Three Wise Men

There will apparently be three new wise men (or women in at least one case) heading to a seat of power this Holiday season. These will not be coming from the East to pay homage at the birth of the Messiah however (no matter how often that little chestnut has been roasted during this election season). Rather they will be making a journey to a different kind of seat of power in Washington DC. You see, there are three Senate seats to fill because of the election of 2008:

Senator from New York - since Hilary Clinton has been appointed to the position of Secretary of State

Senator from Delaware - since Joe Biden will be taking the position of vice-president of the United States

and Senator from Illinois - since Barack Obama has been elected President of the United States

Senator Clinton's seat appears to be now coveted by Caroline Kennedy, daughter of former President John F Kennedy and niece to Sen. Ted Kennedy of MA and of Sen. Robert Kennedy who previously held the seat. While Ms. Kennedy has not served in government prior to this, she is a lawyer and has worked behind the scenes in a number of charitable organizations over the years. Besides, with the Kennedy name behind her, there is a great deal of sentiment out there saying that it is an inherited title. It will be difficult for the the NY governor to appoint anyone else if she is truly interested in this position.

Senator Biden's seat looks to be going to Edward Kaufman, his long time chief of staff. Kaufman, aged 69, appears not to be seeking the position in order to be able to run for it again in 2010 from the position incumbent (something rather unusual in itself). Instead, he appears to want to be a placeholder for Beau Biden, the current Senator's son, who would like to run for the office but is currently fulfilling an obligation with the National Guard unit currently deployed in Iraq.

Senator (and now president elect) Barack Obama's seat appears to be for sale, or at least it was until Governor Rod Blagojevich got caught trying to put it up for bid (perhaps he would have done better just putting it up on Ebay). As a consequence of the governors recent arrest on Federal charges, it may in fact be a while before a candidate able to escape the taint of the process emerges for this seat.

I point to these three positions to once again shine a little light on the election of hope and change in 2008. 

Even those of us who didn't vote for the president-elect couldn't help but wish that some part of the promise of hope and change that were the message of Barack Obama would actually be fulfilled. Unfortunately, it appears that government will be business as usual, at least as it applies to filling these positions. Once again, we are treated to the backroom shenanigans of the power brokers in politics, and a healthy does of nepotism, elitism, and cronyism.

Caroline Kennedy may be a good person, but has no prior experience in government before taking one of the highest elected positions in the land. She is only receiving consideration because of the name recognition. Mr. Kaufman gets the nod as a payback for prior service and because apparently he has agreed to step out of the way when Joe Biden's son is ready to run for his father's current office. As for the Illinois situation, it speaks volumes about the politics as usual that know are prevalent on the national level and how they are taken to their most egregious level in the Chicago version.

I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same ...

My Christmas List

Well it's a week before Christmas Eve, and I'll be damned if the Holiday didn't just sneak up on me once again. I know that I am supposed to be prepared for it, being a white bearded guy with an expansive waistline, but I have been spending a lot of time in the south instead of my normal haunts in the north lately and the help up there just isn't what it used to be (elves just don't seem to have the work ethic that they used to ... but at least they haven't organized yet). As a consequence, with just a few days left before the 24th, I am going over some of the names on "The List" a final time (twice just didn't seem to be enough this year) before making the required deliveries. 

There are so many names and gifts however and so little time that I thought I might enlist some help with some of them. So here's a few of my undecideds, perhaps I can get a little affirmation that what I'm doing is the right thing for these particular boys and girls:

