Saturday, December 12, 2009

Government Christmas Update

Those of you who have already read my latest effort in the Toledo Free Press, "Government Christmas" may have wondered as to how quickly such policies would be implemented or expanded. As is typical once the government takes command and control of such things, additional regulations and guidelines are coming out of Washington D.C. faster than they can be released to the public. In just the time since I wrote the original piece, it has been announced that:
  • The Little People formerly known as elves will be allowed to organize into a union under a first test of the "Employee Free Choice Act". Not only will a decision on such a union be done by a simple public show of hands, but counting of votes will be performed by ACORN. My understanding is that the union so approved will be under SEIU. (How can we say that how a vote for a union vote not yet taken will be approved? Hmmm ...)
  • Stricter regulations regarding the carbon footprint of present delivery will be done. While the current system (a sleigh) is not a fossil fuel vehicle, the reindeer have been known to emit both carbon dioxide and methane.
  • In addition, the Post Office will be used as a government approved alternate delivery method when required, so as to lessen the load for one-day delivery and provide a much needed boost to Post Office revenues.
  • Children will no longer be able to sit on Santa's lap and ask for presents, as such behavior can cause a loss of self-esteem and reeks of pedophilia.
  • Future requests for gifts will no longer be sent as letters to Santa at the North Pole. They will instead be submitted to the Office of the "Christmas Czar" in triplicate for review and approval.
  • Candy canes will no longer be allowed to be used as a symbol for Christmas, as the concept demeans those individuals "specially-abled" and therefore requiring the use of canes for mobility. (I know that it's supposed to symbolize a shepherd's crook, but I don't write these regulations, I just release them.)
  • Snowmen (and Snow-women) can no longer be depicted with such large bottom sections, as such a display goes contrary to the obesity conscious nature of the new holiday.
  • Snow depicted on the new "approved" Christmas cards will no longer be limited to the color white in order to illustrate the diversity being sought in all things government.
As more regulations become known or available, I will be sure to add them. My time is limited on keeping up with this research however, so if you hear anything out there, please feel free to let me know.

2 comments:

Hooda Thunkit (Dave Zawodny) said...

"Stricter regulations regarding the carbon footprint of present delivery will be done. While the current system (a sleigh) is not a fossil fuel vehicle, the reindeer have been known to emit both carbon dioxide and methane.

Umm Tim, you forgot to mention other forms of carbon based "by products" of an organic nature. . .


;-)

Tim Higgins said...

Dave,

It was an omission by design, as apparently I have stepped in it and refused to mention it until I scraped it off of my shoe.