I Woke Up Old This Morning

As I have already mentioned, I spent this last weekend attending a conference of the newspaper industry in Washington DC. This is a conference I have been participating in for most of my 33 year career in the printing industry and as a consequence, I have made many good friends and many more acquaintances while at it over the years. 

As you might expect during such a long history, there were many famous and infamous events that have occurred. Some were funny, others sad, and most are simply too numerous, ridiculous, and embarrassing to recount here (mostly the latter, if you must know). With the attendance of this conference down to abysmal levels this year, I had more more free time than I normally do (or wanted), and many opportunities to renew some of these past friendships during hours that I was supposed to working during the show (shhh, don't tell my lords and masters). We spent our time both catching up and recounting many of those numerous misadventures, chuckling over the ignorance and insanity which we had shown in those bygone days. When I woke up yesterday to fly home is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had gotten old. 

I was now one of those guys who spent most of their time discussing the misadventures of their misguided youth (and middle age for that matter) that I used to laugh at when I was younger. I was now one of those foolish fogies who, too old and tired now to commit further atrocities, found endless amusement in my own (and others) past abilities to commit social suicide in the presence of large audiences. I was now one of those guys who, no longer able to function as a practicing miscreant, I was forced to sit on the sidelines, comparing the antics going on around me to those dubious deeds of daring in the days of my youth. 

The unexpected timing of this revelation has taken quite a toll on me. While realizing that I am no longer a child, I am not yet ready to accept the mantle of senior citizen. I freely admit that there is more of a past to my life than there will probably be a future, but I hadn't counted on getting old quite so soon. I always thought that I might still have one or two misdeeds yet to commit before hanging up my fool's cap for good. I believed that I still had the drive and know how to confirm my fellow mans' low opinion and expectations of me a time or two yet. I thought that I would have at least a few good years of immaturity left before having to settle into the senility that I know awaits me. 

Confronted by the sorry facts however, I now realize that I may well be past my prime (which is a damned shame considering that I never really had one). Oh well boys and girls this is it, get the rockin' chair out cause grandpa's feeling the urge to just sit and rock for a spell. (Oh my God, I think I'm going to be sick...)

Honesty

Resuming my self-education in the qualities to be sought in a political candidate or officeholder (something I plan on continuing in the days moving up to the election), I found myself wrestling with the concept of honesty. Now many say that the honesty and politics are mutually exclusive categories, and I have to admit that there are times that I agree with them (especially lately). Regardless of its apparent scarcity however, we search for it almost desperately as we attempt to find our elected representatives. Going to my tried and true source of information (OK, not so much for the rites / rights thing, but I already owned up to that mistake), the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, I found the following:

Sincerity 
This is a interesting definition, but I'm not sure that it means what it once did. If this is the definition that we are going to use (and I have to admit that it does have some value), I have to ask whether we are looking for sincerity of statement and purpose or merely the appearance of sincerity. I have to say that most of the time it doesn't seem to make any difference to anyone. In addition, I would ask that if we do want to make this distinction (and it is an important one), how are we to know the difference in these days of the speech writer, political operative, and the mainstream media having their way with us? 

Fairness and straightforwardness of conduct 
This seems a bit muddled as well. Quite frankly I didn't even know that straightforwardness was a word until I saw it there. Attaching this mouthful to the concept of conduct in an age that sees Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears as normal is simply bizarre. As for fairness, that word seems to have lost meaning long ago, especially in the arena of politics. Fairness is what the person using the word believes it to be, which usually means whatever provides their side with an advantage. I can't say that I find this laudable, admirable, or to be desired in a candidate.
 
Adherence to the facts 
I like this one a lot, but what are the facts and how are we to judge adherence to them? Facts, like statistics, seem to be things that are interpreted to bolster preconceived notions these days, in politics and in life. The term often becomes meaningless when those "facts" are viewed through the lenses being used, either rose colored or jaded. Sometimes, it appears that we are even allowed to stretch the facts to make a point for the "greater good" (just ask Al Gore). If facts have little or no meaning, adhering to them would appear to be either impossible or pointless.

