Showing posts with label rites of spring. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rites of spring. Show all posts

Saturday, July 26, 2014

TFP Column: Rites Of Spring

(Contrary to all logic and reason, I have decided to put new material up on this blog, but only in the form of the columns that I have done for the Toledo Free Press.  This is done for the benefit of those with time to waste, who likewise do not spend their time reading the website of this award winning weekly newspaper, and I will go back and add efforts that were published earlier this year.)

This particular effort was published on 04/03/2014.
Despite the dire prognostications of the Pennsylvania rodent population, the contradictory evidence of flowers that seem brave enough to begin poking their way into the sunlight (though forced to do so through the semi-frozen ground of global climate change) and despite the mirage of lingering snow drifts to your lying eyes ... spring is finally here.

Spring means many things to many people. Here in the Midwest, it means planting of crops for farmers (or in some cases, getting the government to pay you not to plant them by placing land in a “soil bank”). It means fertilizing the lawn, then rushing to tune up the lawnmower so we can cut it after stimulating its growth. It’s likely to mean it’s time to repair the car’s suspension from that unfortunate assignation with a pothole the size of that meteor crater in Winslow, Ariz.
 
One of the most important things about spring however is sports. Spring is in fact the convergence of all things sports.  College basketball holds its two different tournaments, the NCAA championship for the “feasible,” the “unlikely,” and the “surprising” and the NIT for those whose yearly efforts haven’t reached the previously mentioned levels, but should be rewarded by face-saving and revenue-generating post-season play. The professional basketball season is also winding to a close, with more teams making its postseason play than missing it, and the usual suspects likely to be there at the end.
 
Hockey follows basketball to a season close in the growing warmth, though it’s outdoor play these days is only for show and therefore not an impediment.  Like its brother basketball, it too has fallen prey to the lure of revenue, and far too many will contest to dethrone the Chicago Blackhawks and lift Lord Stanley’s Cup.
 
Football too has begun, whether you’re talking about the spring practices of the college teams of the U.S. version or the more accurately defined world sporting event that’s only in recent years getting its proper due in this country.
 
The king of sports this time of year, however, is and always will be the national sport, baseball. Oh sure, they messed with Opening Day this year by allowing the Diamondbacks and the Dodgers to play one in Australia, before the traditional opening game in Cincinnati; but games played on the other side of the international dateline can probably be discounted in a 162-game season. 

Regardless of whether snow must be cleared from the fields and long sleeves are the rule rather than the exception on the field, it’s time to “Play Ball!”
 
Across the nation, we abandon balmy living rooms and cheerfully face the often frozen confines of a land where “hope springs eternal.” We encourage our overpriced stars, cheer those we’ve never seen before, but who show early promise and salute those who, perhaps unknown even to themselves, are taking their final lap as men playing a boy’s game.
 
This spring is particularly special for some of us, as it commemorates the 100th anniversary of historic Wrigley Field in Chicago. This celebration is likely to be rather muted however, since the Cubs have failed to win a World Series during the entire century of this ballpark’s existence and the Cubs enter what’s likely to be the 108th year of their rebuilding program.
 
A point that forces one to take note that not all things associated with spring are positive is that politicians are already out on the stump, attending fundraising dinners across the country and forming exploratory groups, while simultaneously denying that such efforts exists. (A curious process since the only thing that such exploration groups seem to discover is a previously unknown groundswell movement for the candidate to run.)  For those seeking further evidence of the dire consequences of the season, it’s also less than two weeks until tax day.
 
Alfred Tennyson told us that “In the spring, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” Recalling dim memories of having been one during the Dark Ages of history, I believe I can say without fear of challenge that a young man’s fancy seldom strays from such thoughts.  For many this week, however, the glorious contemplation of such emotions and perhaps of the fairer sex in general will be done in the Glass City with a hot dog and an adult beverage at Fifth Third Field. 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Rights of Spring


So much of the discussion these days is about the "Rights" people think they are entitled to that I felt the need to weigh in on the subject (which beats my normal behavior of gnawing my own leg off in order to escape them).  In addition to those enumerated in the "Bill of Rights", there appears to be a fair-sized list not included with this document that people would like to see added.  

Now the Founding Fathers recognized when amending this document (the only way that they could get the States to agree to ratify it) that the list was not complete.  In fact, James Madison originally proposed twenty of these Rights; but only twelve were sent to the States for ratification, and only ten of those were in fact ratified.  There were a number of people at the time who objected to listing even those as a "Bill of Rights"; saying that by doing so that some damn fool in the future would insist that only those rights listed would be considered valid. (Wow, talk about calling your shot.) Even stretching a point however, I don't believe that many of the ones getting press ink these days could even make a list that Madison would throw away.

On the other hand, it's that time of year when we must further consider another kind of Rights, the "Rites of Spring".  Recognizing of course, that these two are distinct concepts (otherwise why spell them different), I nevertheless saw an opportunity to put my two cents in on both simultaneously in a compromise effort.

In the spirit of the kind of kind of twisted compromise that "Just Blowing Smoke" has long been known for, and with a nod to those on both sides of the political aisle (who mostly wouldn't recognize a real compromise if it jumped off this page and bit them on the ass); I would therefore like to consider some seasonal thoughts which, though they may well fall outside the consideration of the Founders, are no more ridiculous than others that I've heard.

