Just in case you thought that I was kidding about this, I wasn't ... you stink. Don't get me wrong, it's probably not your opinions (well, actually, I'll get to that later), it's literally the way that you smell. Whew!
"Now wait a minute," you say. "You're the one smoking those nasty, stinky cigars and trying to kill me with the second hand smoke."
And that might be even true enough, in spite of the fact that all of the studies citing second hand smoke as a cause for cancer are anecdotal and that the link is therefore tenuous at best and a lie at worst. As for the smell, I would argue that the smell of a good hand rolled cigar is something that most people savor (good pipe tobacco even more so).
Besides, your objection should not get to determine my behavior. I am allergic to cats, but that doesn't mean that other people shouldn't get to own them. What we might be able to agree on as objectionable however, is that the smell of a cheap cigar is bad, and much like a cheap perfume can be truly annoying.
And that brings me to the my next point.
There are far too many out there who qualify as parts of the "unwashed masses". Not that we have sunk to the level of the French at least, where bathing still appears to be an occasional hobby rather than a regular practice; but there still appears to be more than a few out there who could use additional doses of soap and water. And of those do manage to get within a handshaking distance of human cleaning products, many of those could use guidance in the area of cologne selection.
For those of you who didn't know, the cologne that smells good on your friend may not smell as good on you. A more expensive bottle of perfume does not necessarily smell good, nor does wearing more of it make you smell better. And for those of you who have bought into the nonsensical and wildly successful ad campaign, Axe cologne and body spray does not make women go mad over you (unless it is in fact to run from your ignorance).
Covering a lack of regular bathing with a perfume or cologne, no matter how expensive or how much you use, simply doesn't work. (Remind me to tell you of an acquaintance of my youth that we used to call "Belly" some day.)
What often smells even worse in many cases however, is the arrogance of the opinions of the politically correct crowd, sneering at all who do not hold the views that they consider sacred laws, never to be violated (yeah, you knew I had to get to this at some point, didn't you). The stench of such sanctimonious behavior reeks of the putrefaction of a dying mind, no longer capable of processing new facts or information. In fact this odor may be worse than almost all others; as it is insidious in the way that it spreads, can often go unnoticed until the carrier begins to speak, and is such that it cannot be helped by any purchased scent, regardless of the price. Once perceived however, it permeates the very fabric of the space around it, conveying the odors of self-righteousness, decay, and arrogance.
So for those of you sitting smugly on the pinnacle of such arrogance, looking down from its heights on those of us indulging in what you consider our misguided views and filthy habits. For those of you who wrinkle your nose in disgust at us in what you consider our misguided notions and behaviors. Remember that from the heights that you inhabit the breeze hits your exposed position first, and more directly. And for those of us, who seem to be eternally down wind of your snobbery, pompousness, and condescension let me tell you
... You stink!
It is with deep sadness and a delicious sense of irony, that I wish all of you Happy SCHIP II today. For it is today that this legislation begins to take effect. For those of you who decry the evils of smoking and claim the beneficence of knowing that more "children" will now have available health care, I wish you all happiness of the occasion.
Of course there are a few dirty little secrets in the gift that you receive today that you might want to consider as it goes into effect:
- Under the new guidelines, families earning up to $70,000 per year for a family of four will be eligible for SCHIP coverage
- Under the new guidelines people will still be considered children when they are 30, and therefore likewise eligible.
- 60 percent of those currently uninsured are under 35, and 40 percent of them are under 25.
- Many of these without coverage are uninsured not by compulsion but by choice, choosing to spend their money on things other than health insurance and believing that their youth and current good health offer them some level of protection.
But what the heck, you have what you really want now, don't you? Those of us smoking tobacco products will see the single largest increase in taxes on that product in the country's history. Taxes on cigarettes will double, and those on cigars will go up by about 1000%. Therefore those of us with this filthy little habit will be punished on an unprecedented scale.
While you're enjoying our misery however, you should recognize a few other things. The tax increase put forward will not solve the problem of child health care nor will it fully fund the program that it's supposed to support. That probably means that we are only seeing the beginning of massive increases on tobacco taxes to help make up the coming shortfall, but that's OK too as only the evil will be punished.
As those burdened with this increasingly punitive taxation finally bow to your politically correct will on the evils of smoking and quit however, the funding problem will not only remain, but will get worse. Eventually the law of diminishing returns will take over and the burden for this travesty of legislation will be placed on the general revenue budget (you know, like Social Security is about to be).
By then however, this will have simply become one more step down the path to National Health Care in this country that this program was always intended to become, and we can look forward to the shortages of doctors, medicine, and medical technology that has plagued (pun intended) this program in other countries like Britain and Canada.
Welcome to the world that you have created, and oh yeah ... April Fools.
Far too often in this politically correct world, the humble cigar smoker will find themselves in a world that does not allow them the enjoyment of the awful little habit that the past once allowed.
I am am both pleased and grateful to announce to you that such is always not the case. Regardless of what the smoke Nazis would like you to believe, there are yet places in the world, in Ohio (and even in Toledo) where a proper cigar can be purchased and smoked, and a proper cocktail can be enjoyed while doing so.
La Casa de la Habana, a Toledo purveyor of fine cigars on Monroe street just east of Tallmadge, continues to offer the true cigar smoking experience, combining an exceptional humidor with a wonderful selection of single malt scotches to create a truly memorable experience.
Equally memorable, is the relaxed atmosphere of the lounge and stellar service provided by Danielle, the mixologist working her subtle magic behind the bar. The bar and her talents are not limited to the pouring of Scotland's finest exports however, and I am reliably told that she serves one of the best Margaritas in the city.
Two separate lounge areas provide ample room, seating, and ventilation for the proper enjoyment of the tobacconist's art, and there are usually a few congenial fellow smokers to pass the time with.
While not normally using "Just Blowing Smoke" to endorse businesses (as I haven't found a way to make any money doing so), I would be doing a disservice to fellow local cigar smokers if I attempted to keep this a establishment a secret simply for my own use and enjoyment. Take advantage of one of the few guilty pleasures left in life, and feel free in fact, to tell them that I sent you their way (don't worry, they won't hold that against you). Who knows, it's even possible that one of these days you could run into a stogie-smoking curmudgeon during your visit and blow a bit of smoke together.
Enjoy ...
