Saturday, August 9, 2008

Fractured Fairy Tale - The Finkas Touch

Yes boys and girls, once again it's time for Fractured Fairy Tales, and another fable of times and occurrences that may in fact never have happened (and as such carry no legal liability). But let's not keep our story waiting ...

Once upon a time long ago, there was kingdom known as Toodlededoo, which was ruled by a "Man Who Would Be King" by the name of Finkas (no insult intended to the Rudyard Kipling book and certainly not to the Sean Connery / Michael Caine movie which I happen to love). Finkas was not the wisest of leaders, nor was he particularly beneficent in his dealings with his fellow man (or animal for that matter). In fact, Finkas was not a good ruler at all. Unfortunately for the citizens of Toodledeedoo, Finkas was a bit of a tyrant whose only care in the rule of his subjects was ... Finkas.

Now in those days, there were many strange and magical powers wandering the world (no, I don't mean Unions ... and stop trying to change the subject). These powers sought justice for and the general betterment of mankind, and were not without a sense of humor in their attempts to achieve it. They often set forth examples to illustrate what good behavior was or how to exercise the proper use of power. One day, one of them took notice of this petty tyrant in Toodledeedo and decided to grant him a very special power in order to teach him a lesson. It was because of this rather unique gift that Finkas was granted the ability to turn anything that he touched into natural fertilizer
(crap, for those who choose to be obtuse).

From then on no matter what the project was, once Finkas touched it, it turned into an odoriferous mass that no one wanted to be near. From classic old apartment buildings to museums, from public markets to bike paths; nothing was beyond his power to convert into a malodorous mass once he his hands were laid upon it. Even if a project were seemingly perfect for his land, combining housing and shopping, and with the scenic river of Tooledeedoo as a setting, it attained a monstrous stench from his contact and kept the money lenders of the day (often accused of their own foul odor) from looking with favor upon it.

Finkas, completely unaware of this baneful power blundered on, though its effects and his constantly failing efforts were a certainly a vexation to him. Convinced in spite of the results achieved that he was operating for the greater good (his own) he continued to plow forward, becoming more angry and frustrated as each new application of his unrecognized power manifested itself. Loud tirades were often heard from the top of the tower where the self-serving Finkas ruled, and more than one of his minions suffered abuse, or even bruises from the frustrations of this miscreant ruler and the power that he possessed. Soon, even many companions of old began to draw away, fearful that the stench that now pervaded the air around Finkas would likewise become attached to them.

Great fear (and smell) pervaded the land of Toodledeedoo, as the citizens began to realize their fate under Finkas' rule. A blight had settled on the land, and many merchants and craftsmen fled, fearing for both their lives and livelihoods. Opportunities which once constantly presented themselves for the betterment of the local citizenry dwindled, as it became apparent that they were fated only to die and leave the stench of putrefaction behind. All attempts to circumvent the ruler failed, as his presence and power inevitably intruded itself and wreaked its noxious effect. Remaining blind in recognizing himself as the crux of the problem, Finkas only became more compulsive in this interference in the name of assistance (and in the hopes of gaining credit for any success that might be achieved). Of course these additional frenzied efforts could only make things (and the smell) even worse.

In the end, it is thought that all but the cursed ruler himself abandoned the once fair Toodledeedoo leaving it as an empty, rotting shell; with only the smell and the flies to remember it by. Its buildings stood crumbling, like the broken teeth in a fetid mouth. Its streets as empty as the unfulfilled potential that once it held. Does Finkas yet remain there? No one knows, and even now none can bear the smell long enough to discover. But down through the long ages since we remember the tale of this cursed community and its fate. All who do are truly fearful of the effects of "The Finkas Touch".


Of course this isn't really the whole story, or nearly the end of it. The true end of this story has yet to be written. Let us hope that some day we are able to put a happier ending to this tale, and perhaps see such a special place prosper once more.


Hooda Thunkit said...


This Stink-Ass, err..., Finkas fellow sounds somewhat familiar, perhaps a former boss of mine.

However, my memory of working for such a Stink-Ass is rapidly fading these days.

Oblivious as to the source of the problem?

Yep. sounds like the very same guy to me ;-)

(Surviving serving 30.000 years in the belly of the beast...)

Tim Higgins said...


That's the amazing thing about fables. They often seem as if they were taken from our daily lives in the present.

Isn't that just amazing?


Lisa Renee said...

I can't wait for the illustrated version...


Tim Higgins said...


Since these are usually not pretty stories, I can't imagine that the pictures would be much better. I fear that this volume, like the SOS Dictionary, will remain a little known underground and unpublished hit.

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