Halloween Costumes 2010

Halloween is once more almost upon us, and in the final days leading up to it I have been asked once again (well,kind of asked anyway) to submit my suggestions for timely, effective, and often inexpensive Halloween costumes for this year's celebrations. Like political commercials designed to influence the undecided (and generally annoy the hell out of people), hopefully the ideas here will indeed infuriate, while helping those who remain yet uncommitted to a final disguise decision.

• (Women) Dress in an orange jumpsuit, get passing out drunk, and tell everyone that you're Lindsay Lohan and have just escaped from rehab again.
• (Men - not to be left out of the fun) Put on a Scottish kilt, a leather jacket, and an army helmet; get stinking drunk, and tell them that you're Mel Gibson and that they are all assholes.
• Dress up as President Obama and tell all of the kids Trick or Treating that the lousy candy that they're getting this year is the fault of George Bush and the Republicans.
• Dress up in a flannel shirt, jeans, and a Canadian Tuque (knit cap). When asked, tell them you are Randy Quaid and that someone's trying to kill you.
• Knock on every door and insist that every person participate in the Halloween festivities whether they want to or not. When they ask, tell them you are Congress and you just passed a law mandating it.
• If you are a senior citizen, dress up in a football uniform with a #4 jersey (Packers, Jets, and Vikings uniforms will all do). When anyone asks, tell them you are Brett Favre, cry a little, and say that you are never going to quit Trick or Treating, ever ... then ask to borrow a cell phone.
• Dress in your Sunday finest and wear the plastic smiling mask from a theater on your face. When asked, tell them you are one of the many Republicans running for office expecting to be swept in on the tidal wave of voter support.
• Women can use the alternative of also using their Sunday best, but adding the plastic frown face masque from any theater. When asked, tell them that you're current Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and just realized that next year you're going to have to go back to flying coach cross-country to get home.
• Wear anything that you like, and Trick or Treat houses in the Toledo area; but refuse all offers of candy, asking for cash instead. If asked (and you will be) simply tell them that you are TARTA (the local bus system) or TPS (the local school system), and once again in financial straits.
• Dress up in an inflatable sumo suit, then cover that with the largest and most hideous suit and tie that you can find (to keep anyone from thinking that you're going as Jabba the Hutt). When anyone asks, you can answer Michael Moore or Dick Morris, depending which side of the political spectrum you find more whorish and detestable. (In Dick's case, perhaps both.)
• For those of you who plan to stay home to greet your costumed guests, I recommend putting on a suit and tie and after greeting your tiny guests, ask them who they are dressed as. When they try to answer, interrupt them before they can finish. When asked about your own costume, you can pick from Fox News analysts Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity.
• If you're Congressional candidate in NW Ohio Rich Iott, don't dress up at all. If you've learned anything in recent days, it's that you shouldn't be playing dress up if you want to run for political office.

I know it's been a bad year this year, but you can still do your part to help the dismal retail numbers out there by buying far more candy than you need for the weekend's festivities. Not only will you be helping the economy by your efforts, but few things can make a person feel better about themselves than the endorphins (chemicals your brain produces) released when you're gorging on huge quantities of chocolate. This method of personal satisfaction will also likely keep you from attempting to steal the required mood swing treats from your childrens' bags.

Have a great Halloween!