Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Fractured Fairy Tales - The 3 Little Pigs

Yes boys and girls it's time once again for Fractured Fairy Tales (cue the music). Today we have a very interesting tale about 3 very tenacious little pigs.

So let's begin ...
Once upon a time in the magical land of Toodlededo (pronounced Toodle Dee Du) there lived 3 little pigs: Cosy, Finky, and Blocky. Now these weren't ordinary little pigs. These were 3 very determined little pigs who were used to getting their way.

Well one day, the 3 pigs decided to build a house for Cosy. Well actually, they decided to take a really nice building along the river in downtown Toolededo that was not at all suited to be a house and give it to Cosy to live in. The only problem was that they didn't own the building. The building was owned instead by a big, bad wolf by the name of Votaire (apologies to the philosopher, but it seemed like a funny idea at the time)

Now Votaire wasn't really sure that he wanted Cosy in the building, but Cosy had managed to raise some money to really fix the place up, hire some people, and buy the stuff he wanted to put in it. Then he, Blocky, and Finky told Votaire that if he would just give them the building for Cosy to live in that they would never ask for anything from him ever, ever again. Then Blocky and Finky got all the neighbors worked up about how good a thing it would be to have Cosy living there on the river and how good it would be for Toodlededo in general (besides, nobody was using the building at the time anyway). In the end, they convinced Votaire to let Cosy go ahead and move in.

Well it started out well enough, Cosy brought lots of the bright and shiny stuff to the house, hired some people, and before you know it he had made the place on the river his home. It wasn't long however before things started to go bad; for you see Cosy was a bad tenant. He barely paid the meager rent and he squandered all of the money that he had raised originally to pay for the stuff and people to take care of it (which he never really had much of a plan to do). As time went on, it was discovered that Cosy couldn't do a very good job taking care of this bright and shiny stuff either, nor could he manage to pay the utility bills on his new house. He went to Blocky and Finky, and they in turn told everyone that this wasn't Cosy's fault. Cosy was a good, but terribly misunderstood pig whose house was vital to Toodleededoo, and that he just needed a little more help to make ends meet. So they decided that Votaire should pay for Cosy's utility bills for the good of the neighborhood and told him so. Votaire wasn't very happy about this either, but conceded that maybe they were right and grudgingly agreed.

Things continued along, with conditions in Cosy's house getting worse all the time as it did. The stuff in Cosy's house was no longer bright and shiny any more, the repair of the building was getting worse, and still not enough money was coming in to replace that going out. By then however, Cosy had decided that even though he didn't fit in the house and couldn't pay his bills, he didn't want to leave. He had gotten used to the place that he was in, liked the people working for him, and liked even more the free ride that he had been getting from Votaire. Cosy went to Finky and Blocky once again for help and together they hatched a plan for Votaire to not only continue all of the support that he had been giving Cosy before, but come up with some additional cash to help pay for the bright, shiny things and the people to take care of them. That was the final straw for Votaire, and he huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the plan down.

Now you would think that this would persuade the 3 little pigs that their game was up, and that they should fold up their plan and go; but not these 3 little pigs. These little pigs were so determined in fact, that they came up with another plan a few months later (amazingly, it looked exactly like the first one, with Votaire picking up the tab for everything). They said that this was a much better plan, and that Votaire would be really stupid, wrong, and mean if he didn't agree to it. Well Votaire could be pretty determined too, and once again he huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the plan down.

Cosy was despondent, but reconciled. He said that he finally got the message that Votaire didn't want him in the house any more. As much as he hated to do it, he would go ahead close up the house and let all the people who took care of the bright and shiny stuff go. Finky and Blocky were very sad too, and a more than a little mad about it (angry, not crazy ... at least I think that's what it was). They said that it was a damn shame how short-sighted and mean-spirited that Votaire was, and that Toodlededo needed Cosy in that house They further said that Votaire would live to regret it if Cosy left. Votaire was not to be moved by such words however, and soon the house was closed and Cosy was out.

Time passed and things had seemed to settle down, when one day Votaire got a bill for $6,900.00. Perplexed, he called for the pigs.

"What's this bill for?" he asks.

"Why that's for Cosy's house," Finky replies.

"Cosy's house," Votaire says. "We closed that months ago and I had almost forgotten about it. Why in the world does it need $6,900 now?"

"Oh that's for the monthly upkeep on the place," said Finky. "Cosy has been taking care of it as best he could since he left in order to keep all the bright and shiny stuff, but he's finally run out of the last of the money he originally raised and needs this from you so that he can move back in later."

"Move back in later?" said Votaire. "What in the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, didn't we tell you?" says Cosy, obviously very excited now. "We are going to ask for that money again in a couple of months. We thought that this time you wouldn't be as short-sighted, mean-spirited, and stupid in looking at this situation as you have been in the past. We thought that this time you might see fit to give us what we want; in spite of the fact that we really don't have much of a plan, that the plan we have still really hasn't changed much and has you footing the bill for everything, and that you've already said no to this plan twice before. All of our plans would be in vain however, if we didn't take care of all of the stuff in the meantime, so..."

"Yeah, isn't this a great idea?" chimed in Finky and Blocky together (they seem to do that a lot for some reason). "You could give Cosy all of the money that he wants and he could go back home where we think he belongs. Then we could all live happily ever after."


Well of course, this is not anywhere near the end. In fact, it may be that we will never see the end of this story. After all, these are 3 very determined little pigs.


Maggie Thurber said...

This is hilarious!

I love it!

But where are the three witches who cast a spell that allowed Finky and Blocky to Votaire for the money???

Tim Higgins said...

Thanks Maggie...

I would never bring witches into such a tale for fear of a sexual harassment lawsuit. :-)

Hooda Thunkit said...


These Pigs, Finky, Blocky and Cosy sound familiar, but I just can't place them at the moment.

This “Voltaire” character sounds like someone with multiple personalities.

Also sounds like you might have left out some minor characters, most notably the likes of Ponzi, Shuck and Jive. Those characters would certainly make for a more realistic story, IMNHO ;-)

Their parts seem to be there; only the mention of their names seems to be missing.

Tim Higgins said...


I am not surprised that you think that you recognized some of the characters, but remember that this is only a fairy tale. As for the potential of missing characters, I will point to my own lack of experience. After all, this is only the second fairy tale that I've abused.

Roland Hansen said...

I liked Cosy when Cosy was alive. But Cosy was not self-sustaining as had been promised. Cosy needs to go the way of a white elephant sale. Bury Cosy already. The funeral has been going on way too long. The corpse is long cold. AND -- I am not a necrophiliac as some others appear to be.

Tim Higgins said...


There hasn't been a corpse like this one since the Halloween movies. I'm not sure that anything will kill this thing, but that shouldn't stop us from continuing to try.