Election Night Preview

By the time you read this, I will have made my contribution to the One Person / One vote process of the election of 2008 (ACORN didn't recruit me for some reason). I am left now to sit on the sidelines and watch the chips fall where they may. Like most of you, I am forced to wait until later in the day, to receive my information from hour upon hour of teleprompter readers and people who used to hold positions of power as they tell me what I already know ... Nothing.

In Phase I of this performance, they will inform us that they can't really say anything until after the polls are closed, though such information will not seem to keep them from continuing to speak. They will ostensibly tell us that this is because they are not allowed to influence the polls on the West Coast with results on the East Coast. If they were honest, they would admit that they have been been wrong so much of the time and have so little credibility left that they dare not stick their foot in it again during this election. This non-stop barrage on non-information normally causes me to open the first bottle of red wine of the evening and light the first cigar, while informing those on the screen what a bunch of vacuous fools they are.

Phase II will begin at the actual closing of the polls, when they begin to feed us tracking poll information and pull out the Electoral voter maps. The fact that this tracking poll information has not provided accurate information in the last couple of elections won't keep the pundits from "reading the tea leaves" of the election from them and sounding like they are somehow in the know. Nothing much of actual import will yet be said, but the use of computer graphics and maps will certainly make it look more important. The second bottle of red will probably come out somewhere in Phase II, as will the second cigar, accompanied by insults regarding the intelligence of a fair number of these experts while accusing their parents of never having been married in a voice loud enough that my neighbors may hear me.

In Phase III, the press and pundits will begin to attempt to call votes based on data released from key precincts in each states. Of course this will be especially difficult this year with the volume of early voting and the number of potential provisional ballots, but that won't stop the flood of educated guesses. Pretty red and blue colors will begin to fill the Electoral map, and the 'experts' will begin to talk about scenarios, trends, and motivations; as if these inside the beltway BS artists understood anything other than the mind of someone from Washington DC or New York City. The discussions will become more scholarly and less informative, as each one attempts to show how much more insight they have than the rest. It is usually around this time that I switch to whiskey, light the third cigar, and reconcile myself to a headache and a bad taste in my mouth come morning. While still exceptionally angry that they simply don't get it, my voice is usually too hoarse to continue my solitary diatribe about their numerous faults.

Phase IV for me can be a bit of a blur. Having over-served myself throughout the evening and smoked too many cigars, I now have a taste in my mouth normally reserved for those who allow small animals to die there. In spite of the fact that some real information is now available, I have begun to lose interest, lulled into insensibility by the alcohol and the droning voices on my TV. The election process is now over for good or ill, as is a good part of the evening and what remains of my voice. Once more, the American Voter has proved their predilection for choosing feeling over fact and emotion over logic. My disgust for my fellow man is renewed, though balanced with my admiration for the democratic process. My last concern for the evening is making sure that the last cigar of the evening is properly extinguished before my consciousness is. Smoking is bad enough for me (though Blowing Smoke is a necessity) without burning the place down in the process.

Note: This year will be slightly different, as I have been asked to post a few thoughts to Michael Miller of The Toledo Free Press throughout the evening. While I will at least attempt to maintain some shred of dignity through the evening, I wish to apologize now to Michael, for the nonsense (and typos) that he will undoubtedly receive as the evening progresses.