Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Resolutions - 2011 (Part II)

Having attacked the problem of New Year's resolutions from a serious attitude (some would say too serious), I decided that it was also in keeping with the holiday spirit and the nature of "Just Blowing Smoke" to confront the process from a slightly more twisted perspective.  I therefore offer the following New Year's resolutions for your consideration:

  • I should probably resolve to lose a bit of weight this year, as I do every year.  It's a time honored tradition that dates back to when I could still see my feet without bending over, and one not likely to end until they have to force the lid closed on my coffin.
  • In the spirit of my first resolution, I could (and should) then resolve to exercise more. I have a Chuck Norris 'Total Gym' leaning against the wall (where it seems so comfortable), that occasionally calls my name.  Its proximity to the refrigerator is a challenge that I have yet been able to meet effectively.  Walking is my favorite form of exercise, though it's always difficult this time of year, as it's hard to hold the cigars I'm smoking in the gloves that I wear.
  • Which bring us to the fact that I could resolve to quit smoking.  This isn't likely, as it would be a waste of the money previously spent to fill a couple of humidors, something truly shameful in these tough economic times.  Besides, without the cigars to smoke, what reason would I have to do the walking that I've resolved to do as exercise.
  • I thought about resolving to become a more tolerant person, but realized that everyone would be suspicious of such an attempt and worrying about what I was up to.  Since I didn't want to put anyone else to such trouble, I decided to remain the grumpy bastard that I have always been.
  • I could even resolve to become a better person, help feed the world's hungry, save the planet, or work to achieve world peace; but these would imply that I was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant.  Not only would this create a picture of the swimsuit competition that none of us is willing to contemplate; but being a Curmudgeon, these seem rather unlikely goals.
  • I could resolve to spend less time in front of the computer, but feel sure that those who employ me would find such behavior incompatible with my assigned duties.  Oh sure, I could probably sacrifice a bit of keyboard time in the evenings instead, but then how would I know what my Facebook friends are up to, or get any of these posts written. 
  • That being said, I even considered resolving to no longer write posts for "Just Blowing Smoke", but realized that if I stopped annoying the general public with the absurdity, claptrap, drivel, gibberish, inanity, madness, rubbish, and tripe (taken in alphabetical order no less) contained in it, I would be forced to once again burden family and friends with this nonsense (a punishment that they do not deserve for a crime they have not committed). 
Well that's enough for me.  I will have trouble enough remembering all of these things that I don't want to resolve, let alone following up on them, that I may slip up and do something by accident that I never would have perpetrated on purpose.
Happy New Year!


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