• President-elect Obama - Some new friends to hang out with whose reputations won't have a negative impact on his.
• John McCain - A spine and a pair of brass ones. He appears to have lost his somewhere between getting the Republican nomination for president and today.
• Joe Biden - Nope sorry, he already got it. Being vice-president is exactly what he deserves.
• Sarah Palin - A gallon of industrial strength target remover. She seems to have run out.
• Governor Rod Blagojevich - A haircut and a double dose of humility. He seems desperately in need of both.
• Hilary Clinton - A leash
• Bill Clinton - A collar
• George Bush - A sunset to ride off into.
• Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson - A case of Nytol. The only time he doesn't seem to be giving our money away is when he is sleeping, so more is better.
• The Big 3 Automakers - A no-fault Nevada divorce from the UAW, with no alimony due.
• The Congress of the United States of America - A full-sized copy of the Constitution for each of them, they seem to have forgotten what was written there.
• The Newspaper Industry - An Irish wake. If we are to go down in flames, let it be with a bang and not a whimper.
• Mayor Carlton S. Finkbeiner - Three cases of coffee cups. My understanding is that he likes to throw them when he gets mad and somehow I think he's going to need a few extra going into 2009.
• Lucas County Commissioner Ben Konop - A copy of the Ohio Revised Code and a book on quilting. Perhaps if he takes up a hobby, he will stop looking for ways to spend the money I pay in taxes on projects that state law makes no provision for.
• The citizens of Toledo - 25,000 valid signatures on Take Back Toledo recall petitions for Mayor Finkbeiner. No explanation required.

Now I am sure that there are already some out there saying that some on this list might deserve only a rock of coal this year. While this is potentially correct, I am trying to be a greener gift-giver this year and reduce the carbon footprint of my gifts, so anything relating to fossil fuels was out. If however, anyone has alternate suggestions, they should feel free to help me out ... and remember, time is running short.

On The Other Foot

For those of you who somehow missed it, Iraqi TV journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi through his shoes at President Bush during a press conference held as part of a surprise visit to that city. A surprisingly nimble Bush dodged the shoe, sustaining no injury, and got on with the event. The reporter, not surprisingly, was detained by the Iraqi authorities.

The point of mentioning this is not that the Secret Service detail did not exactly perform its assigned duties in the most stellar fashion. (Oh that had to be a fun employee evaluation for a couple of people afterward.) It is also not a political comment on the President's standing in the Arab community in general, and Iraq in particular (though some would like to make it so). The point of mentioning this story is to point out the complete loss of objectivity in the press these days.

Not content to slant stories to a particular point of view while supposedly telling them objectively, no longer willing to simply tell the stories that illustrate a particular point of view, no longer happy to advance their own agendas rather than report the facts; reporters now feel the need to become the story, using action instead of argument to make their point. You might legitimately call this an isolated incident (so far) and believe this is not something generally expected from the press, but Abdel-Bari Atwan, editor of the London-based newspaper A-Quds Al-Arabi rather than condemn the act, wrote that it was "a proper goodbye for a war criminal". Other members of the press in a show of support are calling for his immediate release.

If the mainstream media would like to know why their audience is deserting them, if they would like to know why they are held in increasing lower respect, if they would like to know why everything that they put forth is now questioned they have only to look at this incident. The line between journalism and editorializing has been further blurred. The truth of the matter is that line may have faded away completely, erased by those who were its guardians. But for today the story is not the press conference but the press itself, and the shoe is on the other foot (or at least it was until he threw it).

 

The "Stuck On Stupid" Toledo Dictionary #14

Once again, we turn our attention to the curious tome known as the Stuck on Stupid Dictionary of Toledo. This growing piece of ... reference material (almost got you, didn't I) contains words nominally part of the English language, but which have special meaning in Toledo, Ohio.



Suburban:

1. The residential area outside of a city or large town.  
2. A pejorative expression that the mayor uses to describe a resident of such a residential area disagreeing with him or taking opposing view. 
3. A person of apparently no standing, intelligence, or class who likewise has no reason to be poking their nose into the affairs of the city of Toledo whether they do business in or pay taxes to that municipality or not. 

 

Weekend Retreat

I was forced to halt my travels for the week after visiting a newspaper and a friend in Panama City, FL. As you can see from the picture, there are worse places to have to hang out for a couple of nights.