Starting from the most important:
  1. I believe in the Right to see the Cubs win a World Series.  It's been over 100 years after all, and I'm sure that even the goat that started the curse would be willing to forgive and forget by now.
  2. I believe in the Right not to have to listen to really tasteless and poorly performed Rap music played at a volume that rattles the windows of the car ... pulled up at the stoplight next to me.
  3. I believe in the Right to 3-Day Weekends, and further believe that it's a gross imposition on the freedom of American society not to have one every weekend during the spring and summer. (I'm still considering the Constitutional implications of adding Fall to this list.)
  4. I believe in the Right to demand that political candidates be forced to take the month of July off so that we get a chance to clear our heads of their non-stop pontificating and mostly pointless and repetitive rhetoric.  (The Mainstream media should likewise be banned from covering such bloviating or commenting on it in any way for the same period.)
  5. I believe in the Right to a steak cooked almost medium rare on an outdoor grill right next to the baked potatoes and ears of corn that will accompany it; and served with a beer so cold that's it dripping with condensation. (And can we please pile the butter and sour cream on?  If this journey is going to kill me, I'd like to at least enjoy the ride.)
  6. I believe in the Right to stand in the way of Progress until it proves itself to be something worth having. (The version they're touting right now leaves more than reasonable doubt about the concept and much to be desired.)
  7. I believe in the Right to demand that potential voters be given a test at least as demanding as the one that allows you to drive; since both are likely to allow one to cause a good deal of general mayhem once you begin doing them.
  8. I believe in the Right to temperatures warm enough for the fairer gender to display themselves in all of their warm weather finery. (Not only does this bring a 'spring' to my step, but I think it's specifically mentioned in the Declaration of Independence under the "pursuit of happiness")
  9. I believe in the Right to further believe in "the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."  (No wait, Kevin Costner already used that line in "Bull Durham".  Never mind ...) 
  10. I believe that I have a Right to end this list before it becomes even more absurd than it already is, and far more farcical than was my original intention. (I know that hardly seems possible, but am willing to concede the floor if anyone has something they consider worthy of addition and let them take their best shot) 
(In the spirit of "Just Blowing Smoke" Political Correctness, the Editorial staff wishes it noted that if any of the Rights listed above have in any way annoyed, offended, or angered you in any way ..... tough cookies.)
 
Now, if I can't get these Rights imposed on this nation (and damned soon), I'm not going to bother with any cheesy 'Occupy' demonstration.  I'm in fact prepared to take these demands (if I must) directly to the UN Security Council for consideration.  

While I have absolutely no respect for an organization that I believe does little more than take up valuable Real Estate in New York City, forcing them to debate a ridiculous issue on which they have can no serious say may at least keep them from wealth redistribution to petty dictators and criminal regimes for an afternoon.  Making them consider yet another bit of pointless nonsense in the name of the concept of Rights that most of the members of this august body have no 'Right' to judge (and that in fact do not actually exist), likewise suits my vindictive sense of humor and my twisted sense of irony where they're concerned.   (Besides, forcing the US representative to the UN to use its veto power to keep this from passing would crack me up.) 


On a personal note, I will mention my cousin Molly Roe will be singing the National Anthem this afternoon at 3:00 PM Central Time at US Cellular Field to begin the Chicago White Sox game against the Detroit Tigers.  While the editorial staff at "Just Blowing Smoke" are unanimously Cubs fans and as a consequence question the wasting of her talents at this questionable venue, we recognize the singular honor being shown to her.  

Good Luck Molly, we know that you'll do an outstanding job, even if it is in front a bunch of Godless cretins. 



Monday, May 4, 2009

Is Spring Finally Here?
















Hallelujah!

I woke up this morning finally believing that spring had finally sprung. Having crossed the feast of Beltane (Celtic Right of Spring), I have now been given visible proof of the actual event. I have to admit that there have been days of late when I thought that it would never come. Besides, it reminds me of days past and all of the flowering trees that I had at my old house in Gahanna, OH.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Rites Of Spring

The 1st day of spring was almost two weeks ago, which means that we have passed the vernal equinox and have begun a new season. Baseball's opening day has already occurred (in Japan anyway), with the rest of the league following soon after. These signs herald what is commonly know as the "Rites of Spring". Something has gone terribly wrong however, and I feel that I am being denied these rites. 

Now I hear a lot of talk about what rights people think that have and deserve. The right to a smoke-free environment, the right to affordable health care, the right to keep their house even if they can't make the payments on their mortgage. Well I have a few rights that I would like to see added to the list at this time of year:
  1. I have the right to not shovel any more snow.
  2. I have the right not to have to warm up my car in the morning to get the ice off of the windows.
  3. I have the right to see a weather forecast without seeing the words "Winter Storm Alert", or temperatures that are below freezing.
  4. I have the right to leave the house without three layers of clothing on.
  5. I have the right to see green on something other than people on St. Patrick's day.
  6. I have the right to put away my winter hats, coats, and gloves.
  7. I have the right to wear tee shirts and golf shirts without freezing my butt off.
  8. I have the right to open the windows of my residence without having to choose whether groceries or paying my heating bill are more important to me.
What was that? The two different spellings have two different meanings? Are you kidding me here? This isn't my fault. I just write this stuff, after all. You can't expect me to spend all of my time with my nose buried in a dictionary doing research on this stuff or something, jeez. OK, sorry I messed up. My bad.  
(Of course I still want all of my rights. I see no reason that some tiny, insignificant mistake like this should change that.)ril 4, 2008  

Update:  

It appears as though I am getting some of what I have demanded with sunshine and temperatures in the high 50's and low 60's for the weekend. Apparently all you have to do is rear up on your hind legs and bitch about your rights in this country to get what you want (yeh, right...). I may make up list of other things that I want as a right, just in case.