanthropy. 


At a time when so many can use a hand up (not a handout), it's likely that if such a policy is passed, it will (as the title of my most recent TFP effort states) leave some "Feeling Uncharitable". 


But hey, final negotiations are not complete in Congress and there's plenty of time for them to come up with an equally egregious and nonsensical solution to the problem of spending too much of the taxpayer's money. There's also plenty of time for all of you to catch up on what's going on in Toledo and NW Ohio by reading Toledo's largest circulation and Ohio's Best Weekly newspaper, the Toledo Free Press.

Not A Team Player In A Two-Party System

We are often told that the problem with government is the level of political discourse between the left and the right. We are similarly told that if only conservatives would compromise with liberals (or vice versa), the nation's problems could be solved. It seems however, that the problem with the debate is that it's not so much between the left and right as it is between the Democrats and Republicans. Even as politicians attempt to define themselves by issues in order to appeal to certain parts of the political base, what they're doing in actuality is establishing their credentials as members of their political parties. 


Politicians have in fact become little more than players on political 'teams', competing on a national electoral playing field. My friend Roland Hansen has written about the fact that Independent politicians are a joke that can achieve little if anything once elected, due to a lack of party affiliation. While I agree with him about what can be accomplished, but my anger is not directed at these potentially viable candidates, but at the rules of the game that have put them on a dead branch of political evolution. 


It's not that Independent Candidates could not be good elected officials, do not come up with good ideas, or that their thinking is incorrect; instead it's that since they do not wear the uniform of either team, their efforts are doomed; since there's little hope that they will be allowed to score. As use of the sports analogy points to, keeping score is in fact what politics has become all about. Neither of the major teams plays for the benefit of the fans or the good of the game any longer (if they ever did). Instead their efforts are expended on behalf of their team owners, investors, and fellow players; often at the expense of the rules of the game and the expectation of the fans. Good legislation will go down to defeat and bad legislation will be passed all so one team or another can put another win on the scoreboard. When those in the stands cry 'foul', they are told by contestants and analysts that they simply don't understand the situation (or more accurately, the rules of the game). 


Few view the success of elections in terms of ideology any longer (which quite often is much the same in these parties), as much as they do in terms of the number of players they can put on the field. Few politicians will even attempt to reach an accord on a legitimate issue that needs to be a addressed, or reach across 'party lines' for support when there's a chance to use the issue in the next election cycle. Cowardly competitors from both sides refuse to stand alone for fear of angering the team that they play on or losing their team's support to keep a job that their timid actions show them not to be doing. 


Instead, we are treated to elected officials carefully polling the fan base and season ticket holders (special interest groups) to determine how to increase the sound of the cheering for their side while actually doing nothing. Even if they disagree with their team management over which plays should be called, they swallow any remnants of independent thought to maintain loyalty to 'the franchise' rather than those who sent them to Washington in the first place. We can in fact blame this madness on our Founding Fathers. 


It was begun by Alexander Hamilton's creation of the Federalist Party in the late 1700's to support his desire for a stronger central government than many saw in the Constitution, and a fiscal policy which included a powerful national bank. James Madison, and later Thomas Jefferson, responded to this move with the formation of the Democratic-Republican Party (a name which has nothing to do with either of its namesakes); and the game was on. Oh, there have been name changes over the years, as the effects of Political Plate Tectonics continue both the erosion of ideology and the formation of new teams who would like to play in the big leagues; but for the most part in the history of this nation, we have seen only two players. Lately however, these two gladiatorial squads seem intent on making this a 'Thunderdome' event, where two enter and only one leaves. 


The pronouncements about the 'will of the people', 'the good of the nation', and 'serving the electorate' ring especially hollow among the cheers of 'we are the champions', 'go team go', and 'take no prisoners'. What's even worse is that through tradition, we've now institutionalized the entire hierarchy of the contest. This team concept has become such an ingrained part of the political culture that we think nothing of paying for their internal candidate selection processes (primaries); as if there is some intrinsic value in paying public dollars so that these private clubs can pick their representatives. And should some libertarian, independent, or other '3rd party' candidate attempt to enter the ring of this exclusive contest; they will quickly find themselves without access the trough of taxpayer funding granted by tainted tradition to the elephant and the jackass. I'm afraid however, that they've lost at least one fan. I can find nothing of value in what has become a savage and pointless game where no matter what the score is, the ultimate loser is the voters.