Before jealousy overcomes you however, and you begin to cast aspersions upon my name and what little reputation that I have left, remember that it is not summer here either. The high was only in the upper 50's today, and if I decide to walk the beach (and trust me, I will), I will probably be doing it with a jacket on. 

Besides, after driving over 2000 miles since last Sunday (and having managed to negotiate a pretty damn good room rate here), I figure that I am due a day on the beach to recharge the batteries.

TFP Column

After missing a week, I have once more had a column accepted by editor in chief Michael Miller at the Toledo Free Press (Please pause for the playing of "Hail to the Chief"). This week's effort is my own poor commentary on one of the most exciting things to hit Toledo since ... well, since the Toledo Free Press entered the scene. That of course being the "='Take Back Toledo' effort that was announced in last week's edition. I won't spoil the surprise for those of you who haven't been exposed to this effort, but I hope that you enjoy my particular take on it.

While visiting the TFP website, I encourage you, as always, to take the time to catch up on all of the news that is fit to print in Toledo and Northwest Ohio, as well as some of the first class editorial work that the TFP is becoming known for (no thanks to me).

 

The "Stuck On Stupid" Toledo Dictionary #13

Maggie Thurber, of the famous "Thurber's Thoughts", has presented your humble lexicographer (look it up yourself, I had to) with an interesting challenge in one of her most recent postings for the SOS Dictionary.


For those of you unfamiliar with this hallowed tome, it is a compilation of words and phrases nominally part of the English language; but with special use and meaning here in Toledo, Ohio.

Never being one to be able to turn down a meaningless (ironic choice of words, don't you think?) and pointless challenge, I have attempted to rise to the occasion. Here therefore, is our most recent addition:  

Cabal:  

1. A group of people secretly uniting in a plot (such as to overthrow a government).
2. A group of people publicly uniting (through the use of a website, published materials in local media, and announcements on local radio and TV stations) in an attempt to take back the government of Toledo from a previously formed cabal.  
3. The previously formed group of people who have been manipulating that same local government from behind the scenes and in secret for many years. (Is it just me, or does there seem to be a certain level redundancy to these definitions?)

Oversight Is Overlooked

As everyone is well aware of by now, Congress passed a massive $700,000,000,000.00 (the number looks as scary as it actually is if you use all the zeros) bailout program to keep the US financial system from suffering a catastrophic crash. In pushing through this emergency legislation, Congress insisted that officials be named to act as a watchdog for the taxpayer's money. 

Each House of Congress had its own version of this watchdog function and it's own unique way of selection. Now that we are fully two months into the full-scale "bailing" and with nearly half of the $700 Billion allocated, I thought that you might be interested in hearing how those Congressional watchdogs were doing in the performance of their duties.  

The Senate Monday approved the appointment of a federal prosecutor to be a special inspector general for oversight of the bailout. The vote on that appointment was delayed by two weeks by the anonymous hold of a member of the Senate, but even if this act of unadmitted cowardice had not occurred, it would have taken six weeks after the money was approved and was being handed out for the Senate to get around to the vote to approve a watchdog.  This doesn't mean that anyone has actually been appointed yet, that a staff has been assembled, data collected, or that the actual work had begun; only that someone can now be appointed to the position.  

The House on the other hand chose to appoint a five member special oversight panel in late November. This group of fiscal sentinels has met only once to date since being formed. Thus far, the only results of their meetings is that one of the five has already quit their job. Their first report on their efforts was due out yesterday, so we will have to see how diligent in their assigned task they have been.  

Update: The Congressional Committee has released its reports, querying 10 the Treasury Departments decisions and asking if its strategies are "an adequate response to the financial crisis". (Pretty good for two months and one meeting.)  

Let me repeat for those of you who missed it earlier, HALF OF THE MONEY HAS ALREADY BEEN HANDED OUT! As we now look forward to Congress passing their bailout of the automobile industry, and appointing a "car Czar" (Is anyone else concerned that we are naming this watchdog after a Russian ruler, whose title is taken from the Roman one of Caesar?) to be some part of the oversight of this $15 Billion, we have to wonder if they will do equally well in the assigned responsibility of guarding this money.  

