Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Rights of Spring

So much of the discussion these days is about the "Rights" people think they are entitled to that I felt the need to weigh in on the subject (which beats my normal behavior of gnawing my own leg off in order to escape them).  In addition to those enumerated in the "Bill of Rights", there appears to be a fair-sized list not included with this document that people would like to see added.  

Now the Founding Fathers recognized when amending this document (the only way that they could get the States to agree to ratify it) that the list was not complete.  In fact, James Madison originally proposed twenty of these Rights; but only twelve were sent to the States for ratification, and only ten of those were in fact ratified.  There were a number of people at the time who objected to listing even those as a "Bill of Rights"; saying that by doing so that some damn fool in the future would insist that only those rights listed would be considered valid. (Wow, talk about calling your shot.) Even stretching a point however, I don't believe that many of the ones getting press ink these days could even make a list that Madison would throw away.

On the other hand, it's that time of year when we must further consider another kind of Rights, the "Rites of Spring".  Recognizing of course, that these two are distinct concepts (otherwise why spell them different), I nevertheless saw an opportunity to put my two cents in on both simultaneously in a compromise effort.

In the spirit of the kind of kind of twisted compromise that "Just Blowing Smoke" has long been known for, and with a nod to those on both sides of the political aisle (who mostly wouldn't recognize a real compromise if it jumped off this page and bit them on the ass); I would therefore like to consider some seasonal thoughts which, though they may well fall outside the consideration of the Founders, are no more ridiculous than others that I've heard.

Starting from the most important:
  1. I believe in the Right to see the Cubs win a World Series.  It's been over 100 years after all, and I'm sure that even the goat that started the curse would be willing to forgive and forget by now.
  2. I believe in the Right not to have to listen to really tasteless and poorly performed Rap music played at a volume that rattles the windows of the car ... pulled up at the stoplight next to me.
  3. I believe in the Right to 3-Day Weekends, and further believe that it's a gross imposition on the freedom of American society not to have one every weekend during the spring and summer. (I'm still considering the Constitutional implications of adding Fall to this list.)
  4. I believe in the Right to demand that political candidates be forced to take the month of July off so that we get a chance to clear our heads of their non-stop pontificating and mostly pointless and repetitive rhetoric.  (The Mainstream media should likewise be banned from covering such bloviating or commenting on it in any way for the same period.)
  5. I believe in the Right to a steak cooked almost medium rare on an outdoor grill right next to the baked potatoes and ears of corn that will accompany it; and served with a beer so cold that's it dripping with condensation. (And can we please pile the butter and sour cream on?  If this journey is going to kill me, I'd like to at least enjoy the ride.)
  6. I believe in the Right to stand in the way of Progress until it proves itself to be something worth having. (The version they're touting right now leaves more than reasonable doubt about the concept and much to be desired.)
  7. I believe in the Right to demand that potential voters be given a test at least as demanding as the one that allows you to drive; since both are likely to allow one to cause a good deal of general mayhem once you begin doing them.
  8. I believe in the Right to temperatures warm enough for the fairer gender to display themselves in all of their warm weather finery. (Not only does this bring a 'spring' to my step, but I think it's specifically mentioned in the Declaration of Independence under the "pursuit of happiness")
  9. I believe in the Right to further believe in "the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."  (No wait, Kevin Costner already used that line in "Bull Durham".  Never mind ...) 
  10. I believe that I have a Right to end this list before it becomes even more absurd than it already is, and far more farcical than was my original intention. (I know that hardly seems possible, but am willing to concede the floor if anyone has something they consider worthy of addition and let them take their best shot) 
(In the spirit of "Just Blowing Smoke" Political Correctness, the Editorial staff wishes it noted that if any of the Rights listed above have in any way annoyed, offended, or angered you in any way ..... tough cookies.)
Now, if I can't get these Rights imposed on this nation (and damned soon), I'm not going to bother with any cheesy 'Occupy' demonstration.  I'm in fact prepared to take these demands (if I must) directly to the UN Security Council for consideration.  

While I have absolutely no respect for an organization that I believe does little more than take up valuable Real Estate in New York City, forcing them to debate a ridiculous issue on which they have can no serious say may at least keep them from wealth redistribution to petty dictators and criminal regimes for an afternoon.  Making them consider yet another bit of pointless nonsense in the name of the concept of Rights that most of the members of this august body have no 'Right' to judge (and that in fact do not actually exist), likewise suits my vindictive sense of humor and my twisted sense of irony where they're concerned.   (Besides, forcing the US representative to the UN to use its veto power to keep this from passing would crack me up.) 

On a personal note, I will mention my cousin Molly Roe will be singing the National Anthem this afternoon at 3:00 PM Central Time at US Cellular Field to begin the Chicago White Sox game against the Detroit Tigers.  While the editorial staff at "Just Blowing Smoke" are unanimously Cubs fans and as a consequence question the wasting of her talents at this questionable venue, we recognize the singular honor being shown to her.  

Good Luck Molly, we know that you'll do an outstanding job, even if it is in front a bunch of Godless cretins. 

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