4th of July - 2011

It's the eve of the Fourth of July, but I find myself in anything but a mood to celebrate as I write this. For it seems that even this holiday has become a caricature of celebration. Few enjoying their 3-day weekend know or remember that we celebrate this day as 'The National Holiday' because it's the anniversary of the publishing of the Declaration of Independence.  

(Not, as some would like to believe the signing. My own historical research concludes that fewer than 34 of the 56 who would eventually sign the document did so on July 4th, or even in July.) 

So while I look forward to rousing Sousa marches played live with flawless precision (or previously recorded and carefully broadcast) so as to be in perfect synchronization with lavish pyrotechnic displays; this enthusiasm is tempered by the disgust that I feel over the 'Independence Day' sales going on everywhere from the local mattress store to J C Penney. While stirred by the postings of fellow bloggers expressing patriotic sentiments in exemplary prose, it's tempered by the self-serving efforts in the Mainstream Media that are designed as much to promote some celebrities latest album, book, or movie as to inspire national fervor; forcing me to change the channel in order to keep down my latest meal. 

As for the government that was took its first steps with the writing of this document, I believe that the signers would have trouble recognizing it. Perhaps only those who sought to relieve themselves from the oppressive burden of government could truly understand what a sad mess we've made of their efforts 235 years ago. Confiscation of property (whether through taxation or eminent domain), selective enforcement of laws legitimately passed by the legislature, and a ruling elite who believe that they are better than those they were intended to serve; these were the things that they sought to escape ... not perpetrate. 

As for where that government finds itself financially, if the wisest of them were able to come to grips with the concept of a trillion dollars, I dare say that the idea of whether the government ought to have a limit of $14 or $16 trillion in debt would be beyond their comprehension. Incredulity as well, would be their reaction to the concept that the United States is obligated to the world's policeman and peacekeeper when no one else in the world seems to be willing or able to pay little more than lip service to such concepts. They would find the questionable legality of such a concept is as ludicrous as it is laughable. 

And lest my lack of enthusiasm for many of the recent US adventures around the world be confused with a lack of patriotism, I think that those who placed themselves in personal jeopardy would understand that my support for troops serving around the world cannot be judged by a demand that I buy into the current brand of nation-building in places far removed from these United States.

For I have come to the conclusion on this most important of National Holidays that I am every bit the Patriot, though I may not be so in a way not traditionally defined as such. "My country right or wrong!" ... Yes and no. Yes, this is my country and I am proud of it. Not right or wrong however. The Founders knew well that it's the right and obligation of true Patriots not to accept the actions of government that they consider incorrect or unjust merely because they are 'national policy'. They should be standing firmly against such oppressive incursions whenever they occur. 

It's likewise time to recognize that partisan debate is not only good, but Patriotic. This country was founded on the idea that other points of view might have value and should be vigorously debated, and defended by those who hold them. Compromise is not a good in itself, nor is it Patriotic. Where such compromise is reached it, its judgment must be able to stand on its own. Conceding ground, political or otherwise, is not something intrinsically of value. Agreeing to disagree and setting an issue aside for a time must return to the political discourse as a viable option. 

Neither is it Patriotic that fairness be striven for as a goal, except in opportunity. It is far too difficult a concept to grasp, and like beauty, resides in the eye of the beholder. As for government-mandated fairness; it's time that we recognized that such a term is an oxymoron. The heavy hand of government is far too blunt an instrument to perform such a task, unless the goal that we're seeking is an equilibrium that's unfair to all. 

Let me finally say that the Cynic in me likewise sees no value in flag-waving and crocodile tears over the National Anthem for some of the once-a-year Patriots that come out on the 4th. Don't belittle those who won't wear a Red, White, and Blue T-shirt with message that you approve of in observance. Don't insist they wave a flag where and when you want them to in order to show a belief in the United States of America. Don't challenge them to put something on their Facebook page or attend an event of your choosing in order to prove their patriotism to you. Such politically correct patriotism is an offense to the term. 

The Patriotism of the 4th of July is ultimately about taking a principled stand, even if it disagrees with those around you.

Take your own stand, and have a great 4th of July!