So here in our 2nd voyage of discovery for the desired traits of a political candidate or office holder, we sadly find that we are once again to be disappointed. Like character, it appears that the concept of honesty which we seek is to a great extent both ethereal and illusory. Deep down, we all seem to know what it should mean, but how to find or judge it today in a political candidate seems to escape us. If anyone has a suggestion out there, I'm certainly willing to listen to it. In the meantime, I'm not sure that I can say it any better than Billy Joel ... 

"Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you."

 

WARNING: Postings May Be More Illogical Than They Appear

 
I realized today that my next two postings will be made while attending the national convention / trade show of the newspaper industry. This would not normally be anything of concern, except that this year the conference will be in the "Logic Free Zone" of Washington, DC. The parent organization of my industry felt that having it in the nation's capital would make a statement to the government. 

(With attendance down for a number of reasons that I will not bore you with, I think it likely that the only statement made will be to show their current reduced state; but that's just me.)  
The point here is that while I have already written these two postings, there is no telling what influence that this "Bermuda Triangle" of insanity and illogic may have in the last minute editing that I have been known to do to these pieces. While I was still breathing the free air of the Midwest, I felt that I should warn readers of the potential consequences of exposure to this environment. I vow to resist the atmosphere of socialism, solipsism, semantic non sequitur, and just plain silliness of this region as best I can.  

(No I will not explain the previous sentence. You will just have to look these terms up and figure it out for yourselves.)

The Age Of Reason

For those of you who are looking for a reasoned and articulate discussion of the 1898 book by Thomas Paine, you are destined once again for disappointment at my hands. I would like instead to talk a little bit about parents, children, and learning...  

My children are older now, and two of them have families of their own. As well as the amusement this provides me as I watch them dealing with the problems of their own families, I find that I am learning a lot from listening to my children and that they may have truly reached the age of reason. 

Now for those of you with children who have not reached this age of reason, this statement probably seems incredible; but it is true never the less. "Tim", you have to be saying to yourself (Which is something that you shouldn't do. Talking to people who are not there is considered madness. Talking to me, whether I am there or not, is simply bad judgment.), "what possible use can it be to speak to someone 7 years old? And while I am asking, how can children so young have children of their own?" The answer is not that we are some genetic misfits (well OK I am, but you're supposed to be polite and not notice), but that obviously you don't understand the concept of the age of reason, so let me explain. 

For most children, the age of reason actually occurs not at 7 (as the Catholic Church taught me in my youth), but much later at age 25. By this time they have gone through the 5 stages of human development:

1. Babies - those who are nothing but needy and cannot yet ask questions (which probably one of the reasons that they are considered to be so cute).
2. Small children - those who know next to nothing and are constantly asking questions with no apparent rhyme or reason (and usually without read answers on the part of their elders) .
3. Young children - those who know a little and only ask embarrassing questions, usually at inopportune times and in public places.
4. Young adults - those who know everything and barely talk to you, let alone ask questions.
5. Adults - those who having passed through childhood, are now both willing and capable of holding an intelligent conversation with you.

With all of my children having now broken through this final barrier a few years back, I find that what they have to say is quite interesting and that in fact they are now having a greater influence on my life then I probably ever was on theirs. 

* I am moved when I listen to them talk about dealing with their children and admire them for the commitment of time and love that they bring to this most important of responsibilities, something they do far better than I ever did. 

* I enjoy talking political philosophy and strategy with them, even though some lean a good bit left of my own politics. They make cogent arguments for their positions and some of their thinking causes me to re-evaluate my own. 

* I am amazed when I hear them discuss the balance in their lives between their careers and their personal lives, a talent that I was never able to master when I was their age (and still seem to be mostly incapable of). 

* I am intrigued when they discuss their mastery of today's technology, from text messaging to web surfing. Whether it is my son Sean who seems to be able to build a computer with the same apparent ease with which I used to be able to build a picture frame, or my daughter Laura who puts the elements of a web page together far easier than I manage to assemble these postings; their abilities surprise and delight me. 

Maybe this is a 6th stage of human development, where the parent listens (a seemingly impossible task for me) and learns from the child. Maybe this is the part where I get to rest from providing answers that I'm not sure I ever had in the first place and let someone else take a crack at it. Maybe this is where I truly reach an Age of Reason, by realizing that I don't, and never did have a clue. 

