Friday, December 23, 2011

Dear Santa 2011

Santa Claus
c/o North Pole

Dear Santa,

Listen, I know that this is kind of late and that you have a lot of letters to read at this time of year (especially with the problems that the Post Office is having getting stuff delivered), so I'll get right to the point.

It seems that there are some people out there who could use a few things, and might forget to put them on their lists. So I thought I would try, on their behalf of course, to help them out. Don't get me wrong Santa, they're not children (though it would be difficult to believe this, based on the way they act much of the time) and I'm sure that more than a few of them are on your 'naughty' list rather than your 'nice' one. You may even find them rather hard to sort out, except by the fact that they've been elected to public office.

Yes that's right Santa, I want you to bring presents to politicians. No don't worry Santa, I haven't gone any crazier than usual. There's just a couple of things that I think you could give politicians right now that might turn out to be gifts for all of us. Yes Santa, I know that we already give politicians too much (when they're not taking more), but these particular selections might be considered vitally important to the national interest (and will probably be as welcome as the rabbit pajamas my grandma gave me when I was seven, and that I still have nightmares about).

Anyway, here's my list:

A new Calculator: Maybe you could find a special one with a really big display that shows all the zeros in a trillion dollars (the regular ones don't). I'm not sure that those in Congress actually understand that, or they wouldn't keep throwing that number around like it wasn't as big as it actually is.

A new Dictionary: Listen Santa, there seems to be some real confusion out there about what constitutes a 'tax', or what the definitions of 'spending cuts','fair share', 'entitlement', and 'rights' are. If you gave them a dictionary, they might look these words up when they get confused before voting on laws (you will note that I didn't say read, as most of the time they appear to vote on them before they read them these days).

A copy of the National Register: Yes Santa, I know that the book listing all federal regulations has 81,405 pages (and maybe more since I wrote this), and that it will be hard to load them into the sleigh; but then that's the point isn't it. Maybe if you block their view of the tree with this monster, they will get the message that what doesn't appear to them as enough is far too much already. If you really want to get the point across, stack a copy of the tax code (71,684 pages and growing) on top of it.

A copy of the Constitution: As long as you are adding to their reading lists, I thought that you might add this one. Yes, I know that they keep a copy on display in Washington Santa; but I'm not sure how many have ever bothered to look at it, even while they “solemnly swear (or affirm) that [they] will support and defend it from all enemies, foreign and domestic, that [they] will bear true faith and allegiance to the same”. I know that they've got these really neat little pocket editions (because I have a couple), so I was thinking that maybe you could use them as stocking stuffers.

I know I haven't asked for anything for myself this year, but I didn't ask for anything last year either, and you still managed to show up with some pretty great stuff … thanks. I'm especially thankful to you by the way, for whatever you give Michael Miller that convinces him to put my writing efforts up in the Toledo Free Press (maybe if you give him a little more, I'll make the print edition more often).

I know that there are a lot of people out there whose need is far greater than mine, so you would be doing me a big favor to help them out as much as you can instead. (Come to think of it, you might want to get lots of them copies of “Holiday Wishes” through the TFP, which would help twice over.)

Merry Christmas,


P.S. If you want to stop by again this year while making your rounds, you are more than welcome; and the cookies and milk will be on me. Besides, we never did finish that discussion on diets that don't work and the proper care of white beards.


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