Re-Declaration of Independence

I found this in the 'Just Blowing Smoke' archives while digging around for something else, and decided to shine it up a bit for re-publishing on a day that usually tries to find me keeping it in a bit of a lighter mood. I hope you enjoy it ...

About Congress July 4, 2011 The Re-Declaration of Independence of the 50 Oppressed, but still United States of America

When in the course of government-controlled events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which connected them to what can no longer be considered a viable form of government, and to decry among the powers of the earth an intellectual position which has nothing to do with either The Laws of Nature or to Nature's God to which they are entitled, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes that have separated them from such Tyranny and reconnected them with their own good Common Sense. 

We hold these truths to be evident to all apparently but a few misguided members of the Mainstream Media; that all men are created equal, some of course being more equal than others. That while they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, they are now encouraged by Government and the Mainstream Media to show the lack of courage and good sense which thereby allows them to relinquish those same rights: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness; while simultaneously embracing the ridiculous concepts of the right to a good paying job, full medical care, a home that they can't make the payments on, a smoke-free environment, and full amnesty and free education for illegal immigrants. That to secure such relinquishment, Governments are corruptly expanded in spite of Men, deriving their increasingly overbearing powers from the belief that elected officials and non-elected bureaucrats are far smarter than they. That whenever any form of Government becomes aggressive in securing such twisted ends, it is the further Right of the People to be ignored by such Government, and for that Government to create new laws, rules, regulations, and taxes to exert further control over a population that has become little more than a flock of bleating sheep; laying its foundation on previously committed abuses of power, and altering such rules or forms as may be deemed necessary to most likely protect their petty Government positions, authority, and lavish salaries and benefits. Prudence indeed will dictate that Governments, changing the rules as they go along, shall not be changed back, nor be challenged in such pursuits for light, transient, or any other causes for that matter. Accordingly, all experience has shown that once such Government has been instituted, that mankind becomes more disposed to suffer the most insufferable of evils rather than to right a ship of state that has listed so far from its original purpose that the deck may no longer be stood upon. But when a long train of abuse and usurpations pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under all but absolute Despotism, it should be their right and their duty to throw off such Government, excepting that such would require far too many of what has become little more than sheeple to remove their morbidly obese, overstuffed faces from the Government trough. Such is now the patient suffering of the people of these States and is now the necessity which constrains them, as the Federal government seeks to alter the last bit of freedom and liberty left in this nation in order to fully embrace the concept that the lack of need for honest labor, for self-reliance, and for personal responsibility are essential to their continued happiness. 

To prove this, let the Facts of our Government be submitted to a candid world. It has confiscated the legitimately earned money of some to in turn give it to others; outside the rule of law, the concept of a legally binding contracts, and the definition of property rights as understood in law for many centuries. 

It has favored Union workers over legitimate investors when dividing up private corporations that it had no right to divide in any way, let alone as it sees fit. It has fired the chief executives of private companies with neither the vote nor approval of that company's Board of Directors. It has forced private companies to accept government funding, and with it government control. 

It has forced both sale and merger on private companies at the point of a financial gun and the threat of a full-throated, government backed, negative media campaign. It has appointed the equivalent of government royalty (more commonly known as Czars) without either lawful election or legislative branch confirmation required of it under the document which defines it. 

It has sought to make equal not the opportunity of all, but the results of all through wealth distribution in the form of ill-disguised, onerous, and oppressive taxation. 

In every stage of these Oppressions, we citizens have sat idly by for the most part, ignorant by choice to the assault on liberty and freedom, and numb to the abuses of power committed upon us. Those few who have humbly begged for a return to Common Sense and a Redress of such past ills as have been committed have been universally maligned and unmercifully vilified for their efforts by both those in power and by the members of the so-called fourth estate. 

We the few remaining therefore, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for rectitude of our intentions, do in the Name, and by the Authority granted us under the original Declaration of Independence, and by the Constitution on which our Government was designed (and limited), solemnly publish and declare ourselves in opposition to the destruction of freedoms and liberties being perpetrated on us at an ever increasing pace in this country. 

We further declare that we will Peacefully resist further oppression of its people and perversion of its laws to the best of our abilities, and if need be to our final breath. We undertake this endeavor humbly, but firm in our resolve, firm in the belief of our principles, and firm with the knowledge of the rightness of our cause as God has given us the light to see it.