On the other hand, this might just a brief respite for someone my age as I master he intricacies of impending senility. Whatever the reason might be however, as I listen to the things that they now have to offer in the way of wisdom, I hope that this dog is not too old to learn a few new tricks. 


 

You Are A Winner!

You Are A Winner!

No, I am not from Publisher's Clearing House. I just mean that of course you have to be a winner, since in society today there are no such things as losers. Either everyone who competes is celebrated for having done so, or you can't tell who's winning because nobody's keeping score. The world is so concerned these days about building and maintaining self-esteem that it forgets to train people how to compete and succeed. I guarantee you that these are skills that they are going to need at some point in their life.

When did this happen to us? I mean no one used to love competing more than Americans, whether it was sports, game shows, or reality shows. It often seems in fact, that we can't get enough of it (have you looked at a TV schedule lately). When life leaves the confines of the TV set however, we seem to abandon that spirit of competition. This is especially true where the raising of our children is concerned.

• We create T-ball so that pitchers won't compete against batters and so that hitters can get hits and feel good about themselves.
  
• We eliminate Dodgeball from our schools as heartless, even in concept, to keep from hurting the feelings of those eliminated by the nature of the game.
  
• We eliminate gifted programs and grades from our schools, to avoid the hurt feelings caused by low academic performance.
  
• Teachers no longer use red pens or pencils to correct papers, as the harsh color might impact the student's self-esteem.
  
• We give trophies to everyone who competes in children's sports leagues, because "everyone is a winner" in some way.
  

... and what do we get when those kids grow up

• Employers must send their HR (Human Resource) staff to "sensitivity training" classes to learn how to maintain the self-esteem of this latest generation of employees.
  
• Employers can no longer give employees accurate reviews which might create negative self-esteem. Nor can they reprimand them for late arrival or sub-standard performance, lest they crush their fragile egos.
  
• Karaoke bars and "American Idol" feed these egos nightly, telling us that everyone is a star. (Then again, Bob Dylan was a star, and he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.)
  
• WE create a credit crisis in this country by telling everyone that they are good enough to own a big TV (HD, no less), a big car, and a big house, whether they have earned the money for these things or not.
  

This non-stop ego reinforcement has created generations of praise-crazed, ego-centric non-performers. These lotus eaters are young people raised on increasing doses of ego support, and who have over their lifetimes become addicted to it. Any reductions in either the frequency or the amount of this positive reinforcement fix causes acute withdrawal symptoms that run from mild melancholy to full-blown depression. Like the junkies that they have become, not only do they require increasing doses of this behavior to feed their habit, but they cannot tolerate anything that might get in the way of it, or in any way burst their self-esteem bubble.

Without bowing completely to the Theory of Evolution, I will tell you that I believe that only the strong survive. No matter how much the current child rearing process or our nanny state would like to protect us from life, sooner or later the realities of everyday existence must be dealt with. Believe me when I tell you that when given the chance to do so, Nature will find a way to thin the herd. If you want you or your kids to be one of the ones left standing in the end, you had better start training them to compete for the privilege (not right) of living. Think I'm kidding, check out this 60 Minutes story: http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=3486473n

Let me leave you with a couple of thoughts:

- Have you ever noticed that mass murderers and sociopaths seem to have no self-esteem problems?
I'm just sayin' ...

- Many years ago Gilbert & Sullivan wrote something for the Broadway stage that is just as true today as it was then, "If everybody's somebody, then no one's anybody".

That's Not Right #9 - The Michigan Primary

Well it has been made official today that the Michigan primary will not be held again, and it will be up to the Howard Dean and the Democratic Party as to whether any delegates from the state of Michigan will be seated at the convention in Denver.

Now I didn't vote in either primary in Ohio (I am registered Independent) and I'm not an expert in Democratic party politics, in spite of the fact that I grew up in Chicago, a city long known for the intrigue and machinations of this particular political party. I seem to remember however, that the whole point of moving the primary up was to have a greater impact on the decision as to who would be the presidential candidate for the Democratic Party for 2008. 

