Sunday, September 2, 2007

Holiday Posting: Alphabet Man

The world today likes to categorize things, and place acronyms on them, especially when it comes to medical conditions. I am not real big on the concept of putting labels on anything ("People usually apply labels to things in order to disregard or ignore them." - Me), but must admit that they do serve a purpose from time to time. Since I seem to be a poster child for things that people should disregard or ignore, I felt that I should revel in my labels and wear them proudly, confessing publicly in atonement for any harm that they might have caused my fellow man. Here therefore, is a list of the ones that I freely admit to. I am sure that there are others that I either do not recognize in myself or am unable remember. If you can think of any, please feel free to comment.


This one stands for "Obsessive - Compulsive Disorder", and in my case seems to cover the myriad of quirks and ticks that I have regarding such things as sequential task completion, obsession over completing any tasks that I take on, and compulsions for attempting to impose my own version of neatness and order on the world around me. It is also characterized by the fact that I seem most comfortable when I am following the routines that I have set up for myself. Of course some may choose to apply the term "Anal-Retentive" about my behavior instead, but not being proud, I will let you be the judge and take your pick.


This one stands for "Alzheimer's Disease", and its symptoms should not be terribly surprising as my age increases. My mind, which used to simply wander, appears to periodically go on what the Australians call "walkabout", leaving me to function as best I can. I may be proof that human beings only use 10% of their brains. Perhaps I do not deserve credit for the full-blown disease, however. Perhaps instead, I should merely accept the use of the condition called:


This one stands for "Can't Remember Shit". It's definition is readily apparent, and it is considered to the prelude to full blown Alzheimer's. While not drawing quite the attention of the former, it does leave something to look forward to.


This one stands for "Attention Deficit Disorder", and in my case the disorder is characterized by a persistent pattern of inattention, as well as forgetfulness, poor impulse control, and being easily distracted. In other words, I appear to have the memory and attention span of a two-year old. (Many would say that I have never gotten beyond the maturity of a two-year old either, but I chose to disregard such insightful perception.)


I am using two different sets of letters for this one, which as I go on may seem more than a bit ironic. I am using it to stand for "Manic Depression Disorder" or "Bipolar Disorder". I may not have a full-blown case of this one yet, where a person swings from extremes in feelings both positive and negative, and I don't in the least feel suicidal on the downswing, but sometimes it seems like the signs are definitely there. The mood "swing set" that I take for a regular ride can make life pretty interesting, and would be banned as too dangerous at most state fairs and theme parks.


This one stands for "Foot in Mouth Disease" and anyone who has spent any time in my presence is well aware of the seriousness of my particular case. My guess is that this might have something to do with the impulse control part of the ADD; but I don't think we should allow one set of letters to excuse another. Whatever the reason or excuse, I can't seem to keep from saying things that are really dumb. Perhaps that's why I have a blog instead of a speaking tour. The process of writing this down instead of saying it allows me to edit, and edit, and edit, and edit, and edit ... OK, you get the idea.


This one stands for "Guinness Deficient Disorder" and may be my favorite condition. This condition is likewise self-descriptive and seems to have a genetic background for those of Irish decent, as is evidenced by the fact that while 2,000,000 liters of Guinness is produced in the James Gate Brewery in Dublin, only half of it ever gets exported. It is my favorite however, because of self-medication imposed by the condition. Not content to attempt to treat the symptoms, I occasionally feel the need to inoculate myself in the hope of preventing symptoms from occurring.


I will assume that you know what this one stands for and will not deign to explain further, as I do not like to use profane language when women or children might be present (yeah I know, since when). In my particular case however, this expression seems to be used in the following way:

Person 1: "Look, here comes Tim."
Person 2: "Big f****** deal!" 

Have a great Holiday!


Anonymous said...

Person #1 = Brian Maness

Person #2 = John Benyak

ITGOD = In The Good 'Ol Days

Timothy W Higgins said...

By God, I believe you're right! In fact, now that you point it out, I don't think I can get the sound of them saying it out of my head.