Congress has proved itself a horrible watchdog of taxpayer money over the years, but has reached a new low in recent months. It is now little more than an fat and lazy hound, more worried about sleeping in the sun and its own food bowl than its responsibilities. Instead of removing our valuables from its care however, we seem intent on putting more of the family fortune in the care of this mangy mutt. Which forces me to ask the question:

How long will we overlook Congress's lack of oversight?

 

Bailing Out The Things We Need

I think that I have finally figured out the Congressional thinking on the penchant for government bailouts, and strangely enough the connection came to mind while watching an old Steve Martin movie, "The Jerk".

For those of you unfamiliar with the plot of this engaging little comedy, it is a 1979 Rob Reiner movie that follows the life of Navin R. Johnson, a white man adopted as a child by a southern black family. Johnson is an innocent and mostly clueless individual who blissfully stumbles through life until almost by accident becoming rich and famous by creating a ridiculous handle for eyeglasses called the "opti-grab". 

Unfortunately for our hero, his fame and riches are short-lived however, when it's discovered that his invention causes the people who use it to become cross-eyed. Naturally he is sued, and in the settlement our intrepid inventor loses everything that he owns. Despondent, he turns to drinking and begins a personal spiral downward. It is at that low point that we join Navin, as he decides to walk away from everything in his life, taking only what he deems necessary to survive.

"And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this." he says, picking up an ashtray. "I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair."

There it is in a nutshell folks ... Congressional thinking on solutions to the current financial crisis!

All we need to do is bail out the Wall Street firm Bear Sterns and that's it... oh and Goldman Sachs, we need to bail them out too, but that's all. Wait, we need to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac too, but just the the two Wall Street firms and the two mortgage groups ... oh and their insurance company AIG, but that's it. Just Bear Sterns, Goldman Sachs, Fannie and Freddie, and AIG need to be bailed out and that's all for sure. And the other banks, we need to bail them out too. But that's it, just the Wall Street firms, Fannie and Freddie, AIG, and the banks ... oh and the Big 3 of the auto industry. We need to bail them out too, but that's it. We just need to bail out Bear Sterns, Goldman Sachs, Fannie, and Freddie, AIG, the banks, GM, Ford, and Chrysler; but that's all we need to bail out...

And once again, the truth proves to be even stranger than fiction. Once more we find ourselves confronting a reality far more ridiculous than the anything ever produced in Hollywood. Isn't it sad (and sadly fitting), that our elected leaders can be summed up so completely by a fictional character of no intelligence and little common sense? Isn't it amazing that our government's solution to what may be the most critical problem of our age seems to be coming out of a slapstick comedy from almost 30 years ago? Don't laugh through your tears too quickly yet my friends. It is after all, your money that they are using to make these bailouts and it appears that Congress hasn't made it completely out the door yet. I wouldn't be surprised if they found a couple of more things that they "need" to add before they finally walk away. 

 

The "Stuck On Stupid" Toledo Dictionary #12

I apologize for being remiss in not making regular additions to this definitive tome of translation for the language spoken in Toledo. Other responsibilities have taken far too much precedence. I promise to be more diligent in the future however and will attempt not to let earning a living further get in the way of such higher purposes. Here are some new entries for you however.

 Vendetta:  

1. A hostile act or exchange of acts committed in a vengeful manner.  
2. An act of retaliation or revenge perpetrated by anyone who attempts to redress the ills committed by the mayor of Toledo.  
3. The response to any such action by both the mayor and the local daily newspaper, such response to be carried out with the full force and power of every branch of said government and both the news and editorial sections of said newspaper.


 Cheerleader:  
1. One who calls for or directs organized cheering.
2. A semi-deranged politician whose maniacal rants prove that he is in desperate need of medication adjustment. Vocalizations of such an individual need not follow proper sentence structure, proper grammar, or even make sense while illustrating the emotional state of this obviously unbalanced politician.