So without attempting to interject any hint of smugness (right ...) at the way you are being treated by your own party, I have to ask ... How's that workin' out for you?

Additonal Words of the Wise

P J O'Rourke is a humorist, a journalist, and a political commentator whose twisted perspective on the political process appeals to my warped sensibilities. I thought some of his wisdom worth sharing.  

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."

"The mystery of government is not how Washington works, but how to make it stop." 


"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them." 


"The U.S. Constitution is less than a quarter the length of the owner's manual for a 1998 Toyota Camry, and yet it has managed to keep 300 million or the world's most unruly, passionate, and energetic people safe, prosperous, and free."

Rites Of Spring

The 1st day of spring was almost two weeks ago, which means that we have passed the vernal equinox and have begun a new season. Baseball's opening day has already occurred (in Japan anyway), with the rest of the league following soon after. These signs herald what is commonly know as the "Rites of Spring". Something has gone terribly wrong however, and I feel that I am being denied these rites. 

Now I hear a lot of talk about what rights people think that have and deserve. The right to a smoke-free environment, the right to affordable health care, the right to keep their house even if they can't make the payments on their mortgage. Well I have a few rights that I would like to see added to the list at this time of year:

1. I have the right to not shovel any more snow.
2. I have the right not to have to warm up my car in the morning to get the ice off of the windows.
3. I have the right to see a weather forecast without seeing the words "Winter Storm Alert", or temperatures that are below freezing.
4. I have the right to leave the house without three layers of clothing on.
5. I have the right to see green on something other than people on St. Patrick's day.
6. I have the right to put away my winter hats, coats, and gloves.
7. I have the right to wear tee shirts and golf shirts without freezing my butt off.
8. I have the right to open the windows of my residence without having to choose whether groceries or paying my heating bill are more important to me.

What was that? The two different spellings have two different meanings? Are you kidding me here? This isn't my fault. I just write this stuff, after all. You can't expect me to spend all of my time with my nose buried in a dictionary doing research on this stuff or something, jeez. OK, sorry I messed up. My bad.  
(Of course I still want all of my rights. I see no reason that some tiny, insignificant mistake like this should change that.)ril 4, 2008  

Update:  

It appears as though I am getting some of what I have demanded with sunshine and temperatures in the high 50's and low 60's for the weekend. Apparently all you have to do is rear up on your hind legs and bitch about your rights in this country to get what you want (yeh, right...). I may make up list of other things that I want as a right, just in case.

Character

This being an election year, we are lectured regularly on the need for character in our candidates. We are told that character is in fact essential in a good political leader or candidate. Since this appears to be so important a trait and since I want to vote for the right kind of candidate, I decided that the best thing to do would be to look up the word in the dictionary. Much to my chagrin, Merriam Webster shows a number of different definitions of the word.

1. A symbol (as a letter or number) that represents information. Nope, I don't think that this is it, unless the man formerly known as Prince is running for something or if you are running for mayor of Sesame Street.
2. The aggregate of distinctive qualities of a breed, strain, or type. Nope, this sound like some form or racial profiling to me, so I am SURE that this cannot be what they are talking about.
3. The personality or part which an actor recreates. Now this one has some possibilities, as I am always convinced that politicians are always acting in public (and of course some actors have become politicians); but somehow this doesn't strike me as an ideal to strive for.
4. A short literary sketch of the qualities of a social type. More references to racial profiling, this time seemingly by documenting social status. Though it seems to me that only rich people can afford to run for political office, again I doubt that this is an enviable trait or one to be sought after.
5. Moral excellence and firmness. Oh this has got to be it, though I can only say this with a sense irony. While I freely admit that morals, unlike ethics, change with time and society; I refuse to believe that we have sunk to a level that the behavior exhibited by most politicians today could be called excellent or firm. Consistent maybe, but only in the way that one can say that tornadoes consistently damage property.

So maybe what everyone is trying to tell us is that the most important trait in a political candidate (or office holder) is something which we simply cannot define, and if we could, cannot actually have. I have to say that this is a disappointment to me. How am I to cast my vote properly in the upcoming elections in November? How are we to have those in office with the very trait that the political parties, and the candidates themselves, feel is so important? Why are they trying to make this so damn confusing?

