Monday, May 6, 2013
May Terror Alert: MOTHERS (2013)
Those of you with remarkable powers of observation and an equally outstanding memory will recall that a similar alert was previously issued last May. Considering the nature of the threat involved however, it's not remarkable to see that it has re-emerged at this time of year ...
The month of May is once more upon us, and while many look for the flowers that were supposed to be coming from April's showers (at least according to the song); recent weather has instead been filled with days colder than an IRS auditor's heart. Despite the inclement weather however, the Department of Just Blowing Smoke Security (DJBSS) has continued in its tireless efforts to root out potential terrorists threats in this nation. (Though perhaps the reason they are so tireless is because someone substituted the real stuff as a joke for the decaf normally used for the copious quantities of Irish coffee they consume as a breakfast bracer.) While I admit that they've been a bit more silent than usual on potential threats against the nation, they are still head and shoulders above Janet Napolitano and her merry band DHS minions for intelligence gathering.
It was no surprise therefore, when a threat assessment was slipped out from under the locked door of their Command Center today (an attic room that we keep them locked in for their own protection, as well as ours), that it was a serious one indeed. In fact it was a warning (and just in time) of the impending annual appearance of a particularly nasty group of miscreants ... MOTHERS.
Do not be deceived into believing that we are for one moment talking about those wonderful female progenitors who have served us tirelessly, wiping our butts as babies, our noses and foreheads as children each and every time that illness beset us, and our tears to this very day as life's trials and tribulations attempt to overcome us. This group is in fact the antithesis of their venerable namesake: Malicious and Obnoxious Troublemakers who Hate Everything Regarding maternal Sentimentality.
Reliable sources have confirmed rumors that many of the members of this particularly evil little bunch ne'er-do-wells in fact never had mothers of their own; and were in fact created in a under-funded (and still ongoing) government research project, performed at a long since de-certified junior college. (Some hint that it wasn't a junior college at all, but in fact 'The Wanda Trossler School of Beauty'.) If in fact correct, their mothers were apparently little more than dirty test tubes, apparently manufactured in a factory built on a toxic waste site in China (allegedly right next to where the current I Pad factory is today). Government spokesman have of course vehemently denies these claims, stating firmly and for the record that: "There has never been any such thing as a under-funded government research project."
Showing all the twisted jealousy one might expect for any of those around them not produced as part of one of these failed experiments (a project allegedly designated 'It Takes A Village'). With years of the kind of progressive theory, state-approved mothering that only 24 hour per day government control could provide, these misguided motherless bastards have now dedicated their twisted and tawdry existence to program designed to denigrate that which they will never know by methods so disgusting that even Stephen King has rejected them for use in his story plots.
Of course you've all seen them over the years. They're the ones who insist on jumping off the bridge, just because everyone else did. They're the ones who always put their elbows on the table, stubbornly refused to drink their milk (or Ovaltine or Tang for that matter) and who scoff at claims that starving children around the world would gladly eat the vegetables that they have turned their noses up at.
They're also the ones, by the way, who spend far too much time these days on the late afternoon talk shows, hyping their new books decrying the role of motherhood as something only fit for women unable or unwilling to pursue a more satisfying professional career (mostly because, male or female, they are those least likely to find someone willing to participate in reproductive process with them). They're also those whose career in fact seems to involve writing scripts for what are considered 'hip' sitcoms about women who look down their noses at those they consider 'chained by the bonds of parenthood', while secretly longing to take their places.
May is normally the peak period of their perfidious activity, as they become most irate during the month in which a holiday exists in celebration of that they fear and detest most. Castigating the day of maternal reverence for this most challenging of responsibilities as nothing more than a 'Hallmark Holiday', they can sometimes be found performing curiously contradictory observances. While acknowledging the existence of the festival, they will undoubtedly seek to glorify the capitalistic perversions of it; attempting to demean its festivities as simply another occasion to get a great price on a breakfast at IHOP, a mattress, or a set of tires.
MOTHERS are easily recognizable in public. They can clearly picked out by scars on elbows and knees that were neither correctly bandaged, nor properly disinfected by a kiss. If their limbs are for some reason covered, they can still be identified as those with unbrushed hair or teeth, or who haven't washed behind their ears. If you do see one, do not attempt to confront them, as they're also the ones who don't wash their hands before dinner or after they've gone to the bathroom (which paints a particularly disgusting picture if they've done the latter just prior to the former).
Owing to the sheer volume of their nefarious activities over the next week, the DJBSS hotline will be open 24 hours a day until after Mother's Day. While the call volume at 1-800-RAT-BUTT is expected to be high and some delays are inevitable, please remain on the line and all relevant information regarding their evil enterprises will be taken down for future reprisal.
Because of the particularly disgusting nature of their transgressions (and personal habits) the Terror Threat is being raised to a particularly dirty shade of Gray.