Wednesday, November 19, 2008

My Bailout Plan

With the increasing pressure to add GM, Ford, and Chrysler to the list of companies that need to be bailed out, I began to ask myself: "Who should be bailed out?" Now not being an expert in economics or government, I decided to look for alternate reasons for who should be bailed out and why. In the end, I realized that like government, I should use arbitrary and irresponsible guidelines for such critical path thinking.

Here therefore are my list of companies that should receive multi-billion government bailouts, based on nothing but their importance to me personally. (Please note that I am not saying that any of these companies actually need bailing out, but when have I ever let logic like that ever get in the way of my decision making processes?):

Google - For no other reason than that they provide me the platform (Blogspot) to spew this nonsense upon an unsuspecting public. Blizzard Entertainment - The creators of World of Warcraft (one of my other sources of non-productive entertainment) to insure that this source of significant wasted hours in my life remains available to me.

Dell - The choice of manufacturer is arbitrary; but without some form of computer, it would be impossible to use either of the above.

Cigar Manufacturers / Retailers - For without out them, how would I blow smoke?

California Wine Growers / Wineries - Hey, you need something to sip while smoking a cigar and playing WOW or writing a blog posting.

Coca Cola & Pepsi Cola - Man does not live by wine alone.

AM Radio Stations - For I am well and truly addicted to talk radio.

Yum! Brands Inc. - You probably don't recognize this company, but they own the franchises for Taco Bell, KFC, A&W, Pizza Hut, and Long John Silvers. That should keep me in fast food even if McDonalds falls.

Kroeger - OK, I will concede that I probably need a grocery store around to buy food not found at the fast food places listed above (you know, like snacks and the previously mentioned Soda and Wine).

This list is by no means complete, and I am sure that others will come to mind over time. There may also be worthy and valuable inclusions from readers out there that I have simply overlooked, so please feel free to suggest.

Please note that while being completely self-serving in my list, I do not mention my employer in this list. While I am relatively sure they would accept the money if offered, I will not mention for them out of a fear of losing the checks that keep me bailed out from week-to-week.


Brian Schwartz said...


The government is looking for a way to impose an onerous tax on our beloved stogies. It will price people like you and me right out the market for premium cigars.

The smoking Nazis have damn near won the war on cigarettes. You know it won't be long before they train their guns on cigars.

I'll go to war to preserve the peace that Rudyard Kipling found in a Por Larranaga!

Tim Higgins said...


They tried once before with the SCHIP legislation changes and fortunately for us, failed. This was under a less enlightened Congress however, so look to see this raise its ugly head quickly in the next Congress. Not only would it raise additional tax revenues, but do an effective job of behavior modification for us evil smokers.

Personally, I plan on stocking up as the year end approaches and hope to ride out the storm as long as possible.

Brian Schwartz said...

I may have to stock up as well. I may have to build in a humidor to keep my "devil's weed".

I fear that it will drive cigar shops like Port Royal and La Casa Habanna -- where one can enjoy a smoke in the company of fellow cigar smokers away from the smoking Nazis -- out of business, leaving me nowhere to smoke in comfort.

Hooda Thunkit said...


I'd like to suggest that the Free Market sift through the ashes and sort things out; I do not savor any bailouts and my great and great-great grandchildren should not be saddled with this generation's stupidity/debts.

They deserve better than that.

Tim Higgins said...


Great idea, but that ship already sailed and we are handing the purse strings over to a liberal President and Congress. There's a chance that some common sense will prevail at some point, but the odds are better on the lottery.

Roland Hansen said...

The Roland Hansen Benevolence Fund could always use a hand-out!