Perhaps someone else out there has the answer and will share with the rest of us...

Though never a political candidate, nor aspiring to such office I have been told from time to time that I "am" a character, and I was never quite sure what was meant by it. Having done this research and looking back on it now, I suppose that I would have to go with #2. Some might additionally go so far as to say that I am a flawed character, though a flawed "aggregate of distinctive qualities" seems somewhat contradictory to me. Then again, perhaps it's the flaws that make me distinctive. Hey I like that!

Ohio Professional Hockey - The Lame Name Game

There has been a large local focus on the recent naming of the new hockey team for the city of Toledo. Even though the team will not begin playing in the ECHL until the 2009, the ownership decided that the time had come to pick out the team name. After considered discussion, suggestions from the pubic (which they apparently paid no attention to), and marketing studies, they came to the conclusion that the new franchise name would be the Toledo Walleye. Now once you have picked yourself up off of the floor, and your laughter has reduced itself to a manageable level, I will attempt to explain why this is not as strange as it might appear. It appears that such things are common practice in the State of Ohio.

Now Toledo has had professional hockey on the minor league level for many years going back in its past. The Toledo Blades, the Goaldiggers, the Hornets. and the Mercurys. In fact, it only recently lost it's latest effort at a minor league franchise (it's hard to play after they tear down your arena). This team, the Toledo Storm began a play during the 1991-92 season and won two Riley Cup championships before its recent demise in the 06-07 season.

Cleveland, which now has the Lake Erie Monsters of the IHL (not a bad effort at a name), used to have the Lumberjacks. Pardon me, but I don't recall large tracts of virgin timber in the area, nor an abundance of beavers. It would however, allow the singing of the Monty Python "lumberjack song" as a team anthemn, so it's got that going for it.

Cincinnati has had the Mohawks in the past (pretty bad logo, but it was 1948-59 after all) and now has the Cyclones of the ECHL. This too is OK as names and logos go, but might have been confusing when Toledo had the Storm. Had somebody simply run our of inspiration or did they just think that two Ohio teams named for atmospheric events was a good idea?

Dayton has had the Gems and the Owls (lucky for you, I couldn't find the logos), and currently has the Bombers of the ECHL. This name isn't bad either. It takes in the whole Wright brothers / Wright-Patterson AFB thing into account, but the logo with the bomber on it is a lot cooler than this one. I suppose however, that it is the more politically correct.

Columbus, the only city in Ohio currently with a team in the NHL, has had a number of teams over the years, some of which I have been able to dig up logos on. The Checkers, the Seals, and the Owls (yeah, the same ones that were in Dayton) at one time played in Columbus.

They gave up their last minor league hockey team and a pretty good team name and logo, the Columbus Chill, to go with the Columbus Blue Jackets. This name was supposed to celebrate Ohio's Civil War heritage (I know, who knew that it had one). They started out with a losing record and a logo that was even a bigger loser; and the Blue Jacket bug, like the team itself, faced a fair amount of ridicule at home and around the league. The team and the logo are fairing better these days (even incorporating the flag of the state of Ohio in its latest logo), and there is a chance that they could even make the playoffs this year.

And then we have the Toledo Walleye...

Sure it may not the best name in the world, and the logo might leave a little bit to be desired; but when you consider it in the light of the history of naming Ohio hockey teams, we could have done a lot worse. (By the way, why does everyone think that it becomes a better logo by placing a hockey stick in its hand. See Beavers, Cyclones, Seals, and Blue Jackets.)

So I am choosing to do a catch and release with the Walleye, will give them a break, and wait to see them play. Having done the research, I now understand now that Ohio seems to have little understanding for this game invented in Canada, in spite of its proximity and of having had many teams over the years. I am an old hockey player myself, having chased my way up and down the ice for some 30 years, and that may also be part of the reason that I am willing to cut them some slack. You may even see me in a jersey one of these days in support of this new Toledo franchise (After all, I have one of the bug jerseys from Columbus, which proves